Light in the Shadows

by A. Meredith Walters

  And not for the first time I hated myself for being the guy who would make them worry. I didn’t want to be someone they feared. But I was and I knew that wasn’t likely to change, no matter how much I tried to be different.

  Mrs. Young gave me a hug and I tried not to act surprised by it. But Maggie’s mom had always been a lot easier to be around than her dad. As if on cue, Mr. Young flanked his wife’s side and watched me warily.

  “We were sorry to hear about Lisa,” he said gruffly, scratching at his beard uncomfortably. I didn’t say anything. Mr. Young had a way of making me feel two years old and two feet tall. Like I was being examined and coming up short.

  Mrs. Young took Maggie by the elbow and led her away. Her father followed behind, leaving me standing with the protective best friends. I shoved my hands in my pockets, feeling the need to flee all over again.

  “So, Clay, how long are you in town for?” Daniel asked, trying to make the question sound informal but I knew he was really digging for information. He didn’t want me here, that was obvious. Daniel and I had been close to being friends before. But we had never quite gotten there. And then I had taken off with Maggie and he had been there to clean up my mess after I had left.

  So I knew, without a doubt, I wasn’t one of his favorite people.

  “Uh, I’m not really sure. I guess I’ll just see how Ruby gets on. I don’t want to just leave her, you know?” I forced myself to meet his eyes and pressed my lips together. I sort of wanted to tell him it was none of his damn business. I didn’t need his disapproval.

  But for the sake of harmony, I kept my mouth shut. It was Rachel who nodded in understanding. “Well, you can only take it one day at a time.” She spoke as though from experience and it made me wonder what more there was to Maggie’s unassuming best friend. I had never paid much attention to her except as an extension of Maggie. But her eyes glowed with their own hidden pain and I knew she got it.

  “Yeah,” I murmured, not knowing what else to say. And apparently they didn’t either, so they moved on down the aisle, finding their place beside Maggie. I watched the three of them huddle together. Daniel and Rachel on one side, her parents on the other. They circled her in their support and love and I found that I was unreasonably jealous.

  Not for the unconditional affection she was receiving but for the fact that I wasn’t the one to give it her. She should be by my side. With me. We should be holding up and leaning on each other. But I had given up that right when I had left her. When I had written that fucking letter that at the time seemed like the right thing to do.

  Now I was seeing it was a huge mistake. Because I had effectively robbed myself of the one thing that had ever made me happy.

  I finally understood all too well what people meant when they say the path to hell is paved with good intentions. Because I was stuck in the middle of my own personal purgatory.

  People started to find their seats and I realized the service was about to begin. So I went to join Ruby and Lisa’s parents at the front of the church. She reached over and grabbed ahold of my hand when I sat down and we held onto each other as the minister began his sermon about the beauty of heaven and Lisa entering God’s Kingdom. What a bunch of sanctimonious bullshit. Lisa would have hated every minute of this over indulgent, trite nonsense.

  But funerals were for the living and really had nothing to do with the person who died. They were meant to give those left behind some sort of solace. But I found none. I just felt empty.

  Looking over at Ruby, with her head bowed low, her hair obscuring her face I knew she was feeling the exact same way. How do you go on living when the love of your life was gone?

  I looked over my shoulder, taking in the row after row of people come to pay their respects. Lisa’s family, her friends, her co-workers. And my eyes rested on Maggie. She was listening to the minister with an unreadable expression on her face.

  As though she could feel me looking, her gaze met mine. Her eyes were wet, I could see it from here. But one thing was for certain; those eyes of hers had always been my undoing.

  I had to look away. My heart felt too full in my chest and I could barely breathe. So I tried to focus on the rest of the service. Before I knew it, it was over and people were filing out of the church. Ruby clutched my arm as I led her out the side door and toward my car.

  “How are you holding up?” I asked quietly into her ear as I opened up the passenger side door. Ruby shook her head, letting out a muffled sob as she sank into the leather seat. I closed the door behind her with a soft click and went around to the driver’s side.

