Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  Harlots haue processe sued vpon them heere, and are condemned to Howling, to Rottennesse and to Stench. No Actes of Parliament that haue passed the Upperhouse, can be broken, but here the breach is punished, and that seuerely, and that suddenlly: For here they stand vppon no demurres; no Audita-Queraela can heere be gotten, no writs of Errors to Reuerse Iudgement: heere is no flying to a court of Chancery for relee•, yet euerie one that comes heather is serued with a Sub-poena. No, they deale altogether in this Court vpon the Habeas Corpus, vpon the Capias, vppon the Ne exeat Regneum, vpon Rebellion, vppon heauie Fines (but no Recoueries) vpon writers of Out-lary, to attache the body for euer, & last of all vppon Executions, after Iudgement, which being seru’d vpon a man is his euerlasting vnd•oing.

  Such are the Customes and courses of proceedings in the Offices belonging to the Prince of Darknesse. These hot dooings hath he in his Terme-times. But vpon a day when a great matter was to be tryed betweene an Englishman and a Dutchman, which of the two were the fowlest Drinkers, and the case being a long time in arguing, by reason that strong euidence came in re•ling on both sides, (yet it was thought that the English-man would carry it away, and cast the Dutchman) on a sudden all was staid by the sound of a horne that was heard at the lower end of the Hall. And euerie one looking back (as wondring at the strangenesse) too me room was cride and made through the thickest of the crowde, for a certaine spirit in the likenesse of a post who made away on a little leane Nagge by to the Bench where Iudge Rad amanth with his two grim Brothers (Minos and Aeacus) sat. This spirit was an intelligencer sent by Belzebub of Batharum into some Countries of Christe¯dome, to lye there as a spie, •had brought with him a packet of letters from seuerall Leigiars, that lay in those Countries, for the seruice of the Tartarian their Lord and Maister, which packet being opened, all the Letters, (because they concernd the generall good and state of those lowe Countries in Hell) were publikely reade. The contents of that Letter stung most, and put them all out of their lawcases, were to this purpose.

  THAT whereas the Lord of Fiery Lakes, had his Ministers in all kingdomes aboue the earth, whose Offices were not onely to winne subiects of other Princes to his obedience, but also to giue notice when any of his owne sworn houshold, or any other that held league with him should reuolt or flye from their duty & allegiance: as also discouer from time to time all plots, conspiracies, machinations, or vnderminings, that skold be laid (albeit they that durst lay them should dig deepe enough) to blow vp his great Internall cittie: so that if his Horned Regiment were not suddenly mustred together, and did not lustely bestirre their clouen stumps, his Territories weld be shaken, his dominions left in time vnpeopl’d, his forces look’d into, and his authoritie which hee held in the world, contemned & laughed to scorne. The reason was, yt a certaine fellow. The Childe of Darkenes, a commonNight-walker, a man that had no man to waite vppon him but onely a Dog, one that was a disordered person,and at midnight would beate at mens doores, bidding them (in meere mockerie) to look to their candles when they themselues were in their dead sleeps: and albeit he was an Officer, yet he was but of Light-carriage, being knowne by the name of the Bell-man of London, had of late not only drawne a number of the Deuils owne kindred into question for their liues, but had also (only by the help of the lanthorn & candle) lookt into the secrets of the best trades that are taught in hell, laying them open to the broad eye of the world, making them infamous, edious, and ridiculous: yea, and not satisfied with dooing this wrong to his diuellship, very spitefullye hath hee set them out in print, drawing their pictures so to the life, that now a horse-stealet shall not shew his head, but a balter with the Hang-mans noose is ready to bee fastned about it: A Foyst nor a Nip shall not walke into a Fayre or a Play-house, but euerie cracke will cry looke to your purses: nor a poore common Rogue come to a mans doore, but he shall be examined if he can cant? If this Baulling fellow therefore haue not his mouth stop’d, the light Angels that are coynd below, will neuer bee able to passe as they haue done, but be naild vp for counterfeits, Hell will haue no dooings, and the deuill be no-body.

  This was the lyning of the Letter, and this Letter draue them al to a Non-plus, because they knew not how to answere it. But at last aduice was taken, the Court brake vp, the Tearme was adiourn’d, (by reason that the Hell-houndes were thus Plagu’d) and a common counsell in hell was prese¯tly called how to redres these abuses.

