Complete Dramatic Works of Thomas Dekker

by Thomas Dekker

  If we beg Bacon, Butter-milke or bread,

  Or Pottage, to the hedge he bids vs hie,

  Or sweares (by this light) ith stocks we shall lie.

  The Deuill haunt the Constables ghoast,

  If we rob but a Booth, we are whipt at a poast.

  If an Ale-house we rob, or be tane with a Whore,

  Or cut a purse that has iust a penny and no more,

  Or come but stealing in at a Gentlemans dore,

  To the Iustice straight we goe,

  And then to the Iayle to be shackled: And so,

  To be hangd on the gallowes ith day time: the pox

  And the Deuill take the Constable and his stocks.

  We haue Canted (I feare) too much, let vs now giue eare to the Bel-man, and heare what he speaks in english.

  THE BEL-MANS SECOND NIGHTS WALKE. CHAP. II.

  IT was Terme time in hell (for you must vnderstand, a Lawyer liues there aswell as héere:) by which meanes don Lucifer (being the iustice for that Countie, where the Brimstone mines are) had better dooings and more rapping at his gates, then all the Doctors and unpericall Quack-saluers of ten Cities haue at theirs in a great plague time. The hall where these Termers were to try their causes, was very large and strongly built, but it had one fault, it was so hot that people could not indure to walk there: Yet to walke there they were compelled, by reason they were drawne thither vpon orcasions, and such iustling there was of one another, that it would haue grieued any man to be in the thronges amongst me. Nothing could be heard but noise, and nothing of that noise be vnderstood, but that it was a sound, as of men in a kingdome, when on a sodaine it is in an vprore. Euery one brabled with him that he walked with, or if hée did but tell his tale to his Councell, heè was so eager in the very deliuery of that tale, that you would haue sworne hée did brabble: and such gnashing of téeth there was when aduersaries met together, that the fyling of ten thousand Sawes cannot yéeld a sound more horrible. The Iudge of the Court had a diuelish countenance, and as cruell he was in punishingthose that were condemned by Lawe, as he was crabbed in his lookes, whilst he sat to heare their tryals.

  But albeit there was no pittie to be expected at his hands, yet was hée so vpright in iustice, that none could euer fasten bribe vpon him, for hée was ready and willing to heare the cryes of all commers. Neither durst any Pleader (at the infernall Barre) or any officer of the Court, exact any Fée of Plaintiffes, and such as complained of wrongs and were opprest: but onely they paide that were the wrong dooers, those would they sée dambd ere they should get out of their fingers, such fellowes they were appointed to vexe at the very soule.

  The matters that here were put in sute, were more then could be bred in twentie Vacations, yet should a man be dispached out of hand. In one Terme hée had his Iudgement, for heare they neuer stand vpon Returnes, but presently come to Triall. The causes decided here are many; the Clients that complaine many; the Counsellors (that plead till they be hoarse,) many; the Attornies (that runne vp and downe,) infinite; the Clarkes of the Court, not to be numbred. All these haue their hands full; day and night are they so plagued with the bawling of Clients, that they neuer can rest.

  The Inck where-with they write, is the blood of Coniurers: they haue no Paper, but all things are engrossed in Parchment, and that Parchment is made of Scriueners skinnes flead off, after they haue béene punished for Forgerie: their Standishes are the Seuls of Vsurers: their Pennes, the bones of vnconscionable Brokers, and hard-hearted Creditors, that haue made dice of other mens bones, or else of periured Excecutors and blind Ouer-séeers, that haue eaten vp Widdowes and Orphanes to the bare bones: and those Pennes are made of purpose without Nebs, because they may cast Incke but slowly, in mockery of those, who in their life time were slowe in yéelding drops of pitty.

  Would you know what actions are tried here? I will but turne ouer the Recordes, and read them vnto you as they hang vpon the Fyle.

  The Courtier is sued héere, and condemned for Ryots.

  The Soldier is sued héere, and condemned for murders.

  The Scholler is sued héere, & condemned for Heresies.

  The Citizen is sued héere, and condemned for the Citiesinnes.

  The Farmer is suedchéere vpon Penal Statutes, and condemned for spoyling the Markets.

  Actions of batterie are brought against Swaggerers, and héere they are bound to the peace.

  Actions of Waste are brought against Drunkards and Epicures, and héere they are condemned to begge at the Grate for one drop of colde water to coole their tongues, or one crum of breade to stay their hunger, yet are they denyed it.

