Light in the Shadows

by A. Meredith Walters

  Clay touched his finger to the ring that symbolized his commitment to me. “And as long as we’re together, I think we can get through anything. I promise to never shut you out of my life again. I was miserable the three months we were apart. I thought I was doing it for you, but call me selfish, but I can’t do that again. No matter where I go, or what I do, I want you in my life,” he concluded, his face soft, his eyes full of love.

  Shit, I was done. I gave a strangled sort of sob and threw myself at him, kissing every inch of his beloved face. “I love you, Clay! My god, I love you so much!” I said over and over again. We probably would have gotten lost in each other again, if his phone didn’t start beeping.

  He gave me an apologetic smile and grabbed it and let out an “oh fuck.”

  “What is it?” I asked as he got hurriedly to his feet and started pulling on his clothes.

  “Baby, you need to get dressed. We’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on. And your parents have only recently stopped looking at me as though I’m going to abscond with you in the middle of the night again. So come on,” he ordered, grabbing my hand.

  “Alright, alright,” I grumbled, not really feeling the need to have a family dinner after what I had just experienced with Clay. That had made my birthday and I wasn’t sure anything else could top it.

  We touched and laughed and kissed while we got dressed, reveling in a renewed closeness. A closeness that was beyond what we had ever had before.

  “Thank you so much for making this the best birthday I’ve ever had,” I said, turning to Clay as he parked in front of my house. We met in a beautiful, soul melting kiss before Clay broke away.

  “We’d better get in there before your dad skins me alive.” I huffed and puffed but finally got out of the car. I was so blissed out from the perfect afternoon with Clay that I didn’t notice the excess number of cars on the street.

  I walked into the house and dozens of voices called out, “Happy Birthday!” I blinked in surprise, looking around at my house now full of friends and acquaintances and every single one of them was looking at me.

  I turned to Clay who was grinning a Cheshire Cat smile and wagged my finger at him, “You are so going to get it for not warning me!” He gave me a gentle shove forward and I was enveloped by the people who loved me.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  -Clay-

  I was being a complete and total coward. Why hadn’t I just told Maggie my plans for after graduation? I watched her interact with her party guests; laughing and hugging her friends and family. The smile on her face, the look of complete happiness was exactly the reason I had chickened out. I didn’t want to be the reason she lost that look.

  “So what did you guys get into all afternoon?” Daniel asked and I almost choked on my drink.

  “Oh, you know, we went swimming and just hung out, “ I told him vaguely. Daniel raised his eyebrows and gave me a knowing stare.

  “I’m sure that was fun, hanging out. Probably the less I know about you guys hanging out, the better. Otherwise I’ll have to take out your kneecaps and all. And I was just starting to kind of like you,” Daniel smirked and I smirked back.

  “Yeah, okay,” I agreed, my eyes returning to Maggie as she circulated around her party. I had been surprised as hell when her parents had called me last week and told me their plans for a surprise party. They asked for my help in setting things up and it was the first time I had felt as though Mr. and Mrs. Young had come close to accepting me as a part of Maggie’s life.

  Which is why I had to tell Maggie about what I was going to do. But I was scared. I wasn’t sure how she’d react. But I couldn’t put it off. But it didn’t have to happen right now. Right now, Maggie just needed to enjoy herself. My news could wait.

  “Are you guys coming to Beach Week with Rachel and me next week? Maggie hasn’t said,” Daniel asked. Fuck, I had forgotten about Beach Week. Maggie had hinted about it, but I hadn’t committed to it, knowing that in actuality I couldn’t.

  “I don’t know, man,” was all I said. Daniel gave me a funny look but didn’t press me about it. He called out greetings to different people and I felt a little out of place. It was sad that I had never bothered to get to know many people at Jackson in the time I had been here. I had been so inwardly focused or obsessed with my relationship with Maggie, that I think I had missed out on some key aspects of growing up. Like making friends, and going to football games, and all that other shit that came with high school.

