My Daddy Is a Hero

by Lena Derhally

  Some of the criteria on the Communal Narcissism inventory list (on a scale of 1-7) are statements about how one may feel about themselves: “I am the most helpful person I know,” “I am the best friend someone can have,” “I am (going to be) the best parent on this planet,” “I am the most caring person in my social surrounding,” “I greatly enrich others’ lives,” “I am an amazing listener,” “I have a very positive influence on others,” “I am generally the most understanding person,” “I am extraordinarily trustworthy.” There are other statements on the inventory checklist that are more grandiose and relate to saving the world or being famous for good deeds, but all the traits are focused on aspects of themselves that make them feel special and unique. The higher the score, the more likely someone is a communal narcissist.

  In Peg Streep’s article in Psychology Today “The Communal Narcissist: Another Wolf Wearing a Sheep Outfit,”15 she sums up the communal narcissist perfectly when she says: “The reality is that he or she lacks the ability to empathize, is still a game-player, and carries all the other traits generally associated with narcissism. He or she is involved in community only as a validation of self.”

  Again, in “What’s the Single Greatest Danger of Covert Narcissism?”, Dr. Malkin describes the traits of narcissism and how there is a spectrum on how pathological the narcissist is:

  “The more addicted a narcissist is to feeling special, the more likely they are to become disordered, displaying the core of pathological narcissism, or Triple E, as I call it:

  Exploitation: Doing whatever it takes to feel special, regardless of the cost to those around them

  Entitlement: Acting as the world owes them and should bend to their will

  Empathy Impairments: Becoming so fixated on the need to feel special that other people’s feelings cease to matter. At this end of the spectrum, we find narcissistic personality disorder.

  And herein lies the answer to the question: Built into the definition of NPD is manipulation (exploitation). The more severe the disorder, the more likely the exploitative style is to become abusive. That means anyone with NPD can become abusive over time. And abuse is dangerous. Disordered narcissists (those with NPD) can be calculating about hiding their abusive side, whether they’re extroverted, introverted, or communal, because all disordered narcissists are, manipulative.”

  Toward the end of his wife’s and daughter’s lives, Chris not only seemed addicted to feeling special, but he also met the criteria for “Triple E.” Keep this in your mind when we revisit these traits later in this book.

  Finally, there is the “malignant narcissist.” Dr. Phil has repeatedly referred to Chris Watts as a malignant narcissist. Malignant narcissism is not in the DSM. Malignant narcissists are thought to be the extreme version of NPD, mixing narcissism and antisocial personality disorder, and often displaying paranoia. Pathological lying, violence, extreme lack of empathy and manipulation are other traits of a malignant narcissist.16

  Born with a “bad brain”

  Psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism and how they arise are not entirely understood. Is it nature, nurture, or a combination of both?

  Interesting studies done on the brains of psychopaths and narcissists have come up with some intriguing findings and similarities between the disorders. Likely, issues in the psychopathic brain are related to empathy and social emotional abilities, which would make sense, considering psychopaths and narcissists are not able to feel authentic empathy.

  One neuroimaging study found those with NPD to have problems with the right anterior insular cortex-region of the brain suspected to be associated with empathy.17

  Another 2013 study from the University of Germany examined the brain patterns of individuals with NPD. The group that met criteria for the condition demonstrated smaller gray matter volume within areas of the brain associated with emotional empathy that could suggest the brains of those with clinical NPD have empathy deficits in the brain.18

  As for psychopathy and brain studies, neuroscientist Dr. Kent Kiehl has been using fMRIs (functional MRIs) to detect brain abnormalities in people with psychopathy. He has found defects in the paralimbic system that he believes relate to psychopathy. The paralimbic system is a network of brain regions, stretching from the orbital frontal cortex to the posterior cingulate cortex, that are involved in processing emotion, inhibition and attentional control as the causes for psychopathy.19

  A few studies on genetic traits of narcissists include one where 304 pairs of twins from Beijing China participated in a study to explore the idea that narcissism is potentially heritable. The study found that narcissistic traits, intrapersonal grandiosity, and interpersonal entitlement are moderately heritable. The study also found that “Intrapersonal grandiosity and interpersonal entitlement have different genetic and environmental bases. About 92-93% of their genetic and environmental contributions can be explained by unique genetic and unique environmental factors, respectively.”20

  Nature, nurture, or both?

  There have also been longstanding debates about the nature versus nurture topic among scientists and psychologists. In reference to genes versus parenting, in an interview with Psychology Today,21 Robert Plomin, a behavioral geneticist, says, “What looks like the effects of the environment in which one grows up is often largely a reflection of genetic differences. For example, the best predictor of whether you’ll get divorced is whether your parents did, and people say, “Sure, if your parents were divorced, you had bad role models for married life.’ But research with adoptees shows that your parents’ divorce would predict yours even if you were adopted at birth and raised in a different family. The problem is that the environment is out there—you can see it and feel it—and you never see genetics. Parents can make a difference, obviously, to some extent. But if you’re having kids because you think they’re a block of clay to mold into what you want them to be, it’s really important to know that although you may be able to control their behavior, you’re not changing who they fundamentally are.”

