by Harlow James
Chapter 15
Rachel
“You okay?” Pfeiffer asks me as we cruise the aisles through Party City, looking for decorations for Grayson’s human-body-themed birthday party.
“What? Yeah, I’m fine.” The words leave my mouth, but honestly, I wouldn’t even believe them if I were someone else.
“No, you’re not. Talk to me.” Pfeiffer stands in front of me, holding my hand and pleading for me to spill. But as Luke and I discussed, I hadn’t even told my best friend about the two of us exploring our developing relationship.
It’s a Sunday and a little over a week until Grayson’s birthday, so Luke is home with Grayson, making up for lost time with him this week while I run some errands. He insisted I go shopping on my own to get me out of the house and grant me a break from my ‘job.’ But being Grayson’s caregiver has never felt like a job to me. It feels like exactly what I’m supposed to be doing with my life, and the handsome man that just so happens to be his dad with impeccable lips I get to kiss at the end of the day is the cherry on top.
“You have to promise not to say anything to Cash.”
“Well, he is my husband… but if that’s what you want, I promise.”
“Luke and I are kind of seeing each other,” I whisper as Pfeiffer’s eyes widen and her smile stretches across her face.
“What? Really?”
I can feel my cheeks flush as I grin. “Yeah. But it hasn’t been easy,” I divulge, thinking back to how the past few weeks have been. It’s been a little over a month since Cash and Pfeiffer’s wedding, and about four weeks since Luke kissed me for the first time in the hospital. Things were going great, and then Mother’s Day happened. And although Luke swears he was okay with it, his behavior towards me lately is indicating otherwise.
We haven’t made out on the couch every night like we did before that day, watching re-runs of Friends and eating popcorn together. We don’t speak as much as before because he’s been working later than usual or I have a shift at Tony’s so we barely cross paths some nights. And even though I’m trying not to read too much into it, I feel like he’s avoiding being physical with me. He used to touch me here and there secretively, especially if Grayson was in the room. A little caress here, a little nudge there. But lately, nothing. And like a true woman, I’m over-analyzing everything.
“Isn’t this what you wanted though? I mean, I get that there’s going to be obstacles, given your situation… but I just figured you’d be more ecstatic than you seem.”
I push the cart further down the aisle, grabbing plates, napkins, and silverware that will complement the theme. “Yeah. But there’s baggage, Pfeiffer. Lots of baggage that comes with that man and it’s draining me. I’m so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing with him, like I did on Mother’s Day.” I spend the next few minutes filling her in on how things progressed with Luke and me, and then the fiasco that transpired that morning after breakfast at his parents’ house. We stroll through the entire store two times before I finish. Glancing down in the cart, I realized I may have gone a little overboard, but Luke said there was no expense to be spared. His son will only turn five once.
Pfeiffer lets out a long breath and then stops me in my movement, turning me to face her. “Luke has been through a lot, Rach. But if there is anyone I think he should be with, it’s you. And even if you don’t believe it, I think he knows it to. The best piece of advice I could give you is to talk to him about it. Be open. Communicate. He hasn’t had to do that in a very long time. And as much as we want to think that men can remember what it’s like to be in a relationship, they don’t. Hell, my husband never even had one before me and my last relationship wasn’t exactly the model of healthy. We’ve had to learn how to talk and express ourselves in a way that is conducive to us, and Luke and you need to do that too. It might suck, but you need to sit down and tell him what you’re feeling. And who knows? You could be making a big deal out of nothing,” she offers and then shrugs.
“You’re right,” I relent. “I need to talk to him. I guess I’m just scared for what he’s going to say.”
“That’s normal, but you’ll never know if you don’t initiate it. Now, what does that adorable boy want for his birthday?” We move towards the checkout, pay for the supplies, and then decide to have lunch, where we catch up on Pfeiffer’s honeymoon and newlywed life and analyze the situation with Luke some more.
