Heartless

by Sophie Stern

  “Thanks,” I said. I tried to force a smile. “I had a good time, too.” That was the understatement of the year, and we both knew it. I hadn’t had a good time. I’d had the best time. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept with a guy who made me feel like a million dollars. I couldn’t possibly recall the last time someone had made my heart sing the way David did. It was a dangerous feeling because it meant he had the power to hurt me, and nobody should have power like that.

  My phone buzzed and I looked down at it. My ride was outside, which meant it was time to say goodbye. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want this to end. I wanted to stay here forever. It could be the two of us and Percy. Those were dangerous thoughts, I knew. I couldn’t start crushing on the guy I’d just slept with.

  “I’ve got to go,” I told David.

  “Call me,” he kissed me again and I hugged him for a moment too long. I tried to soak him all up in that moment. Then I turned and left. I went out the front door, climbed into the backseat of my ride, and was silent until I got to my brother’s house. It was empty when I arrived, which was for the best. Felix and Lauren were both at work. I had enough time to take a shower, change my clothes, and meet my realtor. I planned to go to a few showings before catching a flight back to Monterey that night.

  The problem was that I found I no longer wanted to go back.

  I just wanted to stay.

  I wanted to stay in Kansas and just be. Last night had been magical and incredible and he’d made me feel so many wonderful things. I was scared, if I was being honest, because it had been a very long time since I’d felt interested in a relationship with someone. I didn’t know if I’d ever been interested the way I was with David. There was a sort of raw familiarity there, something that made me feel like I was going crazy in the best possible way.

  I only had a few more weeks until my lease in Monterey was up. Just a few more weeks and then I’d be able to transfer right here to Kansas City. It was going to be nice to be near Felix and Lauren for the wedding planning, I thought. Would it be nice to be near David? I wanted to say yes.

  We’d had some incredible sex. Sure, it had been because I’d “lost” the bet the other night, but there had been more to it than all of that. There had been a connection. That’s what I had really felt. More than anything else, I’d felt at peace when I was with David. It was something I hadn’t really felt or experienced before.

  Probably, I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have felt happy and comfortable with myself the way that I did, but that was what had happened. He had taken my heart and he’d made me feel like I was worth a million dollars.

  Or more.

  Usually when I dated a guy, it was a countdown to when things were going to go south. With David, the only countdown was until tonight because I was flying home. We hadn’t entered any sort of agreement or relationship, so there was no getting tired of each other. There wasn’t going to be a moment when we became annoyed with one another. There definitely wasn’t going to be a period of pissing each other off.

  “I’m in trouble,” I muttered to myself. Somehow, I managed to shower and get dressed without losing my focus. I sent my brother and Lauren a group text to let them know I was meeting with the realtor, but that I’d have time to grab a quick bite with them before my evening flight. Felix texted back immediately to let me know it was a plan. He didn’t ask how things had gone with David, and for that, I was grateful. I wasn’t going to lie to my big brother, but I also didn’t feel like being completely honest yet, either. Sooner or later, I’d have to tell him, but I hoped that it would be later.

  The day went by strangely fast. Polly was a great realtor who had a solid understanding of the city. She knew exactly where I was going to be working, so she focused on showing me apartments around the area. We looked at three different places and finally narrowed it down. I found one that just felt incredible. It was a high-rise apartment building, and my unit was a 2-bedroom with a full kitchen, bathroom, and living room. Everything I could possibly dream of needing was either in the building itself or within walking distance, including a fitness center on-site. My office was just two blocks away, which meant I would have plenty of chances to walk to work if I wanted to. To be honest, I couldn’t put down a deposit fast enough. It was exactly the type of place I could envision myself living.

  Perhaps what was nicest was that I’d be alone. My roommates were fine. There was nothing wrong with them, and I had no real complaints except that at my home in Monterey, I never got to be alone. There was something to be said for having a bit of solitude, and I never really got that in Monterey. Here, I was going to be alone. I was going to have time to just be by myself and think, and yeah, I’d be able to get a pet if I wanted to.

