by Brown, Tara
“What are we doing?” Nerves twist inside me.
“James and I were talking at the gym last week, before it closed down again, and he was telling me this house would be perfect for you and he wished you would see it. But he didn’t want you to think he was suggesting you move out.” Sam turns and smiles. “So I said what if the house tour was my idea?”
“You two are insane.” I laugh and climb out, pulling on my mask. “I can’t buy a house right now. This is crazy.”
“Okay, well let’s just take a look,” Sam says.
“Lil, you gotta trust us,” James shouts. He sounds excited. “Do you remember when you and Rod were looking for houses and you kept coming back to that one in Dartmouth that needed a lot of work, and Rod just wanted to live the high life in Bedford with a house you could barely afford?” He turns to the old white house