Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  The casements of thine eyes being then at this commendable time of the day, newly set open, choose rather to haue thy wind-pipe cut in péeces then to salute any man. Bid not good morrow so much as to thy father, tho he be an Emperour. An idle ceremony it is, and can doe him little good; to thy selfe it may bring much harme: for if he be a wise man that knowes how to hold his peace, of necessity must he be counted a foole that cannot kéepe his tongue?

  Amongst all the wild men, that runne vp and downe in this wide forrest of fooles (the world) none are more superstitious then those notable Ebritians, the Iewes: yet a Iewe neuer weares his cap thréed-hare with putting it off: neuer bends it’h hammes with casting away a leg: neuer cries God saue you, tho he sées the Diuell at your elbow. Play the Iewes therefore in this, and saue thy lips that labour, onely remember that so soone as thy eye lids be vnglewd thy first exercise must be (either sitting vpright on thy pillow, or rarely loling at thy bodies whole le••th, to yawne, to stretch and to gape wider then any oysterwise: for thereby thou doest not onely send out the liuely spirits (like Vaunt-currers) to fortifie and make good the vttermost borders of the body; but also (as a cunning painter) thy goodly lineame•ts are drawne out in their fairest proportion.

  This lesson being playd: turne ouer a new leafe, and (vnlesse that Fréezela•d Curre cold winter, offer to bite thée) walke a while, vp and downe thy chamber, either in thy thin shirt onely, or else (which at a bare word is both more decent aad more delectable) strip thy selfe starke naked. Are we not borne so? and shall a foolish custome make vs to breake the lawes of our Creation? our first parents so long as they went naked, were suffered to dwell in paradice, but after they got coates to their backes, they were turnd out a doores: Put on therefore either no apparel at all, or put it on carelesly: for looke how much more delicate libertie is then bondage, so much is the loosenesse in wearing of our attire, aboue the imprisonment of being neatly and Tailorlike drest vp in it: To be ready in our clothes, is to be ready for nothing else. A man lookes as if hee hung in chaines; or like a scar-crow: and as those excellent birds (whom Pliny could neuer haue the wit to catch in all his sprindges commonly called woodcocks (whereof there is great store in England) hauing all their feathers pluckt from their backes, and being turnd out as naked as Platoes cocke was before all Diogenes his Schollers: or as the Cuckooe in Christmas, are more fit to come to any Knights board, and are indéede more seruiceable then when they are lapt in their warme liueries: euen so stands the case with man. Truth (because the bald-pate her father Time, has no haire to couer his head) goes (when she goes best) starke naked; But falshood has euer a cloake for the raine. You sée likewise that the Lyon, being the king of beasts, the horse being the lustiest creature, the Unicorne, whose horne is worth halfe a City, all these go with no more clothes on their backes, then what nature hath bestowed vpon them; But you Babiownes, and you Iack-anapes (being the scum, and rascality of all the hedge-créepers) they go in ierkins and mandilions: marry how? they are put into these rags onely in mockery.

  Oh beware therefore both what you weare, and how you weare it, and let this heauenly reason moue you neuer to be hansome, for when the Sunne is arising out of his bed, does not the element séeme more glorious then (being onely in gray) at noone when hées in all his brauery? it were madnesse to deny it. What man would not gladly sée a beautifull woman naked, or at least with nothing but a lawne or some loose thing ouer her, and euen highly lift her vp for being so? Shall wee then abhorre that in our selues, which we admire and hold to be so excellent in others? Absit.

  CHAP. III. HOW A YONG GALLANT SHOULD WARME HIMSELFE BY THE FIRE: HOW ATTIRE HIMSELFE: THE DESCRIPTION OF A MANS HEAD: THE PRAISE OF LONG HAIRE.

  BUT if (as it often happens vnlesse the yeare catch the sweating sicknesse) the morning like charity waxing cold, thrust his frosty fingers into thy bosome, pinching thée black and blew, (with her nailes made of yce) like an inuisible Goblin, so that thy téeth (as if thou wert singing prick-song) stand coldly quauering in thy head, and leap vp and downe like the nimble Iackes of a paire of Uirginals: be then as swift as a whirle-winde, and as boystrous in tossing all thy cloathes in a rude heape together: With which bundle filling thine armes, steppe brauely forth, crying Roome, what a coyle keepe you about the fire? The more are set round about it, the more is thy commendation, if thou either bluntly ridest ouer their shoulders, or tumblest aside their stooles to créepe into the chimney corner: there toast thy body, till thy scorched shinne be speckled all ouer, being staind with more motley colours then are to be séene on the right side of the rainebow.

