It is for al the world, like Graues-end Barge: and the passengers priuiledged alike, for ther’s no regard of age, of sex, of beauty, of riches, of valor, of learning, of greatnes, or of birth: He that comes in first, sits no better then the lost.
Will Summers giues not Richard the Third the cushions, the Duke of Guize and the Duke of Shore-ditch haue not the bredth of a bench between them, Iane Shore and a Goldsmiths wife are no better one then another.
Kings & Clownes, Souldiers & Cowards, Churchmen and Sextons, Aldermen, and Coblers, are all one to Charon: For his Naulum, Lucke (the old Recorders foole) shall haue as much mat, as Sir Lancelot of the Lake: He knows, though they had an oare in euery mans Boat in the World, yet in his they cannot challenge so much as a Stretcher: And therfore (though hee sayles continually with wind and Tide,) he makes the prowdest of them all, to stay his leasure. It was a Comedy, to see what a crowding (as if it beene at a new Play) there was vpon the Acherontique Strond, so that the Post was fayne to tarry his turne, because hee could not get neere enough the shore: He purpos’d therefore patiently to walke vp and downe, till the Coast was cleere, and to note the cödition of all the passengers. Amongst whom there were Courtyers, that brought with em whole trunks of apparell, which they had bought, and large pattents for Monopolyes, which they had beg’d: Lawyers loaden with Leases, and with purchased Lordships, Cleargy men, so pursy and so windlesse with bearing three or foure Church liuings, that they could scarce speake: Merchants laden with baggs of gold, for which they had robd their princes custome: Schollers with Aristotle and Ramus in cloake-bags, (as if they ment to pull downe the Diuell) in disputation, being the subtillest Logician, but full of Sophistry: Captayns, some in guilt armor (vnbattred,) some in buffe Ierkins, plated o’re with massy siluer lace, (rayzd out of the ashes of dead pay,) and banckrupt citizens, in swarmes like porters sweating basely vnder the burdens of that, for which other men had sweat honestly before. All which (like Burgers in a Netherland towne taken by freebooters) were compelled to throw downe bag and baggage, before they could haue pasport to bee shipt into the Flemmish Hoy of Hell: For if euery man should bee sufferd to carry with him out of the world that which hee tooke most delight in, it were inough to drowne him, and to cast away the vessell hee goes in: Charon therefore strips them of all, and leaues them more bare then Irish beggers: And glad they were (for all their howling to see themselues so fleec’d) that for their siluer they could haue wastage ouer. In therefore they thrung, some wading vp to the knees, and those were youngmen: they were loth to make too much hast, swearing they came thither before their time:
Some, vp to the middles, and those were women, they seeing young men goe before them, were asham’d not to ve¯ture farder than they: Others waded vp to the chin, & the old men, they seeing their gold taken from them, were desperate, and would haue drown’d themselues: but that Charon slipping his Oare vnder their bellies, tost them out of the water, into his Wherry. The boat is made of nothing but the wormeaten ribs of coffins, nayl’d together, with the splinters of fleshlesse shin-bones, dig’d out of graues, beeing broken in pieces. The sculls that hee rowes with, are made of Sextons spades, which had bene hung vp at the end of some great Plague, the bench he sits vpon, a ranke of dead mens sculls. The worst of them hauing bene an Emperor, as great as Charlemaine: And a huge heap of their beards seruing for his cushion: the Mast of the boat is an arme of an Yew tree, whose boughs (in stead of Rosemary) had wont to be worn at buryals: The sayle, two patcht winding sheets, wherein a Broker and an Vsurer had bin laid for their linnen, will last longest, because it comes co¯mo¯ly out of Lauender & is seldom worn.
