A meryer bargaine than the poore Sextons did a Tincker meete withall in a Countrey Towne; through which a Citizen of London being driuen (to keepe himselfe vnder the lee-shore in this tempestuous contagion) and casting vp his eye for some harbour, spied a bush at the ende of a pole, (the auncient badge of a Countrey Ale-house:) Into which as good lucke was, (without any resistance of the Barbarians, that all this yeare vsed to keepe such landing places) veiling his Bonnet, he strucke in. The Host had bene a mad Greeke, (mary he could now speake nothing but English,) a goodly fat Burger he was, with a belly Arching out like a Beere-barrell, which made his legges (that were thicke & short, like two piles driuen vnder London-bridge) to stradle halfe as wide as the toppe of Powles, which vpon my knowledge hath bene burnt twice or thrice. A leatherene pouch hung at his side, that opened and shut with a Snap-hance, and was indeed a flaske for gun-powder when King Henry went to Bulloigne. An Antiquary might haue pickt rare matter out of his Nose, but that it was worme-eaten (yet that proued it to be an auncient Nose:) In some corners of it, there were blewish holes that shone like shelles of mother of Pearle, and to doo his nose right, Pearles had bene gathered out of them: other were richly garnisht with Rubies, Chrisolites and Carbunckles, which glistered so oriently, that the Hamburgers offered I know not how many Dollars, for his companie in an East-Indian voyage, to haue stoode a nightes in the Poope of their Admirall, onely to saue the charges of candles. In conclusion, he was an Host to be ledde before an Emperour, and though he were one of the greatest men in all the shire, his bignes made him not proude, but he humbled himselfe to speake the base language of a Tapster, and vppon the Londoners first arriual, cryed welcome, a cloth for this Gentleman: the Linnen was spread, and furnisht presently with a new Cake and a Can, the roome voided, and the Guest left (like a French Lord) attended by no bodie: who drinking halfe a Can (in conceit) to the health of his best friend in the Citie, which laie extreame sicke, and had neuer more neede of health, I knowe not what qualmes came ouer his stomach, but immediately he fell downe without vttering any more wordes, and neuer rose againe.
Anon ( as it was his fashion) enters my puffing Host, to relieue (with a fresh supply out of his Celler,) the shrinking Can, if hee perceiued it stoode in daunger to be ouerthrowne. But seeing the chiefe Leader dropt at his feete, and imagining at first hee was but wounded a little in the head, held vp his gowty golles and blest himselfe, that a Londoner (who had wont to be the most valiant rob-pots) should now be strooke downe only with two hoopes: and therevpon iogd him, sembling out these comfortable words of a souldier, If thou be a man stand a thy legges: he stird not for all this: wherevpon the Maydes being raisde (as it had bene with a hue and cry) came hobling into the roome, like a flocke of Geese, and hauing vpon search of the bodie giuen vp this verdict, that the man was dead, and murthered by the Plague; Oh daggers to all their hearts that heard it! Away trudge the wenches, and one of them hauing had a freckled face all her life time, was perswaded presently that now they were the tokens, and had liked to haue turned vp her heeles vpon it: My gorbelly Host, that in many a yeare could not without grunting, crawle ouer a threshold but two foote broad, leapt halfe a yarde from the coarse (It was measured by a Carpenters rule) a nimbly as if his guts had beene taken out by the hangman: out of the House he wallowed presently, being followed with two or three dozen of napkins to drie vp the larde, that ranne so fast downe his heeles, that all the way he went, was more greazie than a kitchin-stuffe-wifes basket: you would haue sworne, it had beene a barrell of Pitch on fire, if you had looked vpon him, for such a smoakie clowde (by reason of his owne fattie hotte steeme compassed him rounde, that but for his voyce, hee had quite beene lost in that stincking myst: hanged himselfe hee had without all question ( in this pittifull taking) but that hee feared the weight of his in tollerable paunch, would haue burst the Roape, and so hee should bee put to a double death. At length the Towne was raised, the Countrey came downe vpon him, and yet not vpon him neither, for after they vnderstood the Tragedie, euery man gaue ground, knowing my pursie Ale-cunner could not follow them: what is to be done in this straunge Allarum? The whole village is in daunger to lye at the mercy of God, and shall be bound to curse none, but him for it: they should do well therefore, to set fire on his house, before the Plague scape out of it, least it forrage higher into the Countrey, and knocke them downe, man, woman, and childe, like Oxen, whose blood (they all sweare) shall be required at his handes. At these speeches my tender-hearted Hoste, fell downe on his maribones, meaning