A Zombie Ate My Homework

by Tommy Greenwald

  That was the end of me raising my hand.

  “Hey, Ghostie,” Evan whispered. “How did you get to be such a genius?”

  I couldn’t tell him the answer—because I didn’t know the answer—so instead I just said, “I read a lot.”

  “That’s gross,” Evan said, and it took me a minute to realize he was talking about reading.

  I decided to change the subject. “Why do you all call me Ghostie?”

  Evan snorted. “Are you serious?”

  “Yes, I am.”

  “I mean, look at you. You’re so pale you’re practically invisible. You look like you could walk through walls. Not to mention you’re a pretty scary-looking dude.”

  I looked down at myself. He wasn’t wrong.

  The next thing I knew, there was a sudden commotion on the other side of the classroom. A small girl wearing a shirt with a horse on it and pink ribbons in her hair suddenly let out a scream and threw a book on the ground. A tall adult woman who wore thick red glasses was sitting next to the girl, and she quickly bent over and picked up the book. When the girl cried out again, the adult woman took her out of the room.

  “Who’s that?” I asked Evan.

  “That’s Sarah Anne,” he said. “She used to be in Special Ed. She never talks, either because she can’t or she doesn’t want to, I’m not really sure. But I heard she’s really smart.”

  “Wow, that must be hard.”

  “Yeah. And sometimes Sarah Anne gets really upset for no reason, or no reason anyone can figure out, anyways. Which is why Ms. Frawley is always with her.”

  A boy, who wore his hat backward for some reason, suddenly leaned over. “Yo, Crutch, you finally found a friend? Keep it down, I’m trying to learn stuff.”

  People snickered, and Evan sunk down in his seat.

  “Why did that kid call you Crutch?”

  Evan glared at me. “The same reason I call you Ghostie, dummy.” He pointed underneath his desk. He was wearing shorts, and I noticed his right leg was a slightly darker color than his left leg. Then I realized why. Evan had an artificial leg.

  “Because we’re different from everyone else,” Evan said.

  On my way to lunch, two boys cornered me in the hallway near the gym. One boy was the backward hat kid who had called Evan “Crutch.” The other boy was really tall and had long hair and freckles.

  “Hey, Arnold,” said the backward hat one. “Is your middle initial really Z and your last name really Ombee? Like, zombie?”

  I hesitated. I know humans are good at lying, but zombies are not. We’re extremely honest.

  It’s an underappreciated trait.

  “What kind of a question is that?” I asked the kid with the backward hat. He looked confused by my answer—which was the opposite of an answer, actually—and I don’t blame him.

  He poked me in the chest. “Whaddya mean, what kind of question is that? It’s the kind that wants an answer!” The two boys leaned forward, and I found myself backed up against a metal locker.

  “Yes, I’m an Ombee!” I blurted out. “I don’t care if you make fun of my name because of what it sounds like! I’m proud to be an Ombee, and I don’t care who knows it!”

  They stared at me in shock.

  “Now please let me through. Kiki is waiting for me at lunch.”

  “Ha!” said Backward Hat. “No one is waiting for you!” But they slowly backed up. As I started walking away, Backward Hat reached out and grabbed my arm. I could feel the heat of his hand through my shirt. I wondered if he could feel the chill of my skin.

  “I’m proud to be a Klepsaw,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. “And don’t you ever forget it.”

  “Ghostie! Come sit with us!”

  I was on one side of the cafeteria, standing with a tray full of food I wasn’t going to eat, and not sure where to sit. Kiki was sitting at a table right in the middle, with a bunch of other girls and boys.

  “Ghostie! What are you, a statue?”

  “There’s no room,” I told her.

  Kiki smacked the shoulder of the boy sitting next to her. “Simon, slide over! Arnold needs a place to sit!”

  The boy named Simon didn’t say anything, he just moved down. Kiki smiled brightly at me and patted the seat. “All yours!”

  It occurred to me right then and there that Kiki was a good person to be friends with.

  “Thanks for letting me sit here,” I said to Kiki.

