by Kitty Berry
The Valentine dance should be the low point that makes me see the light, but it isn’t, not even close. I ask Michelle to go to the dance with me as a threesome with her friend Deidra, figuring it’ll give everyone something to talk about.
Raina tells me she’s going to the dance with Sofia who as usual is fighting with Willie and refuses to go with him. I shrug my shoulders like I could care less who she goes with. “I’m sure you two will drive a bunch of guys out of their minds with your little girl on girl action routine.”
“Maybe. I’m sure you’ll have your hands too full to even notice” she delivers with a little sting as she gets up from my bed and collects her clothes. She gets dress, kisses me, and climbs out my window. She leans back in, looks at me as if she’s about to say something but decides against it. She turns and leaves before I can ask her what she was thinking. As I watch her leave, I want to beg her to stay. But I don’t.
Campus is one big party when Michelle, Deidra, and I finally make it to the frat house. We probably shouldn’t have drunk so much before arriving and we definitely shouldn’t have smoked the amount of weed we did. I cannot see an inch in front of my face. The girls can’t stand up and are holding onto either side of me when I spot Raina.
She looks so incredibly beautiful, that for those few minutes when our eyes are locked on each other, I can see perfectly. The swell of her luscious breasts in that tight pink dress instantly makes me harder than Michelle and Deidra have all night with their combined effort. Raina’s hair is up with soft curls falling around her face. I want to reach out and feel one of them between my fingers.
Michelle perks up when she hears some song she likes and drags Deidra into the middle of the room to dance. I approach Raina, but as I get about three feet from her, some dude that I don’t even fucking know puts his arm around her and leads her to the dance floor. I stand there stunned with a pain in my chest that I can’t describe and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I turn, and I watch as they begin to grind into each other to the rhythm of the music.
Michelle comes bounding up to me with new found energy that I thought I had fucked out of her earlier. She pulls me to the dance floor and as I watch this pretty boy douche dry hump Raina, I decide to one up her. Michelle and I put on a show to end all shows. I admit I allowed it to go too far when she actually got on her knees in front of me and rubbed and licked me through my pants. Well, maybe that could have even been overlooked, but when I took three steps back to lean against the wall and I let her give me a blow job with everyone watching, even I admit that was too much. Saying Raina’s name when I came was probably unforgivable.
Raina stood there as stunned as everyone else, watching as Michelle reached into my pants then wrapped her mouth around me. My eyes stayed on Raina until she turned to run off the dance floor. That was when she heard me yell her name. At first, when she turned around, she might have thought I was calling out to her, asking her not to go. She might have…until she saw the look on my face and watched Michelle wipe her mouth.
I tuck myself back into my pants as Raina storms off leaving me hating myself even more than she does.
February 2014
Pete
When Todd started slipping into sleep more and more we said all that needed to be said. We cried, we hugged, and we said good-bye for one last time. I made promises that I will spend my life keeping no matter the cost.
“Promise me you’ll take care of Amanda and our baby for me. Promise me you’ll tell my child about me” Todd begs.
“Of course,” I manage to choke out through tears. “I’ll tell him what a shithead you were and what a fucking pussy. Oh, the being a pussy part, I’m totally going to focus on that” I joke trying to lighten the mood.
“Fucking douche bag” he smiles at me.
Todd reminisces about the past and his relationship with Amanda and I let him. I sit and listen as if it’s the first time I’m hearing this story.
“I regret my decision to end things with Amanda. I fucked up big time. I ruined her life, mine too. I just hope maybe this…maybe our baby can fix it a little for her.”
I nod in understanding and encourage him to go on. I can tell he needs to get it out one last time. It’s the least I can do, sit and listen. Remember the pain we shared years ago over losing the women we loved. Unlike Todd, at least I can find comfort in the knowledge that I’m being given another chance with Raina.
At the thought of her, I ache to hear her voice, find comfort in her embrace. I can’t call her yet though. I can’t let her see me like this. I have to see Todd through this then get my head back on straight before I go to her. I just hope she understands.
Todd goes on to tell me the story of their break up as if I hadn’t lived through every second of it with him. I was still so raw over Raina leaving me at the time, mainly focused on my own misery. I’d just moved to New York when he called to tell me what he was planning on doing.
“She wants marriage and kids, man. Like ASAP. I can’t do that right now. I love her more than I know what to do with, but I just…I can’t. You know? Not right now. I need time to get established. There’s talk of them moving me to London. There’s going to be years of paying my dues, long hours, nights out, traveling. I can’t do that to her. I can’t watch her grow to hate and resent me because she’s sitting home while I’m at work and traveling the world. Am I an asshole for wanting to go to London? I don’t fucking know what to do, Pete. I’m thinking about telling her I need a break from us for a while. See what happens.”
I remember not believing what I was hearing when it was happening and I still don’t believe it now. Todd waited for Amanda forever. She was all he ever wanted. I thought he had lost his mind and I told him that much then and I tell him again now.