indeede to entreat his audience to bee good to him; but they fearing hee had beene pepperd too, as well as the Londoner, tumbled one vpon another, and were ready to breake their neckes for haste to be gone: yet some of them (being more valiant then the rest, because they heard him roare out for some helpe) very desperately stept backe, and with rakes and pitch-forkes lited the gulch from the ground: Co[n]cluding (after they had laid their hogsheads togither, to draw out som hoesome counsel) that whosoeuer would venter vpon the dead man & bury him, should haue fortie shillings (out of the common towne-purse, though it would bee a great cut to it) with the loue of the Churchwardens and Side-men, during the terme of life. This was proclaimed, but none durst appeare to vndertake the dreadfull execution: they loued money well, mary the plague hanging ouer any mans head that should meddle with it in that sort, they all vowde to dye beggers before it should be Chronicled they kild themselues for forty shillings: and in that braue resulution, euery one with bagge & baggage marcht home, barricadoing their doores & windowes with firbushes, ferne, and bundels of straw to keepe out pestilence at the staues end.
At last a Tinker came sounding through the Towne, mine Hosts house being the auncient watring place where he did vse to cast Anchor. You must vnderstand hee was none of those base rascally Tinkers, that with a ban-dog and a drab at their tayles, and a pike-staffe on their necks, will take a purse sooner then stop a kettle: No, this was a deuout Tinker, he did honor God Pan: a Musicall Tinker, that vpon his kettle-drum could play any Countrey dance you cald for, and vpon Holly-dayes had earned money by it, when no Fidler could be heard of. Hee was onely feared when he stalked through some townes where Bees were, for he strucke so sweetely on the bottome of his Copper instrument, that he would emptie whole Hiues, and leade the swarmes after him only by the sound.
This excellent egregious Tinker calls for his draught (being a double Iugge) it was fild for him, but before it came to his nose, the lamentable tale of the Londoner was tolde, the Chamber-doore (where hee lay) being thrust open with a long pole, (because none durst touch it with their hands) and the Tinker bidden (if he had the heart) to goe and see if hee knew him. The Tinker being not to learne what vertue the medicine had which hee held at his lippes powred it downe his throate merily, and crying trilill, he feares no plagues. In hee stept, tossing the dead body too and fro, and was sorrie hee knew him not: Mine Hoste that with griefe began to fall away villanously, looking very ruthfully on the Tinker, and thinking him a fit instrument to be playd vpon, offred a crowne out of his owne purse, if he would bury the partie. A crowne was a shrewd temptation to a Tinker; many a hole might he stop, before he could picke a crowne of it , yet being a subtill Tinker (& to make all Sextons pray for him, because hee would raise their fees) an Angell he wanted to be his guide, and vnder ten shillings (by his ten bones) he would not put his finger into the fire. The whole parish had warning of this presently, thirtie shillings was saued by the bargaine, and the Towne like to be saued too, therefore ten shillings was leuyed out of hand, put into a rag, which was tyed to the ende of a long pole and deliuered (in sight of all the Parish, who stood aloofe stopping their noses) by the Headboroughs owne selfe in proper person, to the Tinker, who with one hand receiued the money, and with the other struck the boord, crying hey, a fresh double pot. Which armour of proofe being fitted to his body, vp he hoists the Londoner on his backe (like a Schoole-boy) a Shouell and Pick axe standing ready for him; And thus furnished, into a field some good distance from the Towne he beares his deadly l
oade, and there throwes it downe, falling roundly to his tooles, vpon which the strong beere hauing set an e[dg]e, they quickely cut out a lodging in the earth for the Citizen. But the Tinker knowing that wormes needed no apparell, sauing onely sheetes, stript him starke naked, but first diu’de nimbly into his pocket, to see what linings they had, assuring himselfe, that a Londoner would not wander so farre without siluer: his hopes were of the right stamp, for from out of his pockets he drew a leatherne bagge with seuen pounds in it: this musicke made the Tinkers heart dance, he quickely tumbled his man into the graue, hid him ouer head and eares in dust, bound vp his cloathes in a bundle, & carying that at the end of his staffe on his shoulder, with the purse of seuen pounds in his hand, backe againe comes he through the towne, crying aloud, Haue yee any more Londoners to bury, hey downe a downe dery, haue ye any more Londoners to bury: the hobbinolls running away from him, as if he had beene the dead Citizens ghost, & he marching away from them in all the hast he could, with the song still in his mouth.
