Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  By sitting on the stage, you may (without trauelling for it) at the very next doore, aske whose play it is: and by that Quest of Inquiry, the law warrants you to auoid much mistaking: if you know not the author, you may raile against him: and peraduenture so behaue your selfe, that you may enforce the Author to know you.

  By sitting on the stage, if you be a Knight, you may happily get you a Mistresse: if a méere Fleet-street Gentleman, a wife; but assure your selfe by continuall residence, you are the first and principall man in election to begin the number of We three.

  By spreading your body on the stage, and by being a Iustice in examining of plaies, you shall put your selfe into such true Scaenicall authority that some Poet shall not dare to present his Muse rudely vpon your eyes, without hauing first vnmaskt her, rifled her, and discouered all her bare and most mysticall parts before you at a Tauerne, when you most knighly shal for his paines, pay for both their suppers.

  By •itting on the stage, you may (with small cost) purchase the déere acquaintance of the boyes: haue a good stoole for sixpence: at any time know what particular part any of the infants present: get your match lighted, examine the play-suits lace, and perhaps win wagers vpon laying tis copper, &c. And to conclude whether you be a foole or a Iustice of peace, a Cuckold or a Capten, a Lord Maiors sonne or a dawcocke, a knaue or an vnder Shreife, of what stamp soeuer you be, currant or counterfet, the Stagelike time will bring you to most perfect light, and lay you open: neither are you to be hunted from thence though the Scar-crowes in the yard, hoot at you, hisse at you, spit at you, yea throw durt euen in your téeth: tis most Gentleman like patience to endure all this, and to laugh at the silly Animals; but if the Rabble with a full throat, crie away with the foole, you were worse then a mad-man to tarry by it: for the Gentleman and the foole should neuer sit on the Stage together.

  Mary let this obseruation go hand in hand with the rest: or rather like a country-seruingman, some fiue yards before them Present not your selfe on the Stage (especially at a new play) vntill the quaking prologue hath (by rubbing) got cullor into his chéekes, and is ready to giue the trumpets their Cue that hées vpon point to enter: for then it is time, as though you were one of the Properties, or that you dropt out of ye Hangings to créepe from behind the Arras with your Tripos or thrée-sooted stoole in one hand, and a teston mounted betwéene a fore-finger and a thumbe in the other: for if you should bestow your person vpon the vulgar, when the belly of the house is but halfe full, your apparell is quite eaten vp, the fashion lost, and the proportion of your body in more danger to be deuoured, then if it were serud vp in the Counter amongst the Powltry: auoid that as you would the Bastome. It shall crowne you with rich commendation to laugh alowd in the middest of the most serious and saddest scene of the terriblest Tragedy: and to let that clapper (your tongue) be tost so high that all the house may ring of it: your Lords vse it; your Knights are Apes to the Lords, and do so too: your Inne-a-court-man is Zany to the Knights, and (many very scuruily) comes likewise limping after it: bee thou a beagle to them all, and neuer lin snuffing till you haue sented them: for by talking and laughing (like a Plough-man in a Morris) you heape Pelion vpon Ossa, glory vpon glory: As first, all the eyes in the galleries will leaue walking after the Players, and onely follow you: the simplest dolt in the house snatches vp your name, and when he méetes you in the stréetes, or that you fall into his hands in the middle of a Watch, his word shall be taken for you, héele cry, Hees such a Gallant, and you passe. Secondly, you publish your temperance to the world, in that you séeme not to resort thither to taste vaine pleasures with a hungrie appetite; but onely as a Gentleman, to spend a foolish houre or two, because you can doe nothing else. Thirdly you mightily disrelish the Audience, and disgrace the Author: mary you take vp (though it be at the worst hand) a strong opinion of your owne iudgement and inforce the Poet to take pitty of your weakenesse, and by some dedicated sonnet to bring you into a better paradice, onely to stop your mouth.

  If you can (either for loue or money) prouide your selfe a lodging by the water side: for aboue the conueniencie it brings, to shun Shoulder-clapping, and to ship away your Cockatrice betimes in the morning it addes a kind of state vnto you, to be carried from thence to the staires of your Play-house: hate a Sculler (remember that) worse then to be acquainted with one ath Scullery. No, your Oares are your onely Sea-crabs, boord them, & take héed you neuer go twice together wt one paire: often shifting is a great credit to Gentlemen: & that diuiding of your Fare wil make ye poore watersnaks be ready to pul you in péeres to enioy your custome: No matter whether vpon landing you haue money or no, you may swim in twentie of their boates ouer the riuer, vpon Ticket: mary when siluer comes in, remember to pay trebble their fare, & it will make your Flounder-catchers to send more thankes after you, when you doe not draw, then when you doe: for they know, It will be their owne another daie.

