Badger to the Bone

by Laurenston, Shelly

  “You know,” she ranted, “it’s like he goes out of his way to fuck with our lives. Like it’s his goal to make me crazy. Why does he want to make me crazy, Max? Because he’s making me crazy!”

  Abruptly, she spun around and stalked back to her kitchen.

  The Muppet went back to their conversation as if her sister hadn’t interrupted. “However, our father is being hunted by most of our family. Chances are very high he may be caught soon and quickly killed.”

  “What about our sister? That just puts her in more danger.”

  “If one of our family catches up with Freddy, you won’t have to worry. They’re not going to kill a pup.”

  “Cub.”

  “Whatever. They’ll probably just leave her there. With the body.”

  “What the hell does—”

  “And you know what else?” Charlie MacKilligan demanded as she stalked back into the room with a muffin pan, each cup filled with batter. He’d never seen anyone make batter that fast before. His mother baked muffins but she took way longer.

  “I should have killed him when I had the chance,” she continued. “When I was, like, nine, I had the chance to take him out. Thought about it, too. But my mother took the knife out of my hand and told me I shouldn’t kill my own father. She said it was wrong. Morally. But you know what? I think she was wrong. I think I absolutely should have killed my own father. I should have! I really should have!”

  And off again she went, back to her kitchen.

  “I’ll put the word out with the family, though,” the Muppet said, still not freaked out by any of that muffin-baking rage. “Let them know about your sister and that she is to be brought in alive and unsoiled.”

  “Wait . . . what?”

  “Don’t panic. My male cousins aren’t that bad and my female cousins wouldn’t let them get away with it, anyway.”

  Charlie MacKilligan returned again. This time she had a tray of freshly baked muffins.

  “Blueberry?” she asked.

  Completely freaked out, Keane stepped away from her. “How did you make those so fast?”

  She shrugged. “These just came out of the oven. I’ve been baking all morning.” She jerked her thumb toward the windows. “I’ve got bears to feed.”

  “Oh, shit!” Shay barked as Finn hissed in warning at the bears standing outside the windows gazing in.

  “And just so you know,” Charlie MacKilligan said, her voice now calm again, rational, “if you’d hurt me or my sisters, those bears would have torn all of you apart. Just FYI, if you decide to come back here without an invitation. But you know what?” She handed Keane a giant blueberry muffin. “You and I understand each other perfectly. You hate Freddy MacKilligan. I hate Freddy MacKilligan. You won’t let him harm your sister. I won’t let him harm my sisters. My God, it’s like we’re twins.”

  She motioned to the muffin. “Go ahead. Try it.”

  Keane glanced at the Muppet, but all she did was shrug noncommittally.

  He went ahead and bit into the top. After a few seconds of chewing, Keane couldn’t help but grunt a little in appreciation.

  “I know, right?” MacKilligan agreed as if he’d set off fireworks and written a five-star review. “They are great! I don’t have a lot of skills, but the few I do, I’ve made sure to master.”

  * * *

  Max walked the Malones out to their car. She wanted to see them get into their vehicle and drive away.

  “Next time, boys, if you want to come by, you should call or something. We’re not a family you want to sneak up on.”

  “Our sister—”

  “If we hear anything, we’ll let you know. I promise.”

  The cat nodded and opened the passenger door. He was about to get in when Max asked, “Quick question: so you’re not related to Cella Malone? Because I know her already and she could probably help with this.”

  “We don’t deal with that side of the family,” one of the brothers said. And the bitterness in his voice . . . damn.

  “Got it.”

  Without another word said, the brothers got into their giant SUV and drove away.

  Once they were gone, Max dropped her head back and let the sun warm her face for a bit. It felt like things were spiraling out of control but she refused to panic.

  “Hey,” she said, when she sensed Zé standing behind her.

  “Hey. I need to go out.”

  “Just grab a set of car keys from the table by the door and go for it.”

  “Want to come with me?”

  Max faced him. “Where you going?”

