Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  It was in the middle of a Terme, when the fire of these ciuill broiles first began to kindle: but Law hauing with many hard words on both sides taken vp a number of brabling matters, and for her healths sake beeing rid into the country, whereby a great crew of her followers, that were not able with bag and baggage to march after her in that progresse) were ready to giue vp their cloakes, (the summer was so hot for them) and because all their practise was but to set people together by the eares, a number of them therfore vpon their bare knées, begd that they might serue Pouertie in her warres, whereupon certaine broken-héeld, gowtie-legd, durty-hamd pettifoggers, with some lack-latine prowling pennurious country Attorneys, were promoted to be Clarkes of Bands, Pandors, Pimpes, and Applesquires came thicke and thréefold, and had the leading of ye Pioners, because they had déepest skill in digging of Trenches.

  The victualers to the Camp, were a company of doublechind polt-footed, stincking-breathd Bauds, who with pewter bottles of Aqua vitae at their girdles, rings with deaths heads on their fore fingers, and old stitchd hats, out of fashion on their heads, came along with the bag & baggage, and were ready if any poore soldier fainted, to put life into him againe by a sip from their bottles, and to lift vp his spirits.

  The whole Army being thus leuyed, Pouerty was found to be one hundred thousand strong in the field, whom martialling in the best order of warre, they marched forward wt full resolution, either to take Money and her subiects prisoners, or else neuer to come out of the field, so long as they & Pouertie (their mistresse and powrefull commander) could be able to hold life and soule together.

  THE PREPARATION, STRENGTH, AND STRATAGEMS OF THE SECOND ARMIE.

  NO treason was euer so secretly contriued, so cunningly carried, nor so resolutely attempted: but either in the very growing vp it hath beene discouered, or the head of it cut off, where it was at point to come to the full ripenesse. The workes of Princes are great, and require many hands to finish them, and a number of engines cannot be set, going so closely, that no eare shall heare them: Ioue may talke in his big voice of thunder as soone and not be vnderstoode, as a kingdome may call vp her owne subiects with the yron tongue of warre, and not awaken those people that are her neighbours. The eies of a true State do neuer sléepe, Princes are quickest of hearing, the blowes that forraine enemies giue, are broken for the most part: because the weapon is alwaies séene and put by, otherwise they would cut déepe, and draw blood, where (by such preuention) they scarce giue bruises.

  This mercilesse tyrant therefore (Pouerty) could not kindle such fires of vprores, and ciuill mischiefes, but that the flames (like burning beacons) armed her enemies with safetie, euen as they put them into feare. Her ragged troopes were more apt to betray themselues and their procéedings, then polliticke to betray the foe into any danger. With swift wings therefore did the newes of this inuasion fly abroad into all countries, and at last alighted before that glorious and most adored Empresse (Money) whom néerest it concerned, because all the arrowes of their enuie and intended malice were shot at her bosome.

  The drom of warre beate in her eare, not in the dead of night, when her glories and beauties were darkened and eclipsed, but when she was seated in the throne of all her pleasures (which a whole world was rifled and trauailed ouer to maintaine in height and fulnesse) when her pallate surfeited on the variety of dishes and delicacy of féeding, when her body shone brighter then the sunne it selfe, who (in his lusty heate begot her) strucke an amazement into those that beh•ld her, by the splendor of those maiesticall roabes which she wore: when musicke went into her eare in ten thousand seuerall shapes, when her walkes were perfumed, her sports varied euery hower, when her chéekes were dimpled with laughters at her iesters her Parasites, her Pandors, and all the rest of those seruile soothing Apes, that in pide colours waite vpon and shew trickes to sate the appetite of that Lord of flesh and bloud, the blacke Prince of the world, her husband. Then, euen then, in the full sea of all these iollities, pompes, and whorish ceremonies, the onely bewitchers of mankinde, came sayling in, the newes of a suddaine insurrection, and an vnexpected inuasion, by that common, fatall, and barbarous spoiler of so many kingdoms, infamous amongst al nations by that beggerly name of Pouerty.

