“Hi,” you said, beaming from ear to ear. “You are breathtaking. So beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
Diana and Ariel stood by our side, like proud parents, guardians, cohorts in a world where love’s sacrifices have set us free. After a minute of silence, Diana signaled for me to begin.
I cleared my throat and squeezed your hands tight. “Roman,” I began. I found that I wasn’t speaking loud enough and so I started again. “The poet Rumi has written: ‘If you will find me not within you, you will never find me. For I have been with you from the beginning of me.’ Roman, I am here to declare to this congregation, to this town, to the people in this village that today I pledge my love for you. I want you to know that my life only began when I met you, that I’d been waiting all my life for you and that finding you, loving you, has given me purpose, made me whole. I want you to know that no matter what happens, no matter what life throws at us, I was meant to be with you. You have my heart now and forever. I promise to love you all my life. I take you as my life’s partner, my lover, and my best friend. And will hold you as the most precious gift I have ever received for the rest of my days. And...” I paused to reach my hand to your face and gently wipe away your tears. “If you would one day, ask me again, to take another chance on you, I will not think twice. Because I would rather have a life of not knowing with you by my side, than a life of knowing without you.”
Your shoulders shook, your eyes were closed, tears continued to stream down your face. And yet, you held on to my hands, brought them to your chest and kept them there. “I wasn’t prepared for this,” you said.
The congregation laughed. “Surprise!” Ariel hushed and the three children giggled.
“But here goes,” you continued. “God, you take my breath away.” The crowd clapped. “Julia, I loved you from the first day that I met you. And to be blessed by your presence, your love, your goodness is something I never imagined I deserved. I promise to take care of you, to honor you and to make sure that you never ever regret falling in love with me. You are my heart, my soul, my reason for living. This is the only life I want. I love you more than words can say, and with the heavens and the earth and the sun and the sky as witnesses, I promise to love and cherish you more and more each day.”
Gabby pushed Chiqui, who pushed Toto out in front of us. “The rings!” they squeaked as Toto held up the little white pillow that held them.
It was more a pin cushion, actually, with two rings made out of tiny metallic beads, coiled together on thin pieces of metal. I noticed right away that they weren’t identical. There was a mixture of colors. Different shades mixed within every layer.
“I made them, Tito Roman,” Chiqui whispered, her chest puffed out in pride.
“They’re perfect, mi amor.”
Slowly, I slipped the band around your finger while you followed my lead and did the same.
“What happened,” you whispered. “What happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?” A line we both knew too well.
“She rescues him right back,” I answered, my voice strong and confident.
“Can I kiss her now?” you asked, while pulling me to your chest.
“Wait!” Ariel instructed before turning to the crowd. “This congregation has been witness to the declaration of love by these two people, Roman and Julia. In our eyes and by your words and actions and your giving of self to this community, we bestow upon you the grace of being husband and wife.” He turned back to you. “Now, you can kiss her.”
And you did.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
We are one
You and I sat in the midst of the merriment, finally taking the time to appreciate everything happening around us. The bridal table, set on a makeshift stage, was flanked on all sides by wooden tables with their feet anchored into the sand. The starlit sky and a string of bright lights provided the perfect evening glow. Electric fans powered by a heavy generator kept the humid air and mosquitoes away.
We celebrated with seventy people. Some we knew, most we didn’t, but it was a celebration all the same. We feasted on lobster, fish, and shrimp and hefty trays of their local paella. I didn’t want a wedding cake because it wasn’t a wedding, so we served little pastry dishes of coconut pies and lemon meringue. Olive, exhausted by the afternoon’s festivities, lay on the sand by your feet, fast asleep.
“I love you,” you whispered as you kissed my shoulder. “This is the best day of my life.”
“Good,” I teased. “Because it will be a long time before we do this again.”
“When can we leave?” you asked, slipping your finger into the tiny lace openings on the back of my dress. “Because I want to play peek-a-boo.”
I laughed just as Diana and Ariel approached us.
“The woman of the hour!” you exclaimed. “Diana! I don’t know how to thank you for this!”
“Thank this one,” she answered, laying both hands on my shoulders. “She really wanted this to be perfect for you.”
“Well, it was,” you said, taking my hand and bringing it to your lips. “Perfect day.”
“Guys, are you sure you don’t want to do the first dance? Our surprise band is getting ready to play!” Ariel said, breathless from excitement. “You’ll love them.”
I shook my head before you could respond.
You got my drift and smiled at me with your sparkling eyes. Because we lived our lives in secret, we learned to communicate without words. It was amazing to see how we’d morphed into our disguises in five short months. It was the life I’d always wanted to live.
“Actually, Ariel...” You motioned for him to come close until your mouth was next to his ear. “I’d love to sneak out of here and take my wife home.”
Ariel smiled. “Go on, man. You’re free to leave.”
The guests cheered and focused on the bridge where a band was getting ready to play. They looked like the Village People—a policeman, a fireman, a Native American, a biker, and a cowboy.
