The Bleeding Love

by Beth Durkee

  Again able to see, Samuel was finally able to see what the Good Shepherd looked like. Not at all like what was portrayed on television and in the movies, the Shepherd looked to be somewhere between his late thirties and mid-fifties. He was a smallish man, very slim, with wheat colored skin. Wavy, black hair, with just a few streaks of gray, framed the clean-shaven face. He wore evidence of good humor on His face in the form of tiny wrinkles at the corners of his mouth and kind, dark brown eyes.

  Seeing the light return to Samuel's eyes, the Shepherd rose and turned away, removing an undyed homespun blanket from his shoulders as he walked. In stark contrast to His humble appearance and meek carriage, power dripped out of every pore of His being. The combined effect of the polar opposites, power and humility, in one being was magnetic. Without being invited, Samuel rose and followed.

  Reaching Gloria's bed, the Shepherd draped his homespun blanket over her shoulders, but not before Samuel saw with now spiritually-cleared eyes what was being covered. The man gasped aloud at what he witnessed.

  Post XIV

  The thing that caught his eye was the huge splintering wooden shaft protruding from Gloria's back, new blood pulsing out with every heart-beat over the old, crusted blood at its entry-point.

  “What is that?” he pointed. The Shepherd ignored him, sitting across from Gloria on her bed and placing His right hand over her left. He looked deeply into her eyes to listen as she prayed.

  “Lord, I am so thankful for everything you do and have done. You are so good to me,” Gloria began her prayer, not seeing or even realizing there was anyone else in the room with her. Samuel noticed that her lips did not move, but he could hear her perfectly.

  “That's Gloria,” Samuel thought. “Always making things out to be better than they are. Just look at this tiny dump! I would not be thanking anybody for this hole.”

  “What is that sticking out of Gloria's back?” he repeated, this time more insistent.

  “Every promise you make in your book, you have kept – save one,” Gloria continued. “You promise that a husband shall not divorce his wife,23 but Samuel did and now I am alone. He will not even talk to me or answer my emails. Yet still you command that a divorced wife must reconcile with her husband or remain un-partnered24, and so that is what I do. But I am so alone, Lord, so alone, and it hurts so much. When will you look upon my misery and restore to me your covenant blessing instead of this curse25 of divorce and abandonment?”

  Suddenly it dawned on Samuel, “She doesn't know I am dead.” He turned to Amos. “Why doesn't she know I am dead? Didn't Crystal tell her?”

  “How can Crystal tell her?” Amos answered. “She doesn't know yet, either. Sharon is afraid to tell her. If Crystal knew you were dead, she might claim her child's rights to your estate. By hiding your death from Crystal, Sharon will get to keep all your money.”

  “But what about my mom?” the father inside the man wanted to know. “Won't she tell Crystal I am dead?”

  Amos was about to answer that Samuel's mother had chosen to avoid contact with the girl after the divorce, but before he could open his mouth, the Shepherd turned large, tear-filled eyes in Samuel's direction. Blood flowed freely from his hands. The side of His garment was also drenched in red. It even dripped from pinpricks around the crown of His head. Spilling over Gloria's lap and bed, but she did not notice. Neither did she notice the growing puddle oozing out from under the Shepherd's long robes. She just kept praying and whining about the divorce. Her behavior was disgusting.

  Still covering Gloria's hand with His, the Shepherd asked, “Samuel, 'why do you persecute me?26”

  Samuel's jaw dropped. “Persecute you??” he breathed with shock and horror, but the Shepherd had already turned away, his eyes fixed on Gloria as she continued to pray.

  Amos, a few steps away, answered Samuel's questions, “What you did for the least of His people, you did unto Him27. He literally feels Gloria's anguish. Everything you have done to her, is done to Him. Look there,” the angel pointed to Gloria's back. “That big, crusty spear with blood oozing all around it is from your continuing adultery against Gloria. He feels it as deeply as she does. The long, thin one right next to it is the divorce you forced on her. – You probably didn't notice it before the Shepherd put His cloak over her shoulders. He feels that, too. The short spear kind of under her arm, you probably didn't see it either, is the legalization of your adultery with Sharon, another unprovoked assault on your wife and the Shepherd. Would you like me to go on? Gloria is quite a courageous prayer warrior. Her battles are well known throughout the heavens. There are few left in the world like her.”