  These newes (vpon the first arriuall) did no more moue the great Indian Empresse (Money) then the bleating of a shéepe terrifies the king of forrests (the Lyon.) Money was rich, strong in friends, held league with Princes, had whole countries at her becke, nations were her slaues, no people but did loue her. On the contrary side, Pouerty (her enemy) had small reuenues, fewer friends, a world of followers, but none of any reckoning, except a few Philosophers, Alchemists, &c. She held many townes, and was obeyed in most kingdomes, but how? as théeues are obeyed by true men, for feare, and because they cannot otherwise choose, her owne strength therefore being so good, and her enemies fuller of spite then of power, she onely laughed at the thunder of her threates, and resolued that her pleasure should spread larger sailes.

  But her councell being prouident, carefull, and iealous of their owne estates, wisely considering the dangers that a weake enemy (being desperate, and hauing little to loose) may put the best fortefied kingdome to, & the most valiant nation did in the end, with one consent fall on their knées, most humbly intreating thier Soueraigne Mistresse to giue ouer her reuellings, maskes, and other Court-pleasures for a time, and that aswell for the safety of her owne royall person (to take héede of them: for many plots were now, and had oftentimes bin laid) as also for themselues, whose liues and liberties wholly depended on her, either to leuy present forces, which should méete this beggerly Monarch in the field, and so vtterly to driue her out of the kingdome, or else to giue the rich men of her Empire leaue to make strict and seuere lawes to take away the liues of that wretched & scattered people that follow Pouerty in these commotions, wheresoeuer or whensoeuer they take them medling in any of her wealthy dominions.

  These words brake forth with such lighning, that Money stampd for very anger, that so base an enemy should put her subiects into feare. Their vigilance awaked her, and like a good Prince that would loose her life rather then her subiects should perish, she began (with the Eagle) to shake her royall wings, and to be rouz’d out of her late golden slumbers, & securities, that lay vpon her like enchantments.

  To their requests she yéelded, and thereupon to fortifie her kingdome against all the shot of Villany & Vengeance, shee summoned those of her councell together, whom shee know to be most faithfull and most seruiceable in a busines of this nature, state & importance. Her councellors names were these.

  COUNCELLORS TO MONEY.

  Couetousnesse.

  Parsimony.

  Deceipt.

  Prouidence.

  Monopoly.

  Violence.

  Vsury.

  Couetousnesse was an old wretched leane fac’d fellow, that seldome sléep’d: for his eyes (though they were great, and suncke at least two inches into his head) neuer stood still, but rolled vp and downe, expressing a very enuious longing gréedinesse to enioy euery thing that they looked vpon. He neuer pared his nailes, and being often asked the reason why, he alwaies answered, that he saued them for his heire, for béeing cut off, after hée himselfe was dead, they might be put to sundry good thrifty purposes, as to make hornes (being thinly scraped) for a Scriueners lanthorne to write by a nights, or to nocke arrowes, &c. Hée kept not so much as a Barber, but shaued his owne head and beard himselfe, and when it came to wey a pound, hée sold it to a Frenchman to stuffe tennis balles. Money (his Soueraigne) cared not so much for him, as he did for her, she could make him do any vile office how base soeuer; but because he was saucy, and would often checke her for taking her pleasures, séeking to restraine her of her liberties, she hated him, and was neuer more merry then when one brought her newes once that Couetousnesse lay a dying. Yet was he well beloued af the best Citizens, and neuer rode through the city but he was staid, and feasted by many Aldermen, and wealthy Commoners, few Courtiers loued him heartily, b
ut onely made vse of him, because he was great, and could do much with Money (their empresse.)

  Prouidence was but of meane birth, the ladder by which he climbd to such high fortunes, as to be a councellor to Money, being made by himselfe, much giuen to study, yet no great scholler, as desiring rather to be frée of the City, then to serue a long thréed-bare Prentiship in the Uniuersities. He is rarely séene in Minerals, and distillations, and will draw Aurum potabile, or fetch quick-siluer out of horsedung, he will grow rich, and be in time the head warden of a company, though he were left by his friends but thrée shillings thrée pence stocke to set vp, such another he was as Whittington, a very cat shall raise him if he be set vpon•, He is the best that writes Almanackes in these times, and where the rest write whole Calenders of lies for bar• forty shillings a yéere, (seruingmens wages) he foreséeing what will happen, buies vp all the commodities of one or two Countries at one bargaine, when he knowes they will bee déere, and so makes vp his owne mouth, and for it, gets much fauour at the hands of Couetousnesse his elder brother.

