“Let’s finish this trouble at home, okay?” you said, sealing that promise with another kiss.
“Okay.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Sudden Loss
We built a life, you and I. In four months, there we were, solid, functioning citizens of that island. The effervescence of those times still mesmerized us, bonded us together.
We even had a social life. Of course, it only consisted of Ariel and Diana, but two nights a week, we ventured into town and spent time with others in the square. Olive went everywhere with us. A few times, we caught her sitting at the dining room table, leaning back on the chair with her two hind legs. She mimicked the way you looked, back straight, hands clasped, excitedly waiting for dinner.
I still made it my mission to memorize every bright moonlit night, every cool rainy day. I learned to live in the moment. Nothing mattered but the fact that I was with you. The big things—my sins, the fact that I had left Charlie and never looked back—gnawed at me every single day. Still, I justified it. Still, I believed that I deserved this time with you.
Once in a while, when I was listless and quiet, you held me close and pressed your lips against my forehead. “You miss him,” you’d say.
“Yes,” I’d answer.
“A little more time,” you’d request.
And I would nod.
“Tell me,” Diana said, that last day in June during our normal walk home.
“Tell you what? I asked, kicking an empty can of Coke in front of me so Olive could chase it. I dropped her off each morning at Diana’s while I taught. On most days, she and I would make the five-mile walk back home alone. On some days, Diana would join us and wait for Ariel to drive home from the mainland.
Olive used her nose to nudge the can forward. Diana locked arms with me as we trudged slowly through the warm sand, stopping once in a while to coax Olive to keep moving. Sometimes it would take us over an hour and a half to reach our cottage. I think we both needed these walks. We were two kindred souls who in many ways were hungry for the gift of friendship.
Diana let a few minutes pass before trying again. “Tell me why you look sad sometimes, and your eyes only light up when you see your husband.”
“Of course my eyes light up,” I squeaked, defensive. “He’s my husband.”
“So you’re telling me you had no life before you met and married Roman?”
“I’ve told you everything,” I emphasized again, ensuring that we didn’t break cadence with our steps. I wanted every step to take me closer to home. This felt much like an intrusion, except I knew the inquisitor and she loved me. “Maybe you think I’m sad because this life is new to me. I’m adjusting to rural life after having lived the bustle of a major city all these years.”
“And this is a good change, no?” Diana asked, changing her approach.
Olive halted in the middle of the pathway, a sign that she needed me to pick her up. I did.
“Yes, of course, it is,” I answered. “We were meant to be together, Roman and I.”
“Isn’t it funny,” she said, “Even when two people are meant to be together, it still takes a lot of hard work to make sure it happens. Sometimes, we have to move heaven and earth just to follow fate.”
“Yeah.” I chuckled. “Everything for one thing. One thing for everything.”
“You know, when I left to elope with Ariel, I didn’t even think twice about it. I knew I couldn’t live without him. When I heard my father on the phone with the dean of a college in the States, the plan had been set in motion and he was going to send me there. I didn’t even pack bags! I just got in the car to go to school and never came home. Ariel met me after my class and we just walked away from my old life.”
I thought about that for a moment. We were nearing our home, but I wanted to learn more. She was wise beyond her years. “Do you ever regret what you did?” I asked.
She paused for quite some time. Olive wiggled in my arms when she saw our home in the distance. She shook her little body as I released her on to the sand. I turned to Diana, who bobbed her head as she spoke.
“I regret the hurt I caused. My mother got sick and passed away before meeting my children. Vincent and I were very close, and he was my best friend. We are exactly one year apart in age, so we did everything together. When I first reconnected with him, all Vincent wanted to know was why I didn’t warn him. Sudden loss is ruinous, I think.”
Sudden loss. I flinched. Diana looked at me with concern, catching me just as I threw my shoulders back and lost my footing.
“Are you okay, Julia?”
“You know how I lost my mom,” I answered. “I’m just remembering the pain.”
“I know,” Diana said. “But pain is redemptive. Before my mom died, she and I made peace over the phone. She told me that she understood why I did it and that she was proud of how brave I was. That I was an inspiration to her because I stood up for what I wanted in my life. And she couldn’t have asked for a better husband for her daughter than Ariel.”
This time, I was the one who offered her comfort, stepping toward her and wrapping my arms around her shoulders while Olive ran up the stairs and barked at the front door.
You opened the door and swept her up in your arms. You were a sight to see, reminding me why this was all worthwhile.
“You’re home,” I said, smiling from ear to ear.
I turned to Diana, all pain, all worry, all forgotten. “He’s all I need. He is my past, my present, and my future.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Windchimes
“What’s this?” you asked when I handed you a T-shirt. You held it up and placed it against your chest. It was a peace sign in red, white and blue.
“I found it at the market the other day. I figured we would wear it for tonight’s fireworks.”
“Fireworks? We’re having fireworks?” you asked, still not sure where this was all going.
“I found some at the market too. Some sparklers and a few bottle rockets. I’m not sure how Olive will feel about all the noise, but I thought we should test it,” I said with a chuckle. “Of course we’re having fireworks! It’s the fourth of July.”
