Light in the Shadows

by A. Meredith Walters

  “Maggie just came by to drop off her mother’s casserole,” Ruby said tiredly, walking over to Clay and touched him on the cheek. “Why don’t you two visit for a while, I’m going to go lie down.” Ruby turned to me as she left the kitchen.

  “It was nice seeing you, Maggie. I hope to see you again soon.” For the first time I saw something alive flare in her eyes. They seemed to almost twinkle as she looked at me, a million messages being communicated. Her gaze drifted to her nephew and then back to me, an almost contented smile on her face. Then she left, leaving me feel strangely at peace.

  Looking at my phone, I knew I should be heading home but I was in no rush to leave the warm kitchen. Clay hadn’t moved from the doorway. He watched me hesitantly and I could tell he was nervous.

  “You got anything with chocolate around here? I’m sort of hungry,” I said lightly. And even though I had dinner waiting for me, I felt the need to something to break the tension.

  “Yeah, I think we have some cookies or something,” Clay said, finally coming into the room. He went about, rooting through the cabinets until he found a tin of chocolate chip cookies. Opening it up, he took one before handing it to me.

  I took my own cookie and put the tin down. “Thanks for bringing the food. Ruby hasn’t been up to cooking and I’m pretty sure I could burn water.” Clay smirked and I felt my lips twitch into a smile.

  “No problem. My mom goes through these compulsive cooking phases. Figure this way food isn’t going to waste.” I chewed on the cookie, trying not to be obvious in the way I stared at the boy who seemed ready to crawl out of his skin. Ruby’s words still rang in my ears. Regret. When I looked at Clay that’s definitely what I felt. Mostly for everything we never got to be. For everything I wanted so much to experience with him.

  But he still seemed so vulnerable. Fragile even. And I was scared to let myself get close to him again. I didn’t trust him with my heart. He’d broken it once already.

  “Well, tell her thank you, from both of us. Ramen noodles were getting old.” Clay wiped crumbs from his fingers and hooked his thumbs into his belt loops. I could tell he was winding down this non-existent conversation in order to retreat. Even as his eyes clung to mine in a way that said he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

  He was clearly as conflicted as I felt. “I should get upstairs and start on my homework.” Clay bobbed his head toward the hallway and I nodded.

  “Sure thing,” I replied and watched him turn around and leave. His broad back tense as he disappeared up the stairs. I reached up to touch the butterfly necklace. It lay hidden beneath my shirt and I was pretty sure that Clay hadn’t noticed it. But since putting it back on, it hadn’t left my neck.

  That unconscious reluctance to part with it spoke volumes.

  My fingers traced the delicate curves and I remembered the look on Clay’s face when he had given it to me.

  You make me feel free.

  Tears pricked my eyes and then before I knew what I was doing, I was heading up the stairs two at a time.

  I hurried down to the end of the hallway, pausing only briefly before pushing open Clay’s door. It bounced off the wall with a loud thud. Clay was sat on his bed and he looked up in shock. I was breathing heavily, my face flushed.

  “Maggie, is everything…” Clay began but stopped as I crossed the room and sank to the floor at his feet. I went up on my knees and grabbed his face between my hands. His gorgeous brown eyes widened and his lips parted in surprise.

  “I don’t want to wake up ten years from now regretting that I let this slip through my fingers. I don’t want to waste another moment without you in my life,” I let out in a rush. Clay’s hands came up and covered mine, his fingers slipping between the ones that held him. His eyes closed briefly and when he opened them they were wet with barely contained emotion.

  “God, Maggie. How can you say that after everything I put you through?” his voice cracked and my heart nearly split in two. I gripped his face tightly and pulled him toward me. Our noses brushed against one another and we looked at each other as if for the first time.

  “It’s because of everything we’ve been though that I can say it. I love you, Clayton Reed. God, I love you so damn much.” My strangled words came out in a whisper as I waited for him to hear me. To either accept or reject what I was giving him. I was taking the hugest risk handing him my heart and soul like this. Especially when they were still bruised from the last time he held them. I had agonized about not trusting him. About my fears of being ripped apart all over again.

