by Brown, Tara
“Oh my God. From two hundred to twenty-two?” Liz’s eyes are wide.
“How do you even choose?” I cringe at the thought.
“I don’t know. And it went from the yacht club to the heart-shaped pond on the Bedford Highway. It’s a sin. No dinner. No reception. It’s being live streamed by someone who has sent the family links so they can log in and watch from home.” Shawnee shakes her head. “Tens of thousands of dollars spent and this is what you’re left with.”
“That is a sin,” I confirm. “Covid brides. Covid funerals. Covid births. 2020 can piss off anytime.”
“Yup.” She stands as I do and leans into sleeping Lillian who has passed out in my arms. “God, she smells like heaven.”
“She is heaven.” Liz lowers her voice, “We might not be getting much sleep right now with feeding and diaper changes, but she is the best baby I’ve had.”
I kiss her once more and hand her over carefully. “Thanks for the snuggle.”
“Thanks for quarantining so you can see me.” Liz’s eyes are shiny and threatening waterworks. She’s still emotional.
“I love you.” I kiss her cheek and then Lillian’s. Shawnee does the same and we walk out before Liz starts to cry.
I hug Shawnee at the car. “See you soon?”
“Yeah, I would like to do dinner with you and Sam and me and Anthony if that’s not too much to ask.” She raises an eyebrow. “You can’t hide from love by holing up in your apartment.”
“Yes, I can.” I kiss her cheek and walk to the car I have yet to name. “Love you and I’ll think about dinner.” I wave and climb in. It still smells new in here but I miss Helen.
The drive back to my apartment is relaxing. It’s a slow summer Sunday with people enjoying the outdoors more than we ever have.
When I get to my apartment, Romeo greets me with his usual run to the door and wraps himself around my legs as he rubs against me.
I lift him up and smell him the same way I did my niece. He smells like home.
I’m back to work in the office tomorrow.
Back to seeing Rod every now and then.
Back to people asking me how I am.
My head starts to hurt so I carry Romeo to bed and curl up in the sheets and the dark room.
My phone rings. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s James. I wanted to say something at the house, but I didn’t want to do it in front of anyone.”
“All right.” I try not to sound nervous. I hope it isn’t about Liz.
But it isn’t.
Chapter 33
August 30
Dinner at my sister’s on their massive deck is lovely. It’s as if the whole world is normal again.
Shawnee is late because she’s finishing shooting a wedding. Anthony has arrived without her but is bonding with James in a way Rod never did. Liz is running around like a chicken with her head cut off, cooking and yelling at kids, and getting everyone drinks.
And I am doing exactly what I have been doing for two months straight, sitting with baby Lillian sleeping like a log curled up in my arms. I’ve socially distanced carefully so we can spend as much time as possible together. Which of course has meant the only people I’ve seen are here.
“Hey!” Shawnee shouts as she arrives from the side yard. “Sorry I’m late. The bride wanted extra photos taken on the water.” She removes her mask and washes her hands and rushes over to give Anthony a kiss.
He looks at her with that sparkly eyed stare Liz and James always have.
She pats James on the arm before sitting across from me and taking in the baby. “She is so big.” Shawnee doesn’t risk holding her after being with people all day. She’ll have to wait two weeks now to get close to the baby.
“There she is.” Liz comes rushing out of the house and grins at Shawnee. “Margarita?”
“Maybe one.” Shawnee winks.
“Refill?” Liz asks me.
“One is my limit.” I shake my head. “I’d love a sparkling water though, please.”
“Coming right up.” She winks and hurries back inside. This is her happy place. She is the hostess with the mostess. She loves having people over and is an extrovert. This quarantine has been hard on her. Adding the usual postpartum sadness that most moms experience hasn’t been helpful.
“How’s Sam?” Shawnee teases.
“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. “I saw him in the hallway in July.” I squint and think. “Yes, end of July.”
“You seriously haven’t tried to hang again?”
“I think that wine on the deck was sort of it,” I admit the truth.
“Well, that’s a bummer. I was hoping you might rekindle what you had in college.” She waggles her dark eyebrows.
“What are you talking about?” Liz asks as she joins us with drinks.
“Lil and Sam,” Shawnee says and takes her drink.
“You haven’t spoken to him again?” Liz doesn’t push it as hard. She knows my terrible secret.
“No,” I say.
“Well, with you going back to the office tomorrow I’m sure you’ll open up your social circles a bit.” Liz grins.
“I’m good.” I laugh but there is no humor in the statement. The truth is sad and silly. I love my life. I love being alone with Romeo and working on myself. Not that I want to admit it to them, but I’ve been taking online courses all summer for recovering from being with a narcissist.
“You sure?” Liz wrinkles her nose. “You don’t miss companionship?”
“I have companionship. He rarely complains. He doesn’t text other women. He has no expectations of me apart from snuggles, food, water, and the kitty litter being cleaned out. He’s perfect.”