The waterman himselfe is an old grisly-fac’d fellow: a beard filthyer then a Bakers mawkin that hee sweeps his ouen, which hung full of knotted Elf-locks, and serues him for a Swabber in sowle weather to clense his Hulke: A payre of eyes staring so wide (by beeing bleard with the wind) as if the liddes were lifted vp with gags to keepe them open: More salt Rewmatick water runnes out of them, than would pickle all the Herrings that shall come out of Yarmouth: A payre of hands so hard and scal’d ouer with durt, that passengers thinke hee weares gantlets, and more stinkingly musty are they than the fists of night-men, or the fingers of bribery, which are neuer cleane: His breath belches out nothing but rotten damps, which lye so thick and foggie, on the face of the Waters, that his Fare is halfe choakt, ere they can get to land: The Sea-cole furnaces of ten Brew-howses, make not such a smoke, nor the Tallow pans of fifteene Chaundlers (when they melt,) send out such a smell: Hee’s dreadfull in looks, and currish in language, yet as kind as a courtyer where he takes. Hee sits in all stormes bare-headed, for if he had a cap, he would not put it of to a Pope: A gowne girt to him (made all of Wolues skins) tanned (figuring his greedynes) but worne out so long, that it has almost worn away his elbows: Hee’s thick of hearing to them that sue to him, but to those against whose wils hee’s sent for, a Fiddler heares not the creeking of a window sooner.
As touching the Riuer, looke how Moore-ditch shews, when the water is three quarters dreyn’d out, and by reason the Stomake of it is ouer-laden, is ready to fal to casting so does that, it stinks almost worse, is almost as poysonous, altogether so muddy, altogether so black: In tast very bitter, yet to those that know how to distill these deadly waters,) very wholsome.
Charon, hauing discharged his fraight, the Packetcaryer (that all this while wayted on the other side,) cride A boate, a boat: His voyce was knowne by the tune, and (weary though he were) ouer to him comes our Fery-man. To who¯ (so soon as euer he was set) Charon complaines what a bawling there has bin, with what Fares he has bene posted, and how much tugging (his boat being so thwackt) he has split one of his Oares, and broken his Bid-hooke, so that hee can row but lazily, till it bee mended. And were it not that the soule payes excessiue Rent for dwelling in the body, he sweares (by the Stygian Lake,) he would not let em passe thus for a trifle, but raize his price: why may not he do it as wel as Punks and tradesmen? Herevpon he brags what a nomber of gallant felows and goodly wenches went lately ouer with him, whose names he has in his book and could giuehim, but that they earnestly entreated not to haue their names spred any farder (for their heires sakes) because most of them were too great in some mens books already. The onely wonder (sayes Charon) that these passengers driue me into, is, to see how strangely the world is altred since Pluto and Proserpine were maried: For whereas in the olde time, men had wont to come into his boate all slasht, (some with one arme, some with neuer a leg, and others with heads like calues cleft to their shoulders, and the mouths of their very wounds gaping so wide, as if they were crying A boat, a boat,) now contrariwise, his fares are none, but those that are poysoned by their wiues for lust, or by their heires for liuing, or burnt by whores, or reeling into hell out of tauerns: or if they happen to come bleeding, their greatest glory is a stab, vpon the giuing of a lye.
So that if the three Destinies spin no finer threads the¯n these, men must eyther, (like Aesculapius) be made immortall for meere pitty sake, and be sent vp to Iupiter, or else the Land of Blackamoores must be made bigger: for the great Lord of Tartary will shortly haue no roome for all his retayners, which would be a great dishonour to him, considering hee’s now the onely housekeeper.
By this tyme, Charon looking before him (as Watermen vse to doe) that’s to say, behind him, spied he was hard at shoare: wherevpon seeing he had such dooings (that if it held still) hee must needs take a seruant (and so make a payre of oares for Pluto) hee offered great wages to the Knight Passant, to bee his iourneyman: but he beeing only for the Diuels land seruice, told him hee could not giue ouer his seruice, but assuring him, he would enforme his Mr. (the King of Erebus) of al that was spoken, he payd the boat hyre fitting his Knighthood, leapt ashore and so parted.
