by Harlow James
“Thank you, and thanks for having us today. Do you need any help?”
We follow her into the house as Luke and Grayson make their way outside to the backyard. Grayson gravitates to the swing set instantly while Luke reminds him of what he can and cannot do with his cast now.
“I’m actually feeling pretty good today. I have another follow up appointment this week, but after that, I should be good as new.” She moves around the kitchen, gathering dishes from the cupboards as we prepare to have brunch. Luke’s mom, Catherine, suggested a champagne breakfast for today, knowing this day is always hard on Luke. Obviously, Luke’s sister Tenley lives in California, so she won’t be joining us. But she always tries to make the day easier on her son, even though this day is supposed to be about celebrating her. I guess that’s what Mother’s do, even on their ‘day off’—they still worry about their own children.
“I’m so glad to hear that. And thank you again for having us.” I set the album on the counter and bite my lip. “Do you think he’s going to be mad?”
She stares outside, watching Grayson play as Luke stands next to his father. “It’s hard to say, but I think this is important either way. I think having you around is making Grayson ask all sorts of questions and this will give Luke a visual way to explain that even though Hannah isn’t here physically, she still loves him very much.”
I can’t help the way my eyes tear up whenever Hannah gets brought up in conversation, because I can’t imagine what it feels like to grow up without your mom. My mother and I are very close, and I count on her so much in my life—her wisdom, her love, her ability to calm me down when I feel like I’m losing control.
And then there’s Luke’s side. His experience has me trying to comprehend what losing your spouse must feel like. Yet even so, to this day, I don’t know how Hannah died.
“I hope this isn’t overstepping, and I probably should have asked while we were putting this album together, but how exactly did she die?”
Catherine turns to me and her eyes fill with moisture. “Car accident,” she whispers and then turns away. “I had Grayson with me, thank God. She went out one night to go shopping. Luke was at work and she called and asked if I could take the baby so she could go to the grocery store alone and get a break. Luke had been on shift with the sheriff’s department for a few days straight and Grayson was colicky and wouldn’t stop crying, so of course I offered to take him. I remember what it was like those first few months with a new baby.”
“I can only imagine…”
“And then she was gone. It was foggy and she lost control on a turn and went headfirst into a tree. She died instantly.” Catherine holds back a sob as I feel myself do the same. My stomach plummets, my heart aches, and my tears build as I think about such a young and vibrant woman losing her life so soon, leaving behind a brand new baby and a man that obviously loved her very much.
I walk over and hug Catherine, the two of us providing each other comfort even though there’s nothing that can make the pain of losing someone go away. And then we straighten ourselves up, put smiles on our faces, and finish preparing the brunch so we can eat.
Pancakes, waffles, bacon, sausage, eggs, hash browns, and toppings of all kinds fill the table as Luke’s father fills champagne glasses with a mixture of bubbly and orange juice while we all sit down to eat. Once our stomachs are full and satisfied, Grayson jumps from the table and grabs the album we made, bringing it very carefully over to Luke.
“You’re not supposed to get me a present today, bud. It’s Mother’s Day, not Father’s Day.”
“I know, Daddy. But Rachel and I made this for you and for my mommy.” Luke’s eyes pop up to mine in question, obviously wondering what his son must be talking about.
“Just open it, Luke,” Catherine chimes in as we all wait on the edge of our seats for him to open the wrapping paper. Luke tears at the seams and then his eyes go wide as he takes in the photo album, which has a small picture of Luke, Hannah, and a newborn Grayson stationed on the cover.
I watch him swallow and then look at everyone but me. “What is this?”
“It’s a photo album, Daddy, of me and you and Mommy. Rachel helped me make it!” Grayson is ecstatic, even though the tension between the adults in the room is thick as fog.
“I can see that. Well, it’s beautiful, bud. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Daddy. Now you can tell me the story of you and Mommy.”
