FINIS.
NEWES FROM HELL; BROUGHT BY THE DIUELLS CARRIER.
Et me mihi perfide prodis?
Tho: Dekker.
LONDON Printed by R. B. for W. Ferebrand, and are to be sold at his shop in Popes head Alley, neere vnto the Royal Exchaunge.
1606
TO THE VERY WORTHY GENTLEMAN, SIR IOHN HAMDEN KNIGHT.
SIR, the begetting of Bookes, is as common as the begetting of Children: onely heerein they differ, that Bookes speake so soone as they come into the world, and giue the best wordes they ca¯ to al men, yet are they driuen to seek abroad for a father. That hard fortune followes al & fals into, vpo¯ THIS of mine. It gladly coms to you vpo¯ that errand, and if you vouchsafe to receiue it louingly, I shall account my selfe and It, very happie. Theise Paper-monsters are sure to beset vppon, by many terrible encounters; They had neede therefore to get Armour of proofe that may not shrinke for a bullet; The strongest shieldes that I know for such fights, are good Patrons; from whom writers claime such antient priuiledges, that how-soeuer they finde entertainment, they make bold to take acquaintance of them (though neuer so meerely strangers) without blushing: wherein they are like to courtiers, that inuite the¯selus, vnbidden) to other mens tables & that’s a most Gentleman-like, quality and yet holde it a disgrace, if they receiue not a complementall welcome. Custome making that shew handsomly, which (if the curious hande of Formality, should apparell) would appeare vile Fashion thereforeis the best Painter, for what pictures soeuer she draws, are workman-ly done: presuming vpon whose warrant, I send vnto you the discouery of a strange country, If it were of both Indyes, my loue could bestow it vpon you. Accept it therefore, and if hereafter I may be a voyager to any happyer coast, the Fruits of (that as now of this) shallbe most affectionately consecrated to you.
From him that wishes he could be a deseruer of you.
Tho. Dekker
TO THE READER.
TO come to the presse is more dangerous, then to bee prest to death, for the payne of those Tortures, last but a few minutes, but he that lyes vpon the rack in print, hath his flesh torne off by the teeth of Enuy, and Calumny, euen when he meanes no body any hurt in his graue. I think therefore twere better to make ten challenges at all manner of weapons, then to play a Schollers Prize, vpon a book-sellers stall, for the one draws but bloud: by the other a man is drawne & quartred, take heed of Criticks. they bite (like fish) at any thing, especially at bookes. But the Diuell being Let loose amongst them, I hope they will not exercise their Coniurations vpon him: Yf they doe, they are damb’d. In despight of Brontes and Steropes, that forge Arrowes of Ignorance and contempt, to shoote at Learning, I haue hamerd out this Engine, that has beaten open the Infernall Gates, and discouerd that great Tobaconist the Prince of Smoake & darknes, Don Pluto. A supplicatio¯ was sent to him long since by a poore fellow one Pierce Pennylesse. But the Diuel being ful of busines, could neuer til now haue leasure to answere it: Mary now (since Christmas) he has drawne out some spare howres, & shot 2. Arrowes at one mark, in 2. seuerall Bowes: and of two contrary flights: Wherein hee proues himselfe, a damb’d lying Cretan, because hee’s found in two Tales, about one matter. But it may be, the first Answere, that hee sent by the Post was in the Morning, (fot he striues to speake soberly, grauely, and like a Puritane) The other (sure) in the afternoone, for hee talkes more madly: But so farre from Those fantasticall Taxations &c. Which the Gentleman that drew that forenoones piece, (whom I know not) seemes aloofe off (like a Spy) to discouer, that euen in the most triuiall and merriest Applications, there are Seria locis, how soeuer it bee, sithence wee both haue had to doe with the Deuill, and that hee’s now [by our meanes) brought to the Barre, let him plead for himselfe: Yshis Answers be good, tis strange, because no goodnes can come from him, Yfbad, and like thee not, thou hast the amends in thyne owne hands: neuer rayle at him: for the Diuell (like a drunkard) cares for no body.
Farewell.
THE DEUILL LET LOOSE, WITH HIS ANSWERE TO PIERCE PENNYLESSE.
GREAT wagers were layd in the world, that when the Supplication was sent, it would not be receyued; or if receyued, it would not be read ouer; or if read ouer, it would not be answered: for Mammon being the god of no beggers, but Burgomasters and rich Cormorants, was woorse thought of than he deserued: Euery man that did but passe through Pauls Church-yard, and had but a glaunce at the Title of the Petition, would haue betted ten to fiue, that the Deuill would hardly (like a Lawyer in a busy Terme) be spoken with, because his Clyent had not a penny to pay sees, but sued in Forma pauperis.