“Oh, you mean the market next to your favorite hang out.”
“What?”
“The post office!” you teased.
“Stop.” I gently slapped your arm. “Diana ships things for her business all the time.”
You took one step toward me and I wrapped my arms around your neck.
“After I run some errands with Ariel,” you said, your tone regretful.
“I know.”
“Sorry, babe, but it’s my only day off and I want to finish the backsplash today. Ariel will be here shortly to take me across the river to get some of the Spanish tiles you wanted.”
I caressed your face before kissing you. “Hmm,” I said. “You are the best. I’ll be home waiting for you, Mr. O’Neill.”
“Mmm.” You kissed me back, playfully nipping at my top lip. “We’ll have our own fireworks.” Your kiss deepened, your right hand slowly creeping into my t-shirt. “How about we start—”
Beep. Beep. Beep.
“Your ride is here.” I gently pushed you back. “Don’t worry. I’ll be home waiting.”
“I love you, Car.”
“Love you, Matty boy. Hurry back home.”
Diana got out of the truck as soon as I stepped onto the porch. “Hi!” she said. You waved at her and ran down the steps to the passenger seat. “I brought something for Julia.”
You blew me a kiss and got into Ariel’s truck.
Diana stood at the bottom stoop with a paper bag in hand. “I hope you don’t mind,” she said, looking sheepish, her eyes searching mine. “Ariel said they’d only be gone for an hour, so I asked if I could come along and deliver this to you.”
She shoved the bag in front of me.
“Thank you,” I said, reaching for it, holding it stiffly between three fingers. “What is it?”
I held it up, allowing the brown bag to drop. Olive seized the opportunity to crumple it with her paws. The word L-O-V-E, spelled out in red, held three tiers of crystal hearts, which cast back the sunlight and turned it into little diamonds on the wooden floor. Layers of metal tubes and glass cylinders gave out a crisp, tinkling sound as they swayed with the wind.
“It’s beautiful,” I gasped. “I can’t wait for Roman to put it up.” I walked toward our front door and placed my finger next to the wooden frame that enclosed the outdoor lamp. “Right here.”
“Are you familiar with the legend of the wind chimes?”
“I mean, we have them in the states too, but I never really paid attention to their meaning,” I said.
“Here, we believe that wind chimes bring good luck. But more importantly, its melodious sounds are so beautiful that they are believed to carry with the wind to every part of the world. I believe it calls out to the ones you love, Julia. Whoever it is you’ve left behind, they will hear you calling out to them.”
She knows, I thought. How does she know?
What she said, what I’d been feeling that day, led to my undoing. Fourth of July parades, candies scattered along the street, fireworks, bottle rockets, sparklers. My mom decked out in red, white, and blue, sporting her Uncle Sam hat. All those things made up who I used to be. You made up who I was now.
“I left my family behind for Roman. I had to choose between him and the rest of them! I chose him! I don’t regret it,” I cried, tears flowing freely. Diana took both my hands in hers. “I have a son named Charlie, who just turned eleven. I left him and my husband and my sister because this was the only way I could come back to life. I’ve been dealing with it for months. The pain of missing Charlie kills me, but Roman brings me back to life.”
“You’re not married,” she stated as if she’d known all along.
“No.”
She didn’t say a word, but kept her eyes on me, urging me to go on and assuring me that she understood all at the same time. Briefly, she left my sight, and I realized it was to hang the wind chimes on the nail that stuck out by the outside lamp. She led me to the top of the stairs and we both sat.
“Will you be going back, eventually?”
“Yes, eventually.” I sniffed. “Roman doesn’t say anything, but I know he senses that this is just temporary. I want both of them, Di. I want Roman, I want Charlie. Why can’t I have both?”
“I don’t think anyone made you choose,” she said. “Just like no one told me to leave my family for Ariel.”
“In the months that have passed, I think I’ve been able to figure out why I did it. I was under such a deep depression that I felt no hope until Roman came along. But I’m not saying I have no fault in this at all. I’m saying that no matter how this started, I was a willing participant in everything we did. I love him so much that I accept all consequences for my actions.”
“Do you tell Roman about these thoughts? Missing Charlie?” she asked, hands still on mine, our bodies facing each other. I noticed she wasn’t in her usual summer dress. She wore fashionable jeans and a pair of Gucci loafers. Maybe she was beginning to accept her identity, where she came from. Maybe Ariel was helping her to make peace with her roots.
“He knows. I have recurring nightmares. When we talk about Charlie, all he does is ask for more time with me. But every second, every minute serves to worsen the situation at home. Them not knowing where I am or where I’ve gone,” I said.
Diana nodded, staying silent, absorbing it all. Finally, a smile lit up her face and she squeezed my hand. “What we do for love. It’s gallant, actually.”
I smiled back, a weak, half-smile, partial agreement, partial acknowledgment that the gravity of what I’d done would in no way lessen just because it was done out of love.
“Why are you so kind to me?”
“Because I see you struggling every day. I can tell that you’re beating yourself over the choices you’ve made,” Diana answered.
“How so?”
“You’re always lost in your thoughts.”