  But that didn’t change the gut wrenching response I had whenever I saw him. The way my heart beat just for him. I wasn’t sure I could live my life having turned my back on the person who made me feel truly alive. And I was sick of being a coward. My love for this beautifully broken, yet slowly healing boy, made me strong.

  Clay took a deep breath and slowly, achingly so, rubbed his nose along the side of my cheek. I closed my eyes as his lips gently touched the corner of my mouth and then made their way along my jaw. He was breathing deeply, inhaling me in.

  My hands, still cradling his face, began to tremble with the intense anticipation. Clay uncurled his fingers from around mine and moved them into my hair; digging them into the thick waves and holding tight.

  “You are everything good in my life. Even when I thought all I had was the darkness, you were there. And you gave me something to live for. I couldn’t let you go. No matter how hard I tried. I know now that’s because to lose you would be losing the very best part of myself.” I opened my eyes to see Clay staring back at me, tears sliding down his face. He leaned in and his lips a whisper as they closed in.

  “I love you, Maggie. More than you could ever possibly understand.” Clay tightened his grip in my hair and slammed his mouth over mine. I rose up on my knees and pressed my chest into his. His tongue plunged passed my lips. Not a gentle probing. This was a passionate invasion and my body quivered with desire.

  I let go of Clay’s face so I could wrap my arms around him, holding him as tightly as he held me. Our mouths slanted over each other time and time again, our breathing heavy and erratic. My heart beat wildly behind my ribcage.

  When Clay’s mouth moved away from mine to start a tortuous path of light kisses and loving nips along the side of my neck, I let out a deep and guttural groan. I should have been mortified with the way I responded to him. But we were way passed embarrassment.

  Clay’s hands left my hair and clutched at the back of my shirt, pulling it up to find bare skin. And then we were touching and tasting. There was not one ounce of hesitation or reticence in our actions. This was the culmination of months of desperate longing.

  When we finally came up for air, our lips bruised and swollen, we could only stare at each other. Clay ran his hand along the side of my face. “How could I ever think life without you would be worth living?” he asked, seemingly mystified.

  I grinned, brimming with the delicious high of Clay’s kisses. “Stop trying to find out.” I kissed him lightly on the mouth again. I couldn’t tear myself away. Now that I had allowed myself to climb over the wall, there was no way I was turning back now.

  Because right then, in the heat of the moment, it was so easy to forget the mountain of issues that had nearly destroyed us the last time. But when we finally separated and Clay pulled me into his arms and back onto his bed, I knew I couldn’t go into this blind again. My eyes needed to be open and aware. We had come too far, lost too much and I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

  Clay’s fingers made lazy trails through the thick heaviness of my hair and the quiet comfort was just as intoxicating as our moment of passion. “We have a lot to talk about, Maggie. A lot that needs to be said. We can’t pick up where we left off; because that was a place I never want to be again.” Clay’s words were hard and bitter but I understood where he was coming from.

  I propped up on my elbow and looked down at him. “I know. We have to do it right this time,�
�� I said, tracing the line of his eyebrows with my fingertip. Clay grabbed my hand and placed a kiss into the open palm.

  “We will. We have to. Because the alternative isn’t one I can live with. Not anymore.” I started to kiss him again when my phone buzzed in my pocket. We groaned simultaneously and then gave each other silly smiles.

  I had received a new text message. It was from my dad, asking where I was. I didn’t have much time before he came over here, guns blazing. Particularly when I was engaging in the very behavior he didn’t want for me. “Shit.” I jumped up and straightened my clothes and ran my fingers though my hair.

  “I’ve got to get home. Dad ordered pizza,” I explained lamely as Clay sat up. He grabbed me by the back of the knees and tugged me forward until I stood between his legs. He looked up at me and the grin on his face made being late for dinner so completely worth it.

  “Can I call you? Later?” he asked me and I giggled at his adorable insecurity.

