Laxton, what with my own fears and thy wants,
I’m as a needle ‘twixt two adamants.
Enter Master Gallipot hastily.
GALLIPOT
Nay, nay, wife, the women are all up! [Aside] Ha! How, reading a’ letters? I smell a goose, a couple of capons, and a gammon of bacon from her mother out of the country, I hold my life. — Steal, steal!
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh, beshrew your heart!
GALLIPOT
What letter’s that?
I’ll see’t.
She tears the letter.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh, would thou hadst no eyes to see
The downfall of me and thyself: I’m forever,
Forever I’m undone!
GALLIPOT
What ails my Pru?
What paper’s that thou tear’st?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Would I could tear
My very heart in pieces, for my soul
Lies on the rack of shame that tortures me
Beyond a woman’s suffering.
GALLIPOT
What means this?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Had you no other vengeance to throw down
But even in height of all my joys —
GALLIPOT
Dear woman!
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
When the full sea of pleasure and content
Seem’d to flow over me —
GALLIPOT
As thou desirest to keep
Me out of bedlam, tell what troubles thee?
Is not thy child at nurse fall’n sick, or dead?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh, no!
GALLIPOT
Heavens bless me! Are my barns and houses
Yonder at Hockley Hole consum’d with fire?
I can build more, sweet Pru.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
’Tis worse, ’tis worse.
GALLIPOT
My factor broke, or is the Jonas sunk?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Would all we had were swallowed in the waves,
Rather than both should be the scorn of slaves.
GALLIPOT
I’m at my wits’ end!
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh, my dear husband,
Where once I thought myself a fixed star
Plac’d only in the heaven of thine arms,
I fear now I shall prove a wanderer.
Oh, Laxton, Laxton, is it then my fate
To be by thee o’erthrown?
GALLIPOT
Defend me, wisdom,
From falling into frenzy! On my knees,
Sweet Pru, speak: what’s that Laxton who so heavy
Lies on thy bosom?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
I shall sure run mad!
GALLIPOT
I shall run mad for company then. Speak to me:
I’m Gallipot thy husband. Pru, why, Pru!
Art sick in conscience for some villainous deed
Thou wert about to act? Didst mean to rob me?
Tush, I forgive thee! Hast thou on my bed
Thrust my soft pillow under another’s head?
I’ll wink at all faults, Pru; ‘las, that’s no more
Than what some neighbours near thee have done before.
Sweet honey Pru, what’s that Laxton?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh!
GALLIPOT
Out with him!
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh, he’s born to be my undoer!
This hand which thou call’st thine to him was given;
To him was I made sure i’ th’ sight of heaven.
GALLIPOT
I never heard this thunder.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Yes, yes, before
I was to thee contracted, to him I swore,
Since last I saw him twelve months three times told
The moon hath drawn through her light silver bow,
For o’er the seas he went, and it was said,
But rumour lies, that he in France was dead.
But he’s alive, oh, he’s alive! He sent
That letter to me, which in rage I rent,
Swearing with oaths most damnably to have me,
Or tear me from this bosom. Oh, heavens save me!
GALLIPOT
My heart will break! Sham’d and undone forever!
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
So black a day poor wretch went o’er thee never.
GALLIPOT
If thou shouldst wrastle with him at the law,
Th’ art sure to fall: no odd sleight, no prevention.
I’ll tell him th’ art with child.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Umh.
GALLIPOT
Or give out
One of my men was ta’en a-bed with thee.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Umh, umh.
GALLIPOT
Before I lose thee, my dear Pru,
I’ll drive it to that push.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Worse, and worse still:
You embrace a mischief to prevent an ill.
GALLIPOT
I’ll buy thee of him, stop his mouth with gold.
Think’st thou twill do?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh me, heavens grant it would!
Yet now my senses are set more in tune,
He writ, as I remember in his letter,
That he in riding up and down had spent
Ere he could find me thirty pounds: send that;
Stand not on thirty with him.
GALLIPOT
Forty, Pru;
Say thou the word ’tis done. We venture lives
For wealth, but must do more to keep our wives.
Thirty or forty, Pru?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Thirty, good sweet;
Of an ill bargain let’s save what we can.
I’ll pay it him with my tears: he was a man
When first I knew him of a meek spirit;
All goodness is not yet dried up, I hope.
GALLIPOT
He shall have thirty pound; let that stop all:
Love’s sweets taste best when we have drunk down gall.
Enter Master Tiltyard and his wife, Master Goshawk, and Mistress Openwork.
God-so, our friends! Come, come, smooth your cheek;
After a storm the face of heaven looks sleek.
TILTYARD
Did I not tell you these turtles were together?
MISTRESS TILTYARD
How dost thou, sirrah? Why, sister Gallipot!
MISTRESS OPENWORK
Lord, how she’s chang’d!
GOSHAWK
Is your wife ill, sir?
GALLIPOT
Yes, indeed la, sir, very ill, very ill, never worse!