“Dude!” you exclaimed. “Are those the—”
“Village People!” Ariel answered. “They are so good! Not the real ones, of course.”
I giggled. “Of course.”
You stood, took Olive in your arms and turned to me. “Race you home?”
Running through the sand in a floor-length gown wasn’t exactly a good getaway plan. We breezed into our home, breathless and winded. Olive went straight for her bed right by the night lamp. We stood facing each other by the foot of our bed. When I reached back to unzip my dress, you stopped me.
“No. Not yet.”
I stepped forward and touched your face.
“I still want to have that first dance with you,” you said.
“Here?”
“On our dance floor.”
A moment later, I was in your arms, on the sand, under the moon, by the two tree stumps across from our front porch. The music in our hearts played loudly, the wind chimes calling out our celebration to those who couldn’t be with us.
Can you hear me, Charlie? I’m calling out to you. I want you to know that I miss you so much and that I wished you could have the chance to fall in love with him too.
“Hold your gaze,” I whispered.
“Or she may get lost,” you whispered back.
We swayed back and forth; you hummed in my ear while your hands roamed all over me. I welcomed your touch, the feel of you, the fact that you were there, wanting me.
“You miss him, I know.”
“I do,” I admitted. “I wish he was here.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. One day, I will make him understand how you saved me.” I kissed you with all the wantonness and abandon, opened myself up to you with my lips, my tongue, while you slowly unzipped my dress. With frenzied urgency, I ripped off your jacket and lifted your shirt over your head, breaking away only to allow you to slip your pants down your hips. I sank to my knees, placed you between my breasts and teased you until you
lifted my head up and guided me to you.
We were both naked now, our clothes in a rumpled heap on the ground. I smiled, a mischievous, impish grin before pulling you down on the sand and straddling you.
“Tell me what you want, baby,” you growled.
“You,” I moaned, placing my full weight on you.
You held me by my hips and guided me up and down, slowly at first and then increasing in intensity until I screamed out your name when I came. And then without warning, you separated yourself from me and flung me backward. Your eyes raged with intensity, brown to black, your lips pressed tight. “I want you to feel me inside you for days.”
Obediently, I turned around and offered myself to you.
You entered me from behind, gently first, until you filled me. And then you made yourself known to me over and over again, touching me all over and pulling on my shoulders so that I placed all my weight on you.
“Give it to me, baby,” I mumbled. “Give it all to me.”
“Carin!” you bellowed, shaking violently as you found your release. I reached back to touch your face as you settled your chin on my shoulder. We always stayed this way, you inside of me for as long as I could keep you. We lost ourselves in the whisper of the wind, the melody of the wind chimes, the rustling of the palm trees, the plopping sound of coconuts.
“I know you love me,” you muttered. “If you want me to, I think I can let you go.”
Chapter Forty
CNN
“Babe? What’s eating you?” I took your hand before leaning back on the marble chaise. We were on the terrace that overlooked the pristine blue water and the lush green mountains. Everything in the room was yellow and white. Yellow pillows, white couches, yellow and white patterned tiles. I turned to admire the oversized Ming Dynasty vases scattered around the deck. Blue and white contrasting decor.
Your face was clouded with worry, eyes crossed, lips in a straight line. You chose your words carefully.
“It’s just that ...” You paused, trying to shift gears. “How did you pull this off, anyway?”
“What, booking this honeymoon?”
You nodded.
“You mean how I did it?” I asked, needing clarification. It was a long story, and I didn’t want to bore you with the details.
“Everything.” You squeezed my hand. I could tell you were trying so hard to make light of the conversation. But still, you looked worried, your eyebrows coming together in a knot.
“I wanted to go somewhere really special. Get pampered for once. Spoil you. So I thought we could sneak off to a resort on the mainland. Just a quick trip.”
“It’s kind of out there, Car. We are in the best resort in the world. Better than the Ritz Carlton. How are we paying for this? We don’t have credit cards.”
“Diana. I paid her cash, and she went ahead and prepaid for everything.”
I watched you tap your fingers on the coffee table before straightening your back. Still seated, but neck tense, locked in place. “You withdrew from your account?”
“No! No, of course not! I know how that can be traced. I used the money we had left!”
This time, you inched toward the edge of your seat and stared out into the distance. It made me nervous, seeing you in such deep thought. You looked like you were having a debate with yourself—one eyebrow raised and then the other, followed by a heavy sigh. I moved to the ottoman so I could face you directly, placing your feet on my lap. I brushed my fingers lightly on your leg.
I felt you stiffen, but maybe I misread it. “Come back to me,” I whispered. “Please, there’s nothing to worry about. Look!” I picked up the booklet from the side table. “They have caviar! And Moscato. And they have boutiques downstairs with the brands we both love! Let’s just have fun. It’s two days. And then we can go back home.”
“I just think it’s a bit risky.”