  I bent over and captured his mouth with mine again, pulling back before we could deepen it, knowing my dad was waiting less than patiently for me to get home. “You damn well better,” I warned him, poking him lightly in the chest.

  Clay ran his hands up the back of my thighs, sending a jolt straight between my legs. “Well, then, I’ll call you this evening.” His voice sounded husky as his hands inched higher up my legs. I stopped their slow ascent just shy of my butt and pulled them away.

  “I have to go,” I groaned, putting distance between us. Clay wearing a satisfied smile followed me out into the hallway. I noticed Ruby’s door was closed. “Tell her I said goodbye, okay,” I told Clay.

  “Of course,” he said, twining his hand with mine as we walked down the stairs and out to my dad’s minivan.

  “Nice wheels,” he joked and I elbowed him playfully in the ribs. I opened the driver side door but turned around to kiss him lightly on the lips one last time. I was an addict and Clay was my crack. Crappy analogy, I know, but it was the truth.

  The thought of losing him again was a very real and legitimate fear. Clay was right, we needed to talk. My distrust and insecurity still reigned supreme and if we were going to have a future, these issues needed to be addressed.

  But for this moment, I could simply enjoy being with him again. Of being granted something I had wished for but never hoped to have. It made me a believer in second chances.

  Clay’s eyes darkened and he ran his thumb along my bottom lip. “Thanks for coming by, Maggie. And thank you for…well…you.” He smiled and dropped his eyes almost bashfully. I chuckled.

  “You don’t have to thank me for something that was always yours,” I told him. Yuck, I was such a sap. His eyes came immediately back to mine and I forgot about my saccharine induced mortification. We didn’t kiss again, but Clay’s hand cupped my cheek and I grasped his arm. My phone buzzed in my pocket again.

  My dad, the cock blocker. He would probably love that title.

  “Gotta go before Dad blows a gasket,” I said, climbing behind the wheel. Clay closed the door, slowly backing away from the van. I felt his eyes on me until I knew he could no longer see me. And there was nothing in this world, not even the threat of my parents’ disapproval, that could wipe the hard earned smile from my face.

  Chapter Seventeen

  -Clay-

  So here I was, living my dream. My hand wrapped around Maggie’s smaller one as we walked into the school together. It was like déjà vu and writing a whole new chapter all at the same time.

  This was familiar but new. I still couldn’t believe that we were here. In this place I hadn’t dared to think about. But this beautiful reality I found myself in was laced with that other thing. The weight of our past and the heaviness of our future.

  I was so happy. But fucking terrified at the same time. Because my brain still worked against me. Trying to twist this amazing thing into that something ugly. And that is why I still took my medication. Still went to therapy religiously. I would not ruin us this time. I had miraculously been given another chance. Another opportunity to live my life the way I was meant to.

  Maggie and I still needed to talk. To lay so many things out on the table. But it was as though we were both scared to shatter this tentative peace we had created. Which was stupid. If there was one thing the both of us had learned it was that ignoring things didn’t make them go away. It only made it harder to face them when they finally came around to beat the shit out of you.

  But for now we were going with plausible deniability and blissful ignorance wrapped up together in a blend of perfect delusion.

  And for now that wasn’t a bad thing.

  Last year had been about me and my crap. This time, I wanted to focus on Maggie.

  My fingers flexed around hers as we walked through the front doors of the school. I swear to God, it was like everyone within a twenty foot radius ground to a halt and watched our progress down the hall.

  I caught the firm lift of Maggie’s chin as though she were defying everyone. Daring them to say something. And God help them if they did. Because my girl was fierce and I would place my money on her any day.

  I tried not to give a shit. What did these people mean in the grand scheme of my life? Not when the girl I would walk over burning, hot coals for was holding my hand. It really was all about the simple stuff. The bigger things, like my crazy, fucked up head shit could be put on hold for a little while longer.