  And then we made our way to the cemetery to put Lisa into the ground. Ruby said nothing, lost in her own world. And I had never felt more alone.

  Chapter Twelve

  -Maggie-

  God, that was horrible.

  The crying, the misery. It was like a knife to my heart. Ruby’s grief had torn me apart. The once infectiously happy, she had now been reduced to the blank woman standing beside an open hole in the earth.

  And Clay. He had his arm around his aunt, holding her up as they slowly lowered Lisa’s casket into the ground. People were singing Amazing Grace as the box containing Lisa’s body descended and finally disappeared.

  Death was an unfeeling bitch. It didn’t matter who you were, who loved you, it struck mercilessly and without discrimination. I had never really experienced death. I was lucky in that respect. I wasn’t able to fully understand how gut-wrenching it was.

  But watching Ruby and Clay, I felt for the first time how terrifying and lonely it was. I hadn’t known Lisa nearly as long as they had but I felt her death deeply. And knowing how it would affect the two people trying so hard to hold it together across from me, I wasn’t sure there was any coming back from that.

  After dirt was tossed down into the hole, everyone began to disperse. I wanted to go over to Clay again. I wanted to be there for him so badly. I couldn’t stand the look of anguish on his face. It broke my heart all over again.

  “Come on, Maggie.” Rachel tugged on my arm and I tore my eyes away from Clay, who still stood with Ruby, staring at the ground where Lisa now rested.

  “Yeah, okay,” I said, walking with them down the rows of head stones. Each step taking me farther and farther from Clay, yet again. Why did I feel this separation even greater than the last one? I had barely spoken to him, but it felt fundamentally wrong to leave him when he was hurting like that.

  I had been so sure I could come here today, give my condolences and be strong enough not to be affected by him and his pain. I really should have known better. Because when it came to Clay, there was never a choice but to be with him.

  “Your dad and I have to run to the grocery store. We’ll meet you at home, okay?” my mom said, pulling me into a hug.

  “Okay. I’ll see you later,” I said as she touched my cheek lovingly.

  “You are such an amazing girl Maggie May Young. And I’m so proud to be your mom,” she told me gently. I smiled.

  “Thanks Mom. I think I’m pretty amazing too,” I quipped. My dad laughed beside me and ruffled my hair.

  “Always so modest,” he teased, moving in for his hug.

  After they left I turned to Rachel and Daniel who were talking quietly by Rachel’s car. “Do you have any plans this afternoon?” I asked them as I climbed into the backseat. Rachel turned around in her seat.

  “Nope, we’re all yours girl. What do you have in mind? You want to give Jake a call and see that movie? It might be good for you,” Rachel suggested and I grimaced. That was not what I had in mind at all. I wonder if they’d be cool with the plans I had decided on.

  “Uh, no. I was thinking we could head over to Ruby’s. You know, for the family and friends thing,” I said quickly. Daniel ran his hand through his hair and looked at me with obvious frustration.

  “Do you think that’s really a good idea, Mags? I mean come on. That’s just opening up a load of bullshit.” I tensed at his tone and dug my nails
into my palm. It was either that or slap his face.

  But then Rachel surprised me. “Give it a rest, Danny. She knows how we feel about things. But if this is what she needs to do, then that’s where we’re going.” She turned in her seat and put the keys in the ignition.

  Daniel stared at his girlfriend openmouthed. “Rach, I thought we were on the same page about all this,” he said under his breath. As if I couldn’t hear him. Nice to know I was the topic of conversation behind my back.

  “I’m not trying to be an asshole, Mags. I’m just not sure I can handle seeing you like that again,” Daniel said from the front seat. He didn’t turn around to look at me. He continued to stare out the window in front of him.

  I didn’t know what to say to that. His honesty took the wind out of my self-righteous sails. I couldn’t be irritated with him, not when he was only looking out for me. I would have been hurt if he did anything less.

