The Lies We Tell

by Katie Rae

  Was I an idiot to make this decision without even talking to her first?

  Probably.

  Was I stupid for turning down this money and ending a career for a woman I had just met six weeks ago?

  Sure. I can maybe see that.

  But I didn’t regret the words. I didn’t regret the sentiment. I meant it. And a wave of relief washed over me knowing this meant that Becca could have her career and I could have her--without the lies and secrets from hiding.

  “Are you serious?” Tim finally spoke. “You’re joking right?”

  I shook my head and sat up in my chair. “I’m not joking. I want to sign retirement papers instead.”

  The shock on Coach’s face was almost funny. I would have laughed if they wouldn’t have thought I was a certifiable.

  “Chase, you can’t be serious. This contract is everything you’ve wanted,” Tim urged.

  “I know,” I turned to the guys across the table from me, “And I know you all have worked hard for this. But there is something I want more than baseball. And I can’t have both. My heart is telling me to hang up my cleats.”

  “When do you want this to happen?” Coach asked.

  “Now?” It was a question. I didn’t know how long something like this took to follow through with.

  The owner of the team cleared his throat, “Chase, that is something we will need to write up and then make an announcement for. We can’t make that happen today.”

  I nodded, understanding. “Tomorrow then?”

  “Why don’t we give it a few days, see if you still feel the same way. We will even leave this offer here on this table,” he said.

  I wouldn’t change my mind. But I let him think that was a great idea. At least that would give me time to tell Becca. I could play a few innings tomorrow and then tell Manny he needed to pray he could pass a drug test, because the plate was his.

  I stood up, just wanting to get out of there, away from their confused stares.

  Tim followed me out of the door, ranting and raving about the mistake I was making. He tried to get me to walk back in there and sign. He begged me. He almost fucking cried.

  But I stood firm.

  I would never regret giving it all up to try and be everything she needed.

  With her having dinner with her friend, I had to do my night routine alone, which wasn’t a big deal since I had it down to an art. So, I was on the floor when a text chimed on my phone.

  Becca: *image sent* Same dress. Same result?

  I smiled. She was in her sundress. The last time she wore that dress was the first night we were together.

  Chase: You look beautiful. Definitely the same result.

  Becca: I feel like I should cancel and come up there with you now. I feel guilty not celebrating with you tonight.

  I wanted that too, but she didn’t need to feel guilty or change her plans. Especially when there was nothing to celebrate. At least not until I told her what happened. And that wasn’t something I was forcing to happen tonight.

  Chase: I’m gonna grab a drink with a few of the guys.

  That wasn’t the truth, but it would ease her guilt.

  Becca: Ok, still want me to come up later?

  Chase: Of course, text me when you’re done at dinner.

  Becca: xoxo

  I laid my phone down on the floor beside me, content with not going anywhere. Happy with just waiting for her.

  I stood up intending to get a shower, but I didn’t make it that far. I was so exhausted, the adrenaline finally oozing from my pores.

  I laid across the bed, just for a minute. I just needed a minute.

  But the next thing I knew, it was 8 am. I had slept through the night. I had missed calls and texts from Becca. I even missed our normal morning meet up.

  I shot out of bed and headed to the stadium, completely unprepared for the clusterfuck that lied ahead

  Chapter 29

  Becca

  I got to work the next day in a frenzy. I had been texting Chase all night and all morning, but he hadn’t texted me back. A small part of me worried he ended up having drinks with Kris, taking him up on the offer to help out with his girl situation. What else was I supposed to think?

  Insecurity was running rampant and jealousy was rearing its ugly head. I was a mess going to my own room last night. I was neurotic when he still didn't answer this morning for PT.

  I had a history of overreacting when it came to Chase. But something felt off last night. I felt it before I left to go out. I sensed it. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

  I would have bailed on Ali in a heartbeat if I hadn’t felt the need to tell her I was not pregnant.

  To show her I was ok.

  To make her believe me.

  “Becs, just get a test and be done with it,” she suggested.

  “I will, if it will get you off my back.”

  She smiled and nodded to my glass of water, “Why are you not drinking tonight?”

  “Because if you recall, alcohol was one of the things I threw up the other night. Definitely not appealing to me right now.”

  “Mmmmm hmmm,” was all she had said before letting me change the subject.

  I still don’t think she believed me. And that meant Kace and Cam didn’t believe me either. But I didn’t have time to worry with them, I needed to find Chase and make sure everything was ok this morning.

  “Becca, come in here please,” Gary shouted as I had passed by his open office door.

  “Sir?” I asked popping my head in.

  “We are ready to sign you on. You ready?”

  I wasn’t. In fact, after yesterday, I knew I never would be.

  It wasn’t just that I wanted to be with Chase. It was also that even if we broke it off, I would never be able to work this closely with him and not want to tear his eyes out every time Kris suggested they go out.

  And if he was out with Kris last night, then I was already done. I wouldn't recover and be professional enough to still make this work.

  The second I fell for Chase was the second I lost this job for good.

  “Gary. I can't take the job.”

  Gary’s eyes almost fell out of his head. “Excuse me?”