When he called me that day, I told him how wrecked I was without Raina, warned him he’d be the same without Amanda. “Do you understand what losing her has done to me? Because I no longer have her, I can’t stand to step foot in my bedroom where everything still smells of her. I can’t look across the street at the house where she lived for almost a year, the best year of my fucking life. I had to leave the state just to try to move on. And it isn’t working. It isn’t fucking working at all. Nothing is. Not trying to think about anything but her. Not avoiding the radio in case a song that reminds me of her comes on. Not becoming a sexual Dominant and playing subbie girls in my new friend’s Manhattan BDSM club.”
Todd sighs over the line and I pace the floor then settle into a chair. “Todd, listen to me, man, you need to think long and hard about this before you make any dumb ass decisions and ruin your life, too. What if she finds someone else? What then, huh? Did you think of that?”
“Fuck, man. Course I did, and it rips me apart to think of her with anyone but me, but you know how the saying goes, right? About loving someone and setting them free? If we’re meant to be, then it’ll be. If not, then maybe I’m doing her a favor. And back it up, man. You’re a what in a sex club?”
I shared for the first time my new lifestyle with Todd that night on the phone. I told him all about the kink Raina and I shared and that I couldn’t make myself move on and be with anyone else except in the BDSM clubs where I take charge, where it feels almost more like acting at times then expressing real emotions. Even at the time, I knew the opposite should be true but at that stage in my life, that’s where I was. It was all I had to offer. Take it or leave it was my attitude. And if my memory serves me, no one left it; they all took whatever little piece of me I was willing to give. There was nothing left of my heart to offer, Raina had it all. She always had, always will.
Todd followed through on his idiotic plan and broke up with Amanda a week after our phone conversation. He told her he loved her and always would. He said he refused to ask her to wait for him. He didn’t know when he’d be ready, but it wasn’t now. He told her about the opportunity he had in London and said he was leaving within a week.
Amanda cried, she yelled, but
in the end, she let him go. She used the same line on him that he said to me. “I guess if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen with us. It’s like that saying, right? If you love someone set them free?”
Todd gave her space, didn’t contact her until he got to London. He called and told her how to reach him and said he’d check in with her in a few days. He waited a year. When he called her, she had just met somebody. She told Todd she still loved him, always would but that she really liked this guy and it wouldn’t be fair not to give him a chance. Todd had his and didn’t want it, gave it away, and ran to London. She said she still wanted to get married and have kids, settle down. Todd said he still wanted to travel. He’d be staying in London part of the year and in the States the other part. They could make it work, he said. She disagreed, and within six months, was planning her wedding to a guy she didn’t love. A guy who she was ironically only marrying to have a family with. A guy who, in the end, couldn’t give her anything she needed. Only Todd could do that, and now it looks like, in the end, he just might have.
****
Todd dies peacefully on a Saturday in February. He’s right where he wanted to be…in his childhood bed with his parents and me.
He’d been gradually slipping from this world for a week leading up to his death and when he takes his last breath, it’s a relief to see him finally free of pain.
If I could change this in any way, if there was anything I could have done to keep him from dying, I would have done that and so much more. I didn’t want to lose my best friend, but by the end, all I want for him is to be at peace.
It’s the perfect day when Todd dies, one we would have normally taken full advantage of. Outside Todd’s window we’re able to hear an ensemble of bird songs. There’s a balmy breeze fragranced with fresh flowers floating through the air, carrying the scent into his room through the opened window. When I briefly look out, I’m gazing up at a cloudless sky of pure azure. Perfection.
I hadn’t known what to expect of his final minutes and find Todd’s death more confusing and scary because of that. The lack of control over his leaving this world doesn’t help me any either. It’s physically and emotional stressful. His transition from life to death takes its toll on my mind, heart, and soul. But I’m glad I’m here for it, it’s a great honor to be present and able to witness the closing of his life.
He didn’t suffer at the end and I hope my being here gave him comfort. The experience isn’t necessarily traumatic for him. As selfish as this sounds, it’s much more traumatic for me. I’ll spend the rest of my life remembering the experience, every detail of it.
Just minutes before Todd takes his final breath, he becomes confused and delirious. He experiences hallucinations about his future with Amanda and their child, and it’s difficult to hear him speak of them as a family, having everything he wanted. I’ll be going on to watch his child grow up without him. I know what it feels like to lose your father, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, most certainly not my best friend’s unborn child.
Then, as fast as he became confused, it dissipates, and Todd becomes placid and peaceful, his body turning silent and calm. He struggles momentarily to get air into his lungs; his breathing labored and heavy, like he has an elephant crushing his chest. He gasps a few times.
Todd turns and gazes in my direction, smiles at me, then his head rolls to the side and he’s gone. His chest is still, his body motionless. But once his struggle ends, he looks so peaceful.
The releasing of his spirit from his body takes a bit of effort, but I believe that his spirit will remain with me forever. It’ll guide me, watch over me, and keep me safe. I’ll hold our friendship in my heart forever; I’ll love him always and never forget him, but my best friend is gone and I’m not sure how to move on from something like this. I’m not sure one really can.
I’ll forever hear his labored breathing in my head. I’ll see his body lying lifeless in my mind until it’s my time to leave this world. The piece of my heart, my soul that Todd took with him, will never be restored. I’ll go on missing a piece of myself forever.
