Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  HOW THE SNAFFLE IS PUT ON

  SIR, I am a Gentleman, borne to better meanes then my present fortunes doe allow me: I serued in the field, and had commaunde there, But long peace (you knowe Sir) is the Cancker that eates vp Sould•ers, and so it hath mee. I lie heere not far off, in the Country at mine Inn•, where staying vppon the dispatch of some businesse, I am indebted to the house in m•neys, so that I cannot with the credit of a Gentleman leaue toe house till I haue paide them. Make mee sir so much beholden to your loue as to lend me fortye or fiftie shilings to beare my horse and my selfe to London, from whence within a day or two, I shall send you many thanks with a faithful repayment of your curtesie.

  The honest Gentleman, or the good natur’d Farmer beholding a personable man, fashionably attit’d, and not carrying in outward coullors, the face of a cogging knaue giues credit to his words, are forty that they are not at this present time so well furnished as they could wish, but if a matter of twenty shillings can stead him, he shall commaund it, because it were pi•tie any honest Gentleman should for so small a matter mistarry. Happilye they meete with some Chap-men that giue them their owne asking; but howsoeuer, all is fish that comes to net, they are the most conscionable market folkes that euer rode betweene two paniers, for from fortie they will fall to twentie, from twenty to ten, from ten to fiue: nay these mountibanckes are so base, that they are not ashamed to take two shillings of a plaine husbandman, and sometimes sixe pence (which the other giues simply and honestly) of whome they demaunded a whole fifteene.

  In this mann•r doe they digge siluer out of mens purses, all the day, and at night meet together at the appointed Rendeuouz, where all these Snaffles are loosed to their full length, the Ringes which that day they haue made are worne. The Prouender is praised or dispraised, as they finde it in goodnesse, but it goes downe all, whilst they laugh at all.

  And thus does a Common-wealth bring vp children, that care not how they discredit her, or vndoe her: who would imagine that Birdes so faire in shewe, and so sweete in voice, should be so dangerous in condition? but Ra•ens thinke carryon the daintiest meate, and villains estéeme most of that mony which is purchast by basenes.

  The Under Shriffe for the county of the Cacodemo¯s, knowing into what arrerages these Rank-tiders were runne for horse-flesh to his maister, (of whome he farmed the office) sent out his writs to attach them, and so narrowly pursued the¯, that for all they were wel horst, some he sent post to the gallowes, and the rest to seuerall iayles: After which, making all the hast he posibly could to get to London againe, he was way-layd by an army of a strange & new found people.

  MOONE MEN.

  A discouery of a strange wild people, very dangerous to townes and country villages.

  CHAP. VIII.

  A Moone-man signifies in English, a mad-man, because the Moone hath greatest domination (aboue any other Planet) ouer the bodies of Frantick persons. But these Moone-men (whose Images are now to be carued) are neither absolutely mad, not yet perfectely in their wits) Their name they borrow from the Moone, because as the Moone is neuer in one shape two nights together, but wanders vp & downe Heauen, like an Anticke, so these changeable-stuffe-companions neuer tary one day in a place, but are the onely, and the onely base Ronnagats vpon earth. And as in the Moone there is a man, that neuer stirres without a bush of thornes at his backe, so these Moone-men lie vnder bushes, & are indéed no better then Hedge creepers.

  They are a people more scattred then Iewes, and more hated: beggerly in apparell, barbarous in condition, beastly in behauior: and bloudy if they meete adua¯tage. A man that sees them would sweare they ha• all the yellow Iawndis, or that they were Tawny Moores bastardes, for no Red-oaker man caries a face of a more filthy complexion, yet are they not borne so, neither has the Sunne burnt them so, but they are painted so, yet they are not good painters neither: for they do not make faces, but marre faces. By a by name they are called Gipsies, they call themselues Egiptians, others in mockery call them Moone-men.

  If they be Egiptians, sure I am they neuer discended from the tribes of any of those people that came out of the Land of Egypt: Ptolomy (King of the Egiptians) I warrant neuer called them his Subiects: no nor Pharao before him. Looke what difference there is betwéene a ciuell cittizen of Dublin & a wilde Irish Kerne, so much difference there is betwéene one of these counterfeit Egiptians and a true English Begger. An English Roague is iust of the same liuery.