  I tried to smile to lighten the mood, but he needed to know now, so he could offer the job to one of the other guys.

  “I am so sorry. This has been the best experience of my career. I came here wanting nothing more than to work for this team. But….” I paced a little, eager to get done here and find Chase, but also reluctant to finish my sentence. “Things have changed over the last few weeks, and now I think I need to take a step back and think about what I need to do.”

  “What could have changed? I don’t understand. Are the players giving you shit? Is this anything we can fix?”

  I shook my head at his words, he couldn’t fix this.

  “I am thankful for this opportunity.” I started to tear up a little. I didn’t plan on having this conversation first thing this morning. I didn’t even realize this was my plan until it came out of my mouth. “I plan to finish the spring out. Only a few more days, but I know you need all the hands you can get for those few days.”

  “We can offer you more, Becca. I really don’t want to lose your experience and aptitude. You’ve been just what we needed here. What can I do to change your mind?”

  “Nothing,” a tear escaped, so I mumbled something about needing to work and ran from the office.

  I felt dizzy. The morning was already too much. My head was pounding. My arms were shaking.

  I wanted Chase.

  I needed Chase.

  Where the hell was Chase?

  Then, it finally happened. Five minutes later, when I walked into the locker room.

  My head finally exploded.

  Chapter 30

  Becca

  “What the fuck, Chase? What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

  That was the first thing I heard when I walked into the locker room. I sto
pped just inside the doorway as Ethan was charging across from his locker over to Chase’s.

  “What am I doing?” Chase asked while pulling a shirt over his head and running his arms through.

  “I just talked to Tim. You wanna tell me what in the actual fuck you’re thinking?”

  “What business is it of yours? Just because we share an agent doesn’t mean we share all our secrets. What made Tim think he had a right to tell you anything?”

  “He wants me to talk you out of being stupid. Apparently, I have two hours to accomplish that before you sign your life away.”

  “What’s going on?” Kace asked.

  “Yeah, what the hell are you two fighting about?” Fernandez asked, standing up from his stool near Chase’s. Kris and a few other guys walked in to see what was going on. Keith and Eddie also stopped their conversation to watch. It was still early, so the locker room wasn’t full, but there was an audience, nonetheless.

  No one seemed to notice me standing by the door. I was frozen in place, wondering what Ethan was so upset about.

  “Nothing!” Chase yelled.

  “It’s not nothing. Chase refused his big ass contract yesterday and made a motion to retire.”

  I gasped. Retire?

  I must have been louder than I thought because all heads turned my direction.

  “Oh my God, no,” I whispered and put my hands over my mouth and started shaking my head.

  This was about me. This was my fault.

  I was as sure of that as I was my own name.

  Chase was eyeing me, gauging my reaction without being obvious that my reaction was the one he cared about. He had a bag in his hand and his locker looked emptier, like he had been cleaning it out.

  Oh God. He’s for real.

  “What do you care?” Chase finally asked Ethan.

  “You’re my catcher. You’re my partner. And you just up and decide to leave me and the team three days before the season starts? It’s fucked up, Turner.”

  “I didn’t make this decision to hurt your little feelings, Jones. I made it for me. There is something else I need to see through right now. It's personal.”

  Ethan started to get upset again, but before any words left his mouth, Kace spoke up.

  “He’s right, Ethan. He has some things he needs to work through.”

  Chase looked to him, questioning in his eyes.

  Then he looked to me, silently asking how much Kace knew about us. I shook my head as slightly as I could, my eyes still wide and my hands still on my face. Kace didn’t know anything. Did he?

  “What do you know about what I am going through?” Chase asked, daring Kace to speak up. Kace wouldn’t hurt me in front of everyone, and Chase was taking that chance by calling him out.

  Kace looked to Kris who nodded at him to keep going.

  “We know you’re struggling with alcohol, man. I think you need to get right. It’s more important than the game right now.”

  Now my head was really spinning. What was happening? Chase had alcohol issues? Chase never drank when we were together. And I never tasted it on his lips.

  “What in the hell are you talking about?” Chase asked, sincerely looking confused.

  “You’re car. It’s fucked up. You’re not hanging out anymore. The one night you did hang out you downed an ass-ton of whiskey in record time and then bailed on us. We rode to the bar in your car. Cam saw AA and rehab pamphlets shoved under the seat, man. The receipts for all the liquor stuffed in the backseat.”

  Chase had his head down, his hands on his hips. He was shaking his head in denial, but not saying anything.

  Once his head popped up, he sighed. “No sense in lying anymore.”

  “So, you do have a problem, Chase?” Fernandez asked, almost giddy over the idea of Chase having a major flaw.

  “No. I don’t,” Chase stated, “But my dad does. The receipts were his. The pamphlets were things I picked up randomly, hoping I could find one for him.”

  The guys, including myself took a step back.

  No one was going to condemn Chase for anything his dad did. But why keep it a secret? Why hide it? Why lie?

  Suddenly I didn’t feel like I knew Chase as well as I thought I did. We had shared so much, but not once did he feel comfortable enough to confide in me the struggles with his dad.