  Polly, my realtor, was truly incredible. I thanked her and once I had finished signing all of the information for a background check, we were ready to go our separate ways. Polly chose to walk back to the office, so she waved before turning and heading off. I checked the time. It was nearly five. I was supposed to meet my brother and Lauren at six.

  The law office where Felix and David worked was close by, though. Maybe I should go visit. I could drop in and see Felix’s office. I could say hit to David, too, if I happened to see him. I didn’t like acting like a girl with a crush. I was a full-grown woman, after all, but something about David just made me a little bit crazy and excited.

  Before I could talk myself out of it, I started walking. I made my way toward the office, and when I reached the exterior, I stood and looked up at the building. The legal office where David and Felix worked was a full-service law firm. I understood what my brother and David did and the type of clients they helped. In many ways, I admired both of them. They were like guardian angels, I thought. Only, they were paid better.

  David and Felix worked both together and separately to make sure that their clients had the best representation possible regardless of what their personal backgrounds might be. The thing about an attorney was that your lawyer was going to represent you no matter what. It didn’t matter if you were guilty or if you’d made a bad choice. Your lawyer was going to help ensure that you had a fair judgment.

  It was cool. David and Felix were cool. In some ways, they were like superheroes. They spent their days saving the world and helping anyone who needed them. It was kind of incredible, really.

  I walked up to the front doors and entered the building. It was a tall building with multiple legal offices scattered throughout it. I checked a little guide near the elevators that told me where to go, and then I took the elevator up to the 10th floor where the firm’s suite was. David and Felix had worked here for ages, and this was my first time visiting the legal office in person.

  When I stepped off of the elevator, it was like stepping into another world. Everyone looked great. I was almost embarrassed about my outfit before I remembered that I had dressed business casual, as well. I’d wanted to make a good impression while looking for houses, so I’d chosen a button-down blouse with a dark blue skirt and matching heels. My hair was pulled in a loose, low bun, and my makeup was subtle, but lovely, if I did say so myself.

  I thought that when looking at potential houses or apartments, it was important to make a good impression. I didn’t want a potential landlord or property manager to see me and think that I looked like a scallywag or something like that. I wanted them to think, “Wow, she’s really got her shit together.” Hopefully, that was what the receptionist would think when she saw me, too. I took a step forward toward the big desk at the center of the room.

  “Welcome to Desmond and Associates,” the receptionist greeted me with a smile. She was very pretty, and she seemed very calm. I wondered if that was important. Did a receptionist need to be calming? Maybe, if she was used to wild clients who got all worked up. “Do you have an appointment today?”

  There were a few other people sitting in the waiting room. They were all in suits or business-wear, and most of them were staring at their phone
s. A couple of people glanced up to eavesdrop on the conversation, but for the most part, I was being ignored. I was fine with that.

  “I don’t have an appointment,” I said. “I’m actually Felix Lane’s sister. I just stopped by to surprise him. Do you know if he’s available?” I hoped that would be good enough. This wasn’t the type of business that required special clearance to visit. If Felix worked at a doctor’s office or a government building, maybe I wouldn’t have been able to stop by. Apparently, legal offices were fine as far as visitors were concerned.

  “Oh, you must be Zoey,” the woman grinned. “I’ve heard so much about you. He likes you so much. He’s always bragging about you.” Well, that was shocking. My brother? Bragging? I wasn’t sure whether I should be more shocked that the receptionist knew who I was or that my brother had talked me up to people at work.

  “Really?” I asked. I was a little surprised. Felix didn’t strike me as the “bragging” type. Not when it came to me, anyway. We’d gotten along well enough growing up. I would even describe our relationship as close. Bragging, though? I shook my head. I just could not wrap my head around that.

