My Daddy Is a Hero

by Lena Derhally

  “You can imagine when guys start cheating or want to cheat, that’s what happens” Coder said.

  “Yes.”

  “So. Tell me about it,” Coder said.

  “I did not cheat on my wife. Now, Thrive helped me. I went from 245 pounds to about... “Chris trailed off.

  “You were 245?” Coder said in disbelief.

  “I was 245 pounds. And I’m 185...180 right now. And I’ve been eating cleaner. Thrive has helped me a lot, but to maintain it, eating cleaner has really helped me as well,” Chris told him.

  “Okay. And I’ve got to imagine that maybe there was a girl that inspired that?”

  “No.”

  “Okay. Why are you falling out of love?” Coder said, referencing conversations he knew Chris had had with other law enforcement officers.

  “Over the last five weeks, like being by myself and being able to be myself again, I couldn’t be myself around Shanann anymore.”

  “Why not?” Coder said, pressing further.

  “It was like I was walking on eggshells type of thing. It’s kind of like, you feel like you’re always doing something that’s wrong.”

  “The timing doesn’t make sense to me” Coder said, calling Chris out on his lies again.

  “Okay. But like, if you can’t be yourself around your wife, who can you be yourself around?” Chris asked.

  “Why couldn’t you be yourself around your wife?” Coder asked.

  “I just felt like I’d always have to change who I was. Because I was always about - I mean I was doing the laundry- I do everything that I could for her. Everything. And then I was just, you know, just being myself, just doing me. And I just thought to myself, like one of my buddies Mark. He lives out in San Diego. It’s like one big test that he learned. He was the worst at one point, and it was like, ‘So if you could picture your wife, and she was with someone else, would you get jealous?’ I was like, ‘At this point, I’d have to say no.’ And he was like, ‘Well, there’s your answer. Like, if you love her, it would be a different answer.’”

  “When did you start falling out of love?” Coder asked.

  “It wasn’t in the last five weeks. It’s been ongoing process for probably about a year,” Chris said.

  “Why?” Coder asked.

  “I just felt like everything that we had when we first started dating and met -like we met in 2010, everything, a new relationship spark, everything we had was great. Get married, everything’s still great. And then, you know, people just fall out of love. And that’s where I was. I felt over the last year, I thought that maybe this is just a phase. Maybe this is what happens if you’ve been with somebody so long. Maybe if the spark isn’t there, you just reignite it somehow, some way. But, you know, our conversations weren’t the same. Like when we were apart, everything was short, and nothing felt right anymore,” he explained. “The disconnection was there.”

  “But why?” Coder said, continuing to press.

  “It wasn’t there. I didn’t feel it. It was like I didn’t have that passion anymore.”

  “Why not?” Coder asked again.

  “Honestly, I really couldn’t tell you. It’s the passion. I didn’t feel it in my heart anymore. I really can’t give you a definitive answer other than that. It’s like my heart wasn’t in it.”

  “I gotta tell you, it sounds like a load of horseshit to me,” Coder said. When Chris didn’t reply Coder switched topics. “What about the girls?”

  “Bella and Celeste are the light of my life. I’d do anything for those girls. I’d step in front of a bullet, stand in front of a train for those girls.”

  Chris continued to use one phony cliché after another. Although his words sounded good, he didn’t sound as if he meant any of it.

  “It doesn’t add up to me,” Coder said, going back to the marriage. “Then why did the spark die?”

  “The relationship between me and Shanann has nothing to do with the love I have for these girls. I mean, you love the girls, they’re the light of my life. I would do anything for them. But me and Shanann talked about if we separated or if we stayed together, what’s best for the kids? Like, do we stay together for the kids? It might cause more issues for the kids later down the road, their psyche, their personality, or something. They know when they get older, they can see Mom and Dad don’t sleep in the same room anymore, like what’s going on? I mean, you can’t take the kids into the factor because the love you have for your kids is gonna be like, exponential. No matter what, that would never die. Because they’re your kids. That would never die. Between you and your wife, the love that you have for each other from the start to finish, like, from right when you started to where your relationship ends. When you’re in that type of relationship, you’re with somebody that long, something happens. It’s just a connection that isn’t there… like you know when you can look at someone and put your forehead to their forehead and you hold them, you know what each other’s thinking? That’s a connection. I didn’t have that connection anymore.”