  This particular quote makes a lot of sense when you look at siblings from the same family. It explains how children can be raised in the exact same environment and turn out totally different from each other. This is one of the reasons it is important not to jump to place blame on parents when their child does something awful.

  Genetics and the brain seem to have an obvious influence on criminal behavior and personality pathology, but environmental factors can certainly contribute, influence, and exacerbate issues that are already there.

  The origins of narcissism

  NPD has its roots in ancient Greek mythology. Although the story varies, the basic idea of it goes something like this. Narcissus was a very handsome, self-absorbed man who, one day, saw his reflection in the water and could not stop staring at it. He became so enamored with himself that he was unable to leave. Disappointed that the love for himself could not be reciprocated, he melted away and turned into a flower.

  The psychoanalytic theory posits that the core of narcissism is thought to be the exact opposite of its definition: narcissism is more about insecurity and low self-worth as opposed to high self-esteem and an abundance of self-love. Narcissism as a personality disorder is a defense mechanism developed at some point in childhood that is in place to help protect the child from feeling the pain of having a vague sense of self, low self-esteem and often feeling unaccepted, unloved, and unwanted.

  If a parenting style is neglectful, authoritarian, or abusive, a child can develop a grandiose sense of self to cope with those feelings of inferiority and abandonment. Every child has a deep need for validation, affirmation, and approval. They can get it from others, or they learn that they can give it to themselves if their caregivers didn’t provide it for them. Many believe that narcissistic defenses are a way for the child to keep themselves feeling unique and special as they go throughout life to cope with severe feelings of inad
equacy or neglect.

  Parents also model behaviors for their children. Often, parents are the only models a child has. If a child has never felt unconditionally loved, then usually they won’t know what unconditional love means or how it feels. If there is low empathy in the family of origin, a child can either mimic the low empathy or go in the complete opposite direction and over empathize because they understand the pain of having their needs and feelings neglected.

  Many times, narcissists aren’t even aware that they are deeply insecure and self-hating at their core. The mask they have constructed to protect themselves from these wounds is on so tightly that their deepest longings are locked in their subconscious, often impenetrable.

  Otto Kernberg, a psychoanalyst who is most known for his work on narcissistic pathology believed that, “NPD is rooted in the child’s defense against a cold and unempathetic parent, usually the mother. Emotionally hungry and angry at the depriving parent(s), the child withdraws into a part of the self that the parents value, whether looks, intellectual ability, or some other skill or talent. This part of the self becomes hyperinflated and grandiose. Any perceived weaknesses are ‘split off’ into a hidden part of the self. Splitting gives rise to a lifelong tendency to swing between extremes of grandiosity and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness.”22

  Heinz Kohut, another psychoanalyst who focused on narcissism, also believed that a narcissist is made when he/she is deprived of sufficient attention from the mother and then falls in love with him/herself in order to compensate for the lack of attention and love from the mother.

  The social learning theory of narcissism is one that makes more obvious sense, focusing on the over-indulgent parent. When parents over-value their children and act as if their child can do no wrong, the child develops an over-inflated sense of self-worth. The child may internalize the belief that they are “special” or that they deserve privileges over others. When children are taught to think they are the center of the universe and not to consider other people’s feelings and needs, they will grow into adults who act on those beliefs.

  In an interesting study about the origins of narcissism in children, researchers found that healthy self-esteem was predicted by parental warmth and not parental overvaluation.23 This means that a lack of parental warmth is more of a risk factor for a child to develop narcissistic traits than for a child who is overvalued by the caretakers. There is also a stark difference between parental warmth and parental overvaluation. Just because a parent is over-indulgent and over-complimentary of the child does not mean the child is receiving warmth or receiving the feeling that they are unconditionally loved. They may instead feel that love is conditional because, in some families, it often is. If the child steps out of the image the parent has constructed for them, they know they will not be accepted and therefore develop the belief that love has strings attached.

  Are psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism treatable?

  The concept of psychopathy, sociopathy, and narcissism and whether they are treatable disorders is a controversial topic. Some theorists believe these disorders are not curable but treatable, and others believe personality disorders are not treatable, depending on how extreme the pathology is.

  One of the reasons narcissism is so hard to treat is because narcissists almost never come to psychotherapy. Narcissists don’t think they have a problem, and they certainly think they know better than everyone else anyway. Usually, if a narcissist seeks therapy, it is either because they have hit rock bottom and have no other options, or they are going for couples’ therapy. In couples’ therapy, a narcissist believes they can convince the therapist to collude with them and tell their partner that the partner is the problem. A traditional narcissist blames his or her partner for all the problems and will agree to go to couples’ therapy if they believe the therapist will also see the partner as a problem. Narcissistic people have their defenses locked in place. They are almost impenetrable, and self-reflection or self-awareness is almost non-existent. You will never get accountability from them, and if you do, it’s usually self-serving and will benefit them in some way. As you may recall, Chris refused to go to counseling with Shanann, and he has not yet received any form of psychological evaluation or counseling in prison.

