To witnes which, I will call forth a Dutchman (yet now hees past calling for, has lost his hearing, for his eares by this time are eaten off with wormes) who (though hee dwelt in Bedlem) was not mad, yet the lookes of the Plague (which indeed are terrible) put him almost out of his wits, for when the snares of this cunning hunter (the Pestilence) were but newly layd, and yet layd (as my Dutch-man smelt it out well enough) to intrap poore mens liues that meant him no hurt, away sneakes my clipper of the kings english, and (because Musket-shot should not reach him) to the Low-countries (that are built vpon butter-firkins, and Holland cheese) sailes this plaguie fugitiue, but death, (who hath more authoritie there then all the seauen Electors, and to shew him that there were other Low-countrey besides his owne) takes a little Frokin (one of my Dutch runaways children) and sends her packing, into those Netherlands shee departed: O how pitifully lookt my Burgomaister, when he vnderstood that the sicknes could swim! It was an easie matter to scape the Dunkirks, but Deaths Gallyes made out after him swifter then the great Turkes. Which he perceiuing, made no more adoo, but drunke to the States fiue or sixe healths (because he would be sure to liue well) and backe againe comes he, to try the strength of English Beere: his old Randeuous of madmen was the place of meeting, where he was no sooner arriued, but the Plague had him by the backe, and arrested him vpon an Exeat Regnum, for running to the enemie, so that for the mad tricks he plaid to cozen our English wormes of his Dutch carcas (which had beene fatted heere) sicknesse and death clapt him vp in Bedlem the second time, and there he lyes, and there he shall lye till he rot before ile meddle any more with him.
But being gotten out of Bedlem, let vs make a iourney to Bristow, taking an honest knowne Citizen along with vs, who with other company travailing thither (onely for feare the aire of London should conspire to poison him) and setting vp his rest not to heare the sound of Bow-bell till next Christmas, was notwithstanding in the hye way singled out from his company, and set vpon by the Plague, who bad him stand, and deliuer his life. The rest at that word shifted for themselues, and went on, hee (amazed to see his friends flye, and being not able to defend himselfe, for who can defend himselfe meeting such an enemy?) yeelded, and being but about fortie miles from London, vsed all the slights he could to get loose out of the handes of death, and so to hide himselfe in his owne house, whereupon, he calld for help at the same Inne, where not long before he and his fellowe pilgrimes obtained for their money (mary yet with more prayers then a begger makes in three Termes) to stand and drinke some thirtie foote from the doore. To this house of tipling iniquitie hee repaires againe, coniuring the Lares or walking Sprites in it, if it were Christmas (that if was well put in) and in the name of God, to succor and rescue him to their power out of the handes of infection, which now assaulted his body: th Diuell would haue bene afraid of this coniuration, but they were not, yet afraid they were it seemed, for presently the doores had their wodden ribs crusht in pieces, by being beaten together: the casements were shut more close than an Vsurers greasie veluet powch: the drawing windowes were hangd, drawne, and quartered: not a creuis but was stopt, not a mouse-hole left open, for all the holes in the house were most wickedly dambd vp: mine Hoste and Hostesse ranne ouer one another into the backe-side, the maydes into the Orchard, quiuering and quaking, and ready to hang themselues on the innocent Plumb-trees (for hanging to them would not be so sore a death as the Plague, and to die maides too! O horrible!) As for the Tapster, he fled into the Cellar, rapping out fiue or sixe plaine Countrey oathes, that hee would drowne himselfe in a most villanous Stand of Ale, if the sicke Londoner Stoode at the doore any longer. But stand there he must, for to go away (well) he cannot, but continues knocking and calling in a faint voyce, which in their eares sounded, as if some staring ghost in a Tragedie had exclaimed vpon Rhadamanth: he might knocke till his hands skte, and call till his heart akte for they were in a worse pickle within, then hee was without: hee being in a good way to go to Heauen, they being so frighted, that they scarce knew whereabout Heauen stoode, onely they all cryed out, Lord haue mercy vpon vs, yet Lord haue mercy vpon vs was the only thing they feared. The dolefull catastrophe of all is, a bed could not be had for all Babilon: not a cup of drinke, no, nor cold water be gotten, though it had bin for Alexander the great: if a draught of Aqua vitæ might haue saued his soule, the towne denyed to do God that good seruice.