  Chris sounded as if he was reciting an over-the-top romance novel. Does anyone put their foreheads together and know what the other is thinking? It was obvious Chris was being insincere.

  “Okay,” Coder said, trying another angle. “What do I do to help you walk out of this room and not look like the person who is responsible?”

  Chris pointed to a photograph of his daughters on the table in front of Coder and him. “You have to trust me that when I tell you that these two beautiful girls right here, I did nothing to them and to my beautiful wife. I did nothing to her. You have to trust me and believe me. I know you don’t know me. You’ve known me for two and a half, three hours. And I don’t know what your opinion is, but you have to realize that these two beautiful girls right here, and my wife… I had nothing to do with the disappearance. I had nothing to do with this act of evil, cruelty, or whatever has happened here. Because my love for these two girls and my wife… like I don’t want anything to happen to them. I’d never want anything to happen to them. No matter if me and my wife separate or not. Or divorce or anything. I never wish harm on anybody. On a human being in general. Like just seeing that picture.” He gestured to the picture of his daughters again. “I need them. I want them to run through that front door and just grab me. Or just bear - or just tackle me, knock me to the floor, bust my head, I don’t care. The amount of love I have for my family is exponential, and it’s never gonna die. I want them back. I have to have them back.”

  “Tell me about a normal day in your house,” Coder said.

  “Okay. So, I will get up about four o’clock, I’ll go down, work out for maybe about an hour or so. There’s a weight bench in the basement. So, get done with that, come back upstairs probably about five o’clock, I’ll eat some breakfast, make some eggs…cottage cheese, something like that. I’ll make the girls milk - I’ll make CeCe’s milk, I’ll bring it upstairs, Bella’s usually kinda iffy on milk in the morning, so I just... fill up the water bottles...from the refrigerator. Make sure that the backpacks have change of clothes, their hat, and if it’s like a swim - like a water day or something, make sure they have water shoes in there, make sure they have sunscreen. Make sure that all that is in their backpacks and make sure they have their little blankie. They have all that with them. I have that all laid out, and then I go to work. So, Shanann will let the kids dictate when Shanann wakes up. And usually, it’s Bella. She’ll come in there, lay in the bed with her. And then Celeste. She’ll wake up, and she’ll come in and lay in bed with her, and they’ll watch cartoons for a little while. And probably about 6:30, they’ll get out. Shanann’s getting ready, she’d probably take a shower, put her makeup on, all that kind of stuff. And then takes the kids over into their rooms, gets them dressed out of their pajamas, and Bella has a school uniform. CeCe didn’t have one yet. Get them dressed, go downstairs, have breakfast. CeCe will pr
obably have cereal, Bella, she likes cinnamon toast. She’ll then put them in the car and go to school. And then they’ll stay at school usually until about four o’clock, 4:30. I’ll usually be home by then. I can go pick them up. I go in there, sign them out, get in the car, drive back. They’ll be screaming the whole way because they want Mommy. And I get home, Shanann will have something for the girls, being whatever they want it to be. Might be pizza. Sometimes they want French fries, sometimes they want chicken nuggets, sometimes they’re bossy, just like...” Chris stopped himself before saying “Shanann,” realizing how that might sound to Coder. His secret disdain for his wife was slowly creeping in. That disdain was exactly what Coder was looking for.

  “Mm-hm” Coder said, urging him to continue.