  Before the Play begins, fall to cardes, you may win or loose (as Fencers doe in a prize) and beate one another by confederacie, yet share the money when you méete at supper: notwithstanding, to gul the Ragga-muffins that stand a loofe gaping at you, throw the cards (hauing first torne foure or fiue of them) round about the Stage, iust vpon the third sound, as though you had lost: it skils not if the foure knaues ly on their backs, and outface the Audience, theres none such fooles as dare take exceptions at them, because ere the play go off, better knaues then they will fall into the company.

  Now sir, if the writer be a fellow that hath either epigramd you, or hath had a flirt at your mistris, or hath brought either your feather or your red beard, or your little legs &c. on the stage, you shall disgrace him worse then by tossing him in a blancket, or giuing him the bastinado in a Tauerne, if in the middle of his play, (bee it Pastorall or Comedy, Morall or Tragedie) you rise with a skreud and discontented face from your stoole to be gone: no matter whether the Scenes be good or no, the better they are, the worse doe you distast them: and béeing on your féete, sneake not away like a coward, but salute all your gentle acquaintance, that are spred either on the rushes, or on stooles about you, and draw what troope you can from the stage after you: the Mimicks are beholden to you, for allowing them elbow roome: their Poet cries perhaps a pox go with you, but care not you for that, theres no musick without frets.

  Mary if either the company, or indisposition of the weather hinde you to sit it out, my counsell is then that you turne plaine Ape, take vp a rush and tickle the earnest eares of your fellow gallants, to make other fooles fall a laughing: mewe at passionate spéeches, blare at merrie, finde fault with the musicke, whew at the childrens Action, whistle at the songs: and aboue all, curse the sharers, that whereas the same day you had bestowed forty shillings on an embrodered Felt and Feather, (scotch-fashion) for your mistres in the Court, or your punck in the Cittie, within two houres after, you encounter with the very same block on the stage, when the haberdasher swore to you the impression was extant but that morning.

  To conclude, hoord vp the finest play-scraps you can get, vppon which your leaue wit may most sauourly féede for want of other stuffe, when the Arcadian and Euphuird gentlewomen haue their tongues sharpened to set vpon you: that qualitie (next to your shittlecocke) is the onely furniture to a Courtier thats but a new beginner, and is but in his ABC of complement. The next places that are fild, after the Playhouses bée emptied, are (or ought to be) Tauernes, into a Tauerne then let vs next march, where the braines of one Hogshead must be beaten out to make vp another.

  CHAP. 8. HOW A GALLANT SHOULD BEHAUE HIMSELFE IN A TAUERNE.

  WHOSOEUER desires to bee a man of good reckoning in the Cittie, and (like your French Lord) to haue as many tables furnisht, as Lackies (who when they kéepe least, kéepe none (whether he be a yong Quat of the first yéeres reuennew, or some nustere and sullenfacd steward, who (in despight of a great heard, a satten suite, and a chaine of gold wrapt in cipers) proclaimes himselfe to any (but to those to whom his Lord owes money) for a ranck coxcombe, or whether he be a country gentleman that brin
gs his wife vp to learne the fashion, sée the Tombs at Westminster, the Lyons in the Tower, or to take physicke, or else is some yong Farmer, who many times makes his wife (in the country) beléeue he hath suits in law, because he will come vp to his letchery: be he of what stamp he will that hath money in his purse, and a good conscience to spend it, my councell is that hée take his continuall diet at a Tauerne, which (out of question) is the onely Rende-vous of boone company; and the Drawers the most nimble, the most bold, and most sudden proclaimers of your largest bounty.