“I feel that,” Shawnee agrees with me. “I was single for four years before—this.” She waves in Anthony’s general direction, but he is engrossed in his conversation with James by the barbecue. “And I genuinely liked it. My own time. My own schedule. I came and went and traveled as I liked. I took jobs around the world. And slept where and when I wanted.” She lowers her voice and leans in, “If I needed sex, I got it and was genuinely uninterested in a relationship. It was nice being single.”
“Yeah, Simone from work is the same,” I point out. “She is digging her quiet life. She went and got a dog from the SPCA, Ricky. He’s a black lab. And they’re living their best life. She was seeing someone from Bridgewater, some random girl. But Covid.”
“Well, not to be a downer on the singletons but eventually you might miss having someone around.” Liz shrugs. “What about a dating site?”
“Hard pass.” I shudder at the thought. “I did my online dating when it first started. What a mess that was.”
“That’s right. I forgot about that.” Shawnee giggles. “Well, maybe when you decide to let love in again, Sam will still be single.” Shawnee winks at me and sips her drink.
Fortunately, I’m saved from the conversation as dinner is ready.
We eat and laugh and enjoy each other’s company, something we do outside now. And regardless of what they think, my being the only single person doesn’t bother me.
Not even when James pulls me aside to talk. He has a serious look in his eyes when he says, “Have you talked to Rod?”
“God no, why?”
“I didn’t want to say this in front of anyone.”
“All right,” I try not to sound nervous but my stomach immediately tenses.
“Rod contacted me yesterday. He wants to sell the house.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what else to say to that. It comes out of nowhere.
“If you don’t want to sell, there’s the option of buying him out. You have a lot of equity in the house—”
“No,” I answer quickly and force a smile. “That house would be way too big for me, and I don’t want to commute.” Neither of those are the reason I don’t want to buy him out. As far as I’m concerned, it’s haunted.
“Yeah, way too much house. I have the papers. They’re i
n my office. You wanna sign them now?”
“Totally.” I force a smile so I sound friendly. “That works great.”
“Okay.” He smiles too and walks inside. I follow him, my heart racing and my hands balls of sweat. “Is that the last asset you have together?” he asks, glancing back at me.
“No. We have some RRSPs and other investments. In the separation agreement it states neither of us will touch them until the divorce. Some of the investments had bottomed out a little, and he wanted to wait for the rates to come back up.”
“Okay.” He opens the door to his office and offers me the chair at his desk. “Have a seat.”
I sit, noticing how uneasy my fingers are when I grip the pen he has resting on the small stack of papers on the desk.
“Sign where all the sticky tabs are.” He nods once and leaves.
It was never my choice for a house, but it was my home for seven years. We were so excited when we got it.
The memory of moving in flashes through my mind. Rod carried me over the threshold, as if we hadn’t already been married for three years. We drank champagne from the bottle and ate pizza on the floor because nothing had been delivered yet. He acted like this was the best thing to ever happen to him. We were proper adults.
But the cold hard facts are that he was sleeping with Elaine even then.
Everything about my life was a lie.
It’s painful until I get to the last page where I find a pink Post-it note, which James has written on, stuck to the inside of the page,
Remember this is just a house. Home is inside your heart!
That man is a saint.
I brush away a tear and sign my name on the line next to where Rod will sign tomorrow.
And our house will list and sell and someone else will get their fresh start.
All I can do is hope that their new house matches the home in their heart better than it did ours.
There’s an odd release of something when I sit back and stare at the pages. I’ll have to let it simmer for a few days before truly thinking about it.
That’s what I do now, in my alone time.
Something I’m blessed with a lot of.
Chapter 34
August 31
“Thanks,” I say again to Anthony as he helps carry the last of my computer equipment into my office. I didn’t want to ask him for help but the dizzy spell I had is lingering.
“No problem.” He leans on the door and sighs. “Feels good, right? Being back.”
“I’m excited to have all this out of my second bedroom.” I’ll give him that, but I’m not happy about leaving the apartment and the small life I have built up there.
“Yeah, the computers and files and stacks of paper in your personal space were so annoying. That and I need people. Thank God you introduced me to Shawnee. Not only is she the greatest person I’ve ever met, but I never would have made the summer without her. Anyway, you need to unpack and I have to organize my desk. See ya later.” He waves and walks out, seeming weirdly chatty and scattered today. I wonder how much coffee he’s had.
I finish setting up and putting my things away but notice it takes me a bit. As if I’m winded.
My head has been throbbing slightly more than normal. There’s a worry it’s stress. I put a notification in my phone for my physio appointment with Linnie after work today so I remember to tell her.
“Hey, girl.” Simone comes to the office doorway. She has a strange smile pasted on her lips. “How’s it going?”
“Good. How about you?” I ask, settling into my chair and praying the Advil kicks in to kill my headache.
“Good,” she has a high-pitched tone.
“What?” She’s hiding something.
“Nothing.” She waves me off but her tone becomes higher.
“Spill.” I point at her, demanding.
She glances out into the hall before coming in my office and closing the door. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it but I am so sorry, Lil. I can’t believe that asshole. Matt is furious that he’s involved work people.”