  Yeah, I know, I was a hypocrite.

  “I don’t buy that shit. Or maybe you and daddy both have a taste for the hard stuff,” Fernandez said.

  Chase rolled his eyes and scoffed, “That’s rich, coming from someone who takes ‘vitamins’ every morning. You may want to double-check that label because, after today, you’re gonna get more piss tests than Lance Armstrong.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” Fernandez yelled and looked my way. I was the one that had caught him taking the pills. He knew I was the one that had said something.

  “Don’t look at her,” Chase yelled. “This has nothing to do with her. All I am saying is, you need to worry about yourself.”

  “Wait,” Kace stepped up, “Fernandez? What the fuck?”

  “Don’t even, Cap. Turner over here is taking the word of an intern. An intern that Keith has been fucking behind the scenes for a while now.” Then he looked at me. “You can’t throw stones when you are over there sinning yourself, babydoll.”

  What in the actual fuck? Did he just say I was sleeping with Keith? How in the hell did we get this far?

  I started breathing hard, shaking my head ‘no’ again in denial. I eyed everyone, all eyes back on me.

  Did they believe that?

  I looked at Keith who looked like he was ready to throw up. But he wasn’t denying anything.

  “I heard Keith on the phone, Turner. I handed that information to you and told you to get his head back in the game. Instead you do what? Ignore me.”

  “You had it out for Becca,” Chase yelled. “I had no reason to believe you.”

  “You believe me now? Because Keith over there isn’t exactly denying it, are you lover boy?” Fernandez was wrong. I had never even spoken more than four words to Keith.

  I was mortified. I couldn’t even speak. I just kept shaking my head no.

  I looked to Keith, begging him to speak for me. Begging him to tell the truth. What did he have to gain from lying right now?

  But he never opened his mouth.

  He took two steps back, apologizing to me with his pained expression, but never admitting the truth.

  Chase eyed us back and forth, debating on what he was going to believe. This was the first time I had seen questioning in his eyes directed at me, and it hurt.

  Kace was also looking at me disbelieving.

  Then like a bolt of lightning, it hit me. From somewhere deep inside me, I knew. And as much as I didn’t want to hurt Keith, I wanted to protect myself more.

  I wanted Chase to believe I had never been with anyone else but him.

  My throat was dry. My head hurt. I felt sick to my stomach. But I somehow managed the one word I needed to.

  “Jason.”

  Chapter 31

  Becca

  At my word, everyone turned back to Keith. He still wasn’t saying anything, but he didn’t have to. The truth was in his eyes.

  The fear of being outed.

  The fear of being exiled.

  Judged.

  Labeled.

  Condemned

  He wouldn’t feel that from me. Chase either. And Kace wouldn’t judge someone else to save his own life.

  But not everyone was tolerant and accepting of the differences we all faced. So, I understood Keith's desire for privacy and peace.

  Unfortunately, I wasn’t going down with his ship. This was his lie, but I wasn’t going to be a part of it. Not where Chase was concerned. I didn’t care if everyone knew I was with Chase, but Chase needed to know I hadn’t been with Keith.

  “Jason?” Kace asked.

  “The other intern?” Chase confirmed.

  Keith di
dn’t deny or confirm. He just lowered his head even more.

  “Is that why he got fired?” Ethan asked.

  Of course, it was. Gary didn’t tell a soul why Jason was let go, but he wouldn’t. It’s not his place. Keeping that matter private was all that Gary cared about.

  But the pieces all fit.

  Now we just had to keep Fernandez from being a dick about it.

  “This was just, like, last week. Jason is long gone,” Fernandez tried to reason.

  Finally, by some grace and divine intervention, Keith spoke up. “He’s still in town. Still here.” He cleared his throat before continuing, “For me.” He shrugged and looked chagrinned. But he spoke, and that was all that mattered.

  I wanted to hug him. He looked like he could use a hug. But he just saluted everyone and walked backward, deciding he had heard enough and was no longer curious how this would play out.

  Lucky.

  I wanted to follow him. I no longer cared how this turned out either. But I was still frozen in place, standing by the door.

  I was physically ill at everything being laid out among these guys. Chase and I had a lot to talk about but now wasn’t the time. He needed to make things right with these guys—his team, his family.

  Yet, I didn’t move.

  It was like riding past an accident--you couldn’t help but look.

  You would think that would be enough, that everyone would stand down. But Fernandez was still there, and he was out for blood.

  “Whatever, I still think you and Keith have been going at it. I’ve been watching you; you’re definitely getting some.” Fernandez made a tsking noise and shook his head.

  I was tired of this. I was tired of hiding how I felt about Chase. I was tired of the idea that he and I being together was wrong.

  I mean, it was. But it wasn’t.

  I had already turned my job down. I had already decided to give in, so why wait any longer. My need to defend Chase and I was deeper than my need to save face.

  But I had been a liar. I hadn’t told him the truth any more than he had told me his. Sure, maybe we could talk these things out. Maybe we could survive.

  Maybe not.

  I just knew he couldn’t make a retirement decision right now, without it all being on the table. Unfortunately, we didn’t have that kind of time.