The Hawking pamphleter is then bid to put on, whilst his Miscellane Maecenas; opens a booke fairely aparreld in vellom with gilt fillets & fore-penny silke ribbon at least, like little streamers on the top of a Marchpane Castle, hanging dandling by at ye foure corners, the title being superficially suruaide, in the next leafe he sees that the Author hee, hath made him one of his Gossips for the booke carries his worships name, & vnder it stands an Epistle iust the length of a Hench-mans grace before dinner, which is long inough for any booke in conscience, vnlesse the writer be vnreasonable.
The knight being told before hand, that this little sunbeame of Phoebus (shining thus briskly in print) hath his Mite or At my wayting vppon him in the outward court) thankes him for his loue and labour, and considering with himselfe, what cost he hath beene at, and how farre he hath ridden to come to him, he knowes that Patrons and Godfathers, are to pay scot and lot alike, and therefore to cherish his young and tender Muse, he giues him foure or sixe Angells, inuiting him either to stay breakefast, or if the sun-diall of the hou•e points towards eleuen, then to tary dinner.
HOW THE BIRD IS DREST.
BUT the fish being caught (for which our Heliconian Angler threw out his lines) with thankes, and legs and kissing his own hand, he parts. No sooner is he horst, but his Hostler (who all this while walked the iades, and trauailes vp & down with him (like an vnde seruing plaier for halfe a share) askes this question Strawes or not? Strawes cries the whole sharer and a halfe, away then replies the first, flie to our nest: This nest is neuer in the same towne but commonly a mile or two off and it is nothing els but the next Tauerne they come to. But the Uillage into which they rode being not able to maintaine an Iuybush, an Ale-house was their Inne: where aduancing themselues into the fairest Chamber, and beespeaking the best cheere in the towne for dinner, down they sit, & share before they speake of any thing els: That done, he that ventures vpon all he meetes, and discharges the paper Bullets, (for to tell truth, the other serues but as a signe, and is méerely nobody) beginnes to discourse, how he caried himselfe in the action, how he was encountred: how he stood to his tackling and how well hee came off: he cals the Knight, a Noble fellow, yet they both shrug, and laugh, and sweares they are glad they haue Guld him.
More arrowes must they shoote of the same length that this first was off, and therfore there is Trunck ful of Trinckets, thats to say, their budget of Bookes, is opend againe, to see what leafe they are to turne ouer next, which whilst they are dooing, the Ghost that al this space haunted them and hard what they said, hauing excellent, skill in the blacke-art, thats to say in picking of lockes, maks the dore suddenly flye open (which they had closely shut. At his strange entrance they being somwhat agast, began to shuffle away their bookes, but he knowing what cardes they plaide withal, offred to cut, and turnd vp two Knaues by this trick. My maisters (quoth he) I knowe where you haue bin, I know what you haue don, I know what you meane to do, I sée now you are Falconers indeed, but by the (and then he swore a damnable oth) vnlesse you teach me to shoote in this Birding peece, I will raise the Uillage, send for the knight whome you boast you haue guld, and so disgrace you: for your money I care not.
The two Frée-booters seeing themselues smoakd, told their third Brother, he seemd to be a gentleman and a boone companion, they prayed him therefore to sit downe with silence, and sithence dinner was not yet ready, hée should heare all.
This new kinde of Hawking (qd. one of them) which you see vs vse can afford no name vnles•, be at it. viz.
1. He that casts vp the Lure is calld the Falconer.
2 The Lure that is cast vp is an idle Pamphlet.
3. The Tercel Gentle that comes to the Lure, is some knight or some gentle man of like qualitie.
4. The Bird that is preied vpon, is Money.
5. Hee that walkes the horses, and hunts dry foote is cald a Mongrell.
THE FALCONER AND HIS SPANIELL.
THE Falconer hauing scraped together certaine small paringes of witte, he first cuttes them hansomely in pretty peeces, and of those peeces does he patch vppe a booke. This booke he prints at his own charge, the Mongrell running vppe ano downe to look to the workemen, and béaring likewise some parte of the cost, (for which he enters vpon his halfe share) When it is fully finished, the Falconer and his Mongrell, or it may bée two Falconers ioyne in one,) but howsoeuer, it is by them deuised what Shire in England it is best to forrage next: that beeing set downe, the Falconers deale either with a Herauld for a note of all the Knights and Gentlemens names of worth that dwell in that circuit, which they meane to ride, or els by inquiry get the chiefest of them, printing of so many Epistles as they haue names, ye epistles Dedicatory being all one, and vary in nothing but in the titles of their patrons.
