Puzzle Me This

by Eli Easton

  He squatted down by Alex’s chair. “Hey. I don’t want to fight with you,” Luke said gently. “Look, we’re both just stressed because I’m leaving. I’ll make it up to you when I get back. Okay?”

  Alex nodded. “Sure.” But he didn’t look up.

  This was so difficult. Luke felt like he was drowning. He wanted to hold Alex, to make love to him before leaving. But the fight had left a sour hole in Luke’s chest, and Alex looked in no mood for wine and roses either. There was no real fix except to just get through this month.

  “Well, I guess I’ll go. I have to get up at fuck-me-o’clock for my flight, and I haven’t even packed.”

  Alex finally looked up and gave Luke a weak smile. “Have a safe trip.”

  “I’ll miss you,” Luke said, kissing Alex’s forehead. Then he left.

  It wasn’t until Luke was about to board the plane in the morning that he saw the text message he’d received the night before. It was from Marco.

  Dude! Stoked ur coming in from the barren wilds of gaydom. We’ll hit every club in the Castro. Me so horny.

  Luke shut his eyes and groaned. Great. Thanks, Marco.

  Chapter 17

  Childhood Fears

  Luke watched Marco and Denny dancing under the colored strobes at the Mix. It was a packed Saturday night, the first night in a week he and Marco had a few hours off. He’d looked forward to going out. He used to love this place and expected it to feel nostalgic and exciting. It didn’t, though. The bloom was off the rose somehow, and tonight it felt crowded and shallow and wrong. All wrong.

  A dark-haired guy was giving Luke the eye from the bar. He was good-looking, a bit on the dangerous side. In the old days, he would have been just Luke’s type. But Luke knew how it would go—mutual blowjobs in the bathroom or, if it was high romance, a fuck at the guy’s apartment nearby. There’d be a wink and a clear invitation to leave when it was done.

  Instead of feeling a rush of anticipation at the idea, or even horniness, Luke felt disquieted. Honestly, he had no interest in that, not when he was feeling so homesick. Homesick, not for State College, but for Alex. Alex, whose sweet body fit perfectly against his; Alex with the unbelievable mouth; Alex who made him laugh, who loved him; Alex who’d said having Luke make love to him had been the best thing that ever happened in his life.

  Standing here, remembering a string of one-night stands, Luke knew it had been the best thing that had ever happened in his life too.

  At that moment, Luke had another minor epiphany. He didn’t want to be there. He would rather be sitting on a couch with Alex watching a movie than in the hottest gay club in San Francisco.

  Luke checked his phone. He’d texted Alex when he’d arrived at the airport eight days ago, just to say he made it okay. But Alex hadn’t texted back—then or since. Luke had been swamped since he’d stepped into the office, so he hadn’t had much time to worry about it. But now a bad feeling grew in the pit of his stomach.

  He started to type in a new message but hesitated.

  He missed Alex. He really did. But. He shouldn’t play hot and cold with the guy. What did he really want? He recalled that anxious feeling he’d had after Halloween and the way things had been weird at Thanksgiving.

  What the fuck was wrong with him? He had to get his head on straight. Otherwise, it wasn’t fair to either of them.

  * * *

  “Thanks for fitting me in on such short notice.”

  “It’s no problem. It’s good to see you again.”

  Luke’s therapist, Gordon, welcomed him into his office. A few years ago, Luke had seen Gordon for about six months. An older gay man with a soft voice, soft hands, and endless wisdom, Gordon had helped Luke work through some of his anger and resentment about his parents’ passive-aggressive attitude toward his homosexuality. And, ultimately, through his own mixed feelings about being gay. Gordon had been a big help, and he was someone Luke considered a friend—a friend who made $200 an hour, granted, but still a friend.

  “So what’s going on?” Gordon asked, as they settled into facing high-backed chairs. “Are you back in town for good?”

  “No, just visiting City Shark for a few weeks.”

  “I see. So how can I help?”

  “I met someone.” Luke felt that stupid smile take over his lips again.

