How many lips haue beene worne out with kissing at she street doore, or in yt entry (in a winking blind euening?) how many odde matches and vneuen mariages haue been made there betwéene young Prentises and there maisters daughters, whilest thou (O Candle-light) hast stood watching at the staires h•ade, that none could come stealing downe by thee, but they must bee seene?
It appeares by these articles put in agaynst thee, that thou art partly a Bawd to diuerse loose sinnes, and partly a Coozener: for if any in the Cittie haue badde wares lying deade vppon their handes, thou art better than Aqua vitae to fetch life into them, and to sende them packing. Thou shalt therefore bee taken out of thy proude Chariot, and bee carted: yet first will wee see what workmanship, and what stoffe it is made of, to the intent that if it bee not daungerous for a Cittie to keepe anie Relique belonging to such a crooked Saint, It may bee hung vp as a monument to shewe with what dishonour thou wert driuen out of so noble a lodging, to deface whose buildings thou hast béene so enuious, that when thou hast beene left alone by any thing that woulde take fire, thou hast burnt to the ground many of her goodlyest houses.
Candle lights Ceath is made all of Hor•e, shauen as thin as Changel••yes ate. It is drawne (with ease) by two Rats: the Coachman is a Chaundler who so s•ears wi•h yea•king them, that he drops tallowe, and t•at f•eors them as prouend•r: yet a•e the lashes that hee giues the squeaking Vermine more deadly to them then al the Ratsbane in Buckle•sb•rie. Painefulnesse and Studdy are his two Lac•ey•s and run by him: Darknesse, Conspiracy, Opportunitie, Stratagems and Feare, are his attend•nts: hee’s sued vnto by Diggars in Mines, Grauers, Schollers, Mariners, Nurses, Drunkards, Vnthriftes and shrote Husbands: hee destroyes that which feedes him, & therefore Ingratitude comes behinde all this, driuing them before her. The next Diuel that is to be commaunded vp, is a very lazie one, and will be long in rising: let vs therefore vnbinde this, and fall to other Charmes.
4. SLOTH: OR THE FOURTH DAYES TRYUMPH.
MAN (doubtlesse) was not created to bee an idle fellow, for then he should bee Gods Vagabond: he was made for other purpose then to be euer eating as swine: euer sleeping as Dormise: euer dumb as fishes in the Sea, or euer prating to no purpose, as Birdes of the ayre: he was not set in this Vniuersall Orchard to stand still as a Tree and so to bee cut downe, but to be cut downe if he should stand still. And to haue him remember this, he carries certaine Watches with Larums about him, that are euer striking: for all the Enginous Wheeles of the Soule are continually going: though the body lye neuer so fast bownde in Slumbers, the imagination runnes too and fro, the phantasie flyes round about, the vitall Spirits walke vp and downe, yea the very pulses shew actiuitie, and their hammers are still beating, so that euen in his very dreames it is whispered in his eare that hee must bee dooing something.
If hee had not these prompters at his elbowe, yet euerie member of his body (if it could speake would chide him) if they were put to no vse, co¯sidering what noble workmanship is bestowed vpon them. For man no sooner gets vpon his legges, but they are made so that either hee may run or goe: when he is weary, they can giue him •ase by sta¯ding still, if he will not stand, the Knees le•ue like Hindges to bow vp and downe, and to let him kneele His armes haue artificiall cordes and stringes, which shorten or flye •ut to their length at pleasure: They winde about the bodye like a siluer Girdle, and being held out before, are weapo¯s to defend it: at the end of the armes, are two beautiful Mathematicall Instruments, with fiue seuerall motions in each of them, and thirtie other mouing Engines, by which they stirre both. His head likewise standes vppon three Skrewes, the one is directly forward to teach him Prouidence, the other two are on eather side one, to arme him with Circumspection: How busie are both the eyes, to keepe d•nger from him euerie way.
But admit hée had none of these Wonderfull Volumes to reade ouer, yet hee sees the clowdes alwaies working: the waters euer labouring: the earth continuallye bringing foorth: he sees the Sunne haue a hye co•our with taking paines for the day. The Moone pale and sickly, with sitting vp for the night: the Stars mustring their armyes together to guard the Moone. •ll of them, and all that is in the world, seruing as Schoolemaisters, & the world it selfe as an Academ to bring vp man in knowledge, and to put him still into action.
