That shall you, good Sir Davy.
SIR DAVY
Here’s the springe
I ha’ set to catch this woodcock in: an action
In a false name, unknown to him, is ent’red
I’ th’ counter to arrest Jack Dapper.
[SIR ALEXANDER, SIR ADAM]
Ha, ha, he!
SIR DAVY
Think you the counter cannot break him?
SIR ADAM
Break him?
Yes, and break’s heart too if he lie there long.
SIR DAVY
I’ll make him sing a countertenor sure.
SIR ADAM
No way to tame him like it; there he shall learn
What money is indeed, and how to spend it.
SIR DAVY
He’s bridled there.
SIR ALEXANDER
Ay, yet knows not how to mend it.
Bedlam cures not more madmen in a year
Than one of the counters does; men pay more dear
There for their wit than anywhere; a counter:
Why, ’tis an university! Who not sees?
As scholars there, so here men take degrees
And follow the same studies all alike.
Scholars learn first logic and rhetoric.
So does a prisoner: with fine honey’d speech
At’s first coming in he doth persuade, beseech,
He may be lodg’d with one that is not itchy,
To lie in a clean chamber, in sheets not lousy;
But when he has no money, then does he try
By subtle logic and quaint sophistry
To make the keepers trust him.
SIR ADAM
Say they do?
SIR ALEXANDER
Then he’s a graduate.
SIR DAVY
Say they trust him not?
SIR ALEXANDER
Then is he held a freshman and a sot,
And never shall commence, but being still barr’d
Be expuls’d from the master’s side to th’ twopenny ward,
Or else i’ th’ hole be plac’d.
SIR ADAM
When then I pray
Proceeds a prisoner?
SIR ALEXANDER
When money being the aim
He can dispute with his hard creditors’ hearts
And get out clear, he’s then a Master of Arts.
Sir Davy, send your son to Wood Street College:
A gentleman can nowhere get more knowledge.
SIR DAVY
There gallants study hard.
SIR ALEXANDER
True, to get money.
SIR DAVY
Lies by th’ heels, i’faith; thanks, thanks. I ha’ sent
For a couple of bears shall paw him.
Enter Sergeant Curtilax and Yeoman Hanger.
SIR ADAM
Who comes yonder?
SIR DAVY
They look like puttocks; these should be they.
SIR ALEXANDER
I know ’em;
They are officers, sir. We’ll leave you.
SIR DAVY
My good knights.
Leave me; you see I’m haunted now with spirits.
[SIR ALEXANDER, SIR ADAM]
Fare you well, sir.
Exeunt [Sir] Alexander and [Sir] Adam.
CURTILAX
[Aside to Hanger] This old muzzle-chops should be he by the fellow’s description. — Save you, sir.
SIR DAVY
Come hither, you mad varlets. Did not my man tell you I watch’d here for you?
CURTILAX
One in a blue coat, sir, told us that in this place an old gentleman would watch for us, a thing contrary to our oath, for we are to watch for every wicked member in a city.
SIR DAVY
You’ll watch then for ten thousand. What’s thy name, honesty?
CURTILAX
Sergeant Curtilax I, sir.
SIR DAVY
An excellent name for a sergeant, Curtilax.
Sergeants indeed are weapons of the law
When prodigal ruffians far in debt are grown:
Should not you cut them, citizens were o’erthrown.
Thou dwell’st hereby in Holborn, Curtilax?
CURTILAX
That’s my circuit, sir; I conjure most in that circle.
SIR DAVY
And what young toward whelp is this?
HANGER
Of the same litter: his yeoman, sir; my name’s Hanger.
SIR DAVY
Yeoman Hanger.
One pair of shears sure cut out both your coats:
You have two names most dangerous to men’s throats;
You two are villainous loads on gentlemen’s backs.
Dear ware, this Hanger and this Curtilax.
CURTILAX
We are as other men are, sir. I cannot see but he who makes a show of honesty and religion, if his claws can fasten to his liking, he draws blood. All that live in the world are but great fish and little fish, and feed upon one another: some eat up whole men; a sergeant cares but for the shoulder of a man. They call us knaves and curs, but many times he that sets us on worries more lambs one year than we do in seven.
SIR DAVY
Spoke like a noble Cerberus. Is the action ent’red?
HANGER
His name is ent’red in the book of unbelievers.
SIR DAVY
What book’s that?
CURTILAX
The book where all prisoners’ names stand, and not one amongst forty when he comes in believes to come out in haste.
SIR DAVY
Be as dogged to him as your office allows you to be.
[CURTILAX, HANGER]
Oh, sir!
SIR DAVY
You know the unthrift Jack Dapper?
CURTILAX
Ay, ay, sir. That gull? As well as I know my yeoman.
SIR DAVY
And you know his father too, Sir Davy Dapper?
CURTILAX
As damn’d a usurer as ever was among Jews; if he were sure his father’s skin would yield him any money, he would when he dies [flay] it off, and sell it to cover drums for children at Bartholomew Fair.
SIR DAVY
[Aside] What toads are these to spit poison on a man to his face! — Do you see, my honest rascals? Yonder greyhound is the dog he hunts with: out of that tavern Jack Dapper will sally. Sa, sa; give the counter, on, set upon him.