  The Sathanicall Sinagogue beeing set, vp startes the Father of Hell and damnation, and looking verrie terribly with a paire of eies that stared as wide as the mouth gapes at Bishops-gate, fetching foure or fiue deep sighes (which were nothing else but the Smoke of fire & brimstone boyling in his stomacke, and shewed as if hee were taking tobacco, which be often times does) tolde his children & serua¯ts (& the rest of the citizens that dwelt wichin the freedome of Hel, and sat there before him vpon narow low formes) that they neuer had more cause to lay their heads together, and to grow pollititians. Hee and they all knew, that from the Corners of the earth, some did euerie houre in a day creepe forth, to come and serue him: yea, that many thousands were so be witched with his fauours, and his rare partes, that they would come running quick to him, his dominions (he said) were great and full of people: Emperors and Kings, (in infinit numbers) were his slaues: his court was ful of Princes: if the world were deuided (as some report) but into three parts two of those three were his: or if (as others affirme) into foure parts, almost three of that foure had hee firme footing.

  But if such a fellow as a treble voic’d Bel-man, should be suffered to pry into the infernal Misteries, & into those Black Acts which command the spirits of the Déep, & hauing sucked what knowledge he can from them, to turne it al into poison, & to spit it in the verie faces of the professors, with a malicious intent to make them appeare vgly and so to grow hatefull and out of fauor with ye world: if such a coniurer at midnight should dance in their circles and not be driuen out of them, hell in a few yeares would not bee worth the dwelling in. The great Lord of Limbo did therefore commaund all his Blacke Guard that stood about him, to bestirre them in their places, and to defend the Court wherein they liued: threatning (besides) that his cursse, & all the plagues of stinking hel shold fall vpon his officers, seruants, and subiects, vnlesse they either aduiz’d him, how, or take some speedy order themselues to punish that saucy intelligencer, the Bel-man of London. Thus he spake and then sat.

  At last, a foolish Deuill rose vp, and shot the bolt of his aduice, which flew thus farre, That the Blacke-dogge of New-gate should againe bee let loose, and a farre off, follow the Balling Bel-man, to watch into what plac•s hee went, and what deedes of darkenesse (euerie night) hee did. Hinc risus! The whole Syniodicall assembly, fell a laughing at this Wise-acre, so that neither he nor his blacke-Dogge durst barke any more.

  Another, thinking to cleaue the verrie pinne with his arrow, drew it home to the head of Wisdome (as he imaginde) and yet that lighted wide too, But thus shot his Counsell, that the Ghosts of all those theeues, Cheaters, and others of the damned crew, (who by the Bel-mans discouerie, had bene betraied, were taken and sent westward) should bee fetched from those fields of Horror, where euerie night they walke, disputing with Doctor Story, who keepes them company there in his corner Cap: & that those wry-neck’d spirits should haue charge giuen them to haunt the Bel-man in his walkes, and so fright him out of his wittes. This Deuill for all his roaring, went away neither with a Plaudite, nor with a hisse: Others step’d vp, some pronouncing one verdict some another: But at the last, it beeing put into their Diuelish heads, that they had no power ouer him farther then what shold be giueu vnto them, it was concluded and set downe as a rule in Court, that some one strange spirit, could transport himselfe into all shapes, should bee sent vppe to London, and scorning to take reuenge vppon so meane a person as a Bel-ringer, should thrust himselfe into such companyes, (as in a warrant to bee signed for that purpose) should bee nominated: and beeing once growne familiar with them, hee was to worke and winne them by all possible meanes to fight vnder
the dismall and blacke collours of the Grand Sophy, (his Lord and Master:) the fruite that was to grow vppon this tree of euill, would bee greate, for it should bee fit to bee serued vp to Don Lucifers Table, as a new banqueting Dish, sithence all his other meates, (though they fatted him well) were grown stale

  Hereupon Pamersiell the Messenger was called, a pasport was drawne, signed and deliuered to him, with certaine instruments how to carry himselfe in this trauell. And thus m•ch was openly spoken to him by word of mouth.

  Fly•Pamersi•l with speede to the great and populous citie in the West: winde thy selfe into all shapes: bee a Dogge (to fawne) a Dragon (to confound) bee a Dou• (seeme innocent) bee a Deuill (as thou art) and shew that thou art a Iorniman to hel. Build rather thy nest amo¯gst willowes that bend euerie way, then on tops of Oakes, whose hearts are hard to be broken: Fly with the Swallow, close to ye earth, when stormes are at hand, but keep company with Birdes of greater tallants, when the weather is cleere, & neuer leaue them till they looke like Rauens: creepe into bosom• that are buttond vp in sattin and there spred the wings of thine infection: make euerie head thy pillow to leane vpon, or vse it like a Mill, onely to grinde mischiefe. If thou meetst a Dutchman, drinke with him: if a Frenchman, stab: if a Spaniard, betray: if an Italian poyson: if an Englishman doe all this.