What miserie continues euer? the poore man standing thus at deaths doore, and looking euery minute when he should be let in, behold, another Londoner that had likewise bene in the Frigida zona of the Countrey, and was returning (like Æneas out of hell) to the heauen of his owne home, makes a stand at this sight, to play the Physition, and seeing the complexion of his patient that he was sicke at heart, applies to his soule the best medicines that his comforting speech could make, for there dwelt no Poticary neere enough to helpe his body. Being therefore driuen out of all other shiftes, he leads him into a field (a bundle of Strawe, which with much adoe he bought for money, seruing in stead of a Pillow.) But the Destinies hearing the diseased partie complaine and take on, because hee lay in a field-bedde, when before hee would haue beene glad of a mattresse, for very spight cut the threade of his life, the crueltie of which deede made the other (that playd Charities part) at his wittes end, because hee knew not where to purchase tenne foote of ground for his graue: the Church nor Churchyard would let none of their lands. Maister Vicar was strucke dumbe, and could not giue the dead a good word, neither Clarke nor Sexton could be hired to execute their office; no, they themselues would first be executed: so that he that neuer handled shouell before, got his implements about him, ripped vp the belly of the earth, and made it like a graue, stript the cold carcasse, bound his shirt about his feete, pulled a linnen night cappe ouer his eyes, and so layde him in the rotten bedde of the earth, couering him with cloathes cut out of the same piece: and learning by his last words his name and habitation, this sad Trauailer arriues at London, deliuering to the amazed widdow and children, in stead of a father and a husband, onely the out-side of him, his apparrell. But by the way note one thing, the bringer of these heauy tydings (as if he had liued long enough when so excellent a worke of pietie and pittie was by him finished) the very next day after his comming home, departed out of this world, to receiue his reward in the Spirituall Court of Heauen.
It is plaine therefore by the euidence of these two witnesses, that death, like a theife, sets vpon men in the hie way, dogs them into their owne houses, breakes into their bed chambers by night, assaults them by day, and yet no law can take hold of him: he deuoures man and wife: offers violence to their faire daughters: kils their youthfull sonnes, and deceiues them of their seruants: yea, so full of trecherie is he growne (since this Plague tooke his part) that no louers dare trust him, nor by their good wils would come near him, for he workes their downfall, euen when their delights are at the highest.
Too ripe a proofe haue we of this, in a paire of Louers; the maide was in the pride of fresh bloud and beautie: she was that which to be now is a wonder, yong and yet chaste: the gifts of her mind were great, yet those which fortune bestowed vpon her (as being well descended) were not much inferiour: On this louely creature did a yong man so stedfastly fixe his eye, that her lookes kindled in his bosome a desire, whose flames burnt the more brightly, because they were fed with sweet and modest thoughts: Hymen was the God to whome he prayed day and night that he might marry her: his praiers were receiued, at length (after many tempests of her deniall and frownes of kinsfolk) the element grew cleere & he saw ye happy landing place, where he had long sought to ariue: the prize of her youth was made his own, and the solemne day appointed when it should be deliuered to him. Glad of which blessednes (for to a louer it is a blessednes) he wrought by all the possible art he could vse to shorten the expected houre, and bring it neerer: for, whether he feared the interception of parents, or that his owne soule, with excesse of ioy, was drowned in strange passions, he would often, with sighs mingled with kisses, and kisses halfe sinking in
teares, prophetically tell her, that sure he should neuer liue to enioy her. To discredit which opinion of his, behold, the sunne had made hast and wakened the bridale morning. Now does he call his heart traitour, that did so falsly conspire against him: liuely bloud leapeth into his cheekes: hees got vp, and gaily attirde to play the bridegroome, shee likewise does as cunningly turne her selfe into a bride: kindred and friends are met together, soppes and muscadine run sweting vp and downe till they drop againe, to comfort their hearts, and because so many coffins pestred London Churches, that there was no roome left for weddings, Coaches are prouided, and away rides all the traine into the Countrey. On a monday morning are the lustie Louers on their iourney, and before noone are they alighted, entring (insteade of an Inne) for more state into a Church, where they no sooner appeared, but the Priest fell to his busines, the holy knot was a tying, but he that should fasten it, comming to this, In sicknesse and in health, there he stopt, for sodainely the bride tooke hold of, in sicknes, for in health all that stoode by were in feare shee should neuer be kept. The maiden-blush into which her cheekes were lately died, now beganne to loose colour: her voyce (like a coward) would haue shrunke away, but that her Louer reaching her a hand, which he brought thither to giue her, (for hee was not yet made a full husband) did with that touch somewhat reuiue her; on went they againe so farre, till they mette with For better, for worse, there was she worse than before, and had not the holy Officer made haste, the ground on which she stood to be marryed might easily haue beene broken vp for her buryall. All ceremonies being finished, she was ledde betweene two, not like a Bride, but rather like a Coarse, to her bed: That; must now be the table, on which the wedding dinner is to be serued vppe (being at this time, nothing but teares, and sighes, and lamentation) and Death is chiefe waiter, yet at length her weake heart wrastling with the pangs, gaue them a fall, so that vp shee stoode againe, and in the fatall funerall Coach that carried her forth, was she brought back (as vpon a beere) to the Citie: but see the malice of her enemy that had her in chase, vpon the wensday following being ouertaken, was her life ouercome, Death rudely lay with her, and spold her of a maden head in spite of her husband. Oh the sorrow that did round beset him! now was his diuination true, she was a wife, yet continued a maide: he was a husband and a widdower, yet neuer knew his wife: she was his owne, yet he had her not: she had him, yet neuer enioyed him: heere is a strange alteration, for the rosemary that was washt in sweete water to set out the Bridall, is now wet in teares to furnish her buriall: the musike that was heard to sound forth dances, can not now be heard for the ringing of belles: all the comfort that happened to either side being this, that he lost her, before she had time to be an ill wife, and she left him, ere he was able to be a bad husband.