  “Yeah?” Gordon looked delighted. “I can’t wait to hear about it.”

  Luke told him about Alex—about how cute he was and the crazy romantic way they’d met. He talked about how Alex was smart and funny, and all the things they had in common, about Alex’s spina bifida, and his accessible apartment. And might have mentioned they had amazing sex.

  “Sounds perfect,” Gordon said when Luke had run out of superlatives. “But you’re here. I’m guessing it’s got something to do with Alex?”

  Luke swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. Crazy how his emotions could go from enthusiastic to anxious in the space of a heartbeat. “I don’t know. It got so serious so fast. And… I kinda freaked out. I think… well, I had to come here for a few weeks for work, and we weren’t in a great place when I left. So I guess we’re sort of taking a break?” He blew out a harsh breath. “Maybe I’ve blown it. Fuck, Gordon.”

  Gordon pursed his lips and gave Luke a thoughtful expression. “When you say you ‘freaked out’, what do you mean?”

  Luke described how he’d let work consume him, had avoided Alex, and then that horrible Thanksgiving. By the time he was done explaining it, he felt worse than ever.

  The fault was his. Definitely all his.

  “So you backed off. Earlier you said it got too serious too fast. Can you describe your feelings about that?”

  Luke took a deep breath. There was no point equivocating with Gordon. “I guess I’m afraid of hurting him. I mean, things are great now, but what about five years from now? Ten? What if I’m miserable then? And I couldn’t leave because I would never want to cause him pain. Like his sister Amy said, he’s been through so much. I’d never be able to hurt him. So then I’d be stuck. And, God, just the idea freaks me out.”

  Gordon tapped his pen on his knee. “I see. Do you think that fear of being stuck relates to your parents’ relationship in any way?”

  They’d talked a lot about Luke’s parents in their old sessions. But he was impressed Gordon remembered.

  “Yeah. Probably. I told you about my mom. She’s always been so unhappy. I think she wanted out of the marriage, but she didn’t have a college degree, and had never held a job…. She had no idea of how to make it on her own. So she was just… stuck. Stuck with my dad. Stuck with us.”

  Luke’s words came out bitter, but Gordon’s expression remained calm. “Right. But that’s not the case with Alex, is it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He works. He’s independent.”

  “Well… yeah. He’s super smart. And talented. Not many people could make a living doing what he does. He forged that career all on his own.”

  “So Alex is not like your mother at all. And you’re not like her either. So if, someday, you decided to part ways, you’d both be fine.”

  “Except…” Luke hesitated, frowning.

  “Go on. It’s okay to speak your mind here.”

  It was hard to say it out loud. But he’d sought Gordon’s out for a reason, so there was no point in being shy. “Because of the spina bifida and him being in a wheelchair. I just… I couldn’t leave him.”

  “Hmm.” Gordon thought about that, nodding and gazing into space. “I see. Do you think people in wheelchairs shouldn’t get married?”

  “No.” Luke glowered. “Of course I don’t think that.”

  “But they shouldn’t get divorced?”

  Luke sighed. “I’m not saying they shouldn’t get divorced. I just don’t know if I could live with myself if I hurt Alex like that.”

  “What if he decides to divorce you?”

  Luke rubbed his breastbone, feeling a sudden ache there. “That would
be okay. If he really wanted to. I mean… I hope he wouldn’t.”

  “So he could leave if things didn’t work out. But you couldn’t leave him.”

  Luke huffed. “I get it’s not exactly award-winning logic. But I can’t help how I feel.”

  Gordon got up to refresh his coffee from the pot near the window. He motioned to Luke, but Luke shook his head. No thanks. He was ramped up enough with emotion. He didn’t need caffeine.

  Gordon came back and sat down. His depth of calm was soothing. He always made it feel like everything would be okay, and there was plenty of time to just chill and think things through objectively. Luke relaxed a little.

  “All right. I’ve never met Alex. But do you think he might say that he just wants to be treated like anyone else?”