  Harlots haue processe sued vpon them héere, and are condemned to Howling, to Rottennesse and to Stench. No Actes of Parliament that haue passed the Vpperhouse, can be broken, but here the breach is punished, and that seuerely, and that suddenly: For here they stand vpon no demurres; no Audita Queraela can héere be gotten, no writs of Errores to Reuerse Iudgement: héere is no flying to a court of Chancery for reléef, yet euerie one that comes hether is serued with a Sub-poena. No, they deale altogether in this Court vpon the Habeas Corpus, vpon the Capias, vpon the Ne exeat Regnum, vpon Rebellion, vpon heauie Fines (but no Recoueries) vpon writs of Out-lary, to attache the body for euer, and last of all vpon Executions after Iudgement, which being serued vpon a man is his euerlasting vndoing.

  Such are the Customes and courses of procéedings in the Offices belonging to the Prince of Darknesse. These hot dooings hath hée in his Terme-times. But vpon a day when a great matter was to be tryed betwéene an Englishman and a Dutchman, which of the two were the fowlest Drinkers, and the case being a long time in arguing, by reason that strong euidence came in réeling on both sides, (yet it was thought that the English-man would carry it away, and cast the Dutchman) on a sodaine all was staid by the sound of a horne that was heard at the lower end of the Hall. And euery one looking back (as wondring at the strangenes) roome, roome, was cryed and made through the thickest of the crowde, for a certain Spirit, in the likenesse of a Post, who made away on a little leane Nagge vp to the Bench where indge Radamanth with his two grime Brothers (Minos and Aecus) sat. This Spirit was an intelligencer sent by Belzebub of Batharum, into some Countries of christendome, to lye there as a Spie, and had brought with him a packet of letters from seuerall Leigiers that lay in those Countries, for the seruice of the Tartarian, their Lord and Maister. Which packet being opened, all the Letters (because they concerned the generall good and state of those low Countries in Hell) were publikely reade. The contents of that Letter that stung most, and put them all out of their law cases, tended to this purpose.

  That whereas she Lord of the Fiery Lakes had his Ministers in all kingdomes aboue the earth, whose Offices were not onely to win the subiects of other Princes to his obadience, but also to giue notice when any of his owne sworne houshold, or any other that held league with him should reuolt or flie from their allegiance: also discouer from time to time all plots, conspiracies, machinations, or vnderminings, that should be laid (albeit they that durst lay them should digge déepe inough) to blow vp his great Infernall Citie: so that if his Horned Regiment were not sodainely mustred together, and did not ••stely bestirre their clouen stumps, his territories would be shaken, his dominions left in time vnpeopled, his forces looked into, and his authoritie which he held in the world, contemned and laughed to scorne. The reason was, that a certaine fellow. The Childe of Darkenesse, a common Night-walker, a man that had no man to waite vponhim but onely a Dogge, one that was a disordered person, and at midnight would beate at mens doores, bidding them (in meere mockerie) to looke to their candles, when they themselues were in their dead sleepes: and albeit hee was an Officer, yet hee was but of Light-carriage, being knowne by the name of the Bel-man of London, had of late not onely drawne a number of the Deuils owne kindred into question for their liues, but had also (onely by the help of the lanthorn & candle) lookt into the serrets of the best trades that are taught in hell, laying them open to the broad eye of th
e world, making them infamous, odious, and ridiculous: yea, and not satisfied with dooing this wrong to his diuelship, very spitefullie hath hée set them out in print, drawing their pictures so to the life, that now a horse-stealer shall not shew his head, but a hailter with the Hang-mans noose is ready to be fastned about it: A Foyst, nor a Nip shall not walke into a Fayre or a Play-house, but euerie tracke will cry, looke to your purses: nor a poore common Rogue come to a mans doore, but he shall be examined if hée can cant. If this Baulling fellow therefore haue not his mouth stop’d, she light Angels that are coynd below, will neuer be able to passe as they haue done, but be naild vp for counterfeits, Hell will haue no dooings, and the deuill be no body.

  This was the lyking of the Letter, and this Letter draue them all to a Non-plus, because they knew not how to answere it. But at last aduice was taken, the Court brake vp, the Tearme was adiournd, (by reason that the Hell houndes were thus Plagu’d) & a common counsell in hell was presently called how to redresse these abuses.