MISTRESS TILTYARD
How her head burns! Feel how her pulses work.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
Sister, lie down a little; that always does me good.
MISTRESS TILTYARD
In good sadness, I find best ease in that too.
Has she laid some hot thing to her stomach?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
No, but I will lay something anon.
TILTYARD
Come, come, fools, you trouble her. Shall’s go, Master Goshawk?
GOSHAWK
Yes, sweet Master Tiltyard. [Taking Mistress Openwork aside] Sirrah Rosamond, I hold my life Gallipot hath vex’d his wife.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
She has a horrible high colour indeed.
GOSHAWK
We shall have your face painted with the same red soon at night when your husband comes from his rubbers in a false alley; thou wilt not believe me that his bowls run with a wrong bias.
MISTRESS OPENWORK
It cannot sink into me that he feeds upon stale mutton abroad, having better and fresher at ho
me.
GOSHAWK
What if I bring thee where thou shalt see him stand at rack and manger?
MISTRESS OPENWORK
I’ll saddle him in’s kind and spur him till he kick again.
GOSHAWK
Shall thou and I ride our journey then?
MISTRESS OPENWORK
Here’s my hand.
GOSHAWK
No more. — Come, Master Tiltyard, shall we leap into the stirrups with our women and amble home?
TILTYARD
Yes, yes; come, wife.
MISTRESS TILTYARD
In troth, sister, I hope you will do well for all this.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
I hope I shall. Farewell, good sister, sweet Master Goshawk.
GALLIPOT
Welcome, brother, most kindly welcome, sir.
OMNES
Thanks, sir, for our good cheer.
Exeunt all but Gallipot and his wife.
GALLIPOT
It shall be so, because a crafty knave
Shall not outreach me nor walk by my door
With my wife arm in arm, as ‘twere his whore,
I’ll give him a golden coxcomb, thirty pound.
Tush, Pru, what’s thirty pound? Sweet duck, look cheerly.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Thou art worthy of my heart: thou buy’st it dearly.
Enter Laxton muffled.
LAXTON
‘Ud’s light, the tide’s against me! A pox of your pothecaryship! Oh, for some glister to set him going! ’Tis one of Hercules’ labours to tread one of these city hens because their cocks are still crowing over them; there’s no turning tail here, I must on.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh, husband, see, he comes!
GALLIPOT
Let me deal with him.
LAXTON
Bless you, sir.
GALLIPOT
Be you bless’d too, sir, if you come in peace.
LAXTON
Have you any good pudding tobacco, sir?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Oh, pick no quarrels, gentle sir! My husband
Is not a man of weapon as you are;
He knows all: I have op’ned all before him
Concerning you.
LAXTON
Zounds, has she shown my letters!
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Suppose my case were yours, what would you do
At such a pinch, such batteries, such assaults
Of father, mother, kindred, to dissolve
The knot you tied, and to be bound to him?
How could you shift this storm off?
LAXTON
If I know, hang me.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Besides a story of your death was read
Each minute to me.
LAXTON
[Aside] What a pox means this riddling?
GALLIPOT
Be wise, sir; let not you and I be toss’d
On lawyers’ pens: they have sharp nibs and draw
Men’s very heart-blood from them. What need you, sir,
To beat the drum of my wife’s infamy,
And call your friends together, sir, to prove
Your [precontract] when sh’ has confess’d it?
LAXTON
Umh, sir,
Has she confess’d it?
GALLIPOT
Sh’ has, faith, to me, sir,
Upon your letter sending.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
I have, I have.
LAXTON
[Aside] If I let this iron cool, call me slave. —
Do you hear, you dame Prudence? Think’st thou, vile woman,
I’ll take these blows and wink?
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Upon my knees —
LAXTON
Out, impudence!
GALLIPOT
Good sir —
LAXTON
You goatish slaves,
No wild fowl to cut up but mine?
GALLIPOT
Alas, sir,
You make her flesh to tremble; fright her not.
She shall do reason and what’s fit.
LAXTON
I’ll have thee,
Wert thou more common than an hospital
And more diseased.
GALLIPOT
But one word, good sir.
LAXTON
So, sir?
GALLIPOT
I married her, have [lain] with her, and got
Two children on her body; think but on that.
Have you so beggarly an appetite,
When I upon a dainty dish have fed,
To dine upon my scraps, my leavings? Ha, sir?
Do I come near you [now], sir?
LAXTON
Be-Lady, you touch me.
GALLIPOT
Would not you scorn to wear my clothes, sir?
LAXTON
Right, sir.
GALLIPOT
Then pray, sir, wear not her, for she’s a garment
So fitting for my body, I’m loath
Another should put it on; you will undo both.
Your letter, as she said, complain’d you had spent
In quest of her some thirty pound: I’ll pay it.
Shall that, sir, stop this gap up ‘twixt you two?