How then dares this nastie, and loathsome sin of Sloth venture into a Ci•ie amongst so many people? who doth he hope wil giue him entertainme¯t? what lodging (thinks he) can be tame vp, where he & his •eauy-headed co¯pany may take their afternoones nay soundly? for in euery stréet, carts and Coaches make such a thundring as if the world ranne vpon wheeles: at euerie corner, men, women, and children meete in such shoales, that postes are sette vp of purpose to strengthen the houses, least with iustling one another they should shoulder them downe. Besides, hammers are beating in one place, Tube hooping in another, Pots clincking in a third, water-tankards running at tilt in a fourth: heere are Porters sweating vnder burdens, there Marchants-men bearing bags of money, Chapmen (as if they were at Leape-frog) skippe out of one shop into another: Tradesmen (as if they were dau¯cing Galliards (are iusly) at Legges and neuer stand still: all are as busie as countrie Atturneyes at an Assises: how then can Idlenes thinke to inhabit heere?
Yet the Worshipfull Sir, (that leades a Gentlemans life, and dooth nothing) though he comes but slowly on (as if hee trodde a French March) yet hee comes and with a great trayne at his tayle, as if the countrie had brought vp some Fellon to one of our Gayles, So is hee connaide by nine or tenne drowsie Malt-men, that lye nodding ouer their Sackes, and euen a moste sléepie and still Triumph begins his entrance at Bishopsgate.
An armie of substantiall Housholders (moste of them liuing by the hardnesse of the hand) came in Battaile array, with spred Banners, bearing the Armes of their seuerall occupations to meete this Cowardly Generall and to beate him backe. But hee sommoning a parlee, hammered out such a strong Oration in praise of Ease that they all strucke vp their Drums, flung vp their Round-Cappes, (and as if it had beene another William the Conqueror came marching in with him) and lodged him in the quietest streete in the Cittie, for so his Lazinesse requested.
Hee then presently gaue licenses to all the Uintners, to keepe open house, and to emptye their Hogsheades to all commers, who did so, dying their grates into a drunkards blush (to make them knowne from the Grates of a prison) least customers should re•le away from them, and hanging out new bushes, that if men at their going out, could not sée the signe, yet they might not loose themselues in the bush. He likewise gaue order that dicing-houses, and bowling alleyes should be erected, wherupon a number of poore handy crafts-men, that before wrought night and day, made stocks to the¯selues of ten groates, & crowns a peece, and what by Betting, Lurches, Rubbers and such tricks, they neuer tooke care for a good daies worke afterwards. For as Letchery is patron of al your Suburb Colledges, and sets vp Vaulting-houses, and Daunsing-Schooles: and as Drunkennesse when it least can stand, does best hold vp Alehouses, So Sloth is a founder of the Almeshouses first mentioned, & is a good Benefactor to these last.
The Players prayed for his comming, they lost nothing by it, the comming in of tenne Embassadors was neuer so sweete to them, as this our sinne was: their houses smoakt euerye after noone with Stinkards, who were so glewed together in crowdes with the Steames of strong breath, that when they came foorth, their faces lookt as if they had beene perboylde: And this Comicall Tearme-time they hoped for, at the least all the summer, because tis giuen out that Sloth himselfe will come, and sit in the two-pennie galleries amongst the Gentlemen, and see their Knaueries and their pastimes.
But alas! if these were the sorest diseases (Thou noblest City of the now-noblest Nation) that Idlenes does infect thee with: thou hast Phisick sufficient in thy selfe, to purge thy bodie of them. No, no, hee is not slothfull, that is onelye lazie, that onelye wastes his good houres, and his Siluer in Luxury, & licentious ease, or that onely (like a standing water) does nothing, but gather corruption: no, hee is the true Slothfu
ll man that does no good. And how many would crie Guilty vnto thee, if this were there Inditement? Thy Maiestrate• (that when they see thee most in danger) put vp the swordes that Iustice hath guided, to their loynes, & flie into the conntrie, leauing thee destitute of their Counsell, they would crie guilty, they are slothfull.