  Haunt Tauerns, there thou shalt yrodigalls: pay thy two-pence to a Player, in his gallerie maist thou sitte by a Harlot: at Ordinaries maist thou dine with silken fooles: when the day steales out o••orld, thou shalt meete rich drvnkards, vnder wel• gownes search for threescore in the hundred, hugge those golden villaines, they shine bright, and will make a good shew in hell, shriek we a cricket in the brew-house, & watch how they coniure there: Ride vp and downe Smith-field, and play the Iade ther•: Uisit prisons, and teach Iaylors how to make nets of Iron there: binde thy selfe Prentice to the best trades: but if thou canst grow extreame ritch in a very short time, (honestly) I banish thee my kingdome, come no more into hell, I haue red thee a lecture, follow• it, farewell.

  No sooner was farwell spoken, but the spirit to whom all these matters were giuen in charge, vanished: the clo•en footed Orator arose, and the whole assembly went about their damnable businesse.

  GUL-GROPING.

  How Gentlemen are cheated at Ordinaries.

  CHA

  THE Diuels foote-man was very nimble of his héeles (for no wilde-Irish man could out-runne him, and therefore in a few houres, was he come vp to London: the miles betweene Hell and any place vpon earth being shorter then those betweene London and Saint Albones, to any man that trauels from thence thither, or to any Lackey that comes from hence hether on the Deuils errands: but to any other poore soule, that dwells in those low contries, they are neuer at an end, and by him are not possible to bee measured.

  No sooner was he entred into the Cittie, but hee met with one of his Maisters daughters called Pride, drest like a Matchants wife, who taking acquaintance of him, and vnderstanding for what hee came, tolde him, that the first thing hee was to doe, hee must put himselfe in good cloathes, such as were sutable to the fashion of the time, for that here, men were look’d vppon onely for their outsides: he that had not ten-pounds-worth of wares in his shop, would carry twentie markes on his back: that there were a number of sumpter-borses in the citty, who cared not how coursely they fed, so they might were gay trappings: pea, that some pied fooles, to put on satin and veluet but foure daies in the yeare did often-times vndoe themselues, wiues and Children euer after. The spirit of the Deuils Buttry hearing this, made a legge to Pride for her counsell, and knowing by his owne experience that euerie Taylor hath his bell to himselfe, vnder his Shop-board, (where he dammes new Sattin) amongst them he thought to finde best welcome, and therefore into Burchin-lane hee stalkes verie mannerly, Pride going along with him, and taking the vpper hand.

  No sooner was he entred into the rankes of the LinnenArmorers, (whose weapons are Spanish needles) but he was most terribly and sharpely set vppon euerie: prentice boy had a pull at him: he feared they all had bin Serieants, because they all had him by the back: neuer was poore deuil so tormented in hell, as he was amongst them: he thought it had bene Saint Thomas his day, & that he had bene called vpon to be Constable: there was such balling in his eares: and no strength could shake them off, but that they must shews him some suites of apparell, because they saw what Gentlewoman was in his company (whom they all knew) Seeing no remedie, into a shop he goes, was fitted brauely, and beating the price, found the lowest to be vnreasonable, yet paide it, and departed, none of them (by reason of their crowding about him befor) perceiuing what customer they had met with, but now the Taylor spying the deuill, suffered him to go, neuer praying that he wold know the shop another time, but looking round about his ware-house if nothing were missing, at length he found that he had lost his co¯science: yet remembring himselfe, that they who deale with the diuel, can hardly keepe it, he stood vpon it the lesse.

  THE FASHIONS OF AN ORDINARIE.

  THE Stigian traueller beeing thus translated into an accomplish’d gallant, with all acoutrements belonging (as a fether for his head, gilt rapier for his sides, & new boots to hide his polt foote (for in Bed-lam bee met with a shoemaker, a mad slaue, that knew the length of his last) it rested, onely that now he was to enter vppon company sutable to his cloathes: and knowing that your most selected Gallants are the onelye table-men that are plaid with al at Ordinaries, into an Ordinary did he most gentleman like, conuay himselfe in state.