  “Do you hate it when I call you Ghostie?” she asked. “I won’t do it anymore if you don’t want me to.”

  “I don’t mind,” I said. Ghostie was no different from Arnold, really. Neither one was my name.

  “So what’s your story, Arnold Z. Ombee?” Kiki asked. “What does the Z stand for? Where did you move from? Do you like music? Do you play sports? Do you have any brothers and sisters? What’s your favorite color? Why are you so skinny? What’s the deal with your last name?”

  All the other kids at the table had stopped talking. In fact, I think all the other kids in the whole cafeteria had stopped talking. They were waiting for my answers.

  “I … uh … my parents had to go away for a while because of their jobs, so I moved in with my aunt and uncle. I don’t know where the name comes from.”

  The backward hat kid, who was sitting at the end of the table, leaned in. “Are they spies?” he asked. “You’re probably going to tell us that they’re, like, secret agents or something.”

  “Who?”

  “Your parents.”

  Uh-oh. I hadn’t rehearsed that question with Bill and Jenny. I froze.

  “Yeah, are they?” asked a girl who had painted her fingernails blue for some reason. “Are they, like, on some special assignment that no one can know about?”

  Remember I said that thing about how honest zombies are?

  Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t be a little misleading when necessary.

  “I can’t talk about my family,” I explained to everyone at the table. “It’s too risky.”

  “Wait a sec, they’re really spies?” Kiki exclaimed. “That is so cool! So, is, like, Ombee a fake name, to throw people off?”

  “Something like that,” I said.

  “Holy smokes,” said the kid with the backward hat. “Tell us everything.”

  I smiled but shook my head. “I really can’t talk about it.”

  Which, of course, made all the kids desperate to talk about it.

  They started asking me all sorts of questions, and even though I only responded with grunts and half-answers, all of a sudden I was Arnold Z. Ombee, the mysterious new kid, son of the shadowy Ombee spy family.

  It was pretty awesome there for a second.

  And then it wasn’t.

  “I don’t believe you,” said a voice sitting two tables away.

  Everyone stopped chattering and looked over. Evan Brantley was eating lunch by himself.

  “Evan!” Kiki exclaimed. “How many times do I have to tell you to stop sitting over there! Come over here with us!”

  “I’d rather not,” Evan said.

  “Please?” begged Kiki.

  “He said he didn’t want to,” said Backward Hat.

  Kiki gave the kid a dirty look. “Stop being a jerk.”

  Backward Hat looked wounded and decided to take it out on Evan. “Go back to eating your grody lunch,” he sneered.

  I noticed that Evan was eating something green and gloopy. It did look pretty disgusting, I had to admit.

  “It just so happens I have a lot of allergies,” Evan said. “And I have a sensitive stomach.”

  He sounds like me, I thought to myself, except for real.

  “At least you HAVE a stomach, Crutch,” said the tall, long-haired boy. “More than I can say for some of your other body parts.”

  “That’s not funny!” barked Kiki, but everyone laughed. Evan stared down at his gloopy green food. Then he looked back up, but instead of glaring at the kid with the long hair, he glared at me.
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br />   “I don’t believe your story, Ghostie,” Evan said. “Or Arnold, or whatever your actual name is.”

  I looked at Evan, sitting alone, and suddenly realized why he kept flicking me on the back of the neck during the bus ride to school. He was looking for attention. He was looking for a friend.

  Because except for Kiki, he didn’t have any.

  As for me, I was surrounded by kids who wanted to know more about me, and it seemed like I could have a bunch of new friends right then and there, if I wanted to. On the very first day of school! It would have been such a relief. And the Kinders would have been so happy for me.

  But for some reason, none of that mattered.

  I got up and walked over to Evan’s table. “Do you mind if I sit here? Then you can ask me more questions I’m not allowed to answer.”

  Evan blinked up at me. “Really? Uh … sure.”

  Backward Hat snorted. “You know what? He’s probably not a spy at all. He’s just a pasty little know-it-all with a stupid name!”

  Other kids started jabbering in agreement, and it seemed like I might have to defend myself all over again, until Kiki stood up, and everyone got silent in about two seconds.