LAXTON
Well, if I swallow this wrong, let her thank you;
The money being paid, sir, I am gone.
Farewell, oh women! Happy’s he trusts none.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
Dispatch him hence, sweet husband.
GALLIPOT
Yes, dear wife.
Pray, sir, come in. Ere Master Laxton part
Thou shalt in wine drink to him.
MISTRESS GALLIPOT
With all my heart.
[Aside to Laxton] How dost thou like my wit?
LAXTON
[Aside to Mistress Gallipot] Rarely!
Exit Master Gallipot and his wife.
That wile
By which the serpent did the first woman beguile
Did ever since all women’s bosoms fill;
Y’are apple-eaters all, deceivers still.
Exit Laxton.
Act III Scene 3.
HOLBORN STREET
Enter Sir Alexander Wengrave, Sir Davy Dapper, Sir Adam Appleton at one door, and Trapdoor at another door.
SIR ALEXANDER
Out with your tale, Sir Davy, to Sir Adam;
A knave is in mine eye deep in my debt.
SIR DAVY
Nay, if he be a knave, sir, hold him fast.
[Sir Alexander takes Trapdoor aside.]
SIR ALEXANDER
Speak softly. What egg is there hatching now?
TRAPDOOR
A duck’s egg, sir, a duck that has eaten a frog; I have crack’d the shell and some villainy or other will peep out presently. The duck that sits is the bouncing ramp, that roaring girl my mistress, the drake that must tread is your son Sebastian.
SIR ALEXANDER
Be quick.
TRAPDOOR
As the tongue of an oyster-wench.
SIR ALEXANDER
And see thy news be true.
TRAPDOOR
As a barber’s every Saturday night. Mad Moll —
SIR ALEXANDER
Ah.
TRAPDOOR
Must be let in without knocking at your back gate.
SIR ALEXANDER
So.
TRAPDOOR
Your chamber will be made bawdy.
SIR ALEXANDER
Good.
TRAPDOOR
She comes in a shirt of mail.
SIR ALEXANDER
How shirt of mail?
TRAPDOOR
Yes, sir, or a male shirt, that’s to say in man’s apparel.
SIR ALEXANDER
To my son?
TRAPDOOR
Close to your son: your son and her moon will be in conju
nction, if all almanacs lie not. Her black safeguard is turn’d into a deep slop, the holes of her upper body to button holes, her waistcoat to a doublet, her placket to the ancient seat of a codpiece, and you shall take ’em both with standing collars.
SIR ALEXANDER
Art sure of this?
TRAPDOOR
As every throng is sure of a pickpocket, as sure as a whore is of the clients all Michaelmas Term, and of the pox after the term.
SIR ALEXANDER
The time of their tilting?
TRAPDOOR
Three.
SIR ALEXANDER
The day?
TRAPDOOR
This.
SIR ALEXANDER
Away, ply it, watch her.
TRAPDOOR
As the devil doth for the death of a bawd, I’ll watch her; do you catch her.
SIR ALEXANDER
She’s fast: here weave thou the nets. Hark —
TRAPDOOR
They are made.
SIR ALEXANDER
I told them thou didst owe me money; hold it up, maintain ‘t.
TRAPDOOR
Stiffly, as a puritan does contention. [Loudly] [Pox], I owe thee not the value of a halfpenny halter!
SIR ALEXANDER
Thou shalt be hang’d in’t ere thou scape so! Varlet, I’ll make thee look through a grate.
TRAPDOOR
I’ll do’t presently, through a tavern grate. Drawer! Pish!
Exit Trapdoor.
SIR ADAM
Has the knave vex’d you, sir?
SIR ALEXANDER
Ask’d him my money;
He swears my son receiv’d it. Oh, that boy
Will ne’er leave heaping sorrows on my heart
Till he has broke it quite.
SIR ADAM
Is he still wild?
SIR ALEXANDER
As is a Russian bear.
SIR ADAM
But he has left
His old haunt with that baggage?
SIR ALEXANDER
Worse still and worse:
He lays on me his shame, I on him my curse.
SIR DAVY
My son Jack Dapper then shall run with him,
All in one pasture.
SIR ADAM
Proves your son bad too, sir?
SIR DAVY
As villainy can make him. Your Sebastian
Dotes but on one drab, mine on a thousand,
A noise of fiddlers, tobacco, wine and a whore,
A mercer that will let him take up more,
Dice, and a water-spaniel with a duck: oh,
Bring him a-bed with these! When his purse jingles,
Roaring boys follow at’s tale, fencers and ningles,
Beasts Adam ne’er gave name to: these horse-leeches suck
My son; he being drawn dry, they all live on smoke.
SIR ALEXANDER
Tobacco?
SIR DAVY
Right, but I have in my brain
A windmill going that shall grind to dust
The follies of my son, and make him wise
Or a stark fool; pray lend me your advise.
[SIR ALEXANDER, SIR ADAM]
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 166