  Neither shall it be fit for the state of thy health, to put on thy Apparell, till by sitting in that hot house of the chimney, thou féelest the fat dew of thy body (like basting) runne trickling down thy sides: for by that meanes thou maist lawfully boast that thou liuest by the sweat of thy browes.

  As for thy stockings and shoos, •o weare them, that all men may point at thee and make thee amous by th•t glorious name of a Male content Or if thy quicksiluer can runne so •arre on thy errant as to fetch three bootes out of S. Ma•ren• let it be thy prudence to haue the tops of them wide as ye mouth of a wallet, and those with fringed boote-hose ouer them to hang downe to thy ankles. Doues are accounted innocent & louing creatures: thou in obseruing this fashion, shalt seeme to be a rough-•ooted doue, and bée held as innocent. Besides, the strawling, which of necessity so much lether betwéen thy legs must put thée into, will bee thought not to grow from thy disease, but from that gentleman-like habit.

  Hauing thus apparelled thée from top to toe, according to that simple fashion which the best Goose-caps in Europ striue to imitate, it is now high time for me to haue a blow at thy head, which I will not cut off with sharp documents, but rather set it on faster, bestowing vpon it such excellent caruing, that if all the wise men of Gottam should lay their heades together, their Iobber-nowles should not bee able to compare with thine.

  To maintaine therefore that sconce of thine, strongly guarded, and in good reparation, neuer suffer combe to fasten his téeth there: let thy haire grow thick and bushy like a forrest, or some wildernesse, lest those sixe-footed creatures that bréede in it, and are Tenants to that crowne-land of thine, bee hunted to death by euery base barbarous Barber; and so that delicate and ticling pleasure of scratching, be vtterly taken from thée: For the H•ad is a house built for Reason to diuell in: and thus is the tenement framd. The two Eyes are the glasse windowes, at which light disperses it selfe into euery roome, hauing goodly penthouses of haire to ouershaddow them: As for the nose, tho some (most iniuriously and improperly) make it serue for an Indian chimney yet surely it is rightly a bridge with two arches, vnder which are neat passages to conuey as well perfumes to aire and sweeten euery chamber, as to •arry away all noisome filth that is swept out or vncle•ne corners. The cherry lippes open like the new painted gates of a Lords Maiors house, to take in prouision. The tongue is a bell, hanging iust vnder the middle of the roofe, and lest it should be rung out too déepe (as sometimes it is when women haue a peale) whereas it was cast by the first founder, but onely to tole softly, there are two euen rowes of Iuory pegs (like pales set to kéep it in. The eares are two Musique roomes into which as well good sounds as bad, descend downe two narrow paire of staires, that for all the world haue crooked windings like those that lead to the top of Powles stéeple: & because when the tunes are once gotten in, they should not too quickly slip out, all the walles of both places are plaistred with yellow wax round about them. Now as the fairest lodging, tho it be furnisht with walles chimnies, chambers, & all other parts of Architecture, yet if the féeling be wanting, it stands subiect to raine, and so consequently to ruine. So would this goodly palace, which wée haue moddeld out vnto you, bee but a cold and bald habitation, were not the top of it rarely couered. Nature therfore has plaid the Tyler, and giuen it a most curious couering, or (to speake more properly) she has thatcht it all ouer, and that Thatching is haire. If then thou desirest to reserue that Fée
-simple of wit, (thy head) for thée and the lawfull heires of thy body, play neither the scuruy part of the Frenchman, that pluckes vp all by ye rootes, nor that of the spending Englishman, who to maintaine a paltry warren of vnprofitable Conies, disimparkes the stately swift-footed wild Deere: But let thine receiue his full growth that thou maiest safely and wisely brag tis thine owne Bush-Naturall.

  And with all consider, that as those trées of Cob-web-lawne, (wouen by Spinners the fresh May-mornings) doe dresse the curled heads of the mountaines, and adorne the swelling bosomes of the valleyes: Or as those snowy fléeces which the naked bryer steales from the innocent nibling shéepe, to make himselfe a warme winter liuery, are to either of them both an excelcellent ornament: So make thou account that to haue fethers sticking héere and there on thy head, will embellish and set thy crowne out rarely None dare vpbraid thée, that like a begger thou hast lyen on straw or like a trauelling Pedler vpon musty flockes: for those feathers will rise vp as witnesses to choake him that sayes so, and to proue that thy bed was of the softest Downe.

