And thou, into whose soule (if euer there were a Pithagorean Metempsuchosis) the raptures of that fierie and inconfinable Italian spirit were bounteously and boundlesly infused, thou sometimes Secretary to Pierce Pennylesse, and Master of his requests, ingenious, ingenuous, fluent, facetious, T. Nash: from whose aboundant pen, hony flow’d to thy friends, and mortall Aconite to thy enemies: thou that madest the Doctor a flat Dunce, and beat’st him at two sundry tall Weapons, Poetrie, and Oratorie: Sharpest Satyre, Luculent Poet, Elegant Orator, get leaue for thy Ghost, to come fro¯ her abiding, and to dwell with me a while, till she hath carows’d to me in her owne wo¯ted ful measures of wit, that my plump braynes may swell, and burst into bitter Inuectiues against the Lieftennant of Limbo, if hee casheere Pierce Pennylesse with dead pay. But the best is, Facilis descensus Auerni, we may quickly haue a ring through his nose if he do: Its but slipping down a hil, & you shal fal into the deuils lap prese¯tly. And that’s the reason (because his sinfulnes is so double-diligent, as to be at your elbow with a call, wherein he giues good examples to Drawers, if they had grace to follow his steps) that you swalow down that Newes first, which should be eaten last: For you see at the beginning, the Diuell is ready to open his mouth for an Answere, before his howre is come to be set to the Barre.
Since therfore, a Tale of the whole voyage would make any liquorish mouth’d Newes-monger lick his lips after it, no mans teeth shall water any longer, hee shal haue it; for a very briefe Cronicle shalbe gathered, of al the memorable occurrents, that presented the¯selues to the view of our wandring Knight in his iourney, the second part of Erra paters Almanacke, whose shooes, Platoes Cap was not worthy to wipe, shal come forth, & without lying (as you Calender-mongers vse to doe,) tell what weather wee had all the way he went, to a drop of raine: wee will not lose him, fro¯ the first minute of his iumping a shipboard, to the last of his leaping a shore, and arriuall at Tamor Chams Court (his good Lord and Master) the Diuell.
The Post therfore hauing put vp his packet, blows his horne, and gallops all the way, like a Citizen, so soone as euer hee’s on horseback, downe to Billins-gate, for he meant when the Tide seru’d to angle for Souls & some other fresh fish in that goodly fishpond the Thames, as he passed ouer it, in Grauesend Barge: that was the water coach he would ride in, there he knew he should meete with some voluntaries that would venture along with him: In this passage through the Citty, what a number of Lord Mayors, Aldermens, and rich Commoners sonnes and heyres kept a hallowing out at Tauerne-windowes to our knight, and wafted him to their Gascoigne shores with their hats only, (for they had mol ted away all their fethers) to haue him strike sayle & come vp to them: he vaild, and did so: their phantastick salutations being complemented, with much intreatie (because he stood vpon Thornes) hee was aduaunc’d (in regard of his Knighthood) to the vpper end of the boord: you must take out your writing tables, and note by the way, that euery roome of the house was a Cage full of such wild fowle, Et crimine ab vno disce omnes, cut vp one, cut vp all, they were birds all of a beake, not a Woodcocks difference among twenty dozen of them; euery man had before him abale of dice, by his side a brace of Punks, and in his fist a nest of bowles. It was spring-tide sure, for all were full to the brimmes, with French beeing turn’d into English (for they swum vp and downe the Riuer of Burdeux) signified thus much, that dicing, drinking, and drabbing, (like the three seditious Iewes in Ierusalem) were the ciuil plagues, that very vnciuily destroyed the Sonnes (but not the sinnes) of the Cittie.
The bloud of the grape comming vp into their cheeks, it was hard to iudge, whether they blushed to see themselues in such a pickle, or lookt red with anger one at another: but the troth is, their faces would take any dye but a blush-colour, and they were not made of the right mettle of courage to bee angry, but their wits, (like wheeles in Brunswick clocks) being all wound vp, so far as they could stretch, were all going, but not one going truly.