I nodded wistfully. My eyes fixed on the wind chimes, watching them swirl. “I have to make it right.”
“What does that mean?”
“Simply that I will have to leave,” I choked, holding back more tears.
She draped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me toward her, allowing me to lean my head against hers. This time, pain and relief mixed in equal parts. The pain was so great because I had verbalized my thoughts, my feelings, the ones I’d held back for so many months. The relief bequeathed to me by this woman knew no bounds. Someone else knew my story. If anything, she could help me convince you that I had the right intentions.
I cried for both these reasons. I didn’t hold back. I slumped into her and sobbed uncontrollably while she stroked my hair. She knew I needed to run out of tears. Only then can the veil of sadness be lifted to let in some of the light.
There was a light to all this—it was the love I had for you. I wondered then if you knew this. If the only way I could make you believe was to give in to what you wanted.
“Diana?” I whispered, afraid that our time together would soon be cut short.
“Yes, Julia?”
“Will you help me plan a wedding? I know I can’t be married in the church, but maybe a ceremony where I give him my vows, to love him forever, to show him that this is the only love I want in my life?”
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Love
“How do I look?” you asked. You stood in front of me, wearing a pair of white linen slacks paired with a crisp white linen blazer. “Should I wear something else? I feel like this makes me look like the groom.”
“Diana picked that out for you. You’re the best man, after all,” I said, smoothing my hands over your shoulders, admiring your beauty. “And just for the record, you look amazing.”
“Thank you,” you whispered, leaning over to give me a kiss.
“What time is the ceremony?” you asked. “If I had known earlier, I could’ve taken Ariel out for a bachelor party of some sort.”
I scrunched my nose in response. “He has three kids.”
“All the more reason to have given him an excuse to go out!” you joked. “And how come you’re not getting ready? Aren’t we going together?”
“I promised Diana I’d follow with the kids. I didn’t want her to have to worry about them.”
“Okay,” you said, kissing my forehead. “Hurry over, though. I want to stand in front with you.”
“You bet,” I said, smiling.
On the 29th day of July, I carried out my promise to you, on the island, in front of strangers and our two closest friends. The plan we hatched, Diana and I, went without a hitch. There you were, standing with Ariel at the foot of the bridge, believing all along that you were a part of their vow renewal ceremony. I owed Diana so much for this day. She went all out, planned every detail. From the white orchids and hydrangeas that lined the makeshift bamboo rails on the bridge to the string of lights that illuminated our path. The heavens helped too, bringing on the most exquisite afternoon sun that slowly descended upon the water as the ceremony began.
They shipped our outfits from the mainland. Your linen white suit and my off-white dress. Diana insisted on me wearing white, but I’ve always lived my truth and I wasn’t about to change that. And so we settled on ivory, a dress that made me feel like a siren—long and sleek with a halter neck and bodice made out of lace. As for my something old, I wore my mother’s pearl white earrings—something I’d taken with me when we first made the trip out here. Diana’s pearl bracelet was my borrowed, and Olive’s collar was all decked out in blue.
I was more nervous than I’d ever been. I knew it was because I wanted to get this right, say the right words to you, make you see what was in my heart that day, make you believe that I had only started living after I met yo
u.
Three of our students began to play their violins, a song that was familiar to both of us. Our song from the Godfrey, our late night dance at the plaza. You couldn’t see me yet, but I saw you, standing in your resplendence, hands clasped, smiling and making Ariel laugh. When the music played, you turned to Ariel. This was our song, not theirs. And then their children began to walk slowly toward you. You saw Toto in a white satin suit, looking like a little man at four years old. Chiqui followed in a white satin dress, carrying a basket of white rose petals. And then Gabby in the identical dress, except that she led Olive wearing a collar filled with blue hydrangeas, visibly irritated by the weight of the flowers.
And when you saw me, you stumbled backward. Ariel held out his arms to steady you. You looked at me searchingly. I held your gaze and tipped my head in a slight nod. You swayed from side to side, Ariel with arms at the ready, until you buried your face in your hands and sobbed. I paused, not knowing what to do but seconds after that, you were smiling, cheeks glistening with tears, holding out your arms to me as Chiqui, Toto, Gabby, and Olive made their way to stand next to you.
“A vow is validated when you make it in front of witnesses,” Diana said during this moment’s planning stages.
“We can’t do it in front of a priest or a minister,” I said, speaking openly now that she knew my story. “I can’t bring religion into this. I was married in a church.”
“No, I didn’t mean those witnesses. I meant people. Normal people,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“That’s going to be a little bit difficult,” I laughed, reminding her that our world was a little limited those days.
“Leave it to me,” she said, tapping her fingers on my lap.
If anything, I knew our vows were valid. Diana had invited the entire town. Seventy people, all dressed in their finest attire stood respectfully around the bridge, some standing in the water, the others with their shoes digging into the sand. There was Mang Inog, the postman, the doctor, Olive’s veterinarian, twenty students from the school, the principal, the dean of your university, some teachers, and some bystanders too. They clapped when I reached you, finally safe, finally home. I weaved my fingers through yours. Diana motioned for the music to stop and there we were in perfect silence.
The Year I Left Page 18