After lunch and a pedicure, Pfeiffer and I decide to visit Clara and her daughter that just arrived last week.
“Oh, she’s so gorgeous, Clara,” Pfeiffer coos as she holds Kadence in her arms, settling into the rocking chair in the living room.
“Thank you. She’s not so cute when she’s screaming at two in the morning or shits on your hand. But right now, she’s fucking adorable.” Clara’s grin clearly indicates she’s being sarcastic, and I can’t help but laugh.
“Yeah, but then they turn into little kids like Grayson and they talk and say all kinds of random things that make you laugh uncontrollably. Just wait.”
Clara ‘new mom’ glow radiates from her face before she leans down and kisses her daughter’s forehead. “I never really saw myself being a mom. But now that she’s here, I wonder how I ever lived without her.”
“I want babies so badly. Cash and I have already started trying, since it’s gonna take us a while, you know.” Pfeiffer shrugs after she speaks, but I know my best friend has a long road ahead of her to conceive a child and the thought haunts her most days. When she was shot last year, she lost an ovary and fallopian tube. Tack on the fact that she already had irregular periods, and let’s just say she faces many obstacles that make having a baby a challenge. Not impossible, just a challenge.
“It will happen when it’s meant to. Hell, Cooper and I didn’t plan this, but I couldn’t imagine life any other way right now.”
I walk into the kitchen where I retrieve three bottles of water and then make my way back into the living room. “I never saw myself being a nanny either, yet here I am! And now I’ve fallen in love with a kid that isn’t mine.” I shake my head in disbelief, still baffled at how drastically my life changed when I moved out here.
“Are you falling for his father too?” Clara prods as my eyes widen.
“Uh, no. Why would you think that?” I look over at Pfeiffer, silently asking her if she said anything to Clara.
“I didn’t say anything,” Pfeiffer declares.
“She didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face when you talk about Grayson and Luke,” Clara adds.
Sighing, I crack open the water bottle and take a swig, replacing the cap and then admitting defeat. “Luke and I are kind of seeing each other right now.”
“No shit! Good for you guys! I like you for him.”
“Thanks. It’s just complicated and fragile, and the further we get into this thing, the more I question what will happen. I don’t want to get my hopes up because I feel like I’m going to get hurt. But I also know that I can’t help the way I feel about him. He’s such a great guy.”
Pfeiffer and Clara both smirk as I roll my eyes.
“It’s been a while since his wife died though, right?”
“Yeah, almost five years. But you can’t really put a timeline on how long it takes to mourn someone, especially since she died so suddenly and Grayson was so little when it happened.”
“Well, all I know is that Luke seems happier since you came around, at least that’s what Cooper has said. So trust in what you feel and own it. I wish I had the common sense to do that when Cooper and I were sneaking around… would have saved me a lot of trouble,” she chuckles as Kadence starts to fuss.
“You and Cooper snuck around?” I’m dumbfounded right now, oblivious to the whole story I feel like I’m missing.
“Oh yeah. Let me feed her and I’ll tell you all about how stupid I was and almost let the best man ever slip away from me.” She trades places with Pfeiffer in the rocking chair, latches the baby to her breast, and th
en dives into her love story with Cooper, providing us many laughs and cringeworthy moments for the rest of our visit.
Fresh off a reminder that love can conquer all, I arrive home around dinnertime, where I’m granted with Luke and Grayson in the kitchen with aprons on and giant smiles.
“What’s all this?” I ask, dropping bags by the door and walking towards the kitchen cautiously. On the table to the left of the kitchen are electric tea-light candles and a dozen orange and pink roses in a vase. The table is set with glass plates and cloth napkins, the lights in the house have been dimmed slightly, and the smell coming from the kitchen makes my mouth water. I ate a light lunch, so I’m near starving now.
“Rachel! We made you dinner!” Grayson shouts, running for me and clenching his arms around my legs in a tight squeeze.