And in that instant, Luke’s eyes find mine and they’re laced with something I can’t quite decipher. Shock? Sadness? Resentment in the fact that I may have overstepped a boundary here by helping Grayson make this gift?
“I helped too, Luke. I think it’s important for Grayson to know about his mom,” Catherine adds as a wave of gratefulness washes over me that she’s not going to let all the blame fall on me. “He’s asking a lot of questions…”
“I’m so glad everyone thinks they know what’s best,” he says in an offended tone, moving to stand and setting the album on the table as he prepares to leave. “Thank you, buddy. You did a great job. Daddy just needs to go outside for a minute, okay?”
Grayson’s eyes are alive with concern, but he nods and accepts Luke’s words. “Okay, Daddy.”
Luke turns and heads for the door, grabbing his car keys but not bothering to say goodbye, swinging open the screen as it slams against the side of the house, a bold statement of how he feels.
And if his reaction is any indication and I’m not naïve to what just happened, I think I just overstepped a boundary.
Chapter 14
Luke
A gust of wind rustles the leaves of the trees as I walk through the cemetery, closing in on Hannah’s grave. I usually visit every year on Mother’s Day, but my original plan was to visit later after brunch. Well, thanks to the gift that left a pit in my stomach, I ended up here a tad earlier than planned.
The headstone comes into view, a stark reminder of the final resting place of my wife and the loss she left behind in my heart. When I arrive, I take a moment to read the words etched into the marble—her name, birth date and date of death, and the three words we chose to describe her—wife, mother, friend. The small picture of her that sits in the center showcases her beautiful smile and instantly brings me to my knees.
“Hannah,” I crumble, resting my head on the side of her stone when I situate myself to lean back against it. “This doesn’t seem to get any easier, babe. Every year I tell myself this should hurt less, but it doesn’t… especially as our son grows bigger every day and looks more and more like you.” I reach up to brush a tear away as I stare off into the distance, the rows of markers reminding me I’m not the only one to lose someone close.
“I’m sure you know about Rachel now, the woman who’s been taking care of Grayson and I’ve slowly been letting in. There’s something about her, Hannah. She instantly caught my attention that day at the college and how easily she interacted with our son. She has this energy about her that is so transparent in how much she enjoys life, yet she’s not afraid to admit when she has a bad day too. I feel comfortable with her, which is so freaking scary… because the last person I felt that way with was you.”
Taking in a deep breath, I let it out as I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of flowers nearby.
“I didn’t even bring you flowers. I was in such a rush to get out of there… I’m sorry.” Keeping my eyes shut tight, memories start to flood my mind. “That album, Hannah. I didn’t even look inside because I knew it would be just what Grayson needs. He’s been asking more and more about you every day, and I want him to know who you were and how we fell in love. I want him to know our story… but it’s hard. And I know that having Rachel around isn’t making things less complicated for him. I just want to do the right thing, even if it is painful for me. I know I shouldn’t have walked out… I just…”
Silence descends on my mind as I think back to the day Grayson was born, a sunny day in the beginning of June t
hat changed my entire life. We were so happy, the three of us as a family. I never imagined things would turn out the way they did.
“I never want to replace you, Hannah. I hope you know that. I could never replace you.” With those words, I fall apart, hanging my head between my knees and letting the tears fall, each drop leaving my body, taking the emotions of this day that are too strong to contain and the guilt that’s still there for how my feelings for Rachel are growing with it.
The past few weeks have been the brightest in my life in years, and I know it’s because of her. She’s been so patient and understanding. I feel like I don’t deserve her because of the love I still harbor for my wife. How I feel about Hannah is so strong, I just don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let Rachel in completely—and that is the most terrifying notion to me of all.
Once I relax and gather myself, I stand and kiss my fingers, then rest them on top of her headstone, preparing to leave.