“What?” I said lightheartedly, running my fingers up and down your leg. “This? Come on, baby. Two days. We deserve this. I promise you, I was discreet. Diana registered us in our new names. No one knows us here.”
“And you trust her to keep this in confidence?”
“If we can’t trust Ariel and Diana, we’re screwed. They’re the only other human beings we interact with. Olive, maybe, I don’t trust.” I forced a laugh, tried to elicit the same from you. Olive looked up from her pillow. “But Ariel and Diana?”
You inhaled deeply and tried to force a smile.
“Please,” I said. “We don’t even have to leave our suite. We have everything we need right here.” I leaned in and planted kisses on your face, your ears, your nose.
You closed your eyes and smiled. “Convince me some more.”
“Well,” I whispered, exposing myself to you, “there are strawberries on the tray in the room that would really go well with this.”
I would have loved to take credit for thwarting your initial freak out. But as soon as I turned on the television, I knew that you were back. Your eyes were glued to that screen as you flipped channels all day long. First sports, then news, then sports again. We stayed in all that afternoon, alternating between ESPN and CNN. The larger-than-life screen brought us back to what we left behind five months before, caught us up on what was happening around the world. We were like children seeing Disneyland for the first time.
“Anderson Cooper still looks great.”
“Wait. What happened in Vegas?”
“Justin Bieber is back with Selena Gomez?”
“Who’s Selena Gomez?”
“Are you kidding me? Matias? You don’t know who Selena Gomez is?”
You found a Cubs game streaming in through a sports channel, and I found CNN on the bathroom television. There you were, on the sitting couch, transfixed on Jake Arrieta pitching a no-hitter and whooping in between cheers. I saw the old you, the guy’s guy, the sports addict, come back to life. And I loved you all the more. I saw the light come back in your eyes for the first time in months, saw remnants of the man I’d first fallen in love with. Each day of living in seclusion had brought me closer to you, made me love a different side of you, the cautious, often serious, deliberative side. But that weekend, you were back to the way you had been—insisting on nothing but the best. We had Cristal for our champagne, caviar and truffles to feast on while we stayed in.
“Hey, look what I found!”
You unglued your eyes from the television to watch me hold up my hands. “What is it?”
“An iPAD,” I said, pressing down the power button.
You paused the game and turned to me. “No, Carin. Don’t.”
I ignored you—double clicked on the Google icon and started to type.
You turned off the television. “Stop, please. Don’t go any further.”
I shook my head and squinted at you with no intention of heeding your instructions. “Oh god, do you think if I ordered a book or two today, they can send it to this hotel? I’m dying to read something other than those old Fabio books. Meggy and Ralph have both passed on. Hold on—search. Oh, here it—”
You grabbed the tablet and threw it on the floor. The force of your pull scared me. I shrank back and moved to the opposite end of the couch.
“Get dressed,” you said, standing and heading toward the bathroom. “You want a fucking book? Let’s go buy you an actual fucking book.”
Chapter Forty-One
The Beginning
“Carin, please, wait up!”
We weaved our way through crowds, shuffling through the narrow aisles at a high-end mall. It was filled with lookie-loos. No one was buying anything, just walking aimlessly back and forth, in large droves of people. I was many steps in front of you, carrying a bag of books. You went against the traffic and pushed your way between two couples and a woman in a wheelchair.
“Baby, please, slow down. I’m sorry,” you said, grabbing my hand.
“It’s okay,” I mumbled.
“Can we stop, please?”
“Not really,”
I said. “I just want to get back to the hotel and go home tomorrow.”
You stopped in the middle of the stream, causing the unsuspecting mass of people to pile up behind us.
“Matias, come on.”
“No, please, let’s stop for a second.” You pulled me to the side. We leaned against a glass barrier in front of a jewelry store. “Listen, baby. I’m sorry I lost my head. I freaked out as soon as you started typing on the search bar. Those things can be traced, you know.”
“I know. But I was just so excited to catch up on everything we missed.”
“So you’re telling me that you weren’t going to eventually try to look Charlie up.”
You stumped me. It still hurt to hear his name. I wrote his name a lot, but hardly ever said it. Maybe I would have. No, I think I would have.
You knew not to wait for an answer. Instead, you cradled my face in your hands and kissed my nose. “I just need more time with you. A little bit more time.”
“Okay.” I nodded.
“The thought of losing you makes me crazy.”
“I’m sorry I upset you,” I said. “Let’s just go back now. I’ve got my books.”
“Are you kidding?” you said, smiling. “We’re at a real mall. We have so many things to check out.”
Once again, you cut crosswise through the crowd, annoying the people who stopped to let us through. There we stood, in front of a display case with Cartier watches and diamonds.
“Like this store.”
There are beaches and there are beaches. For the past five months, we had our own slice of paradise. We dipped our toes in sugar white sand every single day, heard the rush of crystalline blue water right outside our door. Spending time at a resort on the mainland was nothing compared to the home that we had. Their beach just wasn’t of interest to us.
The Year I Left Page 19