Light in the Shadows

by A. Meredith Walters

  “That’s great, Jake,” I said, cringing at how fake I sounded. Jake didn’t seem to notice anything off about me. He just smiled and nodded. His good mood was sort of infectious. And I found myself smiling a bit more naturally this time.

  “Have you heard back from JMU yet?” he asked me as I finished up my stretching. I had applied to James Madison University for early admission and then a handful of other in state colleges as backup. JMU had a great track team and I was really hoping to get a sport scholarship.

  But I hadn’t heard back from them yet and I wouldn’t be getting news from the other schools until sometime in April. I knew I should be a bit more anxious about the whole thing. But I just couldn’t summon up the energy to care. Sure I played the part with my parents, engaging in endless discussions about SATs and campus tours. But the truth was my enthusiasm was sorely lacking. It didn’t change the fact that I had a big decision to make in a few months.

  It was just hard to talk about a future without the one thing I wanted most.

  “Not yet,” I said shortly, looking over my shoulder at Coach Kline, who was starting to round up the track team for a quick pow-wow before practice. “I’ve gotta go, Jake. Otherwise, Coach will make me run laps.” I pulled my hair up into a pony tail and straightened my track pants.

  Jake nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got to get into the weight room. But before I go…” his voice trailed off and he seemed suddenly interested in his shoes. I looked at him impatiently.

  “What is it, Jake? Seriously I’ve got to get going,” I said sharply. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I didn’t have time for his nervous rambling.

  Jake sighed heavily. “Damn, Maggie, you really know how to cut a guy’s balls off.” He laughed uncomfortably. I chuckled but started to tap my foot, letting him know his time was running short.

  “Okay, shit, I guess I’ll just spit it out. You wanna go out this weekend?” Jake asked in a rush. His question was like a punch to the gut. Crap! Crap, crap! I should have seen this coming. I had taken his patient understanding for granted it seemed. I knew he liked me, I had just really hoped I wouldn’t be put in the position to have to turn him down. I liked Jake. A lot. I just wasn’t prepared to like him as anything more than a friend.

  Jake instantly took my silence as a rejection and the look of hurt on his face made me feel horrible. “It’s okay, Maggie. I get it. I just wish…never mind.” He ran his hand over his short red hair.

  “You just wish what, Jake?” I asked, trying not to be irritated with him for putting us both in the awkward situation we found ourselves in. But I was mostly irritated with myself. Maybe I had been leading him on. Being too flirty. Yeah, this was probably my fault. Crap, crap, crap!

  “You need to get over that guy, Maggie. It’s been months. He’s not coming back. But you’re acting like he’s the only one out there. I mean, even if you don’t want to date me, you shouldn’t rule out every other guy who isn’t Clay Fucking Reed!” Jake said in frustration and I clenched my teeth. Okay, so now he was pissing me off.

  “Wow, thanks for your support. Glad to know what you really think of me. Sorry if I’m not moving on at a pace that is agreeable to you. Look, I’ve got to go. I don’t have time for this.” I started to turn away but Jake grabbed my arm, stopping me.

  I snatched my arm back and glared at him. Jake grimaced and dropped his hand. “Damn it Maggie, I’m not trying to be a dick here. I just want to see you happy. It’s time to let yourself. Fuck it, never mind. Forget I said anything. See you around.” Jake hefted his gym bag up onto his shoulder and started toward the school.

  I don’t know what made me do it but I yelled out, “Fine Jake! I’ll go out with you.” What was I saying? I felt possessed by the impulse to prove him wrong. To show him and everyone else that I wasn’t going to spend my life moping over a boy who had thrown me away. It was humiliating and I was sick and tired of being the pathetic girl who had been dumped by her crazy boyfriend.

  Jake shook his head. “Forget it, Maggie. I don’t want you going because you feel bad for me or something. I just thought we could go out and have a good time, that’s all.” I closed the distance between us and put my hand on his arm.