  They are commonly an army about foure-score cong, yet they neuer march with all their bagges and baggages together, but (like boot-halers) they forrage vp and downe countries, 4. 5. 026. in a company. As the swizer has his wench and his Cocke with him whe¯ he goes to the warres, so these vagabonds haue their harlots with a number of litle children following at their héeles: which young brood of Beggers, are sometimes caried (like so many gréene geese aliue to a market) in payres of panieres, or in dossers like fresh-fish from Rye ye comes on horsebacke, (if they be but infants.) But if they can stradle once, then aswell the shee-roagues as the hee-roagues are horst, seauen or eight vpon one iade, strongly pineond, and strangely tyed together.

  One Shire alone & no more is sure stil at one time, to haue these Egiptian lice swarming within it, for like flockes of wild-géese, they will euermore fly one after another: let them be scattred worse then the quarters of a traitor are after hées hang’d drawne and quartred, yet they haue a tricke (like water cut with a swoord) to come together instantly and easily againe: and this is their pollicy, which way soeuer theformost• anckes lead, they sticke vp small boughes in seuerall places, to euery village where they passe, which serue as ensignes to waft on the rest.

  Their apparell is od, and phantasticke, tho it be neuer so full of rents: the men weare scarses of Callico, or any other base stuffe, hanging their bodies like Morris-dancers, with bels, & other toyes, to intice the cou¯trey people to flocke about them, and to wounder at their fooleries or rather rancke knaueryes. The women as ridiculously attire them-selues, and (like one that plaies, the Roague on a Stage) weare rags, and patched filthy mantles vpermost, when the vnder garments are hansome and in fashion.

  The battailes these Out-lawes make, are many and very bloudy. Whosoeuer falles into their hands neuer escapes aliue, & so cruell they are in these murders, that nothing can satisfie the¯ but the very heart bloud of those whom they kill. And who are they (thinke you) that thus go to the pot? Alasse! Innocent Lambs, Shéep, Calues, Pigges, &c. Poultrie-ware are more churlishly handled by them, the¯ poore prisoners are by kéepers in the counter it’h Poultry. A goose comming amongst them learnes to be wise, that hee neuer wil be Goose any more. The bloudy tragedies of al these, are only acted by ye Wome¯, who carrying long kniues or Skeanes vnder their mantles, do thus play their parts: The Stage is some large Heath: or a Firre bush Common, far from any houses: Upo¯ which casting them-selues into a King, they inclose the Murdered, till the Massacre be finished. If any passenger come by, and wondring to sée such a co¯iuring circle kept by Hel-hou¯des, demaund what spirits they raise there? one of the Murderers steps to him, poysons him sweete wordes and shifts him off, with this lye, ye one of the womé is falne in labour. But if any mad H•let hearing this, smell villanie, & rush in by violence to sée what the taw•y Diuels are dooing: the¯ they excuse the fact, lay the blame on those that are the Actors, & perhaps (if they see no reme•e) deliuer them to an officer, to be had to punishment: But by the way a rescue is utely laid and very valiantl• (tho very villanously) do they fetch them off, a guard them.

  The Cabbines where these Land-pyrates lodge in the night, are the Out-ba•es of Farmers & Husband-men, (in some poore Uillage or other) who dare not deny them, for feare they should ere morning haue their thatched houses burning about their eares: inthese Ba•nes, are hoth their Cooke-roomes, their Supping P•ors and their Bed-chambers: for there they dresse after a beastly manner: what soeuer they purchast after a théeu•h fashion: sometimes they eate Uenison, & haue Grey houndes that kill it for the¯, but if they had not,
they are Houndes them-selues & are damnable Hunters after flesh: Which appeares by their vgly-fac’d queanes that follow them: with whom in these barnes they lie, as Swine do together in Hogsties.

  These Barnes are the beds of Incests, Whoredomes Adulteries, & of all other blacke and deadly-damned Impi•ies; here growes the Cursed Tree of Bastardie, that is so fruitfull: here are writte¯ the Bookes of al Blasphemies, Swearings & Curses, yt are so dreadfull to be read. Yet the simple country people will come running out of their houses to gaze vpo¯ them whilst in the meane time one steales into the next Roome, and brings away whatsoeuer hee can lay hold on. Upon daies of pastime & libertie, they Spred them-selues in smal companies amo¯gst the Uillages: and when young maids & batchelers (yea sometimes old doting fooles, that should be beate¯ to this world of villanies, & forewarn others) do flock about the¯, they then professe shil in Palmestry, & (forsooth) can tel fortunes which for the most part are infallibly true, by reason that they worke vppon rules, which are grou¯ded vpon certainty: for one of them wil tel you that you shal shortly haue some euill luck fal vpon you, & within halfe an houre after you shal find your pocket pick’d, or your purse cut. These are those Egiptian Grashoppers that eate vp the fruites of the Earth, and destroy the poore corne fieldes: to sweepe whose swarmes out of this kingdome, there are no other meanes but the sharpnes of the most infamous & basest kinds of punishment. For if the vgly body of this Monster be suffred to grow & fatten it selfe with mischiefs and disorder, it will haue a neck so Sine •y & so brawny, that the arme of ye law will haue much ado to strike of ye Head, sithence euery day the me¯bers of it increase & it gathers new ioints & new forces by Priggers, Anglers, Cheators, Morts, Yeomens Daughters (that haue taken some by blowes, & to auoid shame, fall into their Sinnes: and other Seruants both men & maides that haue beene pil•erers, with al the rest of that Damned Regiment, marching together in ye first Army of the Bell-man, who running away from theyr own Coulours (wt are bad ynough) serue vnder these, being the worst. Lucifers Lansprizado that stood aloof to behold the mustrings of these Hell-hou¯ds took delight to see them Double their Fyles so nimbly, but held it no pollicy to come neere the¯ (for the Diuell him-selfe durst scarce haue done that.) Away therefore hee gallops, knowing that at one time or other they would all come to fetch their pay in Hell.