  It seemed that al who came thether, had clocks in their bellies, for they all struck into the dyning roome much aabout the very minute of feeding. Our Caualier had all the eyes (that came in (throwne vpon him, (as beeing a stranger• for no Ambassador from the diuell euer dined amongst them before,) and he asmuch tooke especiall notes of them. In obseruing of whom and of the place he found, that an Ordinary was the only Rendeuouz for the most ingenious, most terse, most trauaild, and most phantastick gallant: the very Exchange for newes out of al countries: the only Booke-sellers shop for conference of the best Editions, that if a woma¯ (to be a Lady (would cast away herself vpon a knight, there a man should heare a Catalogue of most of the richest London widowes: last, that it was a schoole where they were all fellowes of one Forme, & that a country gentleman was of as great comming as ye proudest Iustice that sat there on ye bench aboue him: for he that had the graine of the table with his trencher, payd no more then he that plac’d himself beneath the salt.

  The diuers intelligencer could not be contented to fill his eye onely with these obiects, and to féed his belly with delicate chéere: But hée drew a larger picture of all that were there, and in these collours.

  The vcider hauing cléered the table; Cardes & Dice (for the last Messe) are serued vp to the boord: they that are ful of coyne, draw: they that haue little, stand by & giue ayme: they shuffle and cut on one side: the bones rattle on the other: long haue they not plaide, but others fly vp & down the roome like haile-shot: if the poore dumb dice be but a little out of square, the pox & a thousand •plagues breake their neckes out at window: presently after, the foure knaues are sent packing the same way, or els (like heretikes are) condemned to be burnt.

  In this battaile of Cardes and Dice, are seuerall Regiments & seuerall Officiers.

  They that sit downe to play, are at first cald Leaders.

  They that loose, are the Forlorne Hope.

  He that winnes all, is the Eagle.

  He that stands by & Uentures, is the Wod-pecker.

  The fresh Gallant that is fetcht in is The Gull,

  H• that stands by, and lends, is the Gull-groper.

  THE GULL-GROPER.

  THIS Gul-groper is commonly an old Mony-mo¯ger, who hauing trauaild through all the follyes of the world in his youth, knowes them well, and shunnes them in his age, his whole felicitie being to fill his bags with golde and siluer: hee comes to an Ordinary, to saue charges of house-keeping, and will eate for his two shillings, more meate then will serue thrée
of the guard at a dinner, yet sweares hée comes thether onely for the company, and to conuerse with trauailers. Its a Gold-Finch that fildome flies to these Ordinary Nests, without a hundred or two hundred pound in twenty shilling péeces about him. After the tearing of some seauen paire of Cardes, or the damning of some ten baile of Dice, steps hée vpon the Stage, and this part he playes. If any of the Forlorne Hope bée a Gentleman of Meanes, either in Esse, or in Posse (and that the olde Fox will bée sure to know to halfe an Acre,) whose money runnes at a low ebbe, as may appeare by his scratching of the head, and walking vp and downe the roome, as if he wanted an Ostler: The Gull-groper takes him to a side window and tels him, hée’s sorry to sée his hard luck, but the Dice are made of womens bones, and will cozen any man, yet for his fathers sake (whom he hath knowne so long) if it please him, he shal not leaue off play for a hundred pound or two. If my yong Estrich gape to swallow downe this mettall (& for the most part they are very gréedy, hauing such prouander set before them) then is the gold powred on the board, a Bond is made for repaiment, at the next quarter day when Exhibition is sent in: and because it is all gold, and cost so much the changing, The Scriuener (who is a whelpe of the old Mastiues owne bréeding) knows what words will bite, which thus he fastens vpo¯ him, and in this Nette the Gull is sure to be taken (howsoeuer:) for if he fall to play againe, & loose, the hoary Goat-bearded Satyre that stands at his elbow, laughes in his sléeue: if his bags be so recouered of their Fallingsicknes, that they be able presently to repay the borrowed gold, then Monsieur Gul-groper steales away of purpose to auoide the receipt of it; he hath fatter Chickens in hatching: tis a fayrer marke he shootes at. For the day being come when the bond growes due, the within named Signior Auaro will not be within: or if he be at home, he hath wedges enough in his pate, to cause the bond to bée broken, or else a little before the day, he féeds my young Maister with such swéet words, that surfetting vpon his protestations, hée neglects his paiment, as presuming hée may do more But the Law hauing a hand in the forfeiture of the bond, laies presently hold of our yong Gallant with the helpe of a couple of Serieants, and iust at such a time when old Erra Pater (the Iew,) that lent him the money, knowes by his owne Prognostication, that the Moone with the siluer face is with him in the waine. Nothing then can frée him out of the phanges of those bloudhounds, but he must presently confesse a iudgment, for so much money, or for such a Manor or Lordship (thrée times worth the bond forfeited) to be paid or to be entred vpon by him, by such a day or within so many moneths after he comes to his land. And thus are young heires coozend of their Acres, before they well know where they lye.