  The Sathanicall Sinagogue being set, vp startes the Father of Hell and damnation, and looking verie terribly, with apaire of eies that stared as wide as the mouth gapes at Bishops-gate, fetching foure or fiue déep sighes (which were nothing else but the Smoke of fire & brimstone boyling in his stomacke, and shewed as if hée were taking Tobacco, which be oftentimes does) tolde his children & seruants (and the rest of the citizens that dwelt within the freedome of Hell, and sat there before him vpon narrow low formes) that they neuer had more cause to lay their heads together, and to grow politicians. Hée and they all knew that from the corners of the earth, some did euery houre in a day créepe forth, to come and serue him: yea, that many thousands were so bewitched with his fauours, and his rare parts, that they would come running quick to him: his dominions (he said) were great, and ful of people, Emperors, and Kings, (in infinit number) were his slaues, his court was full of Princes, if the world were denided (as some report) but into thrée parts, two of those thrée were his: or if (as others affirme) into foure parts, almost thrée of that foure hée had firme footing in.

  But if such a fellow as a treble voic’d Bel-man, should be suffer to pry into the infernall Misteries, & into those blacke Acts which command the spirits of the Déepe, and hauing sucked what knowledge he can from them, to turn it all into poison, and to spit it in the very faces of the professors, with a malicious intent to make them appeare vgly, and so to grow hatefull and out of fauour with the world, if such a coniurer at midnight should dance in their circles, and not be driuen out of them, Hell in a few yéers would not be worth the dwelling in. The great Lord of Limbo did therefore command all his blacke guard that stood about him, to bestirre them in their places, and to defend the court wherein they liued: threatning (besides) that his curse, and all the plagues of stincking Hell should fall vpon his officers, seruants, and subiects, vnlesse they either aduiz’d him, how, or take some spéedie order themselues to punish that saucie intelligencer, the Bel-man of London. Thus hée spake, and then sat downe.

  At last, a foolish Diuell rose vp, and shot the bolt of his aduice, which flew thus farre: That the Black-dogge of New-gate should againe be let loose, and a farre off, follow the Bauling Bel-man, to watch into what places hée went, and what déedes of darkenesse (euerie night) hée did. Hinc risus! The whole Synodicall assembly, fell a laughing at this Wise-acre, so that neither he, nor his blacke Dogge durst barke any more.

  Another, thinking to cleaue the very pinne with his arrow, drew it home to the head of Wisdome (as he imagined) and yet that lighted wide too. But thus shot his counsell, that the Ghosts of all those Théeues, Cheaters, and others of that damned crew, (who by the Bel-mans discouerie, had béene betraied, were taken and sent westward) should be fetched from those fields of Horror, where euery night they walke, disputing with Doctor Story, who kéepes them company there in his corner Cap: and that those wry neckt spirits should haue charge giuen them to haunt the Bel-man in his walkes, and so fright him out of his wits. The Diuell for all his roaring went away neither with a Plaudite, nor with a hisse. Others stept vp, some pronouncing one verdict, some another: But at the last, it being put into their Diulish heads, that they had no power ouer him further then what should be giuen vnto them, it was concluded and set downe as a rule in Court, that some one strange Spirit, who could transport himselfe into all shapes, should be sent vp to London, and scorning to take reuenge vpon so meane a person as a Bel-ringer, should thrust himselfe into such companyes (as in a warrant to be signed for that purpose) should be nominated: and being once growne familiar with them, hée was to worke and win them by all possible meanes to fight vnder the dismall and blacke colours of the Grand Sophy (his Lord and Maister) the fruit that was to grow vpon this trée of euill, would be great, for it should be fit to be serued vp to Don Lucifers Table, as a new banquetting Dish, sithence all his other meates, (though they fatted him well) were growne stale.

  Hereupon Parmersiell the Messenger was called, a Pasport was drawne, signed, and deliuered to him, with certaine instructions how to carry himselfe in his trauell. And thus much was openly spoken to him by word of mouth.

  Flye Pamersiel with spéede to the great and populous citie in the West: winde thy selfe into all shapes: be a Dogge (to •awne,) a Dragon (to confound,) be a Doue (séeme innocent,) be a Deuill (as thou art,) and shew that thou art a Iorniman to hel. Build rather thynest amongst willowes that bend euerie way, then on tops of Oakes, whose hearts are hard to be broken: Fly with the Swallow, close to the earth, when stormes are at hand, but kéepe company with Birdes of greater tallants, when the weather is cléere, and neuer leaue them till they looke like Rauens: créepe into bosomes that are buttond vp in sattin and there spred the wings of thine infection: make euerie head thy pillow to leane vpon, or vse it like a Mill, onely to grinde mischiefe. If thou méetst a Dutchman, drinke with him: if a Frenchman, stab: if a Spaniard, betray: if an Italian poyson: if an Englishman doe all this.