  When your noblest Gallants consecrate their houres to their Mistresses and to Reuelling, they weare fethers then chiefly in their hattes, being one of the fairest ensignes of their brauery: But thou a Reueller and a Mistris-seruer all the yeare by wearing fethers in thy haire whose length, before the rigorous edge of any puritanicall paire of scizzers should shorten the breadth of a finger, let the thrée huswifely spinsters of Destiny rather curtall the thréed of thy life. O no, long haire is the onely nette that women spread abroad to entrappe men in; and why should not men be as farre aboue women in that commodity, as they go beyond men in others? The merry Greekes were called 〈 in non-Latin alphabet 〉 long haird: loose not thou (being an honest Troian) that honour, sithence it will more fairely become thée. Grasse is the haire of the earth, which so long as it is suffred to grow, it becomes the wearer, and carries a most pleasing colour, but when the Sunne-burnt clowne makes his mowes at it, and like a Barber) shaues it off to the stumps, then it withers and is good ••r nothing, but to be trust vp and thrown amongst Iades. How vgly is a bald pate? it lookes like a face wanting a nose: or like ground eaten bare with the arrowes of Archers, wheras a head al hid in haire, giues euen to a most wicked face a swéet proportion, & lookes like a meddow newly marryed to the Spring: which beauty in men the Turkes enuying, they no sooner lay hold on a Christian, but the first marke they set vpon him, to make him know hées a slaue, is to shaue off all his haire close to the scull. A Mahumetan cruelty therefore is it, to stuffe bréeches and tennis balles with that, which when tis once lost, all the hare-hunters in the world may sweat their hearts out and yet hardly catch it againe.

  You then to whom chastity has giuen an heire apparant, take order that it may be apparant, and to that purpose let it play openly wt the lasciuious wind eue¯ on ye top of your shoulders. Experience cries out in euery Citty, that those selfe-same Criticall Saturnists, whose haire is shorter then their eye-browes, take a pride to haue their hoary beards hang slauering like a dozen of Fox tailes, downe so low as their middle. But (alas) why should the chinnes and lippes of old men lick vp that excrement which they vyolently clip away from the heads of yong men? Is it because those long béesomes (their beards) with swéeping the soft bosomes of their beautiful yong wiues, may tickle their tender breasts, and make some amends for their maisters vnrecouerable dulnesse? No, no there hangs more at the ends of those long gray haires, then all the world can come to the knowledge of. Certaine I am, that when neue but the golden age went currant vpon earth, it was hither treason to clip haire, then to clip money: the combe and scizers were condemned to the currying of hackneyes: he was di•franchized for euer, that did but put on a Barbers apron. Man, woman and child, woare then haire longer then a law-suit: euery head, when it stood bare or vncouered, lookt like a butter-boxes •owle hauing his thrumbd cap on. It was frée for all Nations to haue shaggy pates, as it is now onely for the Irishman: But since this polling and shauing world crept vp, locks-were lockt vp and haire sell to decay. Reuiue thou therefore the old buryed fashion, on and (in scorne of per•wigs and shéep-shearing kéep thou that qu•lted head-péece on continually. Long haire will make thée looke dreadfully to thine enemies, and manly to thy friends. It is in peace, an ornament: in warre, a strong helmet! It blunts the edge of a sword, and deads the len•en thunip of a bullet. In winter it is a warme night-cap, in sommer a cooling •a•ne of fethers.

  CHAP. IIII. HOW A GALLANT SHOULD BEHAUE HIMSELFE IN POWLES-WALKES.

  BEEING weary with sayling vp & downe almost these shores of Barbaria, héere let vs cast our Anchor and nimbly leape to land in one coast•, whose fresh aire shall be so much the more pleasing to vs, if the Ninny hammer (whose perfection we labour to set forth) haue much •oolish wit le•t him as to choose the place where to suche in: •or that true humorous Gallant that desires to powre himselfe into all fashions ( his ambition be such to excell euer Complement it selfe) must as well practise to diminish his as to bee various in his salle•s curious in his ; or ingenious in the tru••ing vp of a new Sretchhose: All which vertues are excellent and able to maintaine him, especially if the old worme-eaten Farmer, (his father) bée dead, and left him fiue hundred a yeare, onely to kéepe an Irish hobby, an Irish horse-boy, and himselfe (like a gentleman.) Hée therefore that would striue to fashion his legges to his silke stockins, and his proud gate to his broad garters, let him whiffe downe these obseruations, for if he once get but to walke by the booke (and I sée no reason but hee may as well as fight by the booke) Powles may be prowd of him, Will Clarke shall ring forth Encomiums in his honour, Iohn in Powles Church-yard, shall fit his head for an excellent blocke, whilest all the Innes of Court reioyce to behold his most hansome calfe.