  “Just whatever. Most time they have butter noodles. They love that. Wash their hands, sit ‘em at the table. And they’ll eat their dinner. And then usually go upstairs, take a shower, then get them all washed up, get them dried off, get some lotion, get their pajamas on, back downstairs, have a little nighttime snack. They’ll have Cheez-Its, a wafer, or something like that. And they’ll sit in their little couches, and they’ll watch a cartoon until about seven o’clock and then between 6:30 and seven, we’re giving them the medicine and any medicine they need at that point in time. If one of them has a fever... whatever else. And then brush their teeth, upstairs. CeCe gets an overnight diaper, Bella doesn’t, and then read ‘em a book. CeCe really wants the tiger book. I read that to her. We growl at the last part. Turn the rain machines on, give them both a kiss goodnight. CeCe wants me to put her to bed. Bella wants Shanann to put her to bed and close the door and night, night.”

  “Can we talk a little bit about the morning that they disappeared?” Coder asked.

  “Mm-hm.”

  “We already talked about four o’clock alarm. Correct me if I’m wrong. 4:15 the challenging talk starts. You leave somewhere around 5:30ish, and then what? What was your day like?”

  Coder had Chris walk him through the day again at Cervi 319. He circled back, attempting to get Chris to talk.

  “Okay. So, let’s have the hard conversation again. How old are they?” Coder said, looking for Chris to slip up someplace.

  “Four and three. Bella will be five in December.”

  “Okay. You can imagine that every day that goes by...”

  “It gets harder to find them,” Chris said, filling in the sentence.

  “Where we don’t find your girls, and they get harder to find, we’re gonna have less clues. Things that we need to get and need to use, and we need to do to find them, are gonna start getting blown away by weather, getting rerecorded over themselves that the surveillance part is gonna tell us. All of that is going to disappear. You can also imagine that every day that goes by, we’re gonna be looking for the man who did this. Okay? And you can imagine that we’re gonna include you as that man. So, let’s talk about that,” Coder said. “I think that you’re trying to put on a brave face because you’re a man and you’re a father and you’re a husband. I can tell that there’s just something you’re not telling me. And I’m not sure what it is, and I don’t know why that is. I don’t know why you’re not telling me that there’s something that’s making you a little bit uncomfortable tonight. I just don’t believe some of the things you’re telling me. I just don’t. Simply do not believe you.”

  “What makes you think?” Chris began. “What have I said that makes you not believe me at all?” Coder could see he was starting to get upset.

  “This just doesn’t make sense to me, doesn’t add up,” Coder said. “So, can we talk about two Chris’s?”

  “Two Chris’s?” Chris asked.

  “The tale of two Chris’s. You need to help me know which Chris I’m looking at today,” Coder told him. “And which Chris you really are. So, Chris number one is right here, right? And fell out of love with his wife, okay? Started wondering what it might be like if he didn’t have a wife to take care of, any girls to take care of. Spent some time alone, liked that time alone. Came home, may or may not have had a conversation about how to get out of this marriage or how to fix it, but probably how to get out of it. Is looking at a bachelor pad in Brighton and did something terrible. To his wife and kids. And that may have been an accident, and I think it was an accident.” He stared at Chris again, hoping he was getting closer to getting him to crack.

  “That’s not the Chris you’re looking at right now,” he insisted. “The Chris you’re looking at is the man who loves these kids and loves his wife and would never, ever, ever do anything to harm them. That’s the Chris you’re looking at right now. The Chris you’re looking at right now wants these kids and his wife back at his house. Right now. That’s the Chris you’re looking at.”

  “Why didn’t you call 911?”

  “I didn’t think anything was wrong,” Chris replied.

  “I think you knew what was wrong.”

  “I did not know what was wrong, sir,” Chris said. “I promise you that.”

  “What do you think it’s gonna look like when someone finds out that it was not you that called 911?” Coder asked.