  Hauing therefore thrust your selfe into a case most in fashion (how course soeuer the stuffe be, tis no matter so it hold fashion) your office is (if you meane to do your iudgement right) to enquire out those Tauernes which are best customd, whose maisters are oftenest drunke (for that confirmes their taste, and that they choose wholesome wines) and such as stand furthest from ye counters, where landing your self & your followers, your first complement-shall be-to grow most inwardly acquainted with the drawers, to learne their names, as Iack, and Will, and Tom, to diue into their inclinations, as whether this fellow vseth to the Fencing Schoole, this to the Dauncing Schoole; whether that yong coniurer (in Hogsheads) at midnight, kéepes a Gelding now and then to visit his Cockatrice, or whether he loue dogs, or be addicted to any other eminent and Citizen-like quality: and protest your selfe to be extreamely in loue, and that you spend much money in a yeare, vpon any one of those exercises which you perceiue is, followed by them. The vse which you shall make of this familiarity is this: If you want money fiue or six daies together, you may still pay the reckoning, with this most Gentlemanlike language Boy, fetch me money from the Barre, and kéepe your selfe most, prouidently from a hungry melancholly in your chamber. Besides, you shal be sure (if there be but one fawcet that can betray neate wine to the barre) to haue that arraignd before you, sooner then a better and worthier person.

  The first question you are to make (after the discharging of your pocket of Tobacco and pipes, and the houshold stuffe thereto belonging) shall be for an inuentorie of the Kitchen: for it were more then most Tailor-like, and to be suspected you were in •eague with some Kitchen-wench, to descend your selfe, to offend your stomach with the sight of the Larder, and happily to greaze your Acconstrements. Hauing therefore receiued this bill, you shal (like a Capten putting vp déere paies) haue many Sallads stand on your table, as it were for blankes to the other more seruiceable dishes: and according to the time of the yeare, vary your face, as Capon is a stirring meate sometime, Oisters are a swelling meate sometimes, Trowt a tickling meate sometimes, gréene Goose, and Woodcock a delicate meate sometimes, especially in a Tauerne, where you shall sit in as great state as a Church-warden amongst his poore Parishioners at Pentecost or Christmas.

  For your drinke, let not your Physitian confine you to any one particular liquor: for as it is requisite that a Gentleman should not alwaies be plodding in one Art, but rather bée a generall Scholler (that is, to haue a licke at all sorts of learning & away) So tis not fitting a man should trouble his head with sucking at one Grape, but that he may be able (now there is a generall peace) to drink any stranger drinke in his owne element of drinke, or more properly in his owne mist language.

  Your discourse at the table must be such as that which you vtter at your Ordinary: your behauiour the same, but somewhat more carelesse: for where your expence is great, let your modesty be lesse: and though you should be mad in a Tauerne, the largenesse of the Items will beare with your inciuility, you may without prick to your conscience set the want of your wit against the superfluity and sawcines of their reckonings.

  If you defice not to be haunted with Fidlers (who by the statute haue as much libertie as Roagues to trauell into any place, hau•ng the pasport of the house about them) bring then no women along with you; but if you loue the company of all the drawers, neuer suppe without your Cockatrice: for hauing her there, you shall be sure of most officious attendance. Enquire what Gallants sup in the next roome, and if they be any of your acquaintance, do not you (after the City fashion) send them in a •ottle of wine, and your name swéetned in two pittifull papers of Suger, with some filthy Apologie cramd into the mouth of a Drawer; but rather kéepe a boy in fée, who vnder hand shall proclaime you in euery roome, what a gallant fellow you are, how much you spend yearely in Tauernes, what a great gamester, what custome you bring to the house, in what witty discourse you maintaine a table, what Gentlewomen, or Cittizens wiues you can with a wet finger haue at any time to sup with you, and such like. By which Encomiasticks of his, they that know you not: shall admire you; and thinke themselues to bée brought into a paradice but to be meanely in your acquaintance: and if any of your endéered friends be in the house, and beate the same Iuy-bush that your selfe does, you may ioyne companies and bee drunke together most publikly.

  But in such a deluge of drinke, take héede that no man counterfeit him selfe drunck, to frée his purse from the danger of the shot: tis an vsuall thing now amongst gentlemen, it had wont bée the qualitie of Cockne•es, I would aduise you to leaue so much braines in your head, as to preuent this. When the terrible Reckoning (like an inditement) bids you hold vp your hand, and that you must answere it at the barre, you must not abate one peny in any particular, no, though they reckon chéese to you when you haue neither eaten any, nor could euer abide it, raw or toasted: but cast your eie onely vpon the Totalis and no furder; for to trauerse the bill, would betray you to be acquainted with the rates of the market, nay more, it would make the Uintners beléeue, you were Pater-familias, and kept a house which I assure you is not now in fashion.