Hauing thus furnished themselues and packed vp their wa•es, away they trudge like tinckers, with a budget at one of their backes, or it may be the circle they meane to coniure in shall not be out of London, especially if it be Tearme-time, or when a Parliament is holden (for then they haue choise of sweete-meats to féed vppon. (If a gentleman seeing one of these bookes Dedicated onely to his name, suspect it to be a bastard, that hath more fathers besides himselfe, and to try that, does deferre the Presenter for a day or two, sending in the meane time (as some haue done) into Paules Church-yard amongst the stationers, to inquire if any such worke be come forth, & if they cannot tell, then to steppe to the Printers: Yet haue the Falconers a tricke to goe beyond such Hawkes too, for all they flye so hie. And that is this: The bookes lye all at the Printers, but not one line of an epistle to any of them (those bug-bears lurke in T•ebris) if then the Spy that is sent by his Maister, ask why they haue no dedications to them, Mounsier Printer tels him, the author would not venture to adde any to them all, (sauing onely to that which was giuen to his Maister, vntill it was knowne whether he could accept of it or no.
This sati•es the Patron, this fetches money from him: and this Cozens fiue hundred besides. Nay there bée othere Bird catchers that vse stranger Quaile-pipes: you shal haue fellowes, foure or fiueina contry, that buying vp any old Booke (especially a Sermon, or any other matter of Diuinity) that lies for wast-paper, and is clean forgotten, ad a new-printed Epistle to it, and with an Alphabet of letters which they cary about them, being able to print any mans names (for a Dedication) on the suddaine, trauaile vp and downe most• Shires in Engla¯d, and liue by this Hawking.
Are we not excellent Falconers now (quoth three half shares?) excellent v•laines cryed the deuils Deputy: by this the meate (for dinner came smoaking in, vpon which they f•ll most tirannically, yet (for maners sake) offring first, to the Bali• of Belzebub the vpper end of the table, but he fearing they would make a Hauke or a Buzzard of him too, and report they had ridden him like an Asse, as they had done others, out a doores hee flung with a vengeance as he came.
O sacred Learning why doost thou suffer thy seauen leaued tree, to be plucked by barbarous and most vnhallowed handes? Why is thy beatifull Maiden-body, polluted like a strumpets, and prostituted to beastly and slauish Ignorance? O thou Base-broode, that make the Muses harlots: yet say they are your Mothers? You Theeues of Wit, Cheators of Arte, traitors of schooles of Learning: murderers of Schollers. More worthy you are, to vndergoe the Romane Furca like slaues, and to be brandedith fore-head deeper then they that forge testaments to vndoe Orphants: Such doe but rob children of goods that may be lost: but you rob Schollers of their Fame, which is deerer then life. You are not worth an Inuectiue, not worthy to haue your names dropp out of a deseruing pen, you shall onely bee executed in Picture: (as they vse to handle Malefactors in France) and the picture (though it were drawne to be hang vp in another place) shal leaue you impudently-arroga¯t to yourselues, and ignominiously-ridiculous to after ages: in these collours, are you drawne.
THE TRUE PICTURE OF THESE FALCONERS.
— There be Fellowes
Of course and common bloud; Mechanicke knaues,
Whose wits lye deeper buried then in graues:
; And indeede smell more earthy, whose creation
Was but to giue a Boote or Shooe good fashion.
Yet these (throwing by the Apron and the Awle)
Being drunck with their own wit, cast vp their gall
Onely ofyncke: and in patchd, beggerly Rimes,
(As full of fowle corruption, as the Times)
From towne to towne they s•rowle in soule, as poore
As th’are in clothes: yet these at euery doore,
Their labors Dedicate. But (as at Faires)
Like Pedlars, they shew still one sort of wares
Vnto all commers (with some filde oration)
And thus to giue bookes, now’s an occupation.
One booke hath seauen score patrons: thus desart
Is cheated of her due: thus noble art
Giues Ignorance (that common strumpet) place,
Thus the true schollers name growes cheap & base, &c
IACKS OF THE CLOCK-HOUSE.