  I guess I could tell him that he didn’t need to worry. That I had no intention of being that girl. That I would never allow myself to become so consumed by Clay again that I lost sight of everything else. The older and wiser Maggie should definitely be saying all of those things.

  But I stayed quiet. Because even I knew that the hold Clay had on my heart wasn’t rational and it wasn’t gentle. It was a vicious tug that threatened to rip the beating organ straight out of my chest.

  Seeing him again had only confirmed what my subconscious already knew. I would never move on from Clay. My soul belonged with him, was so entangled in him that I was no longer a single being.

  I had at one time wondered whether it was a good thing. Whether loving someone like that was healthy for either of us. I still wasn’t entirely sure but I was tired of trying to deny something that was as natural to me as breathing. I loved Clayton Reed and no amount of time or distance would ever take that away from me.

  That didn’t change the reality of where we found ourselves. Our relationship had been toxic and detrimental to both of us. I had learned that you could love someone entirely but not necessarily be with them. And that’s where the new Maggie came out to play. Because for once I wasn’t letting my feelings rule me. I was trying to let my head have as much of a say as my heart.

  We pulled up in front of Ruby’s house five minutes later. There were several cars there already and I felt a bit strange walking up to the house. Rachel was close behind me, Daniel purposefully trailing after her. I knocked on the door and waited. I could hear people talking inside.

  Finally the door was opened by someone I didn’t recognize. “Hi, I’m Maggie. And this is Rachel and Daniel. We’re…uh, Clay’s friends,” I stuttered out. The older woman smiled and held the screen door open, motioning us to come inside.

  “I’m glad you could come. I’m Darla, Lisa’s sister.” Looking at her, I could see the same straight nose and square jaw. I gave her a tight smile and followed her into the kitchen. I looked around but didn’t see anyone I knew. I saw an older couple surrounded by a group of people and assumed they were Lisa’s parents. But Ruby and Clay were conspicuously absent from the gathering.

  “Well, what should we do? We don’t know any of these people,” Rachel said nervously. I picked up a few paper plates and handed them to my friends.

  “I say we eat first. That’s usually a good place to start,” I remarked dryly. Daniel and Rachel took their plates and loaded up with food. I kept looking around the room, trying to locate either Ruby or Clay. It was strange that neither was anywhere around.

  After filling up our plates, we found a spot in the living room. Sitting on the couch, I noticed a pair of glasses and a coffee mug sitting on the table in front of me. My throat closed up when I realized they were Lisa’s.

  A few of Lisa’s family members came over and introduced themselves. I asked where Ruby and Clay were but no one seemed to know. After we ate our food, I got to my feet. Daniel and Rachel looked extremely uncomfortable and I felt bad for dragging them here.

  “Guys, I’m going to go see if I can find Ruby. Then we can go, alright?” Giving them credit, they both tried to hide their relief, but I saw it all the same.

  I tossed our plates in the trash and then started to look for Ruby. Her house wasn’t that big, so there weren’t many places for her to go. I headed up stairs, looking in her bedroom. She wasn’t there. I stopped outside the door at the end of the hallway and froze.

  I put my hand on the doorknob but didn’t turn it. It felt cool in my hand and I tightened my grip around it. I wasn’t sure I could go in. But without giving myself time to think about it too much I pushed open the door and was hit by a wave of stale air.

  It was exactly the same as the last time I was in here. Clay’s bed was made and untouched. Was he not staying in here then? I stepped inside and looked around. The blinds were drawn and it was so dark I could barely see. I walked across the room and turned on the lamp that sat on his desk.

  Light flooded the room and I blinked as my eyes adjusted. A thin layer of dust sat on everything, as though no one had been inside since he left. Aside from the pictures that were missing on his wall, the ones I had taken after, everything was the same.

  I sat down on the bed and let my hands drop limply between my knees. What was I doing here? I felt like I was chasing a ghost. Looking for something that I had lost a long time ago. But my earlier revelations held true. I couldn’t let go of him. I wouldn’t let go of him.