For some curst their birth, some their bringing vp, some rayled vpon their owne Nation, others vpon Strangers. At the last, one of these Acolasti playing at doublets with his pue-fellow (which they might well doe, being almost driuen to their shirts) and hearing vpon what Theame the rest sung Ex tempore, out draws his ponyard, and stabbing the tables, as if he meant to haue murder’d the thirty men, swore he could find in his heart to go presently (hauing drunke vpsie Dutch) and pisse euen vpon the Curmudgion his fathers graue: for, sayes he, no man has more vndone me, than he that has done most for me ile stand too’t, it’s better to be the son of a Cobler, then of a Common councill man: if a Coblers sonne and heyre runne out at heeles, the whoreson patch may mend himselfe; but wee whose friends leaue vs wel, are like howre glasses turn’d vp, though we be neuer so full, we neuer leaue running, till wee haue emptied our selues, to make vp the mouths of slaues, that for gaine are content to lye vnder vs, like Spaniels, fawning, and receiue what fals from our superfluity. Who breeds this disease, in our bones? Whores? No, alack let’s doe them right, ’tis not their fault, but our mothers, our cockering mothers, who for their labour make vs to be cald Cockneys, or to hit it home indeede, those golden Asses our fathers.
It is the olde man, it is Adam, that layes a curse vpon his Posterity: As for my Dad, tis well knowne, hee had ships reeling at Sea, (the vnlading of which giues mee my load now, and makes mee stagger on land) hee had ploughs to teare vp deare yeeres out of the guts of the earth i’th countrey, and Yeomens sonnes, North countrey-men, fellowes (that might haue beene Yeomen of the Guard for feeding,) great boyes with beards, whom hee tooke to bee Prentizes, (mary neuer any of them had the grace to be free,) and those lads (like Sarieants) tore out mens throats for him to get money in the Citty: hee was richer then Midas, but more wretched then an Alchumist: so couetous that in gardning time, because he would not be at the cost-of a loade of Earth, he parde not his nayles for seauen yeeres together, to the intent the durt that hee filcht vnder them, should serue for that purpose: So that they hung ouer his Fingers, like soe many shooing-hornes: doe but imagine how farre euer any man ventred into Hell for money, and my father went a foote farder by the standard, and why did he this, thinke you? he was so sparing, that hee would not spend so much time as went to the making vp of another childe, so that all was for mee, hee cozend yong gentlemen of their land, onely for me, had acres morgadgde to him by wise-acres for three hundred poundes, payd in hobby horses, dogges, bells, and lutestrings, which if they had bine sold by the drum, or at an outrop, with the cry, of No man better? would neuer haue yelded 50. li. & this he did only for me, he built a Pharos or rather a Block-house beyond the galows at Wapping, to which the black fleet of cole carriers that came from Newcastle, strook saile, were brought a bed, and discharg’d their great bellies there, like whores in hugger mugger, at the common price with twelue pence in a chaulderouer and aboue, thereby to make the common wealth blow her nayles till they ak’de for cold, vnlesse she gaue money to sit by his fire, onely for me: the poore curst him with bel, booke & candle, till he lookt blacker with their execration, then if hee had bene blasted, but hee carde not what doggs barkt at him, so long as they bit not mee: his houskeeping was worse then an Irish Kernes, a Rat could not co¯mit a Rape vpo¯ the paring of a moldy cheese, but he died for’t, onely for my sake, the leane Iade Hungarian would not lay out a penny pot of sack for himself, though he had eaten stincking fresh Herring able to poyson a dogge, onely for mee, because his sonne and heire should drinke eggs and muskadine, when hee lay rotting.
To conclude, he made no conscience, to runne quick to the Diuell of an errand, so I had sent him. Might not my father haue beene begg’d (thinke you) better then a number of scuruy things that are begd? I am perswaded, fooles would be a rich Monopolie, if a wise man had em in hand: would they had begun with him, Ile be sworne, he was a fat one: for had he fild my pockets with siluer, and the least corner of my coxcomb with wit how to saue that siluer, I might haue bene cald vpon by this, whereas now I am ready to giue vp my cloake: Had he sett me to Grammer schoole, as I set my self to dauncing sch
oole, in stead of treading Carontoes, and making Fidlers fat with rumps of Capons, I had by this time read Homilyes, and fedde vpon Tithe-pigges of my owne vicaridge, whereas now, I am ready to get into the Prodigals seruice, and eate Iones nuts, that’s to say, Acorns with swine: But men that are wisest for officers, are commonly arrand woodcoks, for fathers: Hee that prouides liuing for his child, and robs him of learning, turnes him into a Beetle, that flyes from perfumes and sweet Odours, to feede on a cow-sheard; all such rich mens darlings are eyther christened by some left-handed Priest, or else borne vnder a threepenny Planet, and then thei’le neuer be worth a groat, though they were left Landlords of the Indies. I confesse, when all my golden veynes were shrunke vp, and the bottome of my Patrimony came within 200. pound of vnraueling, I could for al that haue bene dub’d: But whe¯ I saw how mine vncle playd at chesse, I had no stomack to be Knighted. Why, sayes the Post? Mary quoth he, because when I prepar’d to fight a battayle on the Chesse-board, a Knight was alwayes better then a Pawne: But the Vsurer myne Vnckle made it playne, that a good pawne now was better then a Knight.