  THE INFECTION

  Of the Suburbs.

  CHAP. IX.

  THE Infernall Promoter béeing wearied we riding vp & downe the Country, was glad when he had gotten the Citty ouer his head, but the Citty being not able to hold him within the freedome, because he was a Forreiner, the gates were sette wide open for him to passe through, & into the Suburbes hee went. And what saw hee there? More Ale-houses than there are auernes in all Spayne & Fran•e Are they so dry in the Suburb•? Yes, pockily dry. What saw he besides?

  Hée saw the dores of notorious Carted Bawdes, (like Hell gates) stand night and day wide open, with a paire of Harlots in Taffata gownes (like two painted posts) garnishing out those dores, beeing better to the house then a Double signe: when the dore of a poore Artificer (if his child had died but one Toke¯ of death about him) was close ram’d vp and Guarded for seare others should haue beene infected: Yet the plague that a Whore-house layes vpo¯ a Citty is worse, yet is laughed at •f not laugh ed at, yet not look’d into, or if look’d into, Wincked at.

  The Trades•an hauing his house lockd vp, looseth his customers, is put from worke and vndone: whilst in the meane time the strumpet is set on worke and maintain’d (perhaps) by those that vndee the other: giue thankes O wide mouth’d Hell! laugh Lucifer at this Dance for ioy all you Diuells.

  Belz. b•b keepes the Register booke, of al ye Bawdes, Panders & Curtizans: & hee knowes, that these Subutb sinners haue nolandes to liue vpon but their legges: euery prentice passing by them, can say, There sits a whore: Without putting them to their booke, they will sweare so much themselues: if so, are not Counstables, Church-wardens, Bayliffes, Beadels & other Officers, Pillars and Pillowes to all the villanies, that are by these committed? Are they not parcell-Bawdes to winck at such damned abuses, considering they haue whippes in their owne handes, and may draw bloud if they please? Is not the Land-lord of such rentes the Graund-Bawde? •f the Dore Kéeping mistresse of such a house of sinne, but his Under-Bawd? sithence hee takes twenty pounds euery year•, for a vaulting schoole (which fro¯ no Artificer liuing by the hardnesse of the hand could bee worth fiue pound.) And that twenty pound rent, hé knowes must bée prest out of petticoates:) his money smells of sin: the very siluer lookes pale, because it was earned by lust.

  How happy therefore were Citties if they had no Suburbes, sithence they serue but as caues, where monsters are bred vp to deuowre the Citties them-selues? Would the Diuell hire a villaine to spil bloud? there he shall finde him. One to blaspheme? there he hath choice. A Pandar that would court a matron at her praiers? hées there. A cheator that would turne his owne father a begging? Hées there too: A harlot that would murder her newborne Infant? Shée lies in there.

  What a wretched wombe hath a strumpet, which being (for the most part) barren of Children, is notwithsta¯ding the onely Bedde that breedes vp these serpents? vpo¯ that one stalke grow all these mischiefes. Shee is the Cockatrice that hatcheth all these egges of euills. When the Diuell takes the Anatomy of all da¯nable sinnes, he lookes onely vpon her body. Whe she dies, he sits as her Coroner. When her soule comes to hell, all shunne that there, as they flie from a body struck with the plague here. She hath her dore-kéeper, and she herselfe is the Diuells cha¯ber-maide. And yet for all this, that shée’s so dangerous and detestable, when she hath croak’d like a Raue¯ on the Eues, then comes she into the house like a Doue. When her villanies (like the mote about a castle) are rancke, thicke, and muddy, with standing long together, then (to purge herself) is she dreind out of the Suburbes (as though her corruption were there left behind her (and) a• a cleere streame) is let into the Citty.