A new and cunning drawing of money from Gentlemen.
CHA
THERE is another Fraternitie of wandring Pilgrims who merrily call themselues Iackes of the Clocke-house, and are verry neere allyed to the Falconers that went a Hawking before. The Clarke of Erebus set downe their names too in his Tables, with certain bréefe notes of their practises: and these they are.
The Iacke of a Clocke-house goes vppon Screws, and his office is to do nothing but strike: so does this noise, (for they walke vp and downe like Fi•lers) trauaile with Motions, and whatsoeuer their Motions get them, is called striking.
Those Motions are certaine Collections, or wittie Inuentions, some-times of one thing, and then of an other (there is a new one now in •ime, in praise of the Vnion) And these are fairely written and engrossed in Uell•m, Parcheme•, or Royall paper, richly adorned with compartiments, and set out with letters both in gold and in vations coullo•s.
This labour being taken, the Maister of the Motion hearkens where such a Nobleman, such a Lord, or such a Knight lyes, that is liberall: hauing found one to his liking, The Motion (with his Patrons name fairely texted out, in manner of a Dedication,) is presented before him: he receiues it, and thinking it to be a work onely vndertaken for his sake, is bounteous to the giuer, esteeming him a Scholler, and knowing that not without great trauaile, hee hath drawne so many little •gling streames into so faire and smoothe a Riuer: whereas the Worke is the labour of some other (copied out by stealth) be an impudent ignorant fellow, that runnes vp and downe with the Transcripts, and euery Ale-house may haue one of them (hanging in the basest drinking roome) if they will bee but at the charges of writing it out. Thus the liberallitie of a Nobleman, or of a Gentleman is abused: thus learning is brought into scorne and contempt: Thus men are cheated of their bountie, giuing much for that (out of their free mindes) which is common abroad, and put away for base prices. Thus villanie some-times walkes alone, as if it were giuen to Melancholly, and some-times knaues tie them-selues in a knot, because they may be more merry, as by a mad sort of Comrades whome I see leaping into the Saddle, anon it will apeare.
RANCKE RIDERS,
The manner of Cozening Inn-keepers. Post-maisters and Hackny men.
CHA.
THERE is a troope of Horsemen, that runne vp and downe the whole kingdome, they are euer in a gallop, their businesse is weightie, their iournies many, their expences greate, their Innes rustie where, their lands no where: they haue onely a certaine Fr•e-holde cald Tyborne (scituate neere London, and many a faire paire of Gallowes in other Countries besides,) vppon which they li•e verie poorely fill they dye, and dye for the moste part wickedly, because their liues are villanous and desperate. But what •ce so euer they runne, there they end it there they set vp their rest, there is their last baste, whether soeuer their •ourney lyes. And these horse-men haue no other names but ranck Riders.
To furnish whome foorth for any iourney, they must haue Kiding sutes cut out of these foure peeces.
1 The Inne-kéeper or Hackney-man, of whome they haue horses, is cald A Colt.
2 He that neuer alights off a rich Farmer or country Gentleman, till he haue drawne money from him, is called The Snaffle.
3 The money so gotten, is The Ring
4 He that feedes them with mony is called The prouander.
These Ranck-riders (like Butchers to Rumford market) sildome goe vnder sire or seauen in a company, and these Careeres they fetch. Their pursses being warmly lined with some purchase gotten before, and they the¯selues well booted and spur’d, and in reasonable good outsides, arriue at the fairest Inne they can choose, either in Westminster, the Strand, the Cittie, or the Suburbes. Two of them who haue cloathes of purpose to fitte the play, carrying the shew of Gentlemen: the other a• their partes in blew coates, as they were their Seruingmen, though indeede they be all fellowes. They enter all durted or dustied (according as it shall please the high way to vse them) and the first bridle they put into the Colts mouth (thats to say the Inkeepers) is at their comming in to asks alowde if the footeman begone backe with the horses? tis answered yes, Heere, the Ranck-riders lye three or foure daies, spending moderately enough, yet aabating not a penny of any reckoning to shew of what house they came: in wt space their counterfeit followers learne what country-man the maister of the house is, where the Hostlars and Chamberlaines were borne, and what other countrie Gentlemen are guests to the Inne? which lessons being presently gotten by heart, they fal in studdy with the Generall rules of their knauerie: and those are, first to giue out, that their Maister is a Gentleman of such and such meanes, in such a shire (which shall be sure to stand farre enough from those places where any of the house, or of other guests were borne,) that hee is come to receiue so many hundred poundes vppon land which he hath solde, and that hee meanes to Inne there some quarter of a yeare at least.