  “No, really Jake, I’d like to go. You’re right. I’m done with the sad girl act. But you’d better plan something good,” I warned good-naturedly, smiling. Jake smiled back at me.

  “You got it, Mags.” And then he leaned down and kissed my cheek, his lips lingering on my skin. I flushed and backed away, not sure how I felt about all of this. “I’ll call you tonight, okay?” Jake called out as I headed back to the track.

  I only nodded and waved goodbye. I couldn’t let myself think about what I had just agreed to and what that meant for me. I threw myself into track practice. I was running the 1600 and 3200 meter this year. After flaking out so much during cross country this year, I was determined to show Coach Kline that I really did kick ass.

  So I ran. Not fast, but I ran far. I was pleased at how my endurance had increased and I found that I was able to run the 3200 meter in a record eleven minutes. That was incredible! I had beaten my best time by a minute. I felt good and the closest to happy I had been in a while.

  Coach Kline was pleased and made sure to heap praise my way before I left. As I walked out to my car, I saw Daniel and Jake headed to Danny’s truck. “Mags!” Daniel called out, waiting for me to catch up.

  I smiled at him and then gave Jake a shy grin. I felt a little strange around him, now that he had asked me out and I had agreed. But he simply tugged on my pony tail and grinned as though nothing had changed between us.

  “We’re headed to Bubbles, you wanna come?” Daniel asked. I tensed up at the suggestion. I hadn’t been to Bubbles since…

  You know what? Fuck this. “Yeah. I could use a banana split,” I said almost defiantly. Though who I was defying I wasn’t entirely sure. Was I defying Clay? Myself? The memory of the hundreds of banana splits I had shared with my ex-boyfriend? God, how ridiculous was that?

  So I followed them to the restaurant and I ordered the banana split with extra whipped cream. And I ate every last bite. “Jeesh girl, you were hungry,” Jake teased as I scooped up the last bit of ice cream and put it in my mouth.

  I felt faintly nauseous with the amount of food I had just consumed. I had never finished one of Bubble’s banana splits by myself before. But damned if I hadn’t made it my mission to eat that entire one. It was like I was proving something to myself. Like if I could do this, I could really start to move on with my life.

  Though I think all I got out of it was the need to puke all over the table.

  Daniel only shook his head as I dropped the spoon into the bowl with a loud clang. I met his eyes and dared him to say anything about my gross display of overeating. But he just smirked and finished his hamburger.

  Jake tapped my foot with his under the table. I looked at him and grinned sheepishly. “I think I might have overdone it,” I admitted, feeling my stomach roll in revolt.

  “That was pretty impressive,” Jake said, pushing his half eaten sundae aside. “So what do you think about going to see a movie on Saturday? We could hit the IMAX in Charlottesville,” Jake suggested and I wanted to groan as Danny’s head popped up.

  “You guys have plans this weekend?” Daniel asked, raising his eyebrows at me. I’d be interrogated about this later. If not by Daniel, then by Rachel. Separate they were dangerous, now as a unified team, they were darn near lethal.

  “Yeah, we do,” I told him sharply, shooting daggers in his direction with my eyes. If he embarrassed me, I’d flipping kill him.

  “That’s cool. Can Rachel and I join you? Make it a group thing?” Daniel asked and my irritation dissolved in place of my relief at not having to sit awkwardly though a date like situation with Jake.

  Daniel raised his eyebrows at me and I knew his suggestion wasn’t a spur of the moment idea. My best friend knew me so well. And I too often underestimated what he would do to make me happy.
He really was a good guy, even if he tried to hide it under douchy armor way too often.

  Jake shrugged his shoulders, though I could tell he was less than thrilled with our date crashers. But Jake too, was a decent guy, and would never let on to his disappointment. “Sounds good. We can figure out what we want to do at lunch time. Cool?” Jake looked at me and I gave him a thumbs up.