Thy Phisitions, that feari•g to die by that which they liue, (sicknes) doe most vnkindely leaue thee when y••rt ready to lye vpon thy death bed, They are slothful, They would crie Guilty. Thy great men, and such as haue been thy Rulers that being taken out of poore Cradles, & nursed vp by thee, haue fild their Cofers with golde, and their names wt honour, yet afterwards growing weary of thee, (like Mules hauing suckt their dammes) most ingratefully haue they stolne from thee, spending those blessings which were thine, vpon those that no way deserue them, Are not These Slothfull? They would crie guiltye. There is yet one more, whome I would not heare to Cry Guilty, because (of al• others) I would not haue them slothfull. O you that speake the language of Angels, and should indeed be Angels amo¯gst vs, you that haue offices aboue those of Kinges, that haue warra¯t to co¯maund Princes, & controle them, if they doe amisse: you that are Stewards ouer the Kings house of heauen, and lye heere as Embassadors about the greatest State-matters in the world: what a dishonour were it to your places, if it should bee knowne that you are Sloathfull? you are sworne labourers, to worke in a Uineyard, which if you dresse not carefully, if you cut it not artificially, if you vnderprop it not wisely whe¯ you see it laden, if you gather not the fruites in it, when they bee ripe, but suffer them to drop downe, and bee eaten vp by Swine. O what a deere account are you to make him that must giue you your hire? you are the Beames of the Sun that must ripen the Grapes of the Uine, & if you shine not cleerely, he will eclipse you for euer: your tongues are the instruments y• must cut off rancke & idle Sprigs, to make the bearing-braunches to spred, and vnlesse you keep them sharpe and be euer pruning with them, he will cast you by, and you shall be eaten vp with rust. The Church is a garden and you must weede it: it is a Fountaine, & you must keepe it cleere: it is her Husbands Iewell, and you must pollish it: it is his best belooued, and you must keepe her chast.
Many Merchants hath this Cittie to her Sonnes, of al which you are the most noble, you trafficke onely for mens Soules, sending them to the Land of Promise, and to the heauenly Ierusalem, and receiuing from thence (in Exchange) the ritchest Commoditie in the world, your owne saluation. O therefore bee not you Slothfull: for if being chosen Pilots, you Sleepe, and so sticke vpon Reckes, you hazard your owne shipwracke more then theirs that venture with you.
What a number of Colours are here grounded, to paint out Sloth in his vglines, and to make him loathed, whilst he (yawning, and his Chin knocking nods into his brest) regardes not the whips of the moste crabbish Satyristes. Let vs therfore looke vpon his Horse-litter that hee rides in, and so leaue him.
A couple of vnshodde Asses carry it betweene them, it is all fluttishly euergrowne with Mosse on the out-side, and on the inside quilted through out with downe pillowes: Sleepe and Plenty leade the Fore-Asse; a pursie double chind Laena, riding by on a Sump•er-horse with proua¯der at his mouth, & she is the Litter-Driuer: shee keepes two Pages, & those are an Irish Beggar on the one side, & One that sayes he has been a Soldier on the other side. His attendants are Sicknes, Want, Ignora¯ce, Infamy, Bo¯dage, Palenes, Blockishnes and Carelesnes. The Retayners that wear his cloth are Anglers, Dumb Ministers Players, Exchange-Wenches, Gamsters, Panders, Whores and Fidlers.
APISHNESSE: OR THE FIFT DAYES TRIUMPH.
SLOTH was not so slow in his march, when hee entred the Citie, but Apishnesse (that was to take his turne next) was as quick. Do you not know him? It cannot be read in any Chronicle, that he was euer with Henrie the eight at Bulloigne or at ye winning of Turwin & Turnay: for (not to belle the sweete Gentleman,) he was neither in the shell then, no nor then when Paules-steeple and the Weathercocke were on fire; by which markes (without looking in his mouth) you may safely sweare, that hees but yong, for hees a feirse, dapper fellow, more light headed then a Musitian: as phantastically attyred as a Court Ieaster: wanton in discourse: lasciuious in behauiour: iocond in good companie: nice in his trencher, and yet he feedes verie hungerly on scraps of songs: be drinkes in a Glasse well, but vilely in a deepe French-bowle: yet much about the year• when Monsieur came in, was hee begotten, betweene a French Tayler, and an English Court-Seamster. This Signior Ioculento (as the diuell would haue it) comes prawncing in at Cripplegate, and he may well doe it, for indeede all the parts hee playes are but cou’d speeches stolne from others, whose voices and actions hee counterfestes: but so lamely, that all the Cripples in tenne Spittle-houses, sh•we not more halting. The Grauer Browes were bent against him, and by the awfull Charmes of Reuerend Authoritie, would haue sent him downe from whence he came, for they knew howe smooth soeuer his lookes were, there was a diuell in his bosome: But hee hauing the stronger faction on his side, set them in a Mutenie, Saeu•que animis ignobile vulgus, the manie headed Monster fought as it had beene against Saint George, won the gate, and then with showtes was the Gaueston of the Time, brought in. But who brought him in? None but •ichmens sonnes that were left wel•, and had more money giuen by will, then they had wit how to bestow it: none but Prentises almost out of their yéers, and all the Tailors, Haberdashers, and Embroderers that could be got for loue or money, for these were prest secretly to the seruice, by the yong and wanton dames of the Citie, because they would not be seene to shewe their loue to him themselues.