  “Everybody’s gonna have their own perception about what’s going on here, but I know my wife. I know that sometimes she doesn’t text me back. I know that happens. It’s happened to me multiple times. Throughout many days. That she’s busy with work. That’s why it didn’t register for me that day.”

  “We’re back to this tale of two Chris’s,” Coder said. “There’s a Chris who cares.”

  “I care. I promise,” Chris interrupted him.

  “Tell me about the call to your daycare.” Coder abruptly shifted topics.

  “To Primrose? I called them to see if the girls were there. They said they weren’t there. I told them since they weren’t there, to put them back on the waiting list.”

  “That’s not what you told them,” Coder said.

  “I told them that we were gonna sell the house…put it on the market. We probably won’t be in the area anymore.”

  “That’s two different things,” Coder said.

  “Well, I want them to be back on. I put them on the waiting list as they weren’t there.”

  “Why weren’t they there?”

  “I don’t know,” Chris said.

  “Where were they gonna go?”

  “They went to ... Shanann took ‘em to a friend’s house.”

  “Why wouldn’t they go to daycare?” Coder asked.

  “I am not sure. I, honestly, sir, I am not sure.”

  “It’s hard for me as a father to talk to you like this,” Coder said. “Not because it’s a hard issue to talk about. It’s because I’m worried about your daughters under your care.”

  “You shouldn’t have to worry about them under my care. I watched them all weekend. I went to a pool party at Jeremy Lindstrom’s house. I love those kids. With all my heart. And nothing in this world would ever make me do anything to these kids. Or my wife.”

  “When you walk out of this room, there’s nothing I can say to a room full of police officers that’s going to convince them that you have nothing to do with this,” Coder told him.

  “I know.”

  “You know what they think. There’s a guy who didn’t call 911, who woke his wife up at a ridiculous hour because he was so guilty about something that he had to get it off his chest and say, ‘I don’t love you anymore, I’m leaving you.’ That didn’t go well. Okay, so what happened?”

  “She told me she wanted me to wake her up before I left. That’s why I didn’t just wake her up, just to tell her this. I woke her up, that’s what she wanted to do, and we talked,” Chris said. “Usually at 4:00 a.m., I wake up, I go down and work out. This day, I wanted to talk to her about this. I love these girls. I love these girls so much. And this picture right here, Celeste and Bella. Those are my life. I help
ed make those kids. There’s nothing in my life that means more to me than these kids. Nothing. Kids. That’s your life, that’s your lifeline. That’s everything that - you make kids, they come first over anything. Kids, spouse, family. That’s what it’s always been.”

  • • •

  Chris was trying hard to be persuasive, but he continued to fall flat with his disingenuous efforts to convince Coder of his innocence.

  “Nothing you’ve told me tonight makes sense,” Coder said. “Nothing you’ve told me tonight feels like the truth. Can we start over?”

  “Sure” Chris said.

  “I think that there’s something that happened. That got maybe a little bit out of control,” Chris said. “There was no fight. There was nothing physical. It was a conversation. We didn’t raise a voice. Nothing. I promise you that, sir. There is nothing physical with this conversation.”

  “What was the last thing you saw about your daughters?” Coder asked.

  “Last thing I saw, like when I left?”

  “What did it look like?”

  “Saw them on the monitor as it was switching back and forth,” Chris said.

  “What’s the last thing you saw with your wife?”

  “She was lying back in bed as I was walking out the door. Walking out the bedroom door.”

  “Okay. All right,” Coder said, switching directions again. “What was your plan after you guys separated?”

  “We’d just go our separate ways. I would probably get an apartment. She would try to sell the house first, of course…before we could do anything like that. And hopefully both get an apartment somewhat close. Maybe a 50-50 thing because I was going to go on the 8:00 to 6:00 schedule in September. And then I’d have six days off, and it would be perfect. I’d have kids for half, and she’d have half, and that would work.”

  “All right,” Coder said quietly. “Tonight’s been pretty intense I can imagine. How’re you feeling?”