  Your Mediterranean Ile, is then the onely gallery, wherein the pictures of all your true fashionate and complementall Guls are and ought to be hung vp: into that gallery carry your neat body, but take héede you pick out such an houre, when the maine Shoale of Ilanders are swimming vp and downe: and first obserue your doores of entrance, and your Exit, not much vnlike the plaiers at the Theaters, kéeping your Decorums euen in phantasticality. As for example: if you proue to be a Northerne Gentleman I would wish you to passe through the North doore more often (especially) then any of the other: and so according to your countries, take note of your entrances.

  Now for your venturing into the Walke be circumspect and wary what piller you come in at, and take héede in any case (as you loue the reputation of your honour) that you auoide the Seruing mans Logg, and approch not within fiue fadom of that Piller, but bend your course directly in the middle line, that the whole body of the Church may appeare to be yours, where, in view of all, you may publish your suit in what manner you affect most, either with the slide of your cloake from the one shoulder, and then you must (as twere in anger) suddenly snatch at the middle of the inside (if it be taffata at the least) and so by ye meanes your costly lining is betrayd, or else by the pretty aduantage of Complement. But one note by the way do I especially we•e you to, the neglect of which, makes many of our Gallants cheape and ordinary, that by no meanes you be séene aboue foure turnes, but in the fift make your selfe away, either in some of the Sempsters shops, the new Tobacco-office, or amongst the Booke-sellers, where, if you cannot reade, exercise your smoake, and inquire who has writ against this diuine wéede: &c. For this withdrawing your selfe a little, will much benefite your suit, which else by too long walking, would be stale to the whole spectators: but howsoeuer, if Powles Iacks bee once vp wt their elbowes, and quarrelling to strike eleuen, as soone as euer the clock has parted them, and ended the fray with his hammer, let not the Dukes gallery conteyne you any longer, but passe away apace in open view. In which departure, if by chance you either encounter, or aloofe off throw your inquisitiue eye vpon any knight or Squire, being your familiar, salute him not by his name of Sir such a one, or so, but call him Ned or Iack &c. This will set off your estimation with great men: and if (tho there be a
dozen companies betwéene you, tis the better) hee call alowd to you (for thats most gentile) to know where he shall find you a• two a clock, tell him at such an Ordinary or such, and bée sure to name those that are déerest, and whither none but your Gallants resort. After dinner you may appeare againe hauing translated yourselfe out of your English cloth cloak, into a light Turky-grogram (if you haue that happinesse of shifting) and then we séene (for a turne or two) to correct your téeth with some quill, or siluer instrument, and to cleanse your gummes with a wrought handkercher: It skilles not whether you dinde or no, (thats best knowne to your stomach) or in what place you dinde, though it were with chéese (of your owne mothers making) in your chamber or study.

  Now if you chance to bee a Gallant not much crost amongst Citizens, that is, a Gallant in the Mercers bookes, exalted for Sattens and veluets, if you be not so much blest to bée crost (as I hold it the greatest blessing in the world, to bee great in no mans bookes) your Powles walke is your onely refuge: the Dukes Tomb is a Sanctuary, and will kéepe you aliue from wormes and land-rattes, that long to be féeding on your carkas: there you may spend your legs in winter a whole after-noone: conuerse, plot, laugh, and talke any thing, iest at your Creditor, euen to his face, and in the euening, euen by lamp-light, steale ant, & so cozen a whole coup of abhominable catch-pols.

  Neuer be séene to mount the steppes into the quire, but vpon a high Festiuall day, to preferre the fashion of your doublet, and especially if the singing boyes séeme to take note of you: for they are able to buzze your praises, aboue their An•hems if their v•y•es haue not lost their maiden-heads, but be sure your siluer spurres dogge your heeles, and then the B•yes will sw•rme about you like so many white when you in the open Quire shall dr•we forth a embrodred purse, (the glorious •ight of which will ent•ce ma•y Country-men from their deu•sion to wondring) Siluer into the Boyes handes that it may hea•d the first lesson, although it be reade in a voy•e as big as one of the great Organs.