  “Oh yes,” she nodded. “He’s very excited about the fact that you came for a visit. Have you ever thought about moving back?” The woman cocked her head, curious. “I bet he’d just love that.”

  So, he hadn’t told anyone about my move. Interesting. I wasn’t sure whether the thought should be comforting or upsetting. My brother hadn’t told anyone I was coming to Kansas. Was it because he’d been busy? Because he didn’t think it was a big deal? Or maybe he didn’t think I’d actually go through with it.

  There was a little voice at the back of my mind that told me my brother thought I was lame. I’d thought that for awhile. Maybe it was just because I always compared myself to Felix. Logically, I knew that, no, it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. He was a successful lawyer, though. He was engaged. He was probably going to have a baby in a year or two and I...

  Well, I lived with three other girls and was a serial dater. I hadn’t settled down because I didn’t want to. I liked playing the field. I liked being with different people. There was something powerful about exploring that side of myself, and besides, I didn’t have anyone I wanted to settle down with. I hadn’t met a guy I wanted to tame me. There was nobody in my life I wanted to become monogamous for. Except, perhaps, maybe David.

  There was that thought again. I was smart enough to know that it was dangerous, and it was wrong. We’d had a fling. That was it. I needed to get that memo to my heart and maybe to my vagina, because the truth was that it had been less than 12 hours since we’d parted ways, and I was already craving him again. If I closed my eyes, I could practically feel his hand son my body.

  “I think that would be great,” I finally choked out the words. I tried to pay attention to the secretary. She had bright, frizzy red hair. She reminded me of Ms. Frizzle from the Magic School Bus except that she was sexier and had a tighter dress. “So, is my brother in?” I didn’t need to chit-chat with her about my future plans. I was tempted to, but I didn’t.

  “Oh, yes, sorry! I just got so excited to meet you,” she said. The woman gestured to the hallway behind her. “He’s just in his office. Third door on the right.”

  “Thank you,” I nodded. “I appreciate that.”

  “Anytime,” she said. “And if you do decide to take the leap and move back, I know your brother would be thrilled to have you.” The phone rang, so I was saved from having to answer. I was relieved. Not that she didn’t seem nice. She did. Still, I was relieved because I didn’t know what to say.

  I headed down the hallway. There was an open area where a bunch of assistants were sitting. I knew these weren’t the attorneys because they were too young, and they didn’t look stressed out enough. I wasn’t sure whether they were secretaries or paralegals or if there was even a difference. A few of them looked up when I walked by, but nobody said anything. Somehow, I felt like I was getting away with something even though I knew I was allowed to be here.

  There was this saying that you should just fake it until you make it. Everyone used to say that during my undergrad. If you didn’t know what to do, it didn’t matter. My friends in college always, always said, “Fake it ‘til you make it.” That advice worked a lot as an adult, too. If you didn’t know what to do, but you acted confidently, people wouldn’t question you. A lot of people used that as a way to sneak into places they weren’t supposed to be. I had never taken the mantra that far, but I tried to remember to act confident even when I didn’t feel like it.

  The first two doors I passed were open, but I tried not to peer in as I walked by. I didn’t want to be weird or awkward. The last thing I needed was for people to think Felix Lane’s little sister was a total dork. I’d spent enough time in high school living in my brother’s shadow. I didn’t need a repeat performance at his place of business.

  When I reached the third door, I paused for just a moment before I raised my hand and knocked. This was Felix’s office, all right. His name was on the door.

  “Come in,” he called out. I pushed the door open, and there he was. Felix grinned and got up, hurrying over to wrap me in a hug. “Hey, little sister. I wasn’t expecting you.”

  Relief washed over me. He wasn’t bothered or annoyed that I’d come to visit him. I knew I should have called first, but I’d gotten the idea of surprising him in my head. There was still a part of me that thought it might be nice to run into David again, too. I was going to leave in a few hours, after all. Maybe being able to say goodbye properly might be nice.