  “The city to meet with Kamatsu. I’ve got to come up with something to tell her, thought you could keep me from putting my foot in my mouth about all this. Unless you need to stay here.”

  “So I can listen to my big sister rant for the next four hours about how shitty our father is because he’s now kidnapping underage deaf girls? Which, by the way, I don’t want to discuss again.”

  “Where’s that big bear of hers? Can’t he listen to her complain?”

  “He’s on a job with his triplets. But he’ll be back later. Can you wait for me to shower?”

  “Sure. I need a shower, too.”

  He reached out and Max’s first instinct was to rear back because when people usually reached out for her, it was to punch her in the face. But she stopped herself in time and Zé placed his hand against her cheek. Big fingers slid along her jaw. His touch was gentle but she knew from last night that it didn’t have to be.

  “Sorry you had such a shitty start to your day,” he murmured, still stroking her face.

  “Sorry you had to experience the Freddy Effect. People come into our orbit and they are tragically swept into the gravitational pull of his idiocy.”

  “Don’t sweat it. We’ve all got family members that make us want to go back in time to destroy that particular bloodline.”

  Max laughed and stepped around Zé, but she stopped and added, “By the way . . . smaller cats don’t usually fuck with bigger ones. It’s a tiny matter of survival.”

  “You fucked with ’em.”

  “Of course I did. I’m not a cat. I’m a fuckin’ honey badger and by this claw”—she held her hand up—“I fuckin’ rule.”

  chapter NINETEEN

  Zé walked into Starbucks and saw Kamatsu sitting at a table, no doubt nursing one of her herbal teas.

  “You want anything?” Max asked, motioning to the counter.

  “Regular coffee,” he said.

  “Okay.” She caught his arm before he could move off. “And don’t forget that whatever lie you tell is for the safety of others.”

  “Right. I can do this.”

  “You can do this.”

  By the time he was heading directly to her table, Kamatsu had already spotted him. Neither of them liked to sit with their backs to the door. Wisely, she’d grabbed a round table that allowed them to sit on either side and monitor the activity around them.

  Kamatsu grinned when she saw him, standing up and giving him a hug. “I’m so glad to see you.”

  “I’m glad to see you, too.”

  They sat down opposite each other and Kamatsu’s smile instantly faded.

  “What the fuck’s going on?” she practically snarled at him, keeping her voice low so she couldn’t be heard by others over the piped-in music. “I thought you were dead. Where have you been all this time? What happened to your phone? And who was that guy who came to David’s office and took the report?”

  “Well—”

  “Whoever he was,” she continued, “he or somebody hacked into my computer and online storage and took all copies of the report. I have no backups. I have nothing. Did you tell them to do that?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then what is happening? You better tell me right now.”

  “Hi!” Max said, bouncing over to the table with two venti coffee cups and a large plate of honey buns.

  “Can we help you?” Kamatsu asked.

&n
bsp; Max’s smile never wavered. “Nope!”

  She put a coffee in front of Zé, pulled a chair over, and sat close to him. She pushed the plate sort of in the middle of the table and offered, “Honey bun?”

  Confused and pissed, Kamatsu sat back in her chair. “No.”

  “Zé?” He shook his head. “Cool. All for me.”

  She dragged the plate close again and dove into those things as if she hadn’t had two of her sister’s giant blueberry muffins in the car. “So what are we talking about?” she asked around a mouthful of bun.

  * * *

  Ruth Barton walked down the street with her friends. She-bears she’d known for years, since she’d moved into the neighborhood with her husband and four cubs. Of course that was twenty years ago and times had changed. Nothing she couldn’t handle, though. Her kind were survivors, after all.

  Thinking about changing times, she stopped in front of what everyone in their little neighborhood now called “The Honey Badger House.” She wasn’t a fan of badgers. Mostly because they ate her honey. She and her husband had hives and since these badgers had moved in, those hives had been raided more than once. It was annoying.