  We stopped at her locker while she twisted the dial. I could see the tremors in her hand and I knew this was taking a lot out of her. And I realized that I didn’t know what she had to endure while I was in Florida. How much bullshit she had to swallow on a daily basis. But by the tension in her shoulders and the clench of her jaw, I could tell it had been a lot. And I felt even more like an ass for abandoning her the way that I had.

  Here I was, the King of Abandonment issues, dishing it out with the worst of them. I had to make this better if it was the last thing I did.

  “Do you have any plans for Friday night?” I asked her, shoving my hands into the pocket of my coat. The old green army jacket that I had worn like a second skin had long been lost. Left in that hotel room in North Carolina with the rest of the stuff I would never see again. Getting my shit out of the place where I had nearly destroyed everything hadn’t been high on my list of priorities. But damned if I didn’t miss the stupid thing. It was just a coat but for some reason it was like leaving a piece of me behind.

  It really was ridiculous at how sentimental I became about the most inconsequential objects.

  Maggie gave me a shy smile. This new, more reserved Maggie Young was hard to get used to at times. The Maggie I had met all those months ago was in your face. She didn’t hesitate to tell you what she was thinking, even if it hurt. She wasn’t ever cruel; she just lacked any patience for games. And that’s one of the million things I loved about her.

  This Maggie was different. She seemed unsure and hesitant. She appeared to think before she spoke as though worried about the way her words would be received.

  This Maggie made it her mission to disappear. And I hated that. Because I knew deep down that it was because of me. I had changed Maggie May Young in ways I had yet to understand.

  I didn’t love her any less for it. In fact I loved her more than I thought my heart was capable of. But it didn’t stop the all too familiar sting of regret deep in my gut.

  I reached out and tucked a fly away strand of dark brown hair behind her ear. Her shorter hair took some getting used to. Just another example of how much my girl had changed in the three short months we had been a part.

  But they might as well have been three years and I had a lot to make up for.

  “No plans,” she said quietly, stuffing her bag into the locker and grabbing her books for class.

  I cupped the side of her neck and tugged her closer. I kissed the tip of her nose, making her blush. It was beautiful the way her skin flushed when I touched her. “I’d like to take you out,”
I said, grinning at her.

  “Like a date?” Maggie asked incredulously. I felt that jab of regret again, her surprise hitting me like a slap in the face. Regret was quickly replaced by guilt. I suddenly realized that we had never exactly gone out on a date. Before, we had spent most of our time at my house or Ruby’s shop. Sure, we went to Bubbles for sundaes and we’d rent movies. But I had not once taken her on a proper date.

  Dinner, movie, walking her to the door and stealing a kiss goodnight.

  Fuck! I really was an asshole. No, not just an asshole, but a selfish asshole.

  My smile was a bit more pained after that but I held it all the same. “Yeah, like a date. I want to take you out to dinner. Then you can drag me to whatever lame ass chick flick is playing.” Maggie’s smile grew wider and if I could punch myself in the nuts I would. Yep, I was a selfish asshole.

  “That sounds good. Um. Though, I haven’t…well…” Maggie stumbled and my eyebrows knit together.

  “Spit it out,” I teased, tugging on her ponytail. Maggie bit her bottom lip and I wanted to pull it free with my teeth. I felt a stirring in my jeans and had to tamp down the urge to maul her in the hallway.

  “Well, my parents don’t know about you and me. I haven’t told them.” Well, that was like a bucket of cold water on my burgeoning hard on.

  “Oh. Okay. If you want to meet me somewhere, that’s cool.” No it wasn’t cool. It was the farthest thing from cool I could think of. This brought me perilously close to the way I felt before. When one of my greatest fears was never being the guy Mr. and Mrs. Young felt their only child deserved.

  And I had proven their worries were completely founded.

  I didn’t blame Maggie for not telling them. I wasn’t convinced I could ever be what they wanted for their daughter. But I was trying my fucking hardest.

  But hearing her hesitance to share our relationship with her mom and dad made me feel like shit. As though I was again the shameful secret. A role, I thought was singularly reserved for me as the son of Mr. and Mrs. Reed.