  Parsimonie is kinsman to those two that go before, he is not vp yet: for he vseth to lie a bed till afternoone, onely to saue dinners, when he rises (which will be presently) the motion shall be shewen and interpreted to you.

  Monopoly is a very good man where he takes, that is to say, 9. maner of waies.

  Deceipt lookes a little a squint, yet is of déeper reach then any of the rest: for he doth oftentimes fetch ouer Couetousnesse himselfe. He is great in Lawyers bookes, and tradesmen not onely loue him, but their yongest wiues, thinke themselues highly happy, if at a running at Tilt, at a maske or a play at Court, or so (as he ofte¯ doth) he will but voutchsafe to place them (and the sports done) he commonly sends them home lighted. He hath more followers then the 12. Péeres of France, he studies Machiauell, and hath a french face.

  Violence hath borne many great offices, and Money hath done much for him. He purchaseth lands daily: but looseth: mens hearts, some of the richer sort follow him & loue him: yet he cannot go thorough the stréetes, but the common people curse him, hee reades Law as men reade Hebrew (backward) and neuer makes one Lawe, but he breaks two. Of all men, he cannot abide a Iustice of Peace, yet oftentimes is hee séene at the Sessions: many of his Ancestors haue béene Traytors, and by that meanes were still cut off before they were old men, the Nobilitie hate him, he is a méere martiall man.

  Vsurie was the first that euer taught Money to commit incest with Gold and Siluer, her néerest kinsmen Brokers are now their Baudes, and kéepe the dores till the letchery of ten in the hundred be sated: he hath made many a man, but how? to be damned, he is a great housekéeper, for thousands in the Cittie liue vpon him and would hang themselues but for his sauing them. There is no more conscience in him then in Tauerne faggots, yet yong gentlemen pray for him daily that he may be fetched quick to hell. He is an insatiable féeder: for a Scriuener and he will eate vp foure men at a breakefast, and picke them to the bare bones. He loues not a Preacher, because hee frights him out of his wits: for he neuer heares any of them talke to him but he thinkes himselfe damned. He hath no skill in Arithmeticke, but onely in the rule of Interest. He is the Diuels Tole-taker, and when he dies, lies buried with his ancestors in the widest vault of hell.

  These were the councellors whom Money assembled together, to consult vpon hers and their owne safeties, from the base assaults of their wild and desperate enemy: who being solemnely set in their due places and the Quéene of Riches her selfe beeing aduanced vp into her imperial chaire, Parsimonie (who by this time was gotten vp and ready) tooke vpon him to be speaker for all the rest.

  This Parsimonie is a nasty batcheller of fourescore, one that neuer went trussed (to preuent hanging) to which end he will not be at charges of a paire of garters (though they were but woollen lists) for feare of temptation, his breches once were veluet, when his great grandfather wore them, and thrée-piled, but the pox of any pile can be seene there now, vnlesse betwéene the clifts of his buttocks, to saue a pennie, hee will damne halfe his soule, hee weares cloathes long, and will sooner alter his religion ten times, then his doublet once, his hatte is like his head, of the old blocke, he buies no gloues but of a groat a paire, and hauing worne them two daies hee quarrels with the poore Glouer that they are too wide, or too ill stitched, & by base scolding and lorldly words gets his money againe, and the wearing of so much leather for nothing. He will be knowne by a paire of white pumpes some 16. or 20. yeares, onely by repairing their decaied complection wt a péece of chalke. This whining Parsimonie (that for a supper of 16. pence will budge & slip his necke out of the coller from his owne father) and that vowes neuer to marry, because he will not spend so much as may kéepe a childe, stood vp so well as he could stand with his crinckling hammes, and knowing that it was high time for him to be stirre his •tumps, thus shot his bolt after much stammering, coughing and hemming, silence béeing first cryed, which accordingly was giuen him.

  THE ORATION WHICH PARSIMONIE MADE BEFORE HIS EMPRESSE.