Had it bene a Challenge, it is cleare he would haue answered it: for hee was the first that kept a Fence-schoole, when Cayn was aliue, and taught him the Embrocado, by which he kild his brother: Since which time hee hath made ten thousand Free schollers as cunning as Cayn. At sword and buckler, little Dauy was no bodie to him, and as for Rapier and Dagger, the Germane may be his iourneyman. Mary the question is, in which of the Play-houses he would haue performed his Prize, if it had grown to blowes, and whether the money beeing gathered, he would haue cozende the Fencers, or the Fencers him, because Hell being vnder euerie one of their Stages, the Players (if they had owed him a spight) might with a false Trappe doore haue slipt him downe, and there kept him, as a laughing stocke to al their yawning Spectators. Or had his Infernallship bene arrested to any action howe great so euer, all the Lawe in Westminster-hall could not haue kept him from appearing to it (for the Diuell scornes to be nonsuited) he would haue answered to that too: But the mischiefe would haue bene, where should he haue got any that would haue pleaded for him? who could haue endured to see such a damnable Client euerie morning in his Chamber? what waterman (for double his fare) would haue landed him at the Temple, but rather haue strucke in at White-Fryers, and left him there ashore with a Poxe to him? Tush: there was no such matter, the streame hee was to venter into, was not so daungerous, this Coyner of Light angels knew well enough how the Exchaunge went, he had but bare wordes lent vnto him, and to pay bare words againe (thogh with some Interest) it could be no losse.
Hee resolued therefore to aunswere his humble Orater: But being himselfe not brought vp to learning (for the Diuell ean neyther write not reade) yet he has bene at all the Vniuersities in Christendome, and throwne heresies (like bones for dogges to gnaw vpon) amongst the Doctors themselues: but hauing no skill but in his owne Horne-booke, it troubled his minde where he should get a pen-man fit for his tooth to scribble for him, all the Scriueners ith towne he had at his becke, but they were so set a worke with making bondes betweene Vsurers and Vnthriftie heires, betweene Marchants and Tradesmen (that to coozen and vndoe others, turne Banke-rowtes themselues, and defeate Creditors) and with drawing close conueyances betweene Landlords and Bawdes, that now sit no longer vpon the skirtes of the Cittie, but iett vp and downe, euen in the cloake of the Cittie, and giue more rent for a house, then the proudest London occupier of them all, that Don Lucifer was loth to take them from their Nouerints, because in the ende he knew they were but his Factors, and that he should be a part-owner in their lading himselfe; Lawyers clarkes were so durtied vp to the hammes with trudging vp and downe to get pelfe, and with fishing for gudgeons, and so wrung poore ignorant clients purses, with exacting vnreasonable Fees, that the Paymaster of Perdition would by no meanes take them from their wide lines, and bursten-bellied straddling ffs, but stroking them vnder the chinnes, cald them his white boyes, and told them he would empty the Inke-pot of some others.
Whither then marches Monsieur Malesico? Mary to all the writing Schoolemasters of the town. He tooke them by the fists and lik’d their handes exceedingly (for some of them had ten or twelue seuerall hands & could counterfeit any thing) but perceiuing by the copies of their countenances, that for al their good letters, they writ abominable bad English, and that the world would thinke the Diuell a Dunce, if there came false Orthographie from him (though there be no truth in his budget) away hee gallops from those tell-tales (the Schoolemasters) damning himselfe to the pit of Hell, if Pi
erce Pennylesse should euer get a good word at his handes.
I hearing this, and fearing that the poore Suppliant should lose his longing, and bee sent away with Si nihil attuleris, resolued (euen out of my loue to Pierce Pennylesse, because he hath beene alwayes a companion to Schollers,) to doe that for nothing, which a number would not for any money.
I fell to my tooles (pen, inke, and paper) roundly, but the Head warden of the Horners (Signior Beco Diauolo) after hee had cast vp what lay in his stomacke, suspecting that I came rather as a spie to betray him, then as a spirit to runne of his errands, and that I was more likely to haue him to Barber Surgeons hall, there to Anatomize him, then to a Barbers shop to trimme him neately, would by no meanes haue the answere goe forwarde: Notwithstanding, hauing examined him vpon Interrogatories, and thereby sifting him to the very bran. I swore by Hellicon, (which he could neuer abide) that because tis out a fashion to bring a Diuell vpon the Stage, he should (spite of his spitting fire and Brimstone) be a Diuell in print. Inraged at which, he flung away in a fury, and leapt into Barathrum, whilst I mustred all my wits about me, to fight against this Captaine of the damned Crew, and discouer his Stratagems.