Todd was very clear about not wanting any kind of burial services. Neither he nor his parents are religious, so they agreed. Todd asked to be cremated and requested that our friends and I spread his remains at the beach house.
I call Amanda shortly after Todd dies. She answers on the first ring already crying. “Don’t say it, Pete, I already know. I felt different the minute he was gone. I knew you’d be calling within the hour. Just tell me he went peacefully and that he wasn’t in pain. Please tell me you were with him and he wasn’t scared.”
“I was with him,” I take a deep breath and steady myself before I continue. “He looked at me one last time then just turned his head and he was gone,” I try to finish without the onslaught of tears, but I don’t succeed. “He’s gone, Amanda. Todd’s gone. I’ll never see him again and I don’t know how to handle that” I sob, tears flowing from my eyes.
“None of us do. We just need to be strong for each other.”
I promise to keep in touch with her over the next few days then quickly hang up, unable to keep myself composed and not wanting to put my shit on Amanda, she has enough of her own.
I hold true to my promise and call Amanda back a few days later to let her know we need to get everyone to the beach house for one last time to spread Todd’s ashes. Before we hang up this time she asks, “How long are you planning on staying in town?”
“I don’t know. Not long. I’ll make sure everything is in order with Todd’s affairs then I’m getting Raina and we’re leaving.”
“Yeah, about that, Pete…”
I’m already flying out of the house and jumping into my truck. I know what Amanda is about to say. I never called Raina again after my initial call. That part, I know she understands, but at the same time, I should have known that a piece of her was going to think I was being a dick again like I was years ago. I should have seen this coming. Raina’s running away from me again and it shouldn’t surprise me. In a way, it really doesn’t. It pisses me off though and she’s not going to get away with it this time.
I hang up with Amanda as I pull into my driveway. I park the truck and instead of going inside to see my mother first, I storm across the street and pound on her front door. Her father opens it and motions me inside. Dave Montgomery is an intimidating man but there is no fucking way I’m backing down. I’m not that kid anymore who knew he was getting what he deserved but I still feel the déjà vu lingering in the air.
“Where the fuck is she?” I question. “And don’t lie to me this time, Dave. I’m not in the mood for this shit right now. Damn it, she should know better than to pull this again.”
Judy comes into the entranceway when she hears my raised voice and stands next to her husband. “Pete,” she begins. “Pete, you know we love you. I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now. It’s just so…Todd was a good boy. I’m sorry for your loss.”
I nod. “Where’s Raina, Judy? I need to see her. I…we need to talk.”
Dave speaks for his wife. Apparently, Raina likes a man with control issues for a reason. “We don’t know where she went. She honestly didn’t tell us. We didn’t even know she had left until we found the note.”
“Note? What note? What did it say?”
“Just that she was sorry she had to leave without saying good-bye. She said she expected you to come looking for her and she didn’t want us to know where she was in case you managed to talk us into telling you. Sounds like she knows you pretty well there, Roman.”
I growl under my breath. “If you hear from her or you think you know where she might have gone, please call me. Here, take my number so you can reach me.”
I storm back across the street ready to break shit, but as I fling open the front door, I find my mother standing there and instead I fall into her arms. She holds me as I cry over my best friend, a guy who was like a son to her. She cries with me for what may be hours befor
e she releases me and we head into the kitchen.
On the counter is a pile of mail for me, most to do with Todd’s affairs. I leaf through it, planning on dealing with all of it later when I’m in a better frame of mind. Then I see the one envelope that changes my mood immediately. It’s from London and right then I know where she’s gone. I remember that over the years Raina has used Todd’s flat to hide out when her life was too much to handle. I look at my mom and smile for the first time in weeks. “Ma, I need to book a seat on the first flight to London.”
February 2014
Raina
I arrive at Heathrow Airport in the early morning and call Phoenix to retrieve me. He arrives at the terminal looking sexy and rumpled, his jeans fitting just right and his tight white t-shirt hugging his muscles. I clearly understand his effect on women. I admit that if I wasn’t blind to every man but Pete, I’d appreciate his perfect form and gorgeous face in a much different way.
Nix is tall, lean and muscular. His ink black hair is on the longish side, flopping into his eyes, giving him that look of just rising from bed. His stubble covered jaw and carefully placed tattoos give him the perfect aura of bad boy.
I watch as every girl he passes glances his way then does a double take. I see the looks of disappointment when he reaches me and wraps me in his arms, kissing the top of my head then my forehead. They all assume I’m his girlfriend about to go home with him after a vacation apart and devour him in his bed. The thought of Nix with a girlfriend makes me smile, a soft chuckle escaping me.
He sends a sexy smirk my way, flexes his bicep, then winks at me. “Naughty girl,” he says.
With my bags already in hand we head out to Phoenix’s car. He loads them into the trunk, slides into the driver’s seat and pulls into traffic.
We arrive at his building; his flat is the one next to Todd’s, well, Pete’s now. It’s hard to think of this place as Pete’s. This place of refuge for me, my sanctuary will always be Todd’s in my mind.