  Haunt Tauerns, there thou shalt finde prodigalls: pay thy two-pence to a Player, in his gallerie maist thou sit by a Harlot: at Ordinaries maist thou dine with filken fooles: when the day steales out of the world, thou shalt méete rich drunkards, vnder welted gownes search for thréescore in the hundred, hugge those golden villaines, they shine bright, & will make a good shew in hell, shricke with a cricket in the brew-house, and watch how they coniure there: Ride vp and downe Smith-field, and play the Iade there: Visit prisons, and teach Iaylors how to make nets of Iron there: binde thy selfe Prentice to the best trades: but if thou canst grow extreame ritch in a very short time (honestly) I banish thée my kingdome, come no more into hell, I haue red thée a lecture, follow it, farewell.

  No sooner was farewell spoken, but the spirit to whom all these matters were giuen in charge, vanished: the clouen footed Orator arose, and the whole assembly went about their damnable businesse.

  GUL-GROPING. HOW GENTLEMEN ARE CHEATED AT ORDINARIES. CHAP. III.

  THE Diuels foote-man was very nimble of his héeles (for no wilde-Irish man could out-runne him, and therefore in a few houres, was hée come vp to London: the miles betwéene Hell and any place vpon earth, being shorter then those betwéene London and Saint Albones, to any man that trauels from hence thither, or to any Lacky that comes from thence hether, on the Deuils errands: but to any other poore soule, that dwells in those low countries, they are neuer at an end, and by him are not possible to be measured.

  No sooner was hée entred into the Citie, but hée met with one of his Maisters daughters, called Pride, drest like a Marchants wife, who taking acquaintance of him, and vnderstanding for what he came, tolde him, that the first thing hée was to doe, hée must put himselfe in good cloathes, such as were sutable to the fashion of the time, for that here, men were look’d vpon onely for their out-sides: he that had not ten-pounds-worth of wares in his shop, would carry twentie markes on his backe: that there were a number of sumpter-horses in the citie, who cared not how coursely they fed, so they might were gay trappings: yea, that
some pied fooles, to put on satin and veluet but foure daies in the yeare, did often-times vndoe themselues, wiues and Children euer after. The spirit of the Deuils Buttery hearing this, made a legge to Pride for here counsell, and knowing by his owne experience that euerie Taylor hath his hell to himselfe, vnder his Shop-board, (where he dammes new Sattin) amongst them hée thought to finde best welcome, and therefore into Burchin-lane hée stalkes verie mannerly, Pride going along with him, and taking the vpper hand.

  No sooner was hée entred into the rankes of the LinnenArmorers, (whose weapons are Spanish néedles) but hée was most terribly and sharpely set vpon, euerie prentise boy had a pull at him: hee feared they all had bin Serieants, because they all had him by the backe: neuer was poore deuill so tormented in hell, as he was amongst them: he thought it had béene Saint Thomas his day, and that he had béene called vpon to be Constable, there was such bauling in his eares, and no strength could shake them off, but that they must shew him some suites of apparell, because they saw what Gentlewoman was in his company (whom they all knew,) Seeing no remedie, into a shop hée goes, was fitted brauely, and beating the price, found the lowest to be vnreasonable, yet paide it, and departed, none of them (by reason of their crowding about him before) perceiuing what customer they had met with, but now the Taylor spying the deuill, suffered him to goe, neuer praying that hée wold know the shop another time, but looking round about his ware-house if nothing were missing, at length he found that he had lost his conscience: yet remembring himselfe, that they who deale with the diuell, can hardly kéepe it, he stood vpon it the lesse.

  THE FASHIONS OF AN ORDINARIE.

  THE Stigian traueller being thus translated into an accomplished gallant, with all acoutrements belonging (as a •ether for his head, gilt rapier for his sides, & new boots to hide his polt foote, for in Bed-lam he met with a shoemaker, a mad slaue, that knew the length of his last) it rested, onely that now hée was to enter vpon company sutable to his cloathes: and knowing that your most selected Gallants are the onely-tablemen that are plaid with all at Ordinaries, into an Ordinary did he most gentleman like, conuay himselfe in state.