  “Sure.”

  “So, Luke…. Is it really Alex’s situation specifically that is giving you cold feet? Or is it getting serious about anyone that is making these feelings around your mother come up for you?”

  Luke started to protest but stopped. He thought about it.

  Luke had been sure it was the seriousness of Alex’s disability. That conversation with Amy… worrying about adding anymore pain to Alex’s life, ever. And that made him anxious. Because eventually they’d fight about something. That’s what people did.

  But… maybe it was just him. Just his freaking fear of commitment. He’d thought he’d gotten past that.

  “I don’t know,” he said quietly.

  “Before you left San Francisco, you told me how important it was to you to find a more meaningful relationship. That was part of why you moved back to Pennsylvania. And it sounds like you found what you were looking for.”

  Luke leaned forward, head in his hands. “Alex is so great. He’s the best person I’ve ever met. It’s so easy to be with him.”

  Gordon made a thoughtful noise. “When you talk about Alex, you light up in a way I’ve never seen in you before.”

  Luke knew that was true. Something deep inside of him just freaking loved Alex.

  “So I guess, Luke, you’re going to have to decide if you’re gonna let this fear of being stuck keep you from being with someone amazing. Or if you can look at that fear, acknowledge where it came from, but not let it control you. I will say this. None of us knows what the future holds, or if a relationship will last forever. All you can do is follow your heart, go into things in good faith. Be open to love. Be kind to one another. And continue to be honest and talk things through along the way. If it reaches a point where you truly aren’t happy, Alex doesn’t sound like the type to manipulate you to make you stay.”

  “He wouldn’t.”

  “Is there perhaps another issue around his disability? Are you worried about it holding you back from the things you want to do in life? It’s okay to feel that way, Luke.”

  Luke considered that. Was that part of it? He remembered how he’d felt at the top of Mount Nittany—the realization that being with Alex meant he’d never be able to do those sorts of things with the person he loved.

  But he also remembered Alex encouraging him to go on the hike, sincerely and with zero resentment. The pleasure he’d gotten when Luke texted him photos of the view. And at the horror con in Philly, Alex had encouraged Luke to go to the Wild West party without him. And Alex had gone off and had fun on his own. He hadn’t been upset in the slightest.

  Only, the whole time Luke had been at the Wild West party, what he’d really wanted was to be with Alex. Just like he’d felt standing in the Mix nightclub.

  And at that moment another cog of understanding slipped into place. Yeah, he’d rather be on the couch with Alex than at the hottest gay club in San Francisco. But he’d also rather spend his whole life walking on rail trails, if Alex was by his side, than climbing the most magnificent peaks.

  “No,” Luke said honestly. “No. Because I can go climb mountains if I want to. Alex would cheer me on from home. But… it’s really more fun to be with him.”

  Gordon sipped his coffee and regarded Luke with a little smile.

  “What?” Luke said, echoing the smile back.

  “I’m happy for you, Luke. I really am.”

  Chapter 18

  Alex Pushes Back

  After he left Gordon’s office, Luke stopped on the sidewalk and checked his phone. Still nothing from Alex. Was he okay? What if something had happened?

  Luke hit the Call button. Voice mail picked up. “Hey, babe, it’s me. I… I miss you. Please call me so we can talk.”

  Luke hung up. Alex would call back. Soon, hopefully. But he didn’t. He didn’t respond to several text messages that evening either.

  The next day, Luke stepped out into the lobby at City Shark Games and made the call he’d been avoiding. Amy had given him her number, in case there was ever an emergency. It was humiliating, but he dialed it. She picked up.

  “Amy, it’s Luke.”

  She was silent for a minute. “Hi, Luke.”

  “I’m trying to reach Alex. Is he okay? He hasn’t been returning my emails or calls.”

  “Alex doesn’t want to speak to you.” The finality in her voice cut Luke to the bone.

  So this was not some communication mishap, then. And Alex was not in the hospital. Luke really was being dumped. “Why?” was all Luke could manage.