The wayes are so playne, & our trauayler on foot so familyar with them, that hee came sooner to the court gates of Auernus, then his fellow (the Wherry-man) could fasten his hooke on the other side of Acheron: The porter (though he knew him wel inou
gh and fawnd vpon him,) would not let him passe, till he had his due: for euery officer there is as greedy of his Fees, as they are heere. You mistake, if you imagine that Plutoes porter is like one of those big fellows that stand like Cyants at Lords gates) hauing bellies bumbasted with ale in Lambs-wool, and with Sacks: and cheeks strutting out (like two footebals) being blowen vp with powder beefe & brewis: yet hee’s as surly as those Key-turners are, but lookes as little more scuruily: No, no, this doorekeeper wayts not to take money of those that passe in, to behold the Infernall Tragedyes, neyther has hee a lodge to dyne & sup in, but only a kennell, and executes his bawling office meerely for victuals: his name is Cerberus, but the howsehold call him more properly, The Black dog of Hell: Hee has three heads, but no hayre vpon them, (the place is too hot to keep hayre on) for in stead of hayr they are al curl’d ouerwith snakes, which reach fro¯ the crowns of his 3. heads alongst the ridge of his back to his very taile, & thats wreathed like a drago¯s: twenty couple of hounds make not such a damnable noyse, when they howle, as he does whe¯ he barks: his property is to wag his tayle, when any comes for entrance to the gate, & to lick their hands, but vpon the least offer to scape out, he leaps at their throats; sure hee’s a mad dog, for wheresoeuer he bites, it rankles to the death. His eyes are euer watching, his eares euer listning, his pawes euer catching, his mouths are gaping: Insomuch, that day & night, he lyes howling to bee sent to Paris Garden, rather then to bee vs’de, so like a curre as he is.
The Post, to stop his throat, threw him a Sop, and whyl’st hee was deuouring of that, he passed through the gates. No sooner was he entred, but hee met with thousands of miserable soules, pyneond and dragd in chaines to the Barre, where they were to receiue their triall, with bitter lamentations bewayling (al the way as they went) and with lowd execratio¯s cursing the bodyes with whom they somtimes frollickly kept company, for leading them to those impietyes, for which they must now (euen to their vtter vndoing) deerely answere: it was quarter Sessions in Hell, and though the Post-master had bin at many of their Arraignments, & knew the horror of the Executions, yet the very sight of the prisoners struck him now into an astonishable amazement.
On not withstanding hee goes, with intent to deliuer the Supplication, but so busy was the Behomoth (the prince of the Deuils) and such a presse was within the Court, and about the Barre, that by no thrusting or shouldring, could hee get accesse; the best time for him must be, to watch his rising, at the adiourning of the Sessions, and therefore he skrews himselfe by all the insynuating Arte he can, into the thickest of the crow’d, & within reach of the clarke of the Peaces voyce, to heare all their Inditements.
The Iudges are set, (beeing three in number) seuere in looke, sharp in Iustice, shrill in voyce, vnsubiect passion: the prisoners are soules, that haue co¯mitted Treason against their Creation: they are cald to the Barre, their number infinit, their crimes numberlesse: The Iury that must passe vpon them, are their sins, who are impanel’d out of the seueral countryes, and are sworne to finde whose Conscience is the witnes, who vpon the booke of their liues, where all their deeds are written, giues in dangerous euidence against them, the Furies (who stand at the elbowe of their Conscience) are there readie with stripes to make them confesse, for either they are the Beadels of Hell that whip soules in Lucifers Bridewell, or else his Executioners to put them to worse Torments: The Inditements are of seueral qualities, according to the seuerall offences; Some are arraigned for ambition in the Court; Some for corruptio¯ in the Church; Some for crueltie in the camp; Some for hollow-hartednes in the Citie; Some for eating men aliue in the Country, euery particular soule has a particular sinne, at his heeles to condemne him, so that to pleade not guiltie, were folly: to begge for mercy, madnesse: for if any should do the one, he can put himselfe vpon none but the diuel & his angels: and they (to make quicke worke) giue him his pasport. If do the other, the hands of ten Kings vnder their great Seales wil not be taken for his pardo¯. For though Conscience comes to this Court, poore in attire, diseased in his flesh, wretched in his face, heauy in his gate, and hoarse in his voice, yet carries he such stings within him, to torture himselfe, if hee speak not truth, that euery word is a Iudges sente¯ce, and when he has spoken, the accused is suffred neyther to pleade for him selfe, nor to fee any Lawier, to argue for him.