This Brasse money passing for currant through the house, hée is more obserued and better attended, is worshipped at euerie word: and the easier to breake and bridle the Colt, his Worship will not sit downe to Dinner or supper, till the Maister of the house be placed at the vpper end of the boord by him.
In the middle of Supper, or else verie earely in the following morning, comes in a counterfeit footeman, sweatingly, deliuering a message that such a Knight hath sent for the head-Maister of these Rancke-ryders, and that hee must bee with him by such an houre, the iourney being not aboue twelue or foureteene miles. Upon deliuerie of this message: (from so deere and noble a friend) he sweares and chafes, because all his horses are out of Towne, curseth the sending of them backe, offers any money to haue himselfe, his couzen with him, and his me¯ but reasonably horst. Mine host being a credulous Asse, suffers them all to get vppe vpon him, for hee prouides them horses either of his owne (thinking his Guest to be a man of great accompte; and beeing loath to loose him, because hee spends well) or else sendes out to hire them of his neighbours, passing his word for their forthcomming with in a day or two, Up they get and away Gallopour Ranck-riders, as far as the poore Iades can carry them.
The two daies being ambled out of the worlde, and perhaps three more after them, yet neither a supply of Horse-men or Foote-men, (as was promised) to be set eye vppon. The lamentable In-keeper (or Hac•ney man, if he chance to be Sadled for this iourney too) loose their Colts teeth, and finde that they are made olde arrant Iades: Search, then runnes vp and downe like a Constable halfe out of his wittes (vppon a Shroue-tuesday) and hue and cry followes after, some twelue or foureteene miles off, (round about London) which was the farthest of their iourney as they gaue out. But (alas!) the horses are at pasture foure score or a hundred miles from their olde mangers: they were sould at some blinde drunken theeuish faire, (there beeing enow of them in company to saue themselues, by their Toll-booke,) the Seruing-men cast off their blew-coates, and cried All fellowes: the money is spent vpon wine, vpon whores, vpon fidlers, vpo¯ fooles (by whom they wil loose nothing) and the tyde beeing at an ebbe, they are as ready to practise their skill in horse-manship to bring Colte
s to the saddle in that Towne, and to make Nags run a race of three-score or a hundred miles of from that place, as before they did from London.
RUNNING AT THE RING.
THUS, solong as Horseflesh can make them fat, they neuer leaue feeding. But when they haue beaten so many high-waies in seuerall countries, that they feare to be ouer-taken by Tracers, then (like Soldiers comming from a Breach) they march faire & softly on foot, lying in garrison as it were, close in some out townes, til the foule Rumor of their Uillanies (like a stormy durty winter) be blown ouer: In which time of lurking in ye shel, they are not idle neither, but like snailes they venture abroad tho the law hath threatned to rain down neuer so much puuish•t vpon them: and what do they? they are not bees, to liue by their owne painfull labors, but Drones that must eat vp the sweetnesse, and be fedde with the earnings of others: This therefore is their worke. They carelesly inquire what gentleman of worth, or what rich Farmers dwell within fiue, six or seauen miles of the Fort where they are (which they may do without suspition) and hauing go•te their names, they single out themselues in a morning, and each man takes a seuerall path to himselfe: one goes East, one West, one North, and the other South: walking either in bootes with wandes in their handes, or otherwise, for it is all to one purpose. And note this by the way, that when they trauell thus on foot, they are no more call’d Ranck-riders but Strowlers, a proper name giuen to Country plaiers, that (without Socks) trotte from towne to towne vpon the hard hoofe.
Being arriu’d at the Gate where the Gentleman or Farmer dwelleth, he boldly knocke, inquiring for him by name, and steppes in to speake with him: the seruant séeing a fashionable person, tells his Maister there is a Gentleman desires to speake with him: the maister come and salutes him, but eying him well, saies he does not know him: No Sir, replies the other (with a face bolde ynough) it may be so, but I pray you Sir, will you walke aturne or two in your Orchard or Garden, I would there conferre: Hauing got him thether, to this tune he plaies vppon him.
Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker Page 235