You see therefore how dreadfull a fellow Death is, making fooles euen of wisemen, and cowards of the most valiant; yea, in such a base slauerie hath it bound mens sences, that they haue no power to looke higher than their owne roofes, but seeme by their turkish and barberous actions to belieue that there is no felicitie after this life, and that (like beasts) their soules shall perish with their bodyes. How many vpon sight onely of a Letter (sent from London) haue started backe, and durst haue layd their saluation vpon it, that the plague might be folded in that empty paper, belieuing verily, that the arme of Omnipotence could neuer reach them, vnlesse it were with some weapon drawne out of the infected Citie: in so much that euen the Western Pugs receiuing money there, haue tyed it in a bag at the end of their barge, and so trailed it through the Thames, least plague-sores sticking vpon shillings, they should be naild vp for counterfeits when they were brought home.
More ventrous than these block-heads was a certaine Iustice of peace, to whose gate being shut (for you must know that now there is no open house kept) a company of wilde fellowes being lead for robbing an Orchyard, the stout-hearted Constable rapt most couragiously, and would haue about with none, but the Iustice himselfe, who at last appeard in his likenesse aboue at a window, inquiring why they summond a parlie. It was deiliuered why: the case was opened to his examining wisedome, and that the euill doers were onely Londoners: at the name of Londoners, the Iustice clapping his hand on his brest (as who should say, Lord haue mercie vpon vs) started backe, and being wise enough to saue one, held his nose hard betweene his fore-finger and his thumbe, and speaking in that wise (like the fellow that described the villainous motion of Iulius Cæsar and the Duke of Guize, who (as he gaue it out) fought a combat together) pulling the casement close to him, cryed out in that quaile-pipe voice, that if they were Londoners, away with them to Limbo: take onely their namesthey were sore fellowes, and he would deale with them when time should serue: meaning, when the plague and they should not be so great together, and so they departed: the very name of Londoners being worse than ten whetstones to sharpen the sword of Iustice against them.
I could fill a large volume, and call it the second part of the hundred mery tales, onely with such ridiculous stuffe as this of the Iustice, but Dij meliora, I haue better matters to set my wits about: neither shall you wring out of my pen (though you lay it on the rack) the villainies of that damned Keeper, who kild all she keept; it had bene good to haue made her keeper of the common Iayle, and the holes of both Counters, for a number that lye there, that wish to be rid out of this motley world, shee would haue tickled them, and turned them ouer the thumbs. I will likewise let the Church-warden in Thames streete sleepe (for hees now past waking) who being requested by one of his neighbors to suffer his wife or child (that was then dead ) to lye in the Churchyard, answered in a mocking sort, he keept that lodging for himselfe and his houshold: and within three dayes after was driuen to hide his head in a hole himselfe. Neither will I speake a word of a poore boy (seruant to a Chandler) dwelling thereabouts, who being struck to the heart by sicknes, was first caryed away by water, to be left any where, but landing being denyed by an army of browne bill-men that kept the shore, back againe was he brought, and left in an out-celler, where lying groueling and groning on his face (amongst fagots, but not one of the set on fire to comfort him (there continued all night, and dyed miserably for want of succor. Nor of another poore wetch in the Parish of Saint Mary Ouereyes, who being in the morning throwne, as the fashion is, into a graue vpon a heape of carcases, that kayd for their complement, was found in the afternoone, gasping and gaping for life: but by these tricks, imagining that many a thousand haue bebe turned wrongfully off the ladder of life, and praying that Derick or his executors may liue to do those a good turne, that haue done so to others: Hic finis Priami, heres an end of an old Song.