  If you fall to dice after Supper, let the drawers be as familier with you as your Barber, and venture their siluer amongst you: no matter where they had it, you are to cherish the vnthriftinesse of such yong tame pigions, if you be a right gentleman: for when two are yoakt together by the purse strings & draw the Charriot of Madam Prodigalitie, when one faints in the way, and slips his hornes, let the other reioice and laugh at him.

  At your departure forth the house, to kisse mine Hostis ouer the barre, or to accept of the courtesie of the Celler, when tis offered you by the drawers (and you must know that kindnes neuer créepes vpon them, but when they sée you almost cleft to the shoulders) or to bid any of the Uintuers good night, is as commendable, as for a Barber after trimming to laue your face with swéete water.

  To conclude, count it an honour either to inuite, or to be inuited to any Rifling, for commonly though you finde much satten there, yet you shall likewise find many cittisens sonnes, and heires, and yonger brothers there who smell out such feasts more gréedily then Taylors hu¯t vpon sundaies after weddings. And let any hooke draw you either to a Fencers supper, or to a Players that acts such a part for a wager: for by this meanes you shall get experience by béeing guilty to their abhominable shauing.

  CHAP. 8. HOW A GALLANT IS TO BEHAUE HIMSELFE PASSING THROUGH THE CITTIE AT ALL HOURES OF THE NIGHT, AND HOW TO PASSE BY ANY WATCH.

  AFTER the sound of pottle pots is out of your eares, and that the spirit of Wine and Tobacco walkes in your braine, the Tauerne doore béeing shut vppon your backe, cast about to passe through the widest and goodliest stréetes in the Cittie. And if your meanes cannot reach to the kéeping of a boy, hire one of the drawers, to be as a lanthorne vnto your féete, and to light you home: and still as you approch néere any night-walker that is vp as late as your selfe, curse and sweare (like one that speaks hie dutch) in a lofty voice, because your men haue v•d you so like a rascoll in not waiting vpon you, and vow the next morning to pull their blew cases ouer their eares, though if your chamber were well searcht, you giue onely six pence a wéeke to some old woman to make your bed, and that she is all the seruing-creatures you giue wages to. If you smell a watch, (and that you may easily doe, for commonly they eate onions to kéep them in sléeping, which they account a medicine against cold) But if you come within danger of their browne bils, let him that is your candlestick, and holds vp your torch from dropping (for to marc
h after a lin•k, is shoomaker like) let Ignis Fatuus, I say béeing within the reach of the Constables staffe, aske alowd, Sir Giles, or Sir Abram, will you turne this way, or downe that stréete? It skils not, though there be none dubd in your Bunch, the watch will winke at you, onely for the loue they beare to armes and knighthood: mary if the Centinell and his court of Guard stand strictly vpon his martiall Law and cry stand, co¯manding you to giue the word, and to shew reason why your Ghost walkes so late, doe it in some Iest, (for that will shew you haue a desperate wit, and perhaps make him and his halberdiers afraid to lay fowle hands vpon you,) or if you read a mittimus in the Constables booke, counterfeit to be a French man, a Dutchman, or any other nation, whose country is in peace with your owne, and you may passe the pikes: for béeing not able to vnderstand you, they cannot by the customes of the Citie take your examination, and so by consequence they haue nothing to say to you.

  If the night be old, and that your lodging bée in some place into which no Artillery of words can make a breach, retire, & rather assault the dores of your punck, or (not to speak broken English) your swéete mistris: vpon whose white bosome you may languishingly consume the rest of darkenesse that is left, in rauishing (though not restoratiue) pleasures without expences, onely by vertue of foure or fiue oathes (when the siege breakes vp, & at your marching away with bag and baggage) that the last night you were at dice, and lost so much in gold, so much in siluer, and séeme to vex most that two such Elizabeth twenty shilling péeces, or foure such spur-ryals (sent you with a chéese and a bakt meate from your mother) rid away amongst the rest. By which tragicall yet pollitick spéech, you may not only haue your night worke done Gratis, but also you may take dyet ther• the next day and depart with credit onely vpon the bare word of a Gentleman to make her restitution.