“I love you, Hannah. Please tell me what to do. Show me something that will help me move on. I want to. I think Rachel could be someone I can see myself with… but I need to know that it’s okay. That you’re rooting me on from the other side of the stars.”
As I settle back in my car and drive to my parent’s house, I apprehend the need to talk to Rachel, explain my reaction, and just be honest with her. I can’t imagine what she must be thinking right now, knowing I ran out of the house the second I saw the gift she obviously invested time into making for me and my son.
“Daddy! You’re back! Are you okay?” Grayson runs up to me when I enter the house.
“Yeah, I’m okay, bud. Thanks for asking. I just needed some time to think.”
“You do that a lot, Daddy. You got a lot of stuff to think about?” Grayson’s inquisitive look instantly brings a smile to my face.
“Yeah. Lots of stuff. That’s what happens when you grow up.”
Shaking his head, he turns to Rachel, who just came around the corner from the kitchen. “Rachel, I don’t want to grow up. Daddy says you have to think a lot and I don’t want to. I just want to play.” And as if he just completed a metaphorical mic drop, he runs out the back door and climbs onto the swing set in a flash.
“Hey,” I manage to say, meeting her eyes.
“Luke, I’m sorry…”
“No, don’t apologize. We’ll talk later, okay?”
She nods, her face full of sadness and remorse. I take a few steps to her and reach for her chin, tilting it up until her eyes meet mine.
“I’m not mad at you, Rachel, okay? I just… I had a moment and needed to process it. Don’t worry.” Leaning down, I plant a chaste kiss on her lips and when our eyes pop back open, I see that hers have softened a bit.
“I understand.”
We make our way to the backyard, joining my parents and watching Grayson play for another hour before we return home. When bedtime approaches later that night, I grab the photo album before I enter Grayson’s room, anxious to open it but knowing that it’s the right thing to do. My son deserves to know about his mom, no matter how painful it is for me to talk about her. At least this way, we can talk about her together and I can be reminded of the amazing human being we created before she left this earth.
“Daddy. Are you gonna look at the pictures with me?” Grayson asks as I get comfortable in his bed with him, both of us resting our backs on the headboard as we sit up against it.
“Yeah, bud. I want to see what you made,” I say, choking back my tears already.
“I only made the front part. Rachel and Grandma did the inside.” My head turns to the door so fast, I get dizzy. Rachel and my mom took it upon themselves to make this and hadn’t even shown Grayson?
“Oh. Okay, well… let’s look at it together then, shall we?”
I inhale deeply and then flip open the first page, taken aback as I stare at one of the first pictures of Hannah and me taken just after we started dating. As I keep flipping, I can’t help the smile that accompanies my tears as I recall the memories of our relationship, describing the G-rated details to my son—how we met, the places we went together, the things we liked to do—and then the night I asked her to marry me.
“Did you give her a ring?” My son looks up at me with big eyes.
“Oh, yeah. A beautiful diamond that sparkled in the sun.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah, she loved that ring,” I recall, looking down at the picture from the night we laid in the hammock and she admitted her fear of losing me.
“She was so pretty, Daddy. But Rachel is pretty too.” My son’s words catch me off guard because the last person I thought he’d bring up right now is Rachel.
“Yes, Rachel is very pretty.”
“She’s really nice too. And fun.”
“I agree.”
Grayson takes it upon himself to turn to the next page where photos from our wedding are placed, the look of love in our eyes is undeniable.
“This was the day we got married.” I point to a picture of our first dance as husband and wife, our faces so joyous, our eyes cemented on each other and nothing else, the only part of the picture in focus was us.
He stays silent for a minute, his eyes bouncing all over the page. “Are you gonna marry Rachel, Daddy?”
His words make me stumble and my body shake from the thunder of my heart beating. “What? Uh, I don’t know, bud.” I give the most vague answer I can because the thought of getting married again makes my body want to break out in hives. I never imagined I would marry someone else. But the thought of Rachel wearing a white dress walking towards me isn’t a vision I hate.