At this the whole Chorus summos mouere Cachinnos, laught til they grind agen, and cal’d for a fresh gallon, all of them falling on their knees, and drawing out siluer and guilt rapyers (the onely monuments that were left of hundreds and thousands in Pecuniis numeratis, swore they would drinke vp these in deepe Healthes, to their howling fathers, so they might be sure the pledging should choake them, because they brought them into the Inne of the World, but left them not enough to pay their ryotous reckonings, at their going out.
The knight was glad he should carry such welcome newes with him, as these, to the clouen-footed Synagogue, and tickled with immoderate ioy, to see the world run vpon such rotten wheeles. Wherevpon, pleading the necessity of his departure, he began first to run ouer his Alphabet of Congees, & then with a French Basilez, slipt out of their company.
But they knowing to what cape he was bound, hung vpon him, like so many beggers on an Almoner, importing, and coniuring him, by the loue he did owe to Knight-hood, and armes, and by his oath, to take vp downe-cast Ladies whom they had there in their companies, and whom they were bound in Nature and humanity, to relieue: that hee would signifie to their fathers, how course the thred of life fell out to be now towards the Fagge end: that therefore, if any of them had (inth’ dayes of his abomination, and idolatry to money) bound the spirit of gold, by any charmes, in Caues or in iron fetters vnder the ground, they should for their own soules quiet (which questionlesse else would whyne vp and downe) if not for the good of their children, release it, to set vp their decay’d estates. Or if there had beene no such coniuring in their life times, that they would take vp mony of the Diuel, (though they forfeyted their bonds) & lay by it for euer, or els get leaue with a Keeper, to try how much they might be trusted for among their olde customers vpon earth, though within two dayes after, they proued Banke-rupts by Proclamation. The Post-master of Hell plainely told them, that if any so Seditious a fellow as gold, were cast into Prison: their fathers would neuer giue their consent to haue him ransom’d: because ther’s more greedines among them below, then can be in the Hye-land cou¯tryes aboue: so that if all the Lordships in Europ were offerd in Morgage for a quarter their value, not so much as 13. pence halfe peny can be had from thence, though a man would hang himselfe for it: And as for their fathers walking abroad with keepers, alas, they lie there vpon such heauy Executions, that they cannot get out for their soules. He counsels them therefore to draw arrowes out of another quiuer, for that these markes stand out of their reach, the ground of which counsell, they all vow to trauerse: Some of them resoluing to cast out liquorish baites, to catch old, (but fleshly) wealthy widdowes, the fire of which sophisticated loue, they make account shal not go out, so lo¯g as any drops of gold can be distil’d fro¯ them: Others sweare to liue and dye in a man of Warre, though such kind of Theeuerie bee more stale then Sea-beefe: the rest, that haue not the hearts to shed bloud, hauing reasonable stocks of wit, meane to imploy em in the sinnes of the Suburbes, though the Pox lyes there as deaths Legyer: For since man is the clocke of time, they’le all be tymes Sextens, and set the Diall to what howres they list.
Our Vant’currer applauded the lots which they drew for themselues, and offred to pay some of the Tauerne Items: but they protesting hee should not spend a Baw-bee, as hee was true knight consedere Duces, they sate downe to their Wine, and he hasted to the water.
By this time is hee landed at Graues-end, (for they whom the Deuil driues, feele no lead at their heeles) what stuffe came along with him in the Bargc, was so base in the weauing, that ’tis too bad to bee set out for sale: It was onely Luggadge, therefore throw it ouer boord. From thence hoysting vp sayle into the Maine, hee struck in among the Dunkerks, where he encountred such a number of all Nations with the dregs of all Kingdomes vices dropping vpon them, and so like the Black Gentleman, his Master, that hee had almost thought himselfe at home, so neere doe those that lye in Garrison there, resemble the Desperuatoes that fill vp Plutoes Muster-Booke: But his head beating on a thousand Anuiles, the scolding of the Cannon drew him speedily from thence: So that creeping vp along by the ranke Flemmish shores (like an Euesdropper) to whisper out what the brabbling was, hee only set downe a note for his memory, that the States sucking Poyson out of the sweet flower of Peace, but keeping their coffers sound and healthfull by the bitter pils of Warre, made their countrey a pointing stock to other Nations, and a miserable Anatomie to themselues.