Better fortune, had this Bride, to fall into the handes of the Plague, then one other of that fraile female sex, (whose picture is next to be drawne) had to scape out of them. An honest cobler (if at least coblers can be honest, that liue altogher amongest wicked soales) had a wife, who in the time of health treading her shooe often awry, determined in the agony of a sicknesse (which this yeare had a saying to her) to fall to mending aswell as her husband did. The bed that she lay vpon (being as she thought or rather feared) the last bed that should euer beare her, (for many other beds had borne her you must remember) and the worme of sinne tickling her conscience, vp she she calls her very innocent and simple husband out of his vertuous shoppe, where like Iustice he sat distributing amongst the poore, to some, halfe-penny peeces, penny peeces to some, and two-penny peeces to others, so long as they would last, his prouident care being alway, that euery man and woman should goe vpright. To the beds side of his plaguy wife approacheth Monsieur Cobler, to vnderstand what deadly newes she had to tell him, and the rest of his kinde neighbours that there were assembled: such thicke teares standing in the both the gutters of his eies, to see his beloued lie in such a pickle, that in their salt water, all his vtterance was drownd: which she perceiuing, wept as fast as he: But by the warme counsell that sat about the bed, the shower ceast, she wiping her cheekes with the corner of one of the sheetes: and he, his sullied face, with his leatherene apron[.] At last, two or three sighes (like a Chorus to the tragedy ensuing) stepping out first, wringing her handes (which gaue the better action) shee told the pittifull Actæon her husband, that she had often done him wrong: hee onely shooke his head at this, and cried humh! which humh, she taking as the watch-word of his true patience, vnraueld the bottome of her frailetie at length, and concluded, that with such a man (and named him, but I hope you would not haue me follow her steppes and name him too) she practised the vniuersall & common Art of grafting, and that vpon her good mans head, they two had planted a monstrous paire of inuisble hornes: At the sound of the hornes, my cobler started vppe like a march Hare, and began to looke wilde: his awle neuer ranne through the sides of a boote, as that word did through his heart: but being a polliticke cobler, and remembering what peece of worke he was to vnder-lay, stroking his beard, like some graue headborough of the Parish, and giuing a nodde, as who should say, goe on, bade her goe on indeed, clapping to her sore soule, this generall salue, that All are sinners, and we must forgiue, &c. For hee hoped by such wholesome Phisicke, (as Shooemakers waxe being laide to a byle) to draw out all the corruption of her secret villainies. She good heart being tickled vnder gilles, with the finger of these kind speeches, turnes vp the white of her eye, and fetches out an other. An other, (O thou that art trained vp in nothing but to handle peeces:) Another hath discharged his Artillery against thy castle of fortification: here was passion predominant: Vulcan strooke the colers ghost (for he was now no cobler) so hardy vpon his breast, that he cryed Oh! his neighbours taking pitte to see what terrible stitches pulld him, rubde his swelling temples with the iuice of patience, which (by vertue of the blackish sweate that stoode realing on his browes, and had made them supple) entred very easily into his now parlous-vnderstanding scull: so that he left wenching, and sate quiet as a Lamb, falling to his old vomite of councell, which he hasd cast vp before, and swearing (because he was in strong hope, this shoo should wring him no more) to seale her a generall acquittance, prict forward with this gentle spur, her tongue mends his pace, so that in her confession shee ouertooke others, whose bootes had beene set all night on the Coblers laast, bestowing vppon him the poesie of their names, the time, and place, to thintent it might be put into his next wifes wedding ring. And although shee had made all these blots in his tables, yet the bearing of one man false (whom she had not yet discouered) stucke more in her stomacke than all the rest. O valiant Cobler, cries out one of the Auditors, how art thou set vpon? how art thou tempted? happy arte thou, that thou art not in thy shop, for in stead of cutting out peeces of leather, thou wouldst doubtlesse now pare away thy hart: for I see, and so do all thy neighbours here (thy wifes ghostly fathers) see that a small matter would now cause thee to turne turk, & to meddle with no more patches: but to liue within the compasse of thy wit: lift not vp thy collar: be not horne mad: thanke heauen that the murther is reueald: study thou Baltazars Part in Ieronimo, for thou hast more cause (though lesse reason) than he, to be glad and sad.