Wonder is the daughter of ignorance, none but fooles therfore will maruell, how I and this Grand Sophy of the whore of Babylon came to bee so familiar together, or how wee met, or how I knew where to finde him, or what Charmes I carried about mee whil’st I talkt with him, or where (if one had occasion to vse his Diuellship) a Porter might fetch him with a wet finger.
Tush, these are silly inquisitions; his acquaintance is more cheape, then a common Fidlers; his lodging is more known then an English Bawdes, a midwiues or a phisicions; and his walkes, more open to all Nations, then those vpon the Exchaunge, where at every step a man is put in minde of Babell, there is such a confusion of languages. For in the Terme time, my Caualiero Cornuto runnes sweatingvp and downe betweene Temple-barre, and Westminster hall, in the habite of a knight Errant, a swearing knight, or a knight of the Poste: All the Vacation you may eyther meete him at dicing Ordinaries, like a captayne; at cocke-pits, like a young countrey gentleman; or else, at a bowling ally in a flat cap, like a shop keeper: euerie market day you may take him in Cheape-side, poorely attirde like an Ingrosser, and in the afternoones, in the twopeny roomes of a Play-house, like a Puny, seated Cheeke by Iowle with a Punke: In the heate of Summer he commonly turnes Intelligencer, and carries tales betweene the Archduke and the Graue: In the depth of Winter, he sits tippling with the Flemmings in their townes of Garison.
Hauing therefore (as Chamber-maides vse to do sor their Ladies faces ouernight) made readie my cullors, the pencell being in my hand, my carde lined, my needle (that capers ouer two and thirtie pointes of the Compas) toucht to the quicke, East, West, North, and South, the foure Trumpetters of the Worlde, that neuer blow themselues out of breath, like foure dropsie Dutch Captaynes standing Centinells in their quarters, I will ingeniously and boldely giue you the Map of a country, that Iyes lower then the 17. valleyes of Belgia, yea lower then the Cole-pits of Newcastle, is farre more darke, farre more dreadfull, and fuller of knauerie, then the Colliers of those fire-workes are.
The name of this straunge Countrie is Hell; In discouery of which, the Qualitie of the Kingdome, the condition of the Prince, the estate of the people, the Traffique thither (marie no transportation of goods from thence) shalbe painted to the life. It is an Empire, that Iyes vnder the Torrid Zone, and by that meanes is hotter at Christmas, then tis in Spaine or Fraunce (which are counted plaguy hotte Countries) at Midsummer, or in England when the dogge daies bite sorest: for to say truth (because ti’s sinne to belie the Diuell) the Vniuersall Region is built altogether vpon Stoues and Hotte-houses, you cannot set foote into it, but you haue a Fieri facias seru’de vpon you: for like the Glasse-house Furnace in Blacke-friers, the bonefiers that are kept there, neuer goe out; insomuch that all the Inhabitants are almost broylde like Carbonadoes with the sweating sicknes, but the best is (or rather the worst) none of them die on’t.
And such daungerous hot shottes are all the women there, that whosoeuer meddles with any of them is sure to be burnt: It stands farther off then the Indies: yet to see the wonderfull power of Nauigation, if you haue but aside Winde, you may sayle sooner thither, than a maried man can vpon S. Lukes day to Cuckolds hauen, from S. Katherines, which vpon sound experience, and by the opinion of many good Marriners, may be done in lesse than halfe an hower. If you trauell by land to it, the wayes are delicate, euen, spatious, and very faire, but toward the end very fowle: the pathes are beaten more bare, than the liuings of Church-men. You neuer turne, when you are trauelling thither, but keepe altogether on the left hand, so that you cannot lose your selfe, vnlesse you desperately do it of purpose.
The miles are not halfe so long as those betweene Colchester and Ipswich in England, nor a quarter so durtie in the wrath of Winter, as your French miles are at the fall of the leafe.
Some say, it is an Iland, embrac’de about with certaine Riuers, called the waters of Sorrow: Others proue by infallible Demonstration, that tis a Continent, but so little beholden to Heauen, that the Sunne neuer comes amongst them.