“Really? Well, thank you! This sure is a surprise.” After hugging Grayson back, I look up and see Luke walking towards me with a glass of wine in his hand.
“For you. Come sit, let us get everything, and then after dinner,” he leans into me, his breath brushing against my ear, “we can spend some time together and talk.” My body instantly heats, my pulse ignites, and images of Luke and I not talking are flashing through my mind.
“Sounds good,” I grit out, clearing my throat before taking a sip of my wine and sitting in my usual seat.
Luke brings a casserole dish to the table, filled with noodles and bubbling cheese.
“What did you make, Grayson?” I ask as he bounces with excitement in his chair.
“Grandma’s mac and cheese. It’s my favorite!”
Luke chuckles beside me, spooning a mountain onto my plate.
“Thank you. This was unexpected.”
“We just wanted to do something nice for you. Plus, I haven’t really been home lately, so I wanted us to have dinner together.” My anxiety from earlier melts away with his words, knowing he’s aware of the disconnection between us—that it wasn’t just me who felt it. “I also added chicken and broccoli, so all the food groups were represented,” he boasts as Grayson chimes in.
“I don’t like chicken.”
“I know. Unless it’s in the shape of a dinosaur, right?”
He nods. “Yup.” Digging his fork into his pile, he blows on it in a less than sophisticated way and shovels the bite into his mouth.
“This is delicious,” I say after taking a bite of my own.
“Thanks. Now dig in so we can have dessert next.” He winks at me across the table and the thought of dessert other than food enters my thoughts once more.
After dinner, Grayson rushes to get ready for his bath, but then exclaims he has to go to the bathroom first. He’s potty trained completely, but still has some trouble with wiping, like most kids do.
“Rachel!” He shouts as I help clear the plates from the table.
“Yeah?”
“Can you come check me please?” I chuckle as I hand Luke the dishes and make my way down the hall, shocked by the vision in front of me as I turn the corner into the doorway of the bathroom.
“Oh, my God! Grayson!”
The sight of an upside boy with his butt cheeks spread makes my eyes almost pop out of my head. Grayson is bent in half, his head visible from between his legs as his ass is the first thing I see, his hands holding open his crack so I get a clear assessment of whether he’s accurately wiped or not.
“Did I get it all?” He grunts, still upside down and watching me.
I can’t stop laughing as I move further into the bathroom and inspect him, pleased with how well he did on his own. “You did good, bud. Now stand up before all the blood rushes to your head.”
His blonde hair sways as he stands and the redness of his cheeks (face, not butt) starts to subside. “Yes!” He shouts in celebration and then reaches into the tub and climbs inside.
Once I get the tub filled and Grayson occupied, I walk back into the kitchen where Luke is finishing the dishes. “You will not believe what your son just did.”
“I heard you laughing and handling it, so I didn’t feel the need to intrude. But I can only imagine. What’d he do?”
I recount the story and Luke holds his stomach through his laughter. “Oh, God. That kid! I swear, he is the best thing to ever happen to me.” He shakes his head as his lips tip up.
“Me too.”
Luke makes his way around the island and stops right in front of me, holding my face as he dips down and kisses me. “I’ve missed you this past week.”
“Yeah? I was kind of afraid you were avoiding me…” I admit, glancing up at him.
“What? No. Things have just been crazy. When Grayson goes down, I’ll explain.”
“Okay.” Accepting that the conversation Pfeiffer suggested we needed to have will commence after Grayson’s asleep, I move back to the bathroom and finish bath time before Luke puts Grayson to bed.
“He loves that album,” he says when he walks back into the living room. It seems Grayson’s favorite book these days is the one with pictures of his mom in it.
“I’m glad.”
“I do too.”
“I was worried that you being distant this week was still because of that night…”
Luke scoots closer to me on the couch and then reaches for my cheek, stroking my skin with his thumb. “I need to explain something to you, okay? And you need to let me finish before you say anything.”
“Okay…” I agree, gulping down my nerves while I wait for him to continue.