  “I know,” I said, hugging him back. He felt safe. It felt safe to be here with Felix. “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.” That, at least, was the truth. I’d been looking for apartments and I was really happy with the one I’d managed to find.

  “I’m glad you did,” he said. “I was just finishing up some work for the day. Give me twenty minutes and I’ll drive you home to pick up Lauren.” Felix gestured to one of the seats in front of his desk, letting me know that I could sit down if I wanted to.

  “Okay,” I agreed, but I didn’t sit down right away. He sat back down at his desk and I started wandering around his office. It was a pretty normal, run-of-the-mill sort of office. There was a picture of us when we were kids, which was kind of cute. He had some pictures of Lauren. I spotted a few more pictures of me. The two of us had had some incredible adventures together, and he had a lot of those on display for the entire world to see.

  There were a couple of comfortable-looking chairs in front of the bid desk Felix was seated at. I supposed those were for clients who came in to talk with him. They obviously wouldn’t want to stand the entire time, especially if it was a long meeting. Having a comfortable seat probably made it easier to open up and talk, too.

  In addition to the family photos and the client chairs, Felix also had a couple of bookshelves full of everything from law textbooks to novels. I picked up one and flipped it over. I recognized the title, but I hadn’t read it. There were a few other random books, too.

  “I represented an author once,” he said, by way of explanation.

  “Really?”

  “A few times, actually. She always brings me a copy of her latest book before I help her out.”

  “Does that make representing her a bit more fun?”

  “Weirdly, it does,” he laughed. “I like clients who are a little bit quirky. They’re fun.”

  I didn’t ask what the writer had done. Maybe it had been book research gone wrong. Felix wasn’t supposed to talk about his cases, anyway, so I tried to avoid asking him questions about what it was that he did. I didn’t want him to be in a position where he had to lie or tell me to fuck off. Satisfied by his story, I finished peering at the novels, and I resumed my stroll across the office.

  It was quite an eclectic sort of office, but it worked. Felix was organized and put-together. He was allowed to have a comfortable office, which
was unexpected, but pretty cool. It looked like a mix between something you’d find at home and something you’d find in an actual place of business. While David and Felix both worked in criminal law, my brother’s clients were usually younger people. He worked with a lot of teenagers and he often represented people who had committed what most people would consider to be pretty mundane crimes.

  That was probably where the personal touches came in, too. I hadn’t missed the Spiderman comics tucked between his legal texts or the bobble head Avengers character resting on one shelf. I bet having that sort of thing around made Felix’s clients feel more comfortable and at ease. It probably made them less scared.

  I couldn’t imagine having to see an attorney as a teenager. I had never been particularly brave but going to a lawyer’s office required a level of courage I couldn’t even imagine. The kids that Felix got in his office were probably terrified. If having pictures of us as children helped them to calm down, or if staring at a Black Widow bobblehead helped someone relax, then my brother was a genius. He was kind, too. Most people wouldn’t go to that kind of trouble for others.

  While he typed, I busied myself with nosing around. He didn’t seem to care or notice that I was touching his stuff, which was kind of nice. I rarely got a chance to be a total weirdo. Back in Monterey, I always kept my hands to myself at home. I never dared to touch anything that belonged to my roommates, so getting free reign at Felix’s office felt pretty cool.

  I heard a familiar voice out in the hallway, all of a sudden, and I wandered to the doorway. Then I peered out into the hall. David was out there with someone. It was a woman. I was going to raise my hand to wave hello to him in a totally not-weird and not-stalker sort of way, but something told me to wait. I got a weird, twisty feeling in my gut, and I kept my hands planted firmly at my sides.

  “I’m so glad you were here for me today,” the woman said. She was facing towards me, and David was facing away. Still, after spending a night under those broad shoulders, there was no way for me to miss him. I knew exactly what he looked like under his clothes. I knew precisely what he felt like.