  “No, no,” Samuel shook his head. He felt both horrible and proud: Horrible that he was the one who had inflicted such devastation on his wife and proud that she was so admired in the heavens. “Just tell me, are all those injuries from me?”

  “Of course not,” answered the angel. “Do you see that little bruise right there? It is from your mistress. . . I mean Sharon, answering your emails for you. Of course, that deep blue one on Gloria's chest is from you ignoring her emails to you. But that long, festering scrape right near her neck? Do you see it?”

  Samuel nodded, scrunching his face and holding his breath in anticipation of what Amos would say the scrape was from. He was not sure he really wanted to know, but he had asked for it.

  “That is from Gloria's mother.”

  Samuel's breath escaped in a huge sigh. What a relief that he had not been the one to put that scrape there! Silent condemnation of Gloria's mother filled his heart.

  “She won't stop bad-mouthing you or telling Gloria what a horrible environment your marital home was for Crystal's upbringing. Let me tell you. That woman does NOT like you and her negative words constantly grate on your wife.”

  Samuel winced. That comment really hurt. He had always liked Gloria's mom, and he thought she liked him, too.

  “Do you remember when you gave out Gloria's cell number to the woman you met at that restaurant while you were separated?” the angel continued. “That little pinprick you see on her arm there is. . . .”

  “Okay!” Samuel exclaimed, not wanting to hear any more. “That's enough! I get it already. All of this is from me and I should be ashamed of myself.”

  “Well, there is also a long, thin, white scar near her heart that you had absolutely nothing to do with. It is covered by her clothing now, but I was around when the wound was open and new. There was blood everywhere! Her very first love broke up with her.”

  Samuel felt a little better. “I remember hearing about that,” he said. “It took a long time for her to get over him, but she did it. A little scar is not so bad.”

  “That's true,” nodded Amos. “A little scar is not so bad. Of course, he was just a boyfriend. The wound from losing a boyfriend is nothing like what a one-flesh marriage partner can do.” The angel gave a single nod in Gloria's direction, “You are looking at that kind of damage right now.”

  Samuel said nothing. He was too busy looking at the carnage to his wife's spirit-body. She was really a mess, covered in scrapes, cuts, bruises, gaping and festering sores, spears poking out of her, etc. She must really love him to go through this much pain on his account. He wondered if he loved anybody that much. He doubted it.

  Turning to Amos, he justified, “I wish I could love her the way that I used to so that she would not be in such pain. I just can't. I love Sharon.”

  Amos lifted an eyebrow. He knew Samuel and Sharon had been having problems at home, but he determined to answer the man's objection anyway. “There is a reason is written, “Take captive every thought to make it obedient.28” Many have died and more have suffered for the sake of obedience to the highest Law, and they will find their reward in the end. You are no different than they. Everything is possible for one who believes.29”

  Samuel rolled his eyes and sighed. There was really no winning this argument. The angel knew all the right answers.

  “It does not matter
, Samuel,” Amos interrupted his thoughts. “You are dead. Remember? Gloria begged you for years to come home to work things out, but you traded four years for all of eternity. From the building of the great pyramids until now is not even a drop in the ocean of eternity. So I hope you are happy with your decision to violate your wife for that four years because you can't go back and change your mind now. All you can do is pay the eternal price of repeatedly breaking your vows.”

  “What do you mean 'repeatedly' breaking them?” Samuel demanded. “Broken is broken. I only broke them once. Then the breaking was done.”

  “Not that it matters,” Amos responded, “because one sin is still sin. But your marriage vow was for life. Each time you failed to “forsake all others” for Gloria, you broke your vow anew. Each time you denied her the right “to have and to hold” you, you broke your vows. Every time you thought or professed that you did not love Gloria any more, you broke your vows. Shall I continue?”