  But any time she complained, her husband insisted, “But have you tried that oldest one’s honey buns?”

  She had and he was right. So, for now, she kept her mouth shut. But still . . . stay out of her hives!

  After letting out a grunt that had her friends chuckling, she unlocked the gate in the picket fence and stepped into the front yard. The oldest badger was sitting on the porch steps, so Ruth didn’t have to knock on the door or go into the house. She could simply drop off the tray that her husband had taken when he’d brought home a dozen honey velvet cupcakes from the party the night before. It had turned into his breakfast.

  “I wanted to return this to you,” she said.

  “Thanks, Mrs. Barton,” the badger said, taking the tray and setting it down next to her. Then nothing.

  Which was strange, because usually when Ruth dropped off trays from her hubby, Charlie had something to complain about. Not to Ruth or even about Ruth, but just complaining about everything in her life. Something about her allergies. Something about her father being a worthless piece of crap. Or just about the weather. One time she simply blurted out, “The sky looks weird, right?”

  But now, sitting on her front porch, she wasn’t saying anything. Just sitting.

  Ruth began to walk away, but it just didn’t feel right.

  So, grudgingly, she asked, “Is something wrong?”

  “I’m fine.” But Ruth had raised four cubs into four strong sub-adults and she knew when those sub-adults were upset. That’s what she saw right now.

  “Are you sure? Because it seems like something is definitely wrong. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No, I’m . . . I’m . . .” Charlie took in a ragged breath. “I’m not fine!” she exploded before bursting into hysterical, savage tears.

  * * *

  Kamatsu crossed her arms over her chest, crossed one leg over the other, pursed her lips, and stared at Zé. He knew that look. It was not a good look.

  He took a moment to recall the lie that he’d worked out with Max during the drive over here. He didn’t want to get any of it wrong or leave any holes. If he left holes, Kamatsu would tear the entire thing down.

  But his pause must have been too long because Kamatsu moved her gaze to Max and said, “He was telling me where he’s been all this time. And what’s been going on.”

  Zé cleared his throat. “You see—”

  “It’s all my fault,” Max said, surprising Zé. Fault? They hadn’t said anything about fault.

  “It is?” Kamatsu asked.

  “It is?” Zé asked.

  “Yeah.” She dropped the bit of bun she had left, wiped her hands on a paper napkin, and began, “You see, this guy was trying to kidnap me because of my mother. Long story, won’t go into it. Anyway, when they took the hood off my head and I looked around, I saw Zé. And I said to myself, hold up. This guy shouldn’t be here. He’s not one of them. My mistake was, I was entirely too friendly and they believed that Zé was trying to help me, which, okay, he was, but they weren’t supposed to know. Unfortunately, at that point, they did. And all hell broke loose. It was a total clusterfuck of my own making, which is why my big sister does not like it when I do these sorts of things on my own. But I knew if I told her about it beforehand, she would just flip out because, honestly, this is all because of my dad when you get right down to it. And now that we know he’s kidnapped that seventeen-year-old deaf girl . . .” She shook her head. “I gotta tell ya, though—and I know my sister wouldn’t want to hear this so I didn’t say it at the time—I don’t think he’s having sex with this girl. He’s definitely using her for something but I don’t think it’s sex . . . Oh, my God!” She slapped her hands against the table. “The hacker! She’s probably the hacker!” She pressed her fist to her forehead. “That’s how he got that hundred million. It was her. Of course. Now it makes sense. We all knew he was too stupid to do it himself so it must have been this girl. And, really, the best thing I can say about my dad is that the one thing he’s not going to go to prison for is being a disgusting weirdo. Sadly, not because he has a moral high ground, but because he doesn’t want to get his ass kicked in general pop.”