  “I guess you’d have to ask him.”

  “I would, but he won’t speak to me.” Luke’s voice shook.

  Amy seemed to take pity on him. “Look, I’ll ask Alex to email you.” She hesitated. “You should know that he won’t be at the Woodsman when you get back. We’re moving his stuff out at the end of December. He’s going to live with our folks until he finds something else.”

  “But… that’s Alex’s place. It’s set up for a wheelchair. He can’t just leave it!”

  “Yeah. It sucks that he has to. Goodbye, Luke.” Amy hung up.

  Luke was going to be sick. He made it to the men’s room and sank down in a cubicle, cold and sweating. He felt hot pressure behind his eyes. When was the last time he’d cried? High school maybe. He covered his face with his hand and fought to get himself under control. The pain in his chest—it felt like his heart was breaking. He’d never known how literal that could be.

  Alex, for fuck’s sake. I know I screwed up, but it can’t be this bad. Please.

  He suddenly remembered that Amy said she’d try to get Alex to email him. In a flash, Luke had his phone out. He wiped his face with his elbow and opened his email.

  There was an email from Alex.

  Luke,

  You were really nice to me, and you never promised me anything. I wish I could just take it for what it is and enjoy it. But I fell for you so hard. So damned hard, Luke. I just loved everything about you. I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again, be the only one invested in the relationship, let someone make me feel not good enough, and wait around for the crumbs they’re willing to give me. It hurts too much. I don’t blame you. The thing is, I want the best for you, even if that’s not me. I get it. My life is complicated, and there’s no reason why you need to deal with all that. I wish we could remain friends, but it would be better for me to try to forget you.

  Alex

  Luke read it three times. As it sank in, something cleared in his mind, and he saw how bad things must have looked to Alex. Since Halloween, they’d rarely gone out. It was always dark by the time he was off work, and he just wanted to hang out at Alex’s place if he went over at all. The one time they’d gone to the movie theater he’d pulled away from Alex’s touch. He hadn’t been willing to say “I love you.” He hadn’t wanted to introduce Alex to his family. He’d been running away emotionally if not physically. And, hell, with the trip to San Francisco, physically too.

  He hadn’t meant to push Alex away altogether. He’d just wanted to go slower, that was all, get some space to figure out what he damn well wanted.

  He had been afraid of getting stuck, or of hurting Alex someday. As a result, he’d only hurt
Alex now. And himself. Most of all himself. Because if he’d lost Alex…. Oh God.

  He was an idiot. Hadn’t he been sure, really, since the moment Alex opened his front door and said hello? Since the first time Alex had lain down on his couch and pulled Luke into his arms? Hadn’t they been in love from the very start? And look at Alex now. Luke had been so worried about protecting him, but Alex was standing up for himself. He was being the strong one. Fuck you, Schumaker. I’m worth more than that.

  Luke wanted to laugh and sob at the same time. Good for him. Because Alex was. Dammit, Alex was fucking worth everything, and he should have made sure Alex knew that every goddamn day. Alex’s mind, his eyes, his lips, his cock, his beautiful smile, his laugh, his bravery, his heart…. Those were the things that mattered, the things it would kill Luke to live without.

  The spina bifida and all that went with it? That was just logistics.

  * * *

  Marco looked up as Luke approached his desk. “What’s up with you, dude?” He grimaced at Luke’s reddened eyes. Marco was a six-foot-one gay Japanese-American programmer with the most expressive face Luke had ever seen. He was also one of Luke’s best friends.

  “I’m an ass.” Luke smiled, warm and happy. “And I’ve lost the most important thing in the world to me. But it’s okay, because I’m gonna fix it.”

  “Ooookay. Whatever you say.” Marco shrugged, with an expression that said Luke was crazy, but he was used to it.

  “How would you feel about helping me out with a super special Easter egg in the new mission? Giselle’s onboard for the art and Stephan for the music.”

  Marco winced. “Can’t. Brian’s already got me overloaded, man. You know that.”