In what a lamentable condition therefore stands the vnhappie prisoner, his Inditement is Impleadable, his euidence irrefutable, the fact impardonable, the Iudge impenitrable, the Iudgment formidable: the tortures insufferable, the manner of them invtterable: he must endure a death without dying, torments ending with worse beginnings, by his shrikes others shall be affrighted, himself afflicted, by thousands pointed at, by not one amongst millions pittied, hee shall see no good that may helpe him, what he most does loue, shalbe taken from him, and what he most doth loathe, shalbe powred into his bosom. Adde herevnto the saide cogitation of that dismall place, to which he is condemned, the remembrance of which, is almost as dolorous, as the punishments there to be endured. In what colours shall I laie downe the true shape of it? Assist me Inuention.
Suppose that being gloriously attired, deliciously feasted, attended on maiestically, Musicke charming thine eare, beauty thine eye; & that in the very height of all worldly pompe that thought can aspire to, thou shouldest be tombled downe, from some high goodly pinnacle, (builded for thy pleasure) into the bottome of a Lake, whose depth is immeasurable, and circuit incomprehensible: And that being there, thou shouldest in a moment be ringed about, with all the murtherers that euer haue beene since the first foundation of the world, with all the Atheists, all the Church-robbers, all the Incestuous Rauishers, and all the polluted villaines, that euer suckt damnation from the brests of black Impietie, that the place it selfe is gloomie, hideous, and in accessible, pestilent by damps, and rotten vapors, haunted with spirits, and pitcht all ouer, with cloudes of darknesse, so clammy and palpable, that the eye of the Moone is too dull to pierce through them, and the fires of the Sun too weake to dissolue them, then that a Sulphurous stench must stil strike vp into thy nosthrils, Adders & Toades be still crawling on thy bosome, Mandrakes and night Rauens still shriking in thine eare, Snakes euer sucking at thy breath, and which way soeuer thou turnest, a fire flashing in thine eyes, yet yeelding no more light than what with a glimse may shewe others how thou art torme¯ted, or else shew vnto thee the tortures of others, and yet the flames to bee so deuouring in the burning, that should they but glow vpon mountaines, of Iron, they were able to melt them like mountains of snow. And last of all, that all these horrors are not wouen together, to last for yeeres, but for ages of worlds, yea for worlds of ages; Into what gulf of desperate calamitie, wold not the poorest begger now throw himself headlong, rather then to tast the least dram of this bitternes, If imagination can giue being to a more miserable place than this described? Such a one, or worse than such a one, is that, into which the guiltie soules are led captiue, after they haue their condemnation. And what tongue is able to relate the grones and vlulations of a wretch so distressed, a hundred pennes of steele wold be worne blunt in the description, and yet leaue it vnfinished.