The next place hee cal’d in at, was France, where the Gentlemen, to make Apes of Englishmen, whom they tooke dayly practising all the foolish tricks of fashions after their Monsieur-ships, with yards in stead of leading Staues, mustred all the French Taylors together, who, by reason they had thin haire, wore thimbles on their heads in stead of Harnesse caps, euery man being armed with his sheeres and pressing Iron, which he calls there his goose (many of the¯ being in France:) Al the crosse caperers being plac’d in strong rankes, and an excellent oration cut out and sticht together, perswading them to sweat out their very braines, in deuising new french cuts, new french collors, new french codpeeces, and new french panes in honour of Saint Dennys, onely to make the giddy-pated Englishman consume his reuenues in wearing the like cloathes, which on his back at the least can shew but like cast sutes being the second edition, whilst the poore Fre¯ch peasant iets vp and downe, (like a Pantaloun) in the olde thread-bare cloake of the Englishman, so that wee buy fashions of them to fether our pride, and they borrow rags from vs to couer their beggery. The Spaniard was so busy in touching heauen with a launce, that our Knight of the burning shield, could not get him at so much leysure, as to eat a dish of Pilchers with him. The gulfe of Venice he purposes shal therefore swallow a few howres of his obseruation, where hee no sooner sets footing on shore, but he encou¯ters with Lust, so ciuilly suted, as if it had bin a Marchants wife: Whoremongers there, may vtter their co¯modities as lawfully, as Costermongers here, they are a company as free, and haue as large priuiledges for what they doe, as any of the twelue Companyes in London. In other countreys Lechery is but a Chamber-mayd: Here, a great Lady: Shee’s a retaylor and has warrant to sel soules, and other smal wares, vnder the Seale of the Cittie: Sinne heere keepes open market: Damnation has a price set vpon it, and dares goe to Lawe for her owne: For a Curtizans action of the Case, will hold aswell as a Vsurers plea of debt, for ten ‘ith hundred. If Bridewell stood in Venice, a golden key (more easily then an yron picklocke) would open all the doores of it: For Lechery heere lyes night and day with one of prides daughters (Liberty,) and so sarre is the infection of this Pestilence spred, that euery boy there has much harlot in his eyes: Religion goes all in changeable silkes, and weares as many maskes as she do’s colours: Churches stand like Rocks, to which very few approach, for feare of suffring ship-wrack.
The seuen deadly sinnes, are there in as great authority, as the seuen Electors in Germany, and women in greater then both: In so much as drunkennes, which was once the Du
tchmans head-ake, is now become the Englishmans: so ielozy, that at first was whipt out of Hell, because shee tormented euen Diuels, lies now euery howre in the Venecians bosome: Euery noble man growes there like a Beech tree, for a number of beasts couch vnder his shade: euery gentleman aspires rather to bee counted great then good, weighing out good words by pounds, and good deeds by drams: their promises are Eeues, their performances hollidayes, for they worke hard vpon the one, and are idle on the other: Three things there are dog-cheap, learning, poore mens sweat, and othes: farmers in that country are petty Tyrants, and Landlords, Tyra¯ts ouer those farmers, Epicures grow as fat there, as in England, for you shall haue a slaue eat more at a meale, then ten of the Guard, and drink more in two dayes, then all Maningtree do’s at a Whitsun ale. Our Rankrider of the Stygia¯ borde¯rs, seeing how wel these Pupils profited vnder their Italian Schole-master, and that all countreys liu’d obedient to the Luciferan lawes, resolu’d to change Post-hors no more, but to conclude his Perigrinatio¯, hauing seene fashions, and gotten table-talke enough by his trauell. In a fewe minutes therefore is he come to the banck-side of Acheron, where you are not bayted by whole kennels of yelping watermen, as you are at Westminster-bridge, and ready to be torne in peeces to haue two pence rowed out of your purse: no, Ship wrights there could hardly liue, there’s but one boat, & in that one, Charon is the onely Ferri-ma¯, so that if a Cales Knight should bawle his hart out, he ca¯not get a paire of oares there, to do him grace with (I plyed your worship first) but must be glad to goe with a Sculler: By which meanes, though the fare be smal (for the watermans wages was at first but a half penny, then it came to a peny, ’tis now mended, and is growne to three halfe pence, for all things wax deare in Hell, as well as vpon earth, by reason ’tis so populous) yet the gaines of it are greater in a quarter, then ten Westerne Barges get in a yeere: Dotchet Ferry comes nothing neere it.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 207