  Max rested her arm on the back of the chair and nodded. “Yeah. I’m right about this. Can’t tell my big sister, though. Not yet. She hates him so much, she won’t want to hear it. She’ll just think I’m making excuses for him. But I don’t make excuses for my dad. That’s my baby sister. She makes excuses for him. Oh!” She sat up straight again and Zé noticed that her hands were moving with each sentence. Almost every other word, which was fucking incredible because she was talking so fast. The whole thing was intense. “But I was soooo proud of her today. Since she’s been on this new medication, she has been rational and calm and not one tear shed! And I was so proud when we were talking to our Aunt Bernice and she was doing that thing she does where she tries to push the blame for our father onto us when she could have killed him, very easily, when she was growing up with him. A pillow over that pinhead and none of us would be having this conversation. Anyway, she did that thing and my baby sis totally took her down. She stood up for herself. She didn’t back down. And when she did get angry, she didn’t shed one tear or shift into a two-ton striped honey badger that could destroy the neighborhood. It was awesome!” She pointed a finger at Zé. “But don’t tell her I said that.”

  She fell blessedly silent but that didn’t last. “What were we talking about? Oh, yeah! So, anyway, I realized that Zé didn’t know what he was. And although I could have left him there and let your team rescue him, I felt it was my duty to tell him what he is. I mean, he did try to help me so now I had to help him. Of course, there was a delay because he got really hurt during the firefight. Well . . . it was more knife-fight-slash-animal-mauling than it was a firefight, but anyway, he was really hurt but I knew he’d be fine in a couple of days. Even with that traumatic brain injury, I knew he’d be right as rain in no more than three days. And then once he was back on his feet, I would be able to tell him, ‘Dude, you’re a big black cat!’ But, of course, he didn’t believe me. So I had to prove it to him and that took some time and then he had that setback and tried to eat that bear cub and the bears all wanted him dead. But my sister fixed that by making honey buns for them for the next week or so and that usually works great. At least with the grizzlies and black bears. The polar bears, it helps if she uses more whale blubber, but she hates working with whale blubber. She does, however, enjoy working with bamboo for the pandas.”

  Max looked back and forth between Zé and Kamatsu and finally ended with, “And here we are. Anything else you need to know?”

  Kamatsu pushed her chair back and stood. “Can I talk to you outside, please?” she asked Zé.

  “Yeah. Sure.”

  She stalked out of the Starbucks and Zé gawke
d at Max.

  “What?” Max asked with a shrug.

  He didn’t even answer her. Just went outside, wondering who in Starbucks would be the first to call the cops.

  * * *

  Once Zé and his team leader were gone, Max looked at the people staring at her, including the baristas behind the counter. As they stared, she spread her arms wide and, as one, the entire room burst into a standing ovation.

  “Thank you. Thank you,” she said to her fellow shifters, the only customers in the establishment. “I love you all!”

  * * *

  “I don’t know what the fuck that was,” Kamatsu laid into him as soon as he reached her. “And I don’t care. But if you wanted to leave the job, all you had to do was tell me.”

  “I never said I—”

  She stalked off and Zé had to jog a little to catch up to her.

  “I don’t know what that embarrassing performance was about, but if she is a tenth of the crazy she seems to be, then the last thing you should be doing is fucking her!”

  “I’m not—”

  “I don’t care! She’s mentally ill! Get her help!” She stopped. “What is she? The boss’s daughter or something? Did he ask you to protect her? Because what she needs is a mental hospital, not a bodyguard.”

  “You don’t understand, she’s—”

  Kamatsu threw up her hands. “I can’t listen to this anymore. I can’t!” She turned and stalked off again. “Just . . . I can’t. I’ll call you some other time. Just let me know if you want in on any jobs, but . . . if not . . . I just can’t . . .”

  Then she was gone.

  Zé turned to head back but Max was already standing behind him.

  “See?” she said. “They can’t accept the truth.”

  “What the fuck was that?”

  “What was what?”

  Zé took a moment to get control. Because he wanted to yell. He wanted to yell so badly. But the thing he was starting to learn about Max was that although it might look as if she was doing random shit, she never really was. Even if the plan was made up between one breath and the next, she still always had a plan.