Let vs therfore sithence the Infernal Sessio¯s are reiourned, & the court breaking vp, seek out his knightship who hauing waited all this while for the Diuel, hath by this time deliuered to his pawes, the Supplication for poore Pierce Pennyles, and so, Masuolio his Secretarie is reading it to him, but before he was vp to the middle of it, the worke master of Witches, snatched away the paper, and thrust it into his bosome in great choller, railing at his Letter carrier, & threatning to haue him lasht by the Furies, for his loytring so long, or Cauterizde with hotte Irons for a Fugitiue. But Mephostophiles discoursing from point, to point, what paines he had taken in the Suruey of euery Country, and how he had spent his time there, Serieant Sathan gaue him his blessing, and told him that during his absence) both Pierce Pennyles and the Poet that writ for him, haue bene landed by Charon, of whom he willed to enquire within what part of their dominion, they haue taken vp their
lodging, his purpose is, to answere euery word, by word of mouth, yet because he knowes, that at the returne of his post ship, and walking vpon the exchange of the world, (which hee charges him to hasten for the good of the Stygian kingdom that altogether stands vpon quicke traffique) they will flutter about him, crying, What newes, what newes? what squibs, or rather what peeces of ordinance doth the M. Gunner of Gehenna discharge against so sawcie a suitor, that by the Artillerie of his Secretaries penne, hath shaken the walls of his kingdome, and made so wide a breach, that any Syr Giles may looke into his, and his Officers doings: to stoppe their mouthes with some thing, stoppe them with this: That touching the enlargement of Gold, (which is the first branch of the Petition) So it is that Plutus his kinsman (being the onely setter vp of tempting Idols) was borne a Cripple, but had his eye-sight as faire as the day, for hee could see the faces and fashions of all men in the world, in a twinkling. At which time, for all he went vpon Crutches, he made shift to walke abroad with many of his friends, Marrie they were none but good men. A Poet, or a Philosopher, might then haue sooner had his company, than a Iustice of Peace: Vertue at that time, went in good cloathes, and vice fed vpon beggerie. Almes baskets, honestie and plaine dealing, had all the Trades in their owne hands, So that Vnthrifts, Cheaters, and the rest of their Faction, (though it were the greater) were borne downe, for not an Angell durst be seene to drinke in a Tauerne with them: whereupon they were all in danger to be famisht. Which enormitie, Iupiter wisely looking into, and seeing Plutus dispersing his gifts amongst none but his honest brethren, strucke him (either in anger or enuie) starke blinde, so that euer since he hath plaide the good fellow, for now euery gull may leade him vp and downe like Guy, to make sports in any drunken assembly, now hee regards not who thrusts his hands into his pockets, nor what money they take out, nor how it is spent, a foole shall haue his heart now, assoone as a Phisition: And an Asse that cannot spell, goe laden away with double Duckets from his Indian Store-house, when Ibis Homere, that hath laine sick seuenteen yeers together of the Vniuer-sitie plague, (watching and want) onely in hope at the last to finde some cure, shall not for an hundred waight of good Lattine, receiue a two-penny waight in Siluer, his ignorance (arising from his blindnesse) is the only cause of this Comedie of errors: so that vntil some Quack-saluer or other (either by the helpe of Tower hill water, or any other, either Phisical or Chirurgicall meanes) can pick out that pin and a web, which is stuck into both his eyes (and that will very hardly be) It is irreuocably set downe, in the Adamantine booke of Fate, that gold shall be a perpetuall slaue to slaues, a drudge to fooles, a foole to make Woodcocks merry, whilst wisemen mourne: or if at any time he chance to breake prison, and flie for refuge into the chamber of a Courtier, to a meere hawking countrie Gentleman, to an Aldermans heire, to a yong student at the lawe, or to any tradesmans eldest sonne, that rides forth to cast vp his fathers reckonings in fortified Tauerns, Such mighty search shall be made for him, such Hue and Cry after him, and such misrule kept, vntil he be smeltout, that poore golde must bee glad to get out of their companie, Castles cannot protect him, but he must be apprehended, and suffer for it. Now as touching the seauen leaued tree, of the deadly sinnes, (which Peirce-Pennilesse would haue hewen downe,) his request is vnreasonable, for that growes so rancke in euery mans garden, and the flowers of it worne so much in euery womans bosome, that till the last general Autumnian quarter of the dreadful yeare, whe¯ whole kingdoms (like seare and saplesse leaues) must be shaken in peeces by the consuming breath of fire, and all the fruits of the earth be raked together, by the spirit of Stormes, and burnt in one heape like stubble, till then, it is impossible to cleere the oaken forehead of it, or to loppe off any of the branches. And let this satisfie itching Newes-hunters, for so much of mine answere to the poore fellows Supplication, as I meane to haue publisht to the world: what more I haue to vtter, shall be in his eare, because he was more busie in his prating then a Barber, with thee my seruant, about my houshold affaires, & therfore it is to be doubted he lurkes within our Cimerian Prouinces, but as an Intelligencer, which if it be proued, he shal buy it with his soule; dispatch therefore (my faithfull Incarnate Diuel) proclaime these things to the next Region aboue vs.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 208