  But then my eyes fell on Maggie again and I couldn’t feel regret for anything. Because it all brought me here, to her. And that made up for everything else.

  “You know, I’m glad we’ve gotten to hang out the past few months. I feel bad for never really giving you a chance. I’m sorry if I gave you a hard time. It’s just when it comes to my girls, I get a bit over protective. It was easier for me to judge you before. Because I didn’t really get the way you were with Mags. But since Rachel, let’s just say I understand now,” Daniel offered and I knew his eyes were following his girlfriend just as I was following mine.

  “You and Rachel seem good. It’s nice to see,” I said, noticing the goofy smile that took over his face.

  “Yeah, we’re good. It took us awhile to get here. But it’s all worth it in the end. I’m sure you get that,” Daniel said looking over at me. I think Daniel and I got each other pretty damn well.

  “Yeah, I get that,” I responded.

  “Hey, Danny,” a voice said, coming up behind us. I glanced at the person who now stood on the other side of Daniel and instantly felt my blood pressure rise. Fucking Jake Fitzsimmons. Who the hell had invited that jack ass? Though I guess it made sense that he was here. He and Maggie had been friends for a while. But he was also the guy who had tried to take my place in my girl’s life and he was not my favorite person.

  “Hi Jake. You just get here?” Daniel asked and even he seemed to tense up a bit at the other guy’s appearance.

  “Yeah. Though I can’t stay long. I just wanted to make sure to give the birthday girl a kiss,” Jake smirked and I felt my head start to buzz and my jaw clench. My teeth started to ache with way I was gnashing them.

  Jake glanced at me and his smirk grew. “Hey there, Clay. Didn’t know you’d be here.” His voice seemed to taunt me. I knew he was just trying to get under my skin. Jake had never been overt in his aggression toward me. After the one conversation we had at Java Madness, he seemed to avoid me. And that suited me just fine. So I wasn’t sure what the hell he was trying to do by purposefully antagonizing me now.

  Daniel narrowed his eyes at his friend. “Be cool, Jake. This is Maggie’s party,” he warned and even I would have stood down at the underlying threat there. Jake laughed bitterly.

  “I am being cool, Danny. I’ve been nothing but cool. Since this psycho upped and left town, leaving Maggie to fall apart. Who was the one that helped her through that? It certainly wasn’t him! It was you and Rachel and me! And what did playing the nice guy get me? Definitely not the girl. It seems being an anti-social asshole is the way to Maggie Young’s heart.”

  Daniel seemed to reach the same conclusion that I did. We both shoved Jake straight toward the door leading into the back yard. The hard look on Daniel’s face most likely mirrored my own. “I told you to drop this shit, Jake! I get that your pride is bruised, but this is not the time or place to be doling this crap out. So you need to either get your act together and enjoy the party or just fucking leave,” Daniel ground out, getting into Jake’s face. But Jake continued to glare at me.

  “I’ve got your number, man. I know what kind of person you are. Look at me, I’m Clay Reed, and I’m so tortured and misunderstood. Whatever. You will never make her happy. You will never give her any sort of life. You will only fuck her up and fuck her over every chance you get. If you were any sort of decent individual you’d leave her the hell alone and get out of town. Go ruin someone else’s life,” Jake yelled, his face flushing red.

&nbs
p; This guy was way past pissing me off. He was lucky he was still standing and if Daniel hadn’t been between us, this fucker’s ass would be on the floor.

  I got as close to Jake as Daniel would allow and when I spoke, I made my words very clear. “I know what it’s like to love her. And then to lose her. It sucks. So in a way, I feel bad for you. But that doesn’t mean you can come to her house and disrespect her in anyway. I love her. I plan to make a life with her. And so sorry for you, but she chose me. She will always choose me. So just fucking live with it and move on.”