How so euer it be, this is certaine, that tis exceeding rich, for all Vsurers both Iewes and Christians, after they haue made away their Soules for money here, meete with them there againe: You haue of all Trades, of all Professions, of all States some there: you haue Popes there, aswel as here, Lords there, as well as here, Knights there aswel as here, Aldermen there, aswel as here, Ladies there, aswel as here, Lawyers there, aswell as here, Soldiers march there by millions, soe doe Cittizens, soe doe Farmers, very fewe Poets can be suffred to liue there, the Colonell of Coniurers driues them out of his Circle, because hee feares they’le write libells against him: yet some pittifull fellowes (that haue faces like fire-drakes, but wittes colde as Whetstones, and more blunt) not Poets indeede, but ballad-makers, rub out there, and write Infernals: Marrie players swarme there as they do here, whose occupation being smelt out, by the Cacodaemon, or head officer of the Countrie, to bee lucratiue, he purposes to make vp a company, and to be chiefe sharer himselfe, De quibus suo loco, of whose doings you shall heare more by the next carrier: but here’s the mischiefe, you may find the way thither, though you were blinder then Superstition, you may bee set a-shore there, for lesse then a Scullers fare: Any Vintners boy, that has bene cup-bearer to one of the 7. deadly sinnes but halfe his yeres, any Marchant of maiden heads, that brings co¯modities out of Virginia, can direct you thither: But neyther they nor the weather-beatenst Cosmographicall Starre-catcher of em all, can take his oath, that it lyes iust vnder such an Horizon, whereby many are brought into a fooles Paradice, by gladly beleeuing that either there’s no such place at all, or else, that tis built by Inchauntment, and standes vpon Fayrie ground, by reason such pinching and nipping is knowne to bee there, and that how well fauourd soeuer wee depart hence, we are turnd to Changelings, if we tarry there but a minute.
These Territories, notwithstanding of Tartarie, will I vndermine and blow vp to the view of all eies, the black & dismal shores of this Phlegetonticke Ocean, shall be in ken, as plainely as the white (now vnmaydend brests of our owne Iland:) China, Peru and Cartagena, were neuer so rifled: the winning of Cales, was nothing to the ransacking of this Troy that’s all on fire: the very bowels of these Infernall Antipodes, shall bee ript vp, and pulld out, before that great Dego of Diuels his owne face: Nay, since my flag of defiance is hung forth, I will yeelde to no truce, but with such Tamburlaine-like furie march against this great Turke, and his legions, that Don Belzebub shal be ready to damme himselfe, and be hornemad: for with the coniuring of my pen, al Hell shall breake loose.
Assist me therefore, thou Genius of that ven. trous, but Iealous musicion of Thrace (Euridices husband) who being besotted on his wife (of which sin none but Cuckolds should bee guilty) went aliue (with his fiddle at’s back,) to see if he could baile her out of that Adamantyne prison; the fees he was to pay for her, were Iigs and count
ry daunces: he payd the¯: the forfeits, if he put on yellow stockings & lookt back vpon her, was her euerlasting lying there, without baile or Maynprize: the louing coxco¯b could not choose but looke back, and so lost her, (perhaps hee did it, because hee would be rid of her.) The morall of which is, that if a man leaue his owne busines, and haue an eye to his wiues dooings, sheele giue him the slip, though she runne to the Diuell for her labor, Such a iourney (sweet Orpheus) am I to vndertake, but Ioue forbid my occasion should be like thine; for if the Marshall himselfe should rake Hell for wenches, he could not find worse, (no nor so bad) there, as are here vpo¯ earth. It were pity any woma¯ should be damn’d, for she would haue tricks (once in a moone) to put the Diuell forth of his wits. Thou (most cleare throated singing man,) with thy harpe (to the twinckling of which, inferior spirits skipt like goats ouer the Welch mountaines) hadst priuiledge, because thou wert a Fiddler, to be sawey, and to passe and repasse through euery roome, and into euery nook of the Diuels wine-celler: Inspire mee therfore with thy cunning that caried thee thither, and thy courage that brought thee from thence, teach me which way thou went’st in, and how thou scapt’st out, guide me in true fingering, that I may strike those tunes which thou plaid’st (euery dinner and supper) before that Emperor of Low Germanie, and the brabbling States vnder him: Lucifer himselfe daunced a Lancashire Horne-pipe, whilst thou wert there. If I can but harp vpon thy string, hee shall now for my pleasure tickle vp the Spanish Pauin. I will call vpon no Midwiues to help mee in those Throws, which (after my braines are fallen in labour) I must suffer, (yet Midwiues may be had vp at all howres) nor vpon any coniurer, (yet coniurers, thou knowst, are fellow and fellow-like with Monsieur Malediction, as Puncks are, who raize him likewise vp continually in their Circaean Circles) or as Brokers are, who day and night study the black Art: No, no (thou Mr of thy musicall company) I sue to none, but to thee, because of thy Prick-song: For Poetry (like honesty and olde Souldiers) goes vpon lame feete, vnlesse there bee musicke in her.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 206