Well, I see thou art worthy to haue patient Griseld to thy wife, for thou bearest more than she: thou shewest thy selfe to be a right cobler, and no sowter, that canst thus cleanely clowt vp the seam-rent sides of thy affection. With this learned Oration the Cobler was tutord: layd his finger on his mouth, and cried paucos palabros: he had sealed her pardon, and therefore bid her not feere: heer vpun she named the malefactor, I could name him too, but that he shall liue to giue more Coblers heads the Bastinado. And told, that on such a night when he supt there (for a Lord may sup with a cobler, that hath a pretty wench to his wife) when the cloth, O treacherous linnen! was taken vp, and Menelaus had for a parting blow, giuen the other his fist: downe she lights (this half-sharer) opening the wicket, but not shutting him out of the wicket, but conueis him into a by-room (being the ward-rob of old shooes and leather) from whence t
he vnicorne cobler (that dreamt of no such spirits) being ouer head and eares in sleepe, his snorting giuing the signe that he was cock-sure, softly out-steales sir Paris, and to Helenaes teeth prooued himselfe a true Troian.
This was the creame of her confusion, which being skimd off from the stomach of her conscience, we looked euery minute to goe thither, where we should be farre enough out of the Coblers reach. But the Fates laying their heades together, sent a repriue, the plague that before meant to pepper her, by little and little left her company: which newes being blowne abroad, Oh lamentable! neuer did the old buskind trgedy beginne till now: for the wiues of those husbands, with whom she had playd at fast and loose, came with nayles sharpened for the nonce, like cattes, and tongues forkedly cut like the stings of adders, first to scratch out false Cressidaes eyes, and then (which was worse) to worry her to dath with scolding.
But the matter was tooke vp in a Tauerne; the case was altered, and brought to a new reckoning (mary the blood of the Burdeaux grape was first shead about it) but in the end, all anger on euery side was powred into a pottle pot, & there burnt to death. Now whether this Recantation was true, or whether the steeme of infection, fuming vp (like wine) into her braines made her talke thus idlely, I leaue it to the Iury.
And whilst they are canuasing her case, let vs see what dooings the Sexton of Stepney hath: whose ware-houses being all full of dead commodities, sauing one: that one hee left open a whole night (yet was it halfe full too) knowing ye theeues this yeare were too honest to break into such cellers. Besides those that were left there, had such plaguy pates, that none durst meddle with them for their liues. About twelue of the clock at midnight, when spirites walke, and not a mowse dare stirring, because cattes goe a catter-walling: Sinne, that all day durst not shew his head, came reeling out of an ale-house, in the shape of a drunkard, who no sooner smelt the winde, but he thought the ground vnder him danced the Canaries: houses seemed to turne on the toe, and all things went round: insomuch, that his legges drew a paire of Indentures, betweene his body and the earth, the principal couenant being that he for his part would stand to nothing what euer he saw: euery tree that came in his way, did he iustle, and yet chalenge it the next day to fight with him. If he had clipt but a quarter so much of the Kings siluer, as he did of the Kings english, his carcas had long ere this bene carrion for Crowes. But he liued by gaming, and had excellent casting, yet seldome won, for he drew reasonable good hands, but had very bad feete, that were not able to carry it away. This setter vp of Malt-men, being troubled with the staggers, fell into the self-same graue, that stood gaping wide open for a breakfast next morning, and imagining (when he was in) that he had stumbled into his owne house, and that all his bedfellowes (as they were indeede) were in their dead sleepe, he, (neuer complaining of colde, nor calling for more sheete) soundly takes a nap till he snores again: In the morning the Sexton comes plodding along, and casting vpon his fingers ends what he hopes ye dead pay of that day will come too, by that which he receiued the day before, (for Sextons now had better doings than either Tauernes or bawdy-houses) In that siluer contemplation, shrugging his shoulders together, he steppes ere he be aware on the brimmes of that pit, into which this worshipper of Bacchus was falne, where finding some dead mens bones, and a scull or two, that laie scattered here and there; before he lookt into this Coffer of wormes, those he takes vp, and flinges them in: one of the sculls battered the sconce of the sleeper, whilst the bones plaide with his nose; whose blowes waking his mustie worship, the first word that he cast vp, was an oath, and thinking the Cannes had flyen about, cryed zoundes, what do you meane to cracke my mazer? the Sexton smelling a voice, (feare being stronger than his heart) beleeued verily some of the coarses spake to him, vpon which, feeling himselfe in a cold sweat, tooke his heeles, whilst the Goblin scrambled vp and ranne after him: But it appeares the Sexton had the lighter foote, for he ran so fast, that hee ranne out of his wittes, which being left behinde him, he had like to haue dyed presently after.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 201