“That night was hard for me. Not only because of everything that day dredges up, but because it made me realize just how strong my feelings for you are getting. I haven’t been avoiding you since then, Rachel, I swear. It’s nearing the end of the semester, so I’ve had to extend my office hours a bit and had to fill in at the writing center a few days for another professor. See, you would have known all of this if I had told you, but you have to understand… it’s been years since I’ve had to tell anyone where I am and what I’m doing. I’m fine about communicating things to you when it concerns Grayson. That I’ve gotten used to. But when it comes to you and me, whatever this is that’s building between us, well… it’s still unfamiliar and is going to take some time for me to get used to. I realized Friday when I got home and you had to rush out to work your shift at Tony’s that I’ve barely seen you this week, and the week before we were still feeling things out after Mother’s Day.”
He takes a deep breath and then pushes his hand through his hair before he speaks again. “Here’s the other thing I’ve realized, especially since that night. I like you. I am so attracted to you, but I’m fighting the urge to move forward in our physical relationship. I could kiss you all night, but you’ve probably noticed it only lasts so long before I have to go to my room.” I chuckle and nod. “I want to do things with you, to you… but my fear is that I’ll try to and then I’ll freak out and leave you disappointed.”
“Luke…” I start, but he throws his hand up.
“I asked you to let me finish, remember?”
“Okay,” I say, sitting back into the cushion and folding my hands in my lap.
“I don’t want you to be disappointed, frustrated, and angry with me if I freeze or get too… excited,” he grins and I can’t help but do the same. “So until I feel like I can give you what you deserve, I have to wait. It’s incredibly difficult touching you and not giving in, which is kind of the reason I’ve been pulling away a bit.” And now it makes a little more sense, although this was the last reason I was expecting. “So just know, I’m not mad. I still want you. Badly. I just don’t want to rush into anything because you make it really hard for me not to,” he growls, reaching for my hand and placing it on his thigh. As I glance down, I see the thick outline of his erection in his pants and instantly feel hot.
Knowing he’s turned on just sitting next to me makes an inferno ignite in between my legs. So brazenly and before I can change my mind, I climb on top of him, straddling his hips and pressing myself down so
I can feel him hard underneath me.
“Can I talk now?” I stare down at him, memorizing the lust on his face and the tick in his jaw that tells me he’s having trouble controlling himself in this new position.
“Sure,” he gulps as I start to rock myself back and forth over him slowly. Between the soft fabric of my leggings and the rough denim of his jeans, the friction on my clit is unworldly and builds an orgasm with just a few strokes.
“Thank you for telling me, for assuring me that I wasn’t going crazy. Because that’s how it felt not seeing you, talking to you, touching you,” I whisper and then place a soft kiss on his lips before pulling away and increasing my pace. “But know this, Luke… there is nothing you could do to me, with me, that would make me disappointed. I just want you. And there are plenty of things we can do that aren’t full-fledged sex.” A small moan escapes my lips as I close my eyes and continue to move. Luke’s hands find my hips, rocking me back and forth over his cock, the pressure building fast and furiously as my sounds clearly indicate.
“God, Rachel. I can’t look away from you right now. Are you gonna come?” He rasps as I pop my eyes open and lock them on his.
“Yes, Luke. Make me come,” I mewl, rubbing hard and fast, feeling the release there on the edge, waiting to fall over.
“Come for me, Rachel. Let me see you…” His command does me in, and with a few more strokes I feel the pressure explode and the waves radiate from my pussy out to every limb of my body. I cry out as quietly as I can manage as I continue to rock, using the friction to extend the life of my orgasm and extract every last tremor while keeping my eyes trained on his, building an intimacy between us that is unparalleled. When the explosion subsides, I fall forward onto Luke’s chest, breathing sporadically and then slowly realizing what I just did.
“Hey,” Luke says, pulling me from my resting spot on his shoulder as I turn to face him.