  O Sacred Money!Queene of Kingdomes, Mistres ouer the mines of Gold and Siluer, Regent of the whole world: Goddesse of Courtiers, Patronesse of Schollers, Protectresse of Souldiers, Fortresse of Cittizens, & the onely comfort to Saylors. Me seemeth good and fit, (brightest-facde Lady) sithence that bold and saucie begger, with her pennurious sunneburnt troopes, armed onely with short troncheons vnder their arme-pits, and most commonly walking in thred-bare Plimoth cloakes, haue made their impudent and contagious insurrection, that you (at whose feete lie Crownes to tread vpon) being Queene Mother of the west and east Indies, do presently giue ouer your needlesse expences and open houshkeeping in the Country, where your swarming enemies lye in ambushes to attach you vpon the least issuing forth, and betake your selfe to the close safetie of the Cittie, where your seame-rent and white bitten foes dare not (within gun-shot approch, to be further sure of which, and least any spies should be sent to looke into the strength and wealth of that your principall and most secure fortresse, we haue ordeined that through euery ward (for your happie safetie, and their vtter terrifying) there be erected one sound, sufficient, and well painted whipping poste, the very sight of which wil not only scarre them, worse then the scowting face of a Serieant being seen peeping through a red lettice, frights a yong gallant, but also in time driue the whole band of Tatterdemalions from poste to piller. Dixi.

  No sooner was Dixi sounded, but the maine points of this Parsimonions oration, came backe againe like an eccho from all the rest of the voices there present. All their breath blew one way, all their councels were directed and went only by this compasse. Money weighing (in the vpright scales of her iudgement) their wise and thirsty opinions, found them not halfe a graine too light, and therefore very royally y•elded to whatsoeuer they consulted vpon, whereupon sodaine order was giuen, and all speedy preparation made for the entertainment and receiuing of Money into the Citie, whose presence all the Cittizens day and night thirsted to behold.

  To set downe all the deuices, the intended merriments, the sh•wes, the ceremonies, the diligence of workemen for standings and scaffoldings, the inexplicable ioy of Poets, who did nothing but pen encomious Gratulatorie to bid her welcome, drinking healths in rich malago to the honour of her, and their mistresses, (the nine Muses) and on the other side, to point to the life, the seuerall glad faces, gestures and action of the players, who had pined for her absence a long and tedious vacation: or to t what dressing vp of howses there were, by all the neate dames and Ladies within the fréedome, what starching of ruffes, what poaking, wha• stiffning of falles, what painting of chéekes & lips, as if they had béene y• two leaued gates of a new chose¯ Alderman, are able (if they were set down at large) to adde a third volume to our English Chronicles. Time at length turned vp his Glasse, and the Holliday (so gapingly looked for (was come.

  Diuisum imperium cum Ioue,Nummus habet, had Ioue béen hidden to dinner to the Guyld hall on Simon and Iudes day, he could not haue had more welcomes giuen him then Money ha
d. Oh! with what iocund hearts did the Cittizens receiue her? The Mercers swore by their maydenhead, that all their polliticke pent-houses should bee clothed in cloth of siluer, & so they were. The silkemen guarded their very posts with gold lace, and thereupon euer since, the fashion of larding suites with so much lace is come vp: But aboue all, the Company of the Goldsmiths receiued her with the greatest honour, and she againe to pay their loues home, did as much or more honour them: for they spread all their stalles with gréene cotten, and so adorned their shoppes, that they looked like a spring garden, in which grew flowers of gold, set in such order, & comely equipage, it would haue rauished any poore mans eie to behold them. Here (in the very midst of the rowe) she allighted from her Chariot, staid a prety space, & enriched both the shopkéepers and their wiues with her presence, cheapning of 2. or 3. of them some of their fairest iewels, the beautie of their faces béeing of farre richer value then the costliest iewels there, and more worth (beeing rightly estimated) then the best stone in the whole rowe, and by this her staying at their stalles, heaped on their heads this grace besides. All her chosen Courtiers came hereby acquainted with their delicate wiues, and euer after their husbands had of them perpetuall custome. At last mounting againe into her Chariot she rode on: being as richly attended as her selfe was glorious, Desert and Learning ran by her side as her footeme¯, Bounty guided the horses that drew her,Lust, Epicurisme, Pride, and Follie, were 4. Querries of the Stable, and had much adoe to leade a goodly-coloured fatte beast called Sensualitie, that (for more state) went emptie by, Money neuer riding on the backe of that spotted Panther, but onely for speede and to ride away.