Man is Gods Ape, and an Ape is Zani to a man, doing ouer those trickes (especially if they be knauish) which hee sees done before him: so that Apishnesse is nothing but counterfetting or imitation: and this flower when it first came into the Citie, had a prettie scent, and a delightfull colour, hath bene let to run so high, that it is now feeded, and where it fals there rises vp a stinking weede.
For as man is Gods Ape, striuing to make artificiall flowers, birdes, &c. like to the naturall: So for the same reason are women, Mens Shee Apes, for they will not bee behind them the bredth of a Taylors yard (which is nothing to speake of) in anie new-fangled vpstart fashion. If men get vp French standing collers, women will haue the French standing coller too •• Dublets with little thick skirts, (so sh•rt that none are able to sit vpon them.) womens foreparts are thicke skirted too: by sur•etting vpon which kinde of phantasticall Apishnesse in a short time, they fall into the disease of pride: Pride is infectious, and breedes prodigalitie: Prodigalitie after it has runne a little, closes vp and •ester•, and then turnes to Beggerie. Wittie was that Painter therefore, that when hee had limned one of euery Nation in th••r proper attyres, and beeing at his wittes endes howe to drawe an Englishman: At the last (to giue him a quipp• for his follie in apparell) drewe him starke naked, with Sheeres in his hand, and cloth on his arme, because mans could cut out his fashions but himselfe.
For an English-mans suite is •ke a traitors bodie that hath beene hanged, drawne, and quart, red, and is set vp in se•erall places: his Co•peece is in Denmarke, the collor of his Duble a•d the belly in France: the wing and narrow sleeue in •taly: the short tras•• hangs ouer a Dutch Botchers stall in Vtrich: his huge stoppes speakes Spanish: Polonia giues him the Bootes: the blocke for his heade alters faster then the Feltmaker can fit•e him, and thereupon we are called in scorne Blockheades. And thus we that mocke euerie. Nation, for keeping one fashion, yet steale patches from euerie one of them, to peece out our pride, are now laughing-stocks to them, because their cut so scuruily becomes vs:
This sinne of Apishnesse whether it bee in apparell or in diet, is not of such long life as his fellowes, and for seeing none but women and fooles keepe him companie, the one wil be ashamed of him when they begin to haue wrinckles, the other when they feele their purses light. The Magistrate, the wealthy commoner and the auncient Cittizen, disdaine to come neare him: wee were best therefore, take note of such things as are aboute him, least on a suddaine hee slip ou
t of sight.
Apishnesse ri•es in a Chariot made of nothing but cages, in which are all the strangest out-landish Birds that can be gotten: the Cages are slucke full of Parats feathers: the Coach-man is an Italian Mownti-banck who driues a •awne and a Lambe, for they drawe this Gew-g•w in Winter, when such beasts are r•rest to be had: In Sommer, it goes alone by the motion of wheeles: two Pages in light coloured suites, embrodered full of Butterflies, with wings ••at slutter vp with the winde, run by him, the one being a dauncing boy the other a T•••bler: His attend•nts are Folly Laughter, Inconstancie, Riot, Nicenesse, and Vainglorie: when his Court remoues hee is folowed by Tobacconists, Shittlecock-makers, Feather-makers, Cob-web-lawne-weauers, Perfumers, young Countrie Gentlemen, and Fooles. In whose Ship whilest they all are sayling, let vs obserue what other abuses the Verdimotes Inquest doe present on the lande, albeit they bee neuer reformed, till a second Chaos is to bee refined. In the meane time, In nouafert Animus.
SHAUING: OR THE SIXT DAYES TRIUMPH.
HOW? Shauing! Me thinkes Barbers should crie to their Customers winck hard and come running out of their shoppes into the open streetes, throwing all their Suddes out of their learned Latin Basons into my face for presuming to name the Mysterie of Shauing in so vil•anous a companie as these seuen are. Is that Trade (say they) that for so many yeares hath beene held vp by so many heades, and has out-hearded the stowtest in England to their faces, Is that Trade, that because it is euermore Trimming the Citie, hath beene for many yéers past made vp into a Societie, and •a•e their Guild, and their Priuiledges with as much freedome as the best, must that nowe bee counted a sinne ( and one of the Deadly sinnes) of the Cittie? No, no• be not angry with me, (O you that bandie away none but sweete washing Balles, and cast none other then Rose-waters for any mans pleasure) for there is Shauing within the walles of this Great Metropolis, which you neuer •reamed of: A shauing that takes not only away the rebellious h•ltes, but brings the flesh with it too: and if that cannot suffice, the very bones must follow. If therfore you, and Fiue companies greater then yours, should chuse a Colonel to lead you against this mightie Tamburlaine, you are too weake to make him Retire, and if you should come to a battell, you would loose the day.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 213