  Jake opened his mouth to say something and then seemed to think better of it. He wrenched himself out of Daniel’s grip and left the yard through the gate. “Well, that was pleasant,” Daniel said dryly, pounding my back with his hand. “Let’s go get something to eat, I’m starving.” I nodded in agreement and followed the guy who had somehow become a new friend into Maggie’s house.

  Jake never reappeared. I guess he had gotten the hint and taken a hike. I spent most of the evening with Daniel and a few of his friends. I mostly just enjoyed seeing Maggie have fun. I missed out on this side of her too many times.

  “Nice job on the ring, Clay,” Rachel enthused later on in the party. Daniel groaned and shot me a hateful look.

  “Thanks, man. Do you realize you’re setting a standard that the rest of us poor shumucks somehow have to live up to? Do the brotherhood a favor and stop being such a pussy!” Daniel punched me in the arm and I tried not to wince. But hell if it didn’t hurt.

  Rachel glared at her boyfriend. “You need to shut up. Just because Clay actually understands the word romance doesn’t mean he’s a pussy.”

  Daniel laughed. “Uh, yeah it does actually.”

  “Give it up, Daniel, before you get kneed in the junk,” I warned, seeing the way Rachel’s face darkened dangerously. Daniel struggled to maintain a straight face.

  “I’m sorry, babe. You’re right I need to channel some of Clay’s douchy, I mean awesome romantic qualities,” Daniel choked out and Rachel finally gave it up and giggled. They were such a functional couple. It was sort of awe inspiring.

  The night started to wind down and Maggie’s guests began to leave. Finally there was only Daniel, Rachel and I left. Mr. and Mrs. Young had ordered some pizza, because most of the food from the party had been eaten up early on. We started cleaning up. Rachel and Daniel became comically competitive about it, making the whole process take twice as long as it should have.

  “Thanks Mom and Dad! And Rach, Danny, I just love you guys,” Maggie said, clutching a trash bag to her chest. Her parents gave her a hug, followed by her friends. I kissed the top of her head and she looked up at me with an expression that literally took my breath away. I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of looking at her.

  “And you already know what I think of you,” her eyebrows waggling suggestively and I chuckled. We moved out into the yard to pick up more trash. Rachel and Daniel had given up and were watching television and Maggie’s parents were in the kitchen drinking coffee.

  “So, I know we haven’t really talked about it. But what do you think about Beach Week? Daniel and Rachel rented this amazing house right on the water at Virginia Beach. It would be really fun. My parents would be fine with you going, particularly since I’m a full grown adult now,” Maggie grinned and my stomach knotted up.

  I hadn’t wanted to do this now, but I couldn’t keep putting her off. I had been evasive and vague about my plans for after graduation. It wasn’t fair to her.

  “I don’t think I can do that,” I told her, dropping the trashcan and sitting heavily on the patio chair. Maggie’s face fell and I already hated myself for what I was about to do.

  “Oh, okay, that’s fine. But maybe we could go away somewhere later in the summer. Just the two of us. That would be really nice, don’t you think?” Maggie was starting to ramble now and I knew she was picking up on my unease.

  I took ahold of her hand and pulled her into the seat beside me. “Maggie,” I started.

  “We could go to Ocean City, or even New York. Anywhere as long as we’re together!” Maggie was on a roll, as though if she talked fast enough and long enough, I would forget about whatever it was I was trying to tell her. The thing that she feared would break her heart. And I wasn’t so sure she wasn’t right.

  “Maggie,” I tried again. She stared straight ahead, not even glancing my way.

  “I’ve always wanted to go to Savannah. I’ve heard it’s beautiful. We could take a week and just drive.” She sounded almost desperate and I knew I had to put a stop to it.

  “Maggie, stop talking for a minute and please listen to me,” I pleaded and she instantly shut her mouth and lowered her eyes.

  “Okay, sorry,” Maggie murmured. I cupped her cheeks between my palms and lifted her face to mine. I kissed her slowly and thoroughly. I needed to taste her and savor her before dropping my news in her unsuspecting lap.