“I’m tired, Daddy.” Grayson yawns, so naturally, I do the same.
“Okay, bud. We can look at this again another time.”
“Thank you for showing me my Mommy, Daddy.” He smiles up at me and instantly, the tightness in my chest subsides. That definitely wasn’t easy, but I know it was the right thing to do and the time was coming. And now, thanks to Rachel and my mom, I have any easy way to share more of Hannah with Grayson each time the conversation arises.
“You’re welcome, Grayson. Good night. I love you.” I grant him a kiss and then shut off the lights, closing the door behind me. When I walk back into the living room, I notice Rachel isn’t on the couch where she normally would wait for me. I told her we would talk, but since we arrived home, she’s been keeping her distance. Dinner was light on conversation, and she even avoided eye contact with me the rest of the time we were at my parents’ house.
“Rach?” I knock quietly on her bedroom door as I hear sniffles come from behind it. “Rachel…” The sight of her curled up on her bed makes my heart drop. “Sweetheart, why are you crying?”
She sits up and wipes her face, clearing fluids and making me feel so shitty for hurting her.
“Luke, I’m sorry. I just… I heard you two in there and I couldn’t help it. I’m so sorry that she’s not here…”
“Aw, Rach. It’s not your fault…”
“I know. And I didn’t mean to upset you earlier. It’s just… Grayson asks about her all the time and I never know what to say, mostly because I don’t want to say the wrong thing, but also because you never talk about her. I know nothing about Hannah either, so I thought the album would be a great way to explain things to Grayson and it helped me understand a bit more. But please, Luke… please know that I am not trying to replace her. I don’t want you, or Grayson, or anyone else to think that! That’s not my intention…”
I don’t wait for her to finish, I just run to her and push my mouth against hers, tasting her salty tears on her lips. I lose myself in her mouth, the feel of her body as I pull her to me and she encircles my neck with her hands. We kiss and touch and unite—because no matter what I want to think, there’s a connection here between Rachel and me that is way beyond physical. I feel like she’s meant to be in our lives right now, and that’s more comforting that I anticipated.
“I know that you’re not trying to replace
her, Rachel,” I whisper when we part, our foreheads still touching. “And again, I’m sorry for how I reacted earlier. It caught me off-guard and it made me face some issues I’ve been having regarding you.”
“Me?”
I nod, pulling back and brushing her hair from her face. “Yeah. You make me feel all sorts of things, Rach. Things I haven’t felt but for one other person. It scares me and I know you’ve been patient with me and I appreciate that more than you know. I’m just afraid I’m going to fuck this up. Say something or do something that’s going to make you leave.”
“You and Grayson mean so much to me, Luke. I’m the one that stands to be hurt here, I know that. But I also know that you’re worth it.” Her green eyes stare deep into mine, and in that moment I give myself permission to keep discovering what this is. I’ll never be able to know what Hannah feels about this. But I know what I feel—and that’s a need for Rachel in my arms, her lips on mine, and for us to keep moving forward, breaking through the obstacles ahead of us.
“You’re worth my struggles too, Rach. I can’t tell you when I’ll be ready to keep moving forward, but I’m getting there.”
“I’ll wait. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m so sorry again,” she says as I press my finger to her lips.
“Stop apologizing. What you did was selfless and incredible. Thank you.” I contemplate staying, holding her until we both fall asleep. But the risk of Grayson walking in on us is too great. So even though my desire for her is strong, I know it’s not the time to cross that line yet. And with each kiss and caress of our hands on each other, it’s making it more difficult to not erase that boundary.
We kiss once more before I leave her room and head to my own, my thoughts swirling around in my mind from everything I’ve felt today. It’s getting easier with each passing day, letting Rachel into my mind and heart. But something is still holding me back from progressing the physical part of our relationship, and as always, I’m hoping something will happen that will show me it’s okay to continue to move forward.