“What? What work people?” My stomach twinges. What the hell could it possibly be now?
“Rod and Elaine, getting engaged.” She is outraged and I am stunned.
“Engaged?” I whisper. The twinge turns to something else and my headache worsens. My right eye twitches under the strain. “How do you know?” I ask, trying not to completely melt down on our first day back.
“Oh my God, you didn’t know?” It’s her turn to whisper.
“No.” I wait for her to explain.
“He sent out the invite a week ago. He invited a bunch of people from the office to the engagement party next week. It’s some outdoor bullshit event,” she seethes. “I am so sorry. I figured you knew already. Anthony was invited. Isn’t he dating your best friend?”
“Yeah, he—wow.” I sit back and let it hit. That was why he was so chatty and weird. I want to scream at Rod, call him selfish and foolish, but there’s no way I will give him the pleasure of that. So instead, I push it down.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad you told me. I hate when everyone is talking behind my back.” My head pounds harder. It must be a stress headache.
“Just know, no one likes him and everyone thinks it’s tacky to invite people from work to this, considering you work here too.” She offers another worried stare.
“It’s fine. I swear. I’d rather know.”
“Okay.” She leaves my office and I hate that she feels awful.
My phone rings with a call from Sam. I answer it, not caring that I haven’t started work yet. “Hi,” I say, trying to sound happy.
“Is your physio with Linnie today? I could have sworn you said that yesterday.” His voice makes me relax.
“It is.”
“Okay, I’ll jog to the gym and work out and time it so we can ride back together. I was thinking about making penne with vodka sauce. If you want, we can do dinner at your place so Romeo doesn’t feel left out.”
I’m about to tell him I need to be alone tonight when Rod walks past the window in my office to the hallway. He looks in and waves casually, like we’re friends and he hasn’t just stabbed me in the heart. I can’t breathe.
My two months of getting over his betrayal and finding myself are gone. Down the drain. The pain is fresh as if it hasn’t dulled at all.
“Lil?” I realize Sam has been speaking and I missed something.
“Rod’s engaged.” It accidentally comes out.
“Engaged? Already? Jesus.” He pauses. “Wait—is he there?”
“Yeah,” I mutter.
“Give me ten minutes.” He ends the call and I have no idea what’s happening.
My heart hurts and my headache is so much worse.
Why did he need ten minutes?
A knock at my door lifts my gaze to find Matt there. He walks in. “Hi, Lil. How’s it going?” Matt asks, which is weird. He never asks how I am. He just gets to the point. Fortunately, he doesn’t wait for me to answer. He closes the door and gets right to it. “Listen, I have an opportunity here to move someone to Cape Breton. Rod’s not an ideal candidate because he has so many high-end clients here in the city.”
“Okay.”
“But if you say the word, he’s gone to Cape Breton and his high-end clients are dispersed amongst the others.”
Say yes.
Say yes.
Say yes.
“No.” I want so badly to say yes, but I can’t. If I have him moved it will show that he’s under my skin and making me crazy. My right eye twitches with the throbbing. I am stronger than this.
“You sure?”
“Totally. I don’t care what he does.”
“The guy’s a piece of shit.” Matt and his vernacular are eloquent as always. “Between me and you and whatever FBI guys are listening in on our cell phones, I’d like to kick the shit out of him in the parking lot. Me, him, a bat. I think about it
sometimes.”
I laugh for lack of words. It isn’t as if I haven’t thought that as well.
“If I wasn’t his boss,” he says and purses his lips and blows his exhale out. “Anyway, glad to have you back in the office. You brighten my day, Lil.” He winks and leaves and I am more uncomfortable than I was when Rod walked past.
Was Matt flirting?
Was that ass kicking, bat wielding, you brighten my day, his idea of hitting on me?
My eyes draw to the ceiling. “God, please help me. I know we’re friends off this year but, girl, you gotta do this one thing. Don’t let Matt have a thing for me. Please. I can’t handle any more bull—stuff.” Swearing while asking for favors from God is probably a bad idea.
My office door opens again. I jump, seeing Janice’s smiling face. “Lil, you have a special visitor.”
“I thought visitors were banned,” I blurt.
She is beaming and blushing. She steps out of the doorway and lets Sam walk in. Her eyes land on his perfect ass in his scrubs.
“Hey,” Sam says coolly. As if he didn’t sprint here in his doctor costume. And of course he isn’t sweating from the run. “You forgot your lunch.” He holds up a cute black-and-white lunch bag I’ve never seen before in my life.
Janice is still here. Hovering and grinning like an idiot. “Janice, this is Sam.”
“Oh, we met at the front door.” Her eyes wander around his body and face. I can’t blame her. I’ll never forget the first time I saw Samuel Christianson. He has an effect on women. Adding the scrubs is too much. “I’ll leave you to it, Doctor.” Her eyes dance with delight.
I groan as she closes the door. “What have you done?”
“I casually managed to mention I was your boyfriend and that I happen to work at the IWK as a doctor and that I can bench press—”
“What is wrong with you?” I ask with a laugh.