  I felt him before I saw him. “What are you doing in here?” I looked up at the sharp tone of his voice. Clay stood in the doorway, not moving. His face was pale and drawn; his dark hair wildly tussled from his anxious fingers. His eyes were tired as they watched me warily. He looked at me as though I were invading his privacy.

  Which sort of pissed me off. When had we become strangers? When had we stopped being able to read each other? Because now, staring at him, I wasn’t sure what to expect. And the way he was looking at me set me on edge.

  I didn’t get to my feet. Maybe I should get out, but I was feeling oppositionally defiant and I kept my butt right where it was. “Looking for you,” I told him honestly. Clay frowned, still not moving into the room.

  He seemed hesitant to step into the space that had once been his. “Are you not staying in here?” I asked, swiping my finger along the bedside table, and then wiping the dust away.

  “No, I’ve been sleeping on the couch,” Clay admitted, watching me as I ran my hand down the blue comforter, touching his pillows, smoothing the sheets.

  “Why?” I asked him, turning to look at him. Clay shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest as though shielding himself. From me? That was crazy. If anyone should be protecting themselves, it should be me.

  “I didn’t think I could sleep in here.” He looked around the room, clearly taking it all in for the first time since he had left. “Too many memories,” he whispered, more to himself than to me.

  “I understand about wanting to hide from memories,” I said bitterly. I turned my back to him and picked up the sketch book still on the table. I leafed through the pages leisurely, taking my time. Trying not to get choked up by the pictures inside. So many of them I remembered him drawing. Back when our lives were infinitely more complicated but in some twisted way, much happier.

  I hadn’t realized Clay had come into the room until I felt the bed dip. I felt the heat of his body beside me. We weren’t touching; the air between us much wider than it ever would have been before. But it was still the closest we had been in three months. I bit down on my lip to stop myself from sobbing at the relief of seeing him again. Of being near him.

  The silence spread out in front of us, neither of us doing anything to break it. As though words would ruin this perfect piece of time we were being blessed with. In our reality, it could be over in an instant. And I wanted to prolong the inevitable, forever.

  But like everything, the silence had to end. Clay reached out and took the sketch pad from my hands and closed it, leaning over me to put i
t back on the bedside table. I could smell the musky scent of his cologne and willed myself to not lean into him.

  “I should get downstairs,” Clay said quietly, though he didn’t get to his feet. I laced my hands in my lap and kept my head down.

  “I’m sorry, Clay. I know how much you loved Lisa.” I wanted to hold him while I said it, but that’s not where we were. Not where we’d ever be again. Hadn’t I told him just last week that love had stopped being enough? So why did I want to throw my resolve straight out the window?

  “Thanks, Maggie. It’s been…rough,” he admitted, plucking at the skin around his fingernail. I looked at his hands, and noticed that all of the nails had been bitten to the quick. I wondered whether there would be any fresh cuts on his arms. Any healing scabs. Or had he defeated that particular demon?

  But there was no way I could ask him. “How’s Ruby holding up?” I asked, chancing a look at him up through my hair. I saw his body rise and fall with his deep sigh. He chewed at his bottom lip until it started to bleed. The picking around his fingers became almost frantic.

  “Not good. She’s barely keeping it together. I’m scared to leave her. I’m not sure what will happen when I go back.” I think I stopped breathing then.

  “So you are going back then?” I asked. I had suspected this was only a temporary visit, but hearing it confirmed definitely hurt. Which was ridiculous. We weren’t together anymore. But my feelings hadn’t changed. And even though I didn’t trust him with my heart, it was his nonetheless.

  Clay looked at me, smoothing his raw lip with his tongue. “I had planned on it. I still have a few weeks left at the center where I’ve been staying. But I just feel like I’d be abandoning Ruby. I’m not sure she’ll be able to handle living in this house alone.” He was scared, I could see that. And while part of me wanted to drag more information out of him about where he’d been for the last few months, a bigger part of me just wanted to let it go. There was no point it dredging it up right now. It would accomplish absolutely nothing.