  “I want to do all of those things with you. I really do. There is nothing I want more than to explore this world with you. But it can’t happen. At least not for a while. I can’t make you any specific promises about my future because right now things have to be put on hold. For me at least. For us,” I said slowly, watching as comprehension dawned on her face.

  She turned to look at me apprehensively. “What are you trying to say?” she asked, her voice trembling and I hated to do this to her. Not after everything she had already been through because of me. But I honestly felt this was for the best.

  “I’m readmitting myself into the Grayson Center for a six month program. Then after that, I will most likely go into a group home for a while longer. I’ve already talked with Dr. Todd and I’m set to be checked in next Wednesday,” I said, seeing the way her face paled.

  “You’re going back to Grayson’s? To Florida? But why? I thought things were going fine. That you were doing better,” Maggie seemed so lost and I wish I had the magic answer for her. So instead I just tried to explain.

  “I’ve tried, Mags. I really have. And while some things are changing, I still have so far to go. The truth is every day is a struggle. Some days I can barely get out of bed.”

  “But your medication…” Maggie started and I shook my head.

  “I told you before it wasn’t a cure all. It helps, but it doesn’t fix everything. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about hurting myself. Of ending the pain. It’s like there’s this voice in my head that tells me to do it. That no one loves me, that I’m nothing but a burden,” I could hear the strain in my voice and I couldn’t even look at Maggie.

  “But that’s not true, Clay! You have so many people that love you! You have never been a burden! That’s ridiculous!” she implored, as she reached for me. Her hands clutched at my shirt and I almost lost my resolve. Almost.

  “But don’t you see, the fact that I think about it at all means I’m not ready. I’m not ready to plan any sort of future. I need to focus on the present and getting my shit sorted. Otherwise I’m not good to myself or to you. I can’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you!” My voice started to rise and I had to work on keeping it at a normal volume. Particularly when all I wanted to do was scream.

  “What about the ring? All those promises you made just a few hours ago? Was that just a way to butter me up, to soften the blow? I can’t believe you!” Maggie’s tears were coming in earnest now.

  “No, Maggie! I meant every word I said! But those promises are for what I hope is our future! I won’t leave this time and shut you out. I can’t do that again. To either of us. I want you to take this journey with me, wherever it goes. I hope that you’ll wait for me to get myself together. I know it’s incredibly selfish of me to even ask you to. But knowing you’re waiting for me on the other end of all this will make the process that much easier to deal with,” I said sincerely. Maggie started hiccupping and heaving. Raw, ugly tears ripped from her chest and I felt helpless.

  “I understand if that’s asking too much.
But I need you to understand that I’m not leaving you this time! I’m going away for a little while to work on my head. But that I hope you will be there every step of the way. I’ll support you and you will support me. We’ll learn together what a healthy and functional relationship looks like. Because as I am right now, I know I can’t give that to you. And I want to give that to you. Because I want my life to begin and end with us together.”

  My heart was beating so hard in my chest, the blood rushing through my ears so that I could barely hear Maggie’s whispered response.

  I leaned in closer, gripping her hands tightly in my own. “I’ll wait for you. I’ll always wait for you,” she swore. Her tears had stopped and she seemed to have settled down. I cautiously reached out and ran my fingers through her hair, stopping to rest my hand on the back of her neck. I rested my forehead against hers.

  “Are you sure?” I asked her. I didn’t want her to feel pressured into it. This had to be her choice. If she chose to walk away, I’d let her; even though I knew I’d never move on from her. I would do it for her.

  “I’m sure, Clay. I want to be with you. And even if it takes fifty years, I’ll be there at the end of it all,” she said firmly and I couldn’t stop the smile that spread across my face.

  “I love you, Maggie May Young. Always and forever.” And then my mouth touched hers and I felt my future begin.