  For the first time, the angel had begun to raise his voice. He was growing tired of answering Samuel's ridiculous objections. Even if the man could somehow win an argument with an angel, there was no way he would win one against the Great Ones, the inventors of logic and argument.

  “No,” Samuel bowed his head. “I get it.” Amos' words had been harsh and pointed, but Samuel knew they were true before the angel had uttered them. He had known all along. He just did not want to admit it. Unfortunately for Samuel, though, absolute truth does not need to be admitted to be true.

  “We should go now,” suggested Samuel, face sullen. He knew he was doomed and he realized that a few minutes more or less was nothing in comparison to all of eternity. “I am ready to begin my journey.”

  “Then go say goodbye to your wife,” instructed the angel. “That is why we are here. For her obedience and long suffering, this beloved child of the King has been granted special privilege. Bid final farewell to her.”

  Post XV

  Samuel was impressed at the honor Gloria was being given, but at the same time he wondered how many other “beloved children” were given the same privilege. Certainly, she was not the only one. He raised his eyebrows to look askance at the angel. “What do you mean I should say goodbye?” he asked. “You mean I should go over to her and talk to her? How will she hear me?”

  “It's not rocket science,” answered Amos. “Go over and kiss her goodbye. It's not like you've never kissed her before.”

  It was true. Although Samuel had not even seen Gloria for the past four years, over their fifteen years of legal marriage he had probably kissed her more than ten thousand times. He could easily do it once more, especially since she could not see or even feel him. Then he would be free to move on.

  Drawing near to Gloria, he hesitated. He did not know if he should bend down to kiss her now, or wait for her to stop praying. If he had only listened to what she was saying, he would not have wondered. He would have known to wait. Uncomfortable and not knowing what to do, he swallowed.

  He dredged up his courage to ask the Shepherd for guidance in a single word, “Sir?”

  The Shepherd's head snapped to face him. Anger flashed across His eyes from not only the interruption but also from Gloria's prayers. She was in pain again from Samuel's abandonment. An icy wind whooshed through the room and His voice thundered, shaking the walls, “Who is it you have ridiculed and blasphemed? Against whom have you raised your voice and lifted your eyes in pride? Against the Holy One of Israel!30”

  Samuel, and Amos behind him, both dropped to their knees, heads touching the floor. Amos' hands stretched out before him in genuflection, while Samuel's hands covered his head in the classic “tornado drill” position he had learned in grade school. Trembling with fear and wondering what he had done to anger the Great One, Samuel dared not even breathe. He held his breath in terror, simply thinking, “Holy crap!”

  The Shepherd's voice reverberated through the room, “To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.31”

  Oops. Calling crap holy would definitely have qualified as perverse speech. Samuel remembered what Amos had said about taking “every thought captive.” He felt instantly sorry.

  Opening one eye, he slowly turned his head to the side and looked up at the Shepherd. Lips quivering with fear, he volunteered, “Sir? Amos says You want me to kiss Gloria goodbye?”

  Moving nothing but his hand from Gloria's lap, the Shepherd gestured toward her as if to give permission, stating in a matter-of-fact tone, “You must obey my laws and be careful to follow my decrees.32”

  Samuel rose to his feet and stepped toward Gloria. As he bent forward, he gazed into her blood-stained face. Suddenly he realized that nobody would suffer this much just to keep another from being happy. Only a deep, abiding love could make this much suffering even possible. He realized now that his wife had never been trying to keep him from happiness when she refused a quick and easy divorce. She had been fighting for his everlasting joy all along. Through his adultery and even after he divorced her, she sacrificed herself to try to rescue him from eternal punishment. He wondered if he would have done the same for her and came to the conclusion that he would not. Guilt washed over him as his anger with Gloria was displaced by sorrow.

  Pausing briefly, he took note. This last kiss had been granted to him for the sake of his wife's obedience to the Creator's Law, the one woman whose love for him was true, selfless and unconditional. Samuel felt ashamed that a last kiss was more than he had done for her before he sued for divorce, but grateful he was receiving one. It would have to last him forever in an eternity where love did not even exist. He needed to remember it always, and he intended to savor it.