  WHAT ARMOR A HARLOT WEARES COMMING OUT OF THE SUBURBES TO BESIEGE THE CITTY WITHIN THE WALS.

  VPON what perch then does she sit? what part plaies the then? onely the Puritane. If before she ruffled in silkes, now is she more ciuilly attird then a Mid-wife. I• before she swaggred in Tauernes, now with the Snaile she stirrethnot out of dores. And where must her lodging be take¯ vp, but in the house of some citt•, whose known reputation, she borrowes (or rather steales) putting it on as a cloake to couer her deformities. Yet eue¯ in that, hath she an art too, for he shalbe of such a profession, that all co¯mers may enter, without the da¯ger of any eyes to watch the¯. As for example she wil lie in some Scriueners house, & so vnder the collour of comming to haue a Bond made, she herselfe may write Noue int vniuersi. And the the law th•eaten to hit her neuer so often, yet hath she subtile defences to ward off the blowes. For, if Gallants hau¯t the house, then spreds she these collours: she is a captaine or a lieutena¯ts wife in the Low-cou¯tries, & they come with letters, from the souldier her husband. If Marchants resort to her, then hoistes she vp these sayles, she is wife to the Maister of a shippe, & they bring newes yt her husba¯d put in at the Straytes, or at Venice, at Aleppo, Alexandria, or Scanderoon, &c. if shop keepers come to her, with what do you lack in their mouthes, the¯ she takes vp such & such commodities, to send them to Rye, to Bristow, to Yorke, &c where her husband dwells. But if the streame of her fortunes runne low, and that none but Apronmen lanch forth there, then keepes she a pollitick tempsters, shop, or she starches them.

  Perhaps shee is so pollitick, that none shalbe noted to board her: if so, then she sailes vpo¯ these points of the co¯passe: so soone as euer she is rig’d, and all her furniture on, forth she lancheth into those streetes that are most freque¯ted: where the first man that she meetes of her acquaintance, shal (without much pulling) get her into a Tauerne: out of him she kisses a breakefast & then leaues him: the next she meetes, does vpon as easie pullies, draw her to a Tauerne againe, out of him she cogs a dinner, & then leaues him: the third man, squires her to a play,
wt being ended, & the wine offred & taken (for she’s no Recusant, to refuse any thing) him she leaues too: and being set vpon by a fourth, him she answers at his own weapo¯, sups with him, & drincks Vpsie Freeze, til the clok striking Twelue, and the Drawers being drowzy, away they march arme in arme, being at euery foot-step fearful to be set vpo¯ by the Band of Halberdiers, that lie scowting in rug gownes to cut of such mid-night straglers. But the word being giuen, & who goes there, with come before the Constable, being shot at them, they vaile presently & come, she taking vpon her to answer al the Bil-men and their Leader, Betweene whome & her, suppose you heare this sleepy Dialogue. where haue you bin so late? at supper forsooth with my vncle here (if he be wel bearded) or with my brother (if the haire bee but budding forth) and he is bringing me home. Are you married? yes forsooth: whats your husband? such a Noble-mans man, or such a Iustices clarke, (And then names some Alderman of London, to whom she perswades herselfe, one or other of the bench of browne billes are beholding) where lye you? At such a mans house: Sic tenues euanescit in Auras: and thus by stopping the Constables muoth with sugar-plummes (thats to say,) whilst she poisons him with sweete wordes, the punck vanisheth. O Lanthorne and Candle-light, how art thou made a blinde Asse? because thou hast but one eye to see withall: Be not so guld, bee not so dull in vnderstanding: do thou but follow aloofe, those two tame Pigeons, & thou shalt finde, that her new Vncle lies by it al that night, to make his kinse-woman on of mine Aunts: or if shee bee not in trauell all night, they spend some halfe an houre together, but what doe they? marry, they doe that, which the Constable should haue done for them both in the streetes thats to say commit, commit,

  You Guardians ouer so great a Princesse as the eldest daughter of King Brutus: you twice twelue fathers and gouernours ouer the Noblest Cittie, why are you so careful to plant Trees to beautifie your outward walks, yet suffer the goodliest garden (within) to be ouer-run with stincking wéedes? You are the proining kniues that should loppe off such idle, such vnprofitable and such destroying branches from the Uine: The beames of your Authoritie should purge the ayre of such infection: your breath of Iustice should scatter those foggy vapors, and driue them out of your gates as cha•e tossed abroad by the windes.