Ashes

by Erica Stevens

  She simply didn’t want his worry, his concern. She understood it, but she didn’t want it. Turning to the window, she stared out at the darkening night. Snow had begun to fall in spiraling flakes that floated lazily through the air. Though it had just started, it was already beginning to build on the lawns and trees. Trees that still had not completely shed their leaves as winter had come much sooner than expected.

  Lights swung into the driveway as Luther pulled in. He had left shortly after the funeral, citing that he had a few things to take care of. He had been disappearing for brief periods of time since her grandmother’s death. Cassie didn’t know what he was doing, and she didn’t particularly care. There was nothing that she did care about anymore.

  She watched as he made his way swiftly up the driveway, blowing on his hands in an attempt to keep them warm. She doubted that it worked. “Cassie, maybe you should eat.” She glanced back at Chris, shaking her head briefly. She had no appetite anymore. “You need to eat,” he pressed.

  “I’m fine.”

  He sighed softly before moving slowly away from her. She didn’t want to cause him anymore anguish, she knew that he was grieving for her grandmother too, but it was best for him if there was distance between them now. It would hurt him less when she was gone.

  Her eyes scanned the dark night, though nothing moved she knew that Devon was out there. She knew that as well as she knew that the sun would rise tomorrow, the earth would turn, and she would still be dead inside. Cassie rested her palms against the cool glass, wishing for a moment that she could go to him. That she could hold him.

  She knew that she wouldn’t feel so dead in his arms.

  And she also knew that she couldn’t allow herself to do that. He was the reason her grandmother was dead after all, to forgive him would be a betrayal of her grandmother’s memory. To allow herself to love him again would only make what she had to do much harder. Her hand slid from the glass. No, there was no room for forgiveness inside her anymore. In fact, she wasn’t sure there was even room for her inside of her anymore. Not with the unending waves of anger that filled her constantly.

  She almost welcomed the certainty of her death, almost welcomed the release that it would bring her. She just hoped that by the time it happened Chris and Melissa would have distanced themselves from her. She didn’t want them to be this devastated, this hopeless and angry after she was gone. Though she wanted a release from this deadened existence, she wanted even more for them not to have to feel this way too.

  “Cassie.” She turned slowly toward Luther, ignoring the plate he held out. Sighing heavily, he lowered the plate. “Cassie, your guests are leaving.”

  Her gaze darted past him to the line of people standing by the door. The only thing that got her moving was the thought that her grandmother would be disappointed in her if she was rude to them. She clasped hands, exchanged hugs, and murmurs and was greatly relieved when the last person filtered out. Closing the door behind them, she leaned heavily against it.

  “Melissa and I are going to stay again tonight,” Luther said softly.

  She opened her eyes; her vision was slightly blurry with exhaustion as she nodded. “If you feel you must.”

  “We don’t want you to be alone,” Melissa said softly.

  “I’ll be fine. Dani still lives here.”

  Dani shifted nervously, obviously unsure how to handle the situation. “Do you want me to leave?” she blurted out.

  Cassie shook her head, stepping away from the door. There may be little left of her, but she wasn’t going to throw the girl out on the street. “No, you can stay for as long as you need to.”

  Dani glanced worriedly at the other three, not knowing how to take Cassie’s answer. It had not been inviting, but she had not been booted to the curb either. “I think it’s best if we stay,” Luther said firmly.

  They weren’t worried about her being alone; they were worried about what she would do. She knew they watched her, knew that Devon was camped outside, but they could not watch her all the time. They would have to go home at some point, and eventually Devon would have to feed. And now that the funeral was over, Cassie had much more time on her hands to think about how she would get away. How she would carry out her revenge.

  “I’m going to sleep.”

  Though she uttered the words, she knew they weren’t true. She hadn’t slept in three days; she didn’t expect to sleep tonight. She moved away from the door, ignoring them all as she wearily climbed the stairs. She had become a bitch, a miserable cold bitch; she knew that, she just couldn’t bring herself to care.

  But then, she didn’t care about much anymore. All of her caring, her love, her life had all been burnt away by the rage that now festered within her. There was nothing left inside her. It was best if she stayed alone, best if she kept every one away from her. It was better if they didn’t know how little there was left to her. Better they didn’t know that all that was left of her were smoldering ashes of the person she had once been.

  A person she would never be again.