  In my work with couples, the classic narcissistic types have vocalized that they believe they are smarter or know more about my field than I do. They have also convinced themselves that they have won me over with their charm. The narcissist believes in their own charm and manipulation and think they can work their magic on everyone. They don’t believe that someone can see through their manipulation because they believe they are the smartest and most convincing person on the planet. This is their downfall because overconfidence is the easiest way they make mistakes. People with high levels of pathological narcissism have little self-awareness, and their relationships are laden with conflict because they don’t see how they contribute to problems.

  More rarely, I have seen a few covert narcissists in my practice, and these are the ones that shock me the most. The covert types are often very likeable and humble on the surface. They work hard in therapy and seem like they really want to improve their relationship. Later, I might come to find out that they were lying the entire time and engaging in manipulative and destructive behaviors, most often, infidelity, behind their partner’s back.

  Treating narcissism is possible, depending on the severity of the disorder, but doing so is not easy. Some ways to work with narcissists include trying to help change their ways of relating to others, helping them see their vulnerabilities as strengths rather than weaknesses, and attempting to teach them empathy. Some studies have shown that narcissists are capable of empathy but do not put in the effort to take another’s perspective.24

  Treating psychopathy, given the limitations for empathy in the psychopathic brain, often involves teaching the psychopathic person that there are pro-social ways to deal with their problems and get what they want out of life, instead of resorting to anti-social tactics.

  The narcissist in a romantic relationship

  When a narcissist pursues and enters a romantic relationship, a unique pattern and dynamic exist. Countless articles and books have been written about the emotional turmoil and abuse that narcissists inflict on those who love them.

  One of the most important things to know about what a narcissist looks for in any relationship is what is referred to as “narcissistic supply.” In her Psych Central article, “What is Narcissistic Supply?”25 Dr. Sharie Stines says, “Narcissists are all about protecting the self—at the expense of the other. Because of the narcissist’s inability to connect in a healthy way with another person, he uses a system of relating that is created in order for the narcissist to take care of himself. Instead of healthy connection, a narcissist seeks for ‘narcissistic supply.’”

  Dr. Stines states that some forms of narcissistic supply are as follows: attention, compliments/praise, sex, a feeling of power and control, accomplishments, an addictive substance or activity, and emotional energy (positive or negative). The narcissist is fueled by narcissistic supply and finds value in people only when they are giving them supply. The supply further reinforces the narcissist’s pathological need to be validated, admired, needed, wanted, and adored. Without narcissistic supply, the narcissist is nothing. You are useful to a narcissist only if you are providing them with the supply they need. When you think of narcissists, don’t think of them as people with real attachments. If they have people close to them in their lives, it’s because they are giving the narcissist the supply that he/she craves and thrives off.

  A narcissist (psychopaths and sociopaths as well) does not have depth of real emotion or empathy to truly relate to other human beings, but they are great mimics. They understand exactly what to say and do to win people over. They can also parrot empathy, which can make them seem like caring and kind individuals.

  In the initial pursu
it phase of a romantic relationship, a narcissist will find their “target.” This is usually someone who will provide them with the type of supply they are looking for, probably someone they perceive as having high amounts of empathy. This is because highly empathic people are usually more forgiving once a narcissist lets the mask slip. Narcissists also prey upon those they perceive as weak or in moments of weakness. The weakness in the person gives the narcissist the upper hand, and the narcissist can swoop in and act as the savior, gaining the supply they need to fuel them. As you may recall, Chris pursued Shanann when she was at a very low point in her life.

  The first phase of a narcissistic relationship is the “love bombing” phase. Love bombing is when someone makes overwhelming and extreme “romantic” gestures in order to win someone over. Love bombing can include things we may see in romantic movies. In fact, romantic comedies can be problematic because they reinforce the idea that the over-the-top gestures early on in a relationship are “normal” and play into the fantasy of what many people believe a romantic relationship should look like.

  The truth is, that love bombing is often a huge red flag. If someone you don’t know well seems certain about you being the one for them, that may be reason to give you pause. It takes a long time to get to know a person well, which is why we date before we commit. A narcissist will act as if you are “the one” right away and will tell you so. They may say things like: “You’re the one for me,” “What we have is unique and special,” “I can’t see my life without you,” and other similar statements. They can engage in stalker-like behavior, but because of romantic comedies and the deep need most of us have to feel loved, appreciated, and special, we may be drawn in by these gestures instead of skeptical.

  At first, a narcissist may wine and dine you at the fanciest restaurants, shower you with gifts, or show up unexpectedly at your home or place of work. Not everyone who makes romantic gestures in the beginning of a relationship is a narcissist, but sometimes, you will have a gut sense and feel creeped out by the attention. Other people may feel they have finally found someone who treats them right and conclude that this is the way they should be treated. Of course, you should feel adored and prioritized in a relationship, but also try to be discerning about what feels “normal” versus what could be a manipulative agenda.