  “You guys are so annoying,” Kiki said, to her tablemates. “Leave Arnold alone. I’m going to sit over here with them.” And she picked up her tray, walked over to my new table, and sat right between Evan and me.

  “So, Arnold-slash-Ghostie, man of mystery,” Kiki said, “is it too dangerous to be friends with you?”

  I was relieved to finally be able to give someone a totally honest answer.

  “I sure hope not,” I said.

  The rest of the school day, I tried to mind my own business, and I thought I did a pretty good job. At the final bell, Evan and Kiki were waiting for me in the hall.

  “I really don’t want to answer any more questions about my parents,” I told them.

  Kiki laughed. “You’re full of secrets, aren’t you?”

  Which was another question I didn’t want to answer.

  “Do you want to walk home with us?” Evan asked. “We both live pretty near the Kinders.”

  I looked up and down the hall.

  “Are you looking for Ross and Brett?” Kiki asked, reading my mind.

  “The kid with the backward hat and the kid with long hair and freckles?”

  “Yeah, that’s them.” Kiki giggled. “They left already. I think they got a little spooked by your spy story.”

  “And that’s exactly what it was, a story,” Evan added. “A made-up story.”

  “I’m supposed to take the bus,” I told them. “My cousin Lester is waiting for me.”

  Kiki rolled her eyes. “Lester who, Kinder? He’s your cousin? He’s in my brother’s grade. No offense or anything, but he’s kind of obnoxious.”

  “Lester wasn’t happy when my aunt and uncle agreed to look after me,” I told them. “But he’s okay, I guess.” My feelings about Lester were complicated. On the one hand, Kiki was right—he was pretty annoying. But on the other hand, my secret was in his hands. “Anyway, he should be here any second.”

  “I’ve never met him,” Evan said.

  Kiki giggled again—it turned out she was a giggler. “Lucky you.”

  Right on cue, Lester came around the corner, yakking loudly with two of his friends.

  “ARNOLD!” he hollered. “If it isn’t Arnold Z. Ombee, as I live and breathe!” He winked at me, I think because of the “breathe” reference. I pretended not to notice.

  “What does the Z stand for, anyway?” asked Evan.

  “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah!” Lester yelped, which seemed like as good an answer as any.

  “Hey, Lester, you don’t have to say my whole name, just Arnold is fine,” I said.

  “This is my cousin, Arnold Z. Ombee,” Lester announced to his friends. “No cracks about his looks, he’s got a lot of health issues. And besides, Darlene thinks he’s super cute.”

  Lester’s friends nodded at me like they couldn’t care less. Lester smacked my backpack. “Everything go okay today?”

  “Pretty good, I guess,” I told him. “These are my classmates, Kiki and Evan.”

  “Oh yeah, I know Kiki—what’s up?” Lester said. “What are you doing with Arnold?”

  “Just hanging out,” she said. “We’re friends.”

  Lester looked confused. “Seriously? Why?”

  Kiki shrugged. “Because interesting people interest me, I guess.”

  “Well, Arnold’s interesting, that’s for sure!” Lester turned his attention to Evan. “Yo, dude, what happened to your leg?”

  Evan shifted uncomfortably. “I had cancer.”

  “Whoa, sorry to hear it, buddy,” Lester said. He turned to Kiki. “You guys taking care of Arnold here? It’s never easy, being the new kid.”

  “He’s doing great,” Kiki said. “We’ve got everything under control.”

  “Kind of,” I added. “Some kids are nicer than others.”

  Lester’s eyes flashed. “Well, you show me the kids who aren’t nice, and I’ll show you kids with two black eyes.”

  That surprised me. Lester gave me such a hard time at the Kinders’ house, but I guess he decided maybe he’d look out for me at school. “You don’t have to do that,” I said, “but thanks.”

  “Listen, just because I think you’re a little weirdo, doesn’t mean other people are allowed to think so, too.” Lester picked up his backpack. “You ready to grab the bus?”

  “Actually, I’m going to walk home with these guys, if that’s okay.”