  “I’m sure Rach and I can find some sappy chick flick to drag you guys to. I’m thinking Zac Efron or ohh, I know, what about the movie with Robert Pattinson! A theater full of squealing women will be awesome!” I clapped my hands. Daniel laughed, knowing I was full of it. There was no way I could subject myself to a chick flick, let alone anyone else.

  “Whatever, we’ll discuss tomorrow. I’ve got to pick Rachel up from work. Come on, Jake.” We each slid out of the booth and paid our tickets. Jake tried to pay for mine but I staunchly refused. We were not a couple and even though we were going on a quasi-date this weekend, it didn’t mean I had to throw myself head first into coupledom. I was so NOT ready for that.

  “See you guys tomorrow,” I called out as I made my way to my car. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I was feeling pretty good. The funk I had found myself in after Clay’s phone call was finally receding. And while I was nervous about where things were headed with Jake, I wasn’t overly freaked out about it either. Even the sound of my engine struggling to turn over couldn’t darken my mood.

  This could only mean that things were finally looking up for me. The clouds were parting and I could finally see the sun again. I took a deep breath, feeling the cold air burn my lungs and I felt like smiling. Just because.

  I was surprised to see both Mom and Dad’s cars in the driveway when I got home. Mom typically worked crazy hours and it was Dad’s bowling night. He and a few of the other librarians had formed a league a few months ago, complete with shirts with their team name The Bookish Bowlers embroidered on the back. I had blown snot balls when he had shown them to me. My dad hadn’t been amused when I begged for a T-shirt of my own. He knew it wasn’t for my love of bowling or librarians, that’s for sure.

  I dropped my keys on the table inside the front door. “Hello?” I said, walking into the living room.

  “In the kitchen, Maggie. Can you come in here, please?” my mom called out. I didn’t like the sound of her voice and my good mood evaporated instantly and anxious nerves took its place in the pit of my stomach.

  I walked into my brightly lit kitchen that seemed in such contrast to the dark looks my parents wore. They were both sat at the kitchen table, hands folded in an almost identical way. If they hadn’t looked so serious, I would have laughed.

  “Uh, is everything okay?” I asked, moving to sit in the vacant chair at the table. My dad looked to my mother, who gave me, what I’m sure was meant to be a reassuring smile. Instead it looked strained and uncomfortable.

  “Well, honey, I heard some bad news a little while ago,” Mom said uncertainly. I took a deep breath.

  “Well, what was it?” I asked, feeling the sick sense of dread thick in my throat. My mother sighed and covered my hand with hers.

  “It’s about Lisa McCabe,” she began and I blinked at the unexpected direction of the conversation. Ruby’s Lisa? I frowned in confusion.

  “What’s up with Lisa?” I asked with some hesitation, knowing on an instinctual level that I wouldn’t like what she had to tell me.

  My mom squeezed my hand. “Lisa was involved in a car crash on I81 early this morning,” she said softly. I stiffened.

  “Is she okay?” I asked quietly, already knowing, by the looks on both she and my father’s faces, exactly what her next words would be.

  Dad shook his head. “Lisa ran her own media production company out of Charlottesville, right?” my dad asked me and I nodded. “Apparently she was headed home after working most of the night and fell asleep behind the wheel. She hit a guard rail and flipped her vehicle. She died on impact.” I sucked in a breath and closed my eyes. God, how awful!

  I instantly felt guilty for letting my relationship with Lisa and Ruby dissolve. I had been trying so hard to put distance between me and everything and everyone “Clay related.” But that hadn’t been fair of me. Particularly when Lisa and Ruby had done nothing but love and support me. And Lisa had cared deeply about Clay. She had wanted to help him so badly.

  I thought about her visit to the coffee shop just a few weeks ago. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that that was the last time I would ever see her.

  “I should call Ruby. Go see her. Something,” I said. This would kill Ruby. I had always thought her relationship with Lisa had been beautiful. Theirs was a love that would last forever. It was so wrong that their forever hadn’t lasted nearly long enough.