Et iam tempus Equum fumantia souere colla.
FINIS.
NEWES FROM GRAUES-END SENT TO NOBODY
THE EPISTLE DEDICATORY.
To Him, that (in the despite and neuer-dying-dishonour of all empty sisted Mecaen-Asses) is the Gratious, munificent, and golden. Rewarder of Rimes: singular paymaister of Songes and Sonnets: Vnsquint-eyde Surueyor of Heroicall Poems: Chiefe Rent-gatherer of Poets and Musitians: And the most valiant Confounder of their desperate debts. And to the comfort of all honest Christians) The now-onely-onely-Supper-maker to Enghles & Plaiers-Boyes, Syr Nicolas Nemo, alias Nobody.
SHALL I creepe (like a drownde Ratte) into thy warme bosome, (my Benefique Patron!) with a piece of some olde mustie Sentence in my mouth, stolne out of Lycosthenes Apothegmes, and so accost thee? Out vpont! the fashion of such Dedications is more stale than kissing. No, no, suffer me (good Nobody) to diue (like a White-Friars Puncke) into thy familiar & solid acquaintance at the first dash: And in stead of Worshipfull Syr, come vpon thee with honest Iew, how doest? Wonder not that out of the whole barrell of pickeld Pat•ons, I haue onely made choice of thee, for I loue none really, but thee and my selfe, for vs two do I only care, and therefore I coniure thee, let the payment of thine affection be reciprocall.
They are Rimes that I have boyld in my leaden Inckpot, for thine owne eating: And now (rarest Nobody) taste the reason why they are serued vp to thee (in the taile of the Plague) like Caveare, or a dish of Anchoues after supper. Know then (Monnsier verse-gilder) that I haue failed (during this storme of the Pestilence) round about the vast Iland of the whole world, which when I found to be made like a foote-ball, the best thing in it, being but a bladder of mans life, (lost with a litle pricke) I tooke vp my foote and spurnd at it, bicause I haue heard that none but fooles make account of the world. But mistake me not, (thou Spur-royall of the Muses!) for it was neither in Sir Francis Drakes nor in Candishes voyage, that I swom through so much saltwater: But onely with two honest Card-makers Peter Plamius and Gerard Mercator) who in their vniuersall Maps, (as in a Barbers Looking-glasse, where a nomber of most villanous vngodly faces are seene, in a yeare, and especially now at Christmas) did (like Country-fellowes, that is to say very plainly) and in a shorter time, than a Sculler can rowe from Queene-hyue to Wapping, make a braue discouery vnto me, as well of all the old raine-beaten, as of the spicke and span new-found worlds, with euery particular Kingdome, Dukedome, and Popedome in their liuely cullors, so that I knew Constantinople as perfectly, as Iobbin, the Mault-mans horse of Enfield knowes the way to London: and could haue gone to the great Turkes Serraglio (where he keepes all his wenches) as tollerably and farre more welcome, than if I had beene one of his Eunuches. Prester Iohn, and the Sophy, were neuer out of mine eye, (yet my sight was not a pin the worse). The Soldan of Egipt I had with a wet finger: from whence, I trauailed as boldly to the Courts of all the Kings in Christendome, as if I had bin an Embassadour) his pomp only excepted.)
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 202