  He frowned. “I don’t know. Mom and Dad made me promise to get you home safe.”

  “I’ll be fine, I swear.”

  “All right,” Lester said. “Just don’t die on me.” Then he winked and cracked up.

  “Ha-ha,” I said. “You’re hilarious.”

  We headed outside, where kids were piling on the buses. There was no sign of Ross or Brett, so I guess Kiki was right—they’d already moved on. But there was some kind of commotion going on, and I wasn’t sure what it was until Kiki said, “Why is Sarah Anne sitting in the middle of the road?” I looked over and there she was, sitting by herself right in front of a school bus, clutching some sort of board in her hands. A bunch of adults were gathered around, trying to figure out what to do.

  We walked over to where Mrs. Huggle was standing. “What’s going on?” Kiki asked.

  “Sarah Anne is having a bit of a tough time right now,” Mrs. Huggle said. “Her mom’s running a little late, and she left Henry inside.”

  “Henry?” I asked.

  A few seconds later Ms. Frawley, the woman who was always with Sarah Anne, came out of the school carrying a small stuffed animal horse, who must have been Henry. Sarah Anne immediately got up, grabbed Henry, and hugged it tightly. Then she ran into Ms. Frawley’s arms, burying her head in the woman’s shoulder. Just like that, the crisis was over.

  Kiki shook her head. “It must be hard to be so different from everyone else,” she said.

  I knew the feeling.

  Walking home with Evan and Kiki, the world seemed to slow down and take a deep breath. I could relax with them. We didn’t even have to talk. It wasn’t weird, it wasn’t stressful, and it wasn’t scary.

  It just was.

  “Where do you guys live?” I asked, after we’d been walking for a few minutes.

  Kiki pointed. “My house is up this road,” she said. “Well, my mom and me. My dad lives a couple of towns over.”

  “Oh.” I didn’t know what that meant. I had figured all moms and dads lived together like Jenny and Bill.

  “I live across the bridge from Clarendon Hill,” Evan said.

  A chill went up my already cold spine. That was where the Kinders had found me.

  “I didn’t realize humans lived there,” I said, before realizing it.

  “ ‘Humans?’ ” Kiki said. “Yup, actual humans live there.”

  “It’s a really nice neighborhood,�
� added Evan, giggling. “For humans, and dogs and cats, too.”

  I decided I needed to change the subject quickly. “When did you have cancer?” I asked, instead of what I really wanted to know, which was What exactly is cancer?

  “Whoa,” Evan said, “where did that come from?”

  “I don’t know. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

  Kiki kicked a rock.

  “I got a really rare form of bone cancer when I was a baby,” Evan said. “The doctors operated once, but when the cancer came back, they decided they had to amputate.”

  “I see,” I said. “It seems very unusual to have only one leg, is that correct?”

  Evan and Kiki looked at each other.

  “What, are you from Mars?” Kiki said. “Yeah, that’s correct.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m from a very small town, I haven’t met that many people.”

  Evan shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m used to it. Anyway, I can’t even remember what it was like to have two legs, so it’s like normal for me.”

  “What’s normal, anyway?” Kiki asked. “Is anyone really normal?” She twirled around five times really fast, like a spinning top. “I hope I’m never normal. Normal is overrated!”

  I thought about that for a second. I wished I could tell them who I really was, so they’d know how normal they really were. But I couldn’t.

  “Normal is overrated,” I repeated. “Got it.”

  We heard a loud honk! and turned around to see a big car pulling up alongside.

  “Evan!” said a voice from inside the car. “Is that you?”

  “Mom?” Evan said.

  The car door opened and a woman with white-yellow hair on her head and a very upset look on her face got out. “Evan! Why are you walking home? Why didn’t you take the bus? You know you shouldn’t be walking all this way!”

  Evan looked embarrassed. “I wanted to walk with these guys,” he mumbled.

  Evan’s mom looked over at me and Kiki. “Hi, Kiki,” she said. “You know this isn’t good for Evan. That’s what the bus is for. I’m surprised at you. You’re usually so responsible.”