  I got to my feet. I knew I had to do something. I just wasn’t sure what. My grief for Lisa was a heavy thing. My mom and dad came quickly to my side both putting their arms around my shoulders, holding me up from either side. “We can go see her together, Maggie. See if there’s anything we can do to help. Ruby is such a lovely woman,” my mom suggested and I leaned into her, grateful for the comfort.

  And then I thought of the other person who would be affected by this sudden tragedy. A person who couldn’t afford to be blindsided by the pain this would cause. Someone who I knew was barely holding it together as it was. The knife in my gut this time wasn’t for me, or for Ruby. It belonged entirely to Clay, who I knew would be hurting beyond anything I could imagine.

  “Thanks, Mom, Dad,” I whispered, unable to find my voice. My dad kissed the top of my head and went over to the electric kettle, pulling out my favorite chamomile tea in order to make me a cup. My mom went to the cupboard and started pulling ingredients out and putting them on the counter. I recognized the bits needed for her seven cheese casserole. What was it about death that ignited the need to cook? It seemed so trivial in the face of such a terrible thing. But I supposed it was more about feeling useful. Even if that filled our needs more than anyone else’s.

  “I’m gonna get some air,” was all I could say and I found myself pushing through the backdoor and out into the yard. I swept the bangs off my forehead and dropped my head back, staring at the sky. All I could think of was Clay. Clay. Clay. Clay.

  He never seemed to catch a break. My heart broke all over again for the boy I loved deeply and with every fiber of my being. I couldn’t stop myself from obsessing about how he would handle the news. Would it undo all of the progress he’s made? Would he be able to come back from the grief? He loved Lisa like a mother. She and Ruby had been all that he had in the way of supportive and caring family. This had the potential to destroy him all over again.

  And then my mind ground to a halt at a sudden realization. He would be coming back to Davidson. Shit, of course he would be. I shook my head, gripping my hair at the scalp. I couldn’t think about that. Wouldn’t think about what that would mean for me when I saw him again. Because it was supremely selfish to worry about my own feelings when Ruby and Clay had lost so much.

  I pulled out my phone and dialed Ruby’s number. I didn’t know what I would say. Words seemed useless at the moment. And I hated how relieved I was when I got her voicemail. My eyes burned with tears at the sound of the silly message she and Lisa used as their greeting. I sniffled and wiped my eyes just as the beep ended.

  “Ruby. It’s Maggie. I, uh, I just wanted to call and tell you how…sorry I am. God, I’m so very sorry,” I choked on the words and had to stop. I tried to calm down so I could get out the rest of what I wanted to say.

  “I just wanted you to know if you need anything. Please call. I loved Lisa. She was such a wonderful person. I’m just so sorry,” I ended on a whisper. And I couldn’t say anymore so I just hung up.

  My head dropped, my chin hitting my chest. My phone fell from my hand to the ground and I was lost in my feelings of sadness for a life cut short and for the impact it would have on the person I loved the most.

  Ch
apter Eight

  -Clay-

  The day began like any other. My alarm went off at seven. I got out of bed and took a shower. After eating a barely edible breakfast, I headed for my first group session. Today’s topic was on building your support systems. I was engaged and focused. Because I was Clayton Reed, Super Patient!

  Then I attended school for two hours. I completed my biology paper and started working on an essay on the short story A Rose for Emily for my American Lit assignment. I had never particularly enjoyed school. I hated the crowded hallways and people way too up in your business. But now having a seven hour school day crammed into two, I missed the luxury of going from class to class. I hated the break neck pace of reading and writing, trying to shove an entire education into such a short amount of time.

  But I was kicking ass. I had never cared about doing well. Do my homework? Fuck that. Pay attention to my teachers’ lectures? No way. But now, with my head more in the game than it used to be, I was finally taking the whole educate yourself, seriously.