  “Thank you,” he whispered toward the Shepherd as slowly, he leaned forward, eyes closed, mouth slightly open. Apprehensive that the touch of his spirit-flesh would give Gloria the same cold chill it had given Sharon, and mindful that his spirit-body would pass right through her mortal one, he barely touched where his wife's perfect lips should be. . . and felt sweet softness.

  “Mmm,” he felt her sigh, her chin lifting slightly to accept his touch. Pleasant warmth washed over him as his lips, followed by his hands and arms, mingled his spirit-flesh with her spirit and mortal body. As they kissed, he felt sharp but pleasant pains in his chest. It felt like something hard cracking and breaking apart to become supple, and it felt both right and good. He had not felt this way in years, but he instinctively knew that it was how he should have felt all along. Samuel's hardened heart had just softened into flesh.

  The kiss ended too soon and their lips came apart, but Samuel wanted more. Not wanting to break contact with the woman who could melt his heart and make him feel warm and loved, his lips continued moving to kiss her cheek, her jaw bone, her eyelids. Every touch brought a new and deeper emotion: love, joy, relief, gratitude, concern, friendship, mirth. Joining with Gloria this way was unlocking the door to emotions in him that Samuel had never really felt. This was the very first time he had ever known this intensity of feeling and he yearned to bask in it forever.

  “Samuel,” she breathed, opening her beautiful blue eyes to look up into . . . the corner of her bedroom. Although she had felt him with the permission of the Shepherd, Samuel's spirit remained invisible and untouchable to her. When she opened her eyes to see visually instead of spiritually, Gloria had lost her connection to the husband she loved. A tear forming in her eye, she reached up to grab the empty air by her face.

  Searing pain pierced Samuel's chest as, still mingled with Gloria's spirit and body, he felt the pain her heart did. Despair washed over him as he was consumed by loneliness and fear. Staggering backwards, away from her, his whole body doubled-over as he staggered backwards in sudden agony. Gasping for breath as he backed away, he clutched at his heart until the pain began to subside.

  “Oh, my God!” he cried out, his eyes wide and wild with the sudden realization of what he had done to his wife's heart.

  �
�Do not be afraid, for I am with you,33” answered the Shepherd, turning to Gloria. Still seated on her bed, He reached over to cover her hand again with His as soon as Samuel's touch was broken, the marks on his body again beginning to bleed and pour out over her.

  Post XVI

  “What was that?!” Samuel panted, still catching his breath.

  Amos was the one who answered the question, as the Shepherd was again occupied. “Well, to me it looked like you were kissing your wife. It must have felt glorious to be able to join and feel her spirit like that.” He shrugged, “Angels don't get wives, so I don't know how kissing one feels.”

  She was sobbing now, silently begging, “Why, Lord? Why? Why did he leave me? I was a good wife. I tried to please him, but he left me for that wicked seductress. Now I am all alone and he is with an adulteress who cares nothing for anyone but herself.”

  Hands braced on his knees, Samuel lifted one arm to wave away Amos' comments with broad motions. “Not that,” he said. “What was that pain?”

  Amos lifted both hands, his elbows bent, “Well, what did you expect? Your spirit-bodies were re-joined, like they were joined by the Great Ones when you married. Only, this time, you had no physical body to get in the way of feeling her emotions. When Gloria opened her mortal eyes to see you were not really there, I assume she thought she was dreaming again. So you probably got to feel a little bit of her pain from your betrayal. I bet it felt really good. Didn't it?”

  “No,” Samuel grumbled. “It felt awful.” Now that he knew the effects of his mortal actions, he knew he would never forget. Just like he had thought he wanted, he would remember for eternity in Gehenna the last kiss he had shared with the wife who loved him. Samuel now understood that hell was more than the searing pain and wailing emptiness he had already briefly glimpsed. It was also the memory of his wrong-doings, his eternal guilt, and his inability to change what he was doing to make things better.