[CURTILAX, HANGER]
We’ll charge him upo’ th’ back, sir.
SIR DAVY
Take no bail, put mace enough into his caudle, double your files, traverse your ground.
[CURTILAX, HANGER]
Brave, sir.
SIR DAVY
Cry arm, arm, arm.
[CURTILAX, HANGER]
Thus, sir.
SIR DAVY
There boy, there boy, away: look to your prey, my true English wolves, and so I vanish.
Exit Sir Davy.
CURTILAX
Some warden of the sergeants begat this old fellow, upon my life! Stand close.
HANGER
Shall the ambuscado lie in one place?
CURTILAX
No, [nook] thou yonder.
Enter Moll and Trapdoor.
MOLL
Ralph.
TRAPDOOR
What says my brave captain male and female?
MOLL
This Holborn is such a wrangling street.
TRAPDOOR
That’s because lawyers walks to and fro in’t.
MOLL
Here’s such justling, as if everyone we met were drunk and reel’d.
TRAPDOOR
Stand, mistress: do you not smell carrion?
MOLL
Carrion? No, yet I spy ravens.
TRAPDOOR
Some poor wind-shaken gallant will anon fall into sore labour, and these men-midwives must bring him to bed i’ the counter: there all those that are g
reat with child with debts lie in.
MOLL
Stand up.
TRAPDOOR
Like your new maypole.
HANGER
Whist, whew.
CURTILAX
Hump, no.
MOLL
Peeping? It shall go hard, huntsmen, but I’ll spoil your game. They look for all the world like two infected maltmen coming muffled up in their cloaks in a frosty morning to London.
TRAPDOOR
A course, captain; a bear comes to the stake.
Enter Jack Dapper and Gull.
MOLL
It should be so, for the dogs struggle to be let loose.
HANGER
Whew.
CURTILAX
Hemp.
MOLL
Hark, Trapdoor, follow your leader.
JACK
Gull.
GULL
Master.
JACK
Didst ever see such an ass as I am, boy?
GULL
No, by my troth, sir. To lose all your money, yet have false dice of your own! Why, ’tis as I saw a great fellow used t’other day: he had a fair sword and buckler, and yet a butcher dry-beat him with a cudgel.
[MOLL]
Honest sergeant —
[TRAPDOOR]
Fly, fly, Master Dapper: you’ll be arrested else!
JACK
Run, Gull, and draw!
GULL
Run, master, Gull follows you!
[Exeunt Jack] Dapper and Gull.
CURTILAX
I know you well enough: you’re but a whore to hang upon any man.
MOLL
Whores then are like sergeants, so now hang you! [To Trapdoor] Draw, rogue, but strike not: for a broken pate they’ll keep their beds and recover twenty marks damages.
CURTILAX
You shall pay for this rescue! [To Hanger] Run down Shoe Lane and meet him.
[Exeunt Curtilax and Hanger.]
TRAPDOOR
Shoo! Is this a rescue, gentlemen, or no?
MOLL
Rescue? A pox on ’em! Trapdoor, let’s away;
I’m glad I have done perfect one good work today.
If any gentleman be in scriveners’ bands,
Send but for Moll, she’ll bail him by these hands.
Exeunt.
Act IV Scene 1.
SIR ALEXANDER’S CHAMBER
Enter Sir Alexander Wengrave solus.
SIR ALEXANDER
Unhappy in the follies of a son,
Led against judgment, sense, obedience,
And all the powers of nobleness and wit:
Oh, wretched father!
Enter Trapdoor.
Now, Trapdoor, will she come?
TRAPDOOR
In man’s apparel, sir; I am in her heart now
And share in all her secrets.
SIR ALEXANDER
Peace, peace, peace.
Here, take my German watch; hang ‘t up in sight
That I may see her hang in English for’t.
TRAPDOOR
I warrant you for that now; next sessions rids her, sir: this watch will bring her in better than a hundred constables.
SIR ALEXANDER
Good Trapdoor, sayst thou so? Thou cheer’st my heart
After a storm of sorrow. My gold chain too:
Here, take a hundred marks in yellow links.
TRAPDOOR
That will do well to bring the watch to light, sir,
And worth a thousand of your headboroughs’ lanthorns.
SIR ALEXANDER
Place that a’ the court cupboard, let it lie
Full in the view of her thief-whorish eye.
TRAPDOOR
She cannot miss it, sir; I see’t so plain
That I could steal ‘t myself.
SIR ALEXANDER
Perhaps thou shalt too,
That or something as weighty; what she leaves,
Thou shalt come closely in and filch away,
And all the weight upon her back I’ll lay.
TRAPDOOR
You cannot assure that, sir.
SIR ALEXANDER
No, what lets it?
TRAPDOOR
Being a stout girl, perhaps she’ll desire pressing,
Then all the weight must lie upon her belly.
SIR ALEXANDER
Belly or back I care not so I’ve one.
TRAPDOOR
You’re of my mind for that, sir.
SIR ALEXANDER
Hang up my ruff band with the diamond at it;
It may be she’ll like that best.
TRAPDOOR
[Aside] It’s well for her that she must have her choice; he thinks nothing too good for her. — If you hold on this mind a little longer, it shall be the first work I do to turn thief myself; would do a man good to be hang’d when he is so well provided for.
SIR ALEXANDER
So, well said; all hangs well, would she hung so too:
The sight would please me more than all their [glisterings].
Oh, that my mysteries to such straits should run
That I must rob myself to bless my son!
Exeunt. Enter Sebastian, with Mary Fitzallard like a page, and Moll [in man’s clothing].
SEBASTIAN
Thou hast done me a kind office, without touch
Either of sin or shame; our loves are honest.
MOLL
I’d scorn to make such shift to bring you together else.
SEBASTIAN
Now have I time and opportunity
Without all fear to bid thee welcome, love.
Kiss.
MARY
Never with more desire and harder venture.
MOLL
How strange this shows, one man to kiss another.
SEBASTIAN
I’d kiss such men to choose, Moll;
Methinks a woman’s lip tastes well in a doublet.
MOLL
Many an old madam has the better fortune then,
Whose breaths grew stale before the fashion came;
If that will help ’em, as you think ‘twill do,
They’ll learn in time to pluck on the hose too.
SEBASTIAN
The older they wax, Moll — troth, I speak seriously —
As some have a conceit their drink tastes better
In an outlandish cup than in our own,
So methinks every kiss she gives me now
In this strange form is worth a pair of two.
Here we are safe and furthest from the eye
Of all suspicion: this is my [father’s] chamber,
Upon which floor he never steps till night;
Here he mistrusts me not, nor I his coming.
At mine own chamber he still pries unto me;
My freedom is not there at mine own finding,
Still check’d and curb’d: here he shall miss his purpose.
MOLL
And what’s your business now you have your mind, sir?
At your great suit I promis’d you to come;
I pitied her for name’s sake, that a Moll
Should be so cross’d in love when there’s so many
That owes nine lays apiece, and not so little.
My tailor fitted her. How like you his work?
SEBASTIAN
So well no art can mend it for this purpose,
But to thy wit and help we’re chief in debt
And must live still beholding.
MOLL
Any honest pity
I’m willing to bestow upon poor ring-doves.
SEBASTIAN
I’ll offer no worse play.
MOLL
Nay, and you should, sir;
I should draw first and prove the quicker man.
SEBASTIAN
Hold, there shall need no weapon at this meeting;
But ‘cause thou shalt not loose thy fury idle,
Here tak
e this viol, run upon the guts,
And end thy quarrel singing.
MOLL
Like a swan above bridge,
For look you here’s the bridge, and here am I.
SEBASTIAN
Hold on, sweet Moll.
MARY
I’ve heard her much commended, sir, for one that was ne’er taught.
MOLL
I’m much beholding to ’em. Well, since you’ll needs put us together, sir, I’ll play my part as well as I can; it shall ne’er be said I came into a gentleman’s chamber and let his instrument hang by the walls.
SEBASTIAN
Why, well said, Moll! I’faith, it had been a shame for that gentleman then that would have let it hung still and ne’er off’red thee it.
MOLL
There it should have been still then for Moll, for though the world judge impudently of me, I ne’er came into that chamber yet where I took down the instrument myself.
SEBASTIAN
Pish, let ’em prate abroad; th’ art here where thou art known and lov’d. There be a thousand close dames that will call the viol an unmannerly instrument for a woman and therefore talk broadly of thee, when you shall have them sit wider to a worse quality.
MOLL
Push, I ever fall asleep and think not of ’em, sir, and thus I dream.
SEBASTIAN
Prithee let’s hear thy dream, Moll.
The song.
MOLL. I dream there is a mistress,
And she lays out the money;
She goes unto her sisters,
She never comes at any.
Enter Sir Alexander behind them.
She says she went to th’ Burse for patterns;
You shall find her at Saint Kathern’s,
And comes home with never a penny.
SEBASTIAN
That’s a free mistress, faith.
SIR ALEXANDER
[Aside] Ay, ay, ay, like her that sings it, one of thine own choosing.
MOLL
But shall I dream again?
Here comes a wench will brave ye,
Her courage was so great:
She lay with one o’ the navy,
Her husband lying i’ the Fleet,
Yet oft with him she cavill’d.
I wonder what she ails.
Her husband’s ship lay gravell’d,
When hers could hoise up sails;
Yet she began like all my foes
To call whore first, for so do those:
A pox of all false tails!
SEBASTIAN
Marry, amen say I.
SIR ALEXANDER
[Aside] So say I too.
MOLL
Hang up the viol now, sir: all this while I was in a dream; one shall lie rudely then, but being awake, I keep my legs together. A watch: what’s a’ clock here?
SIR ALEXANDER
[Aside] Now, now, she’s trapp’d.
MOLL
Between one and two; nay, then I care not. A watch and a musician are cousin-germans in one thing: they must both keep time well, or there’s no goodness in ’em; the one else deserves to be dash’d against a wall, and t’other to have his brains knock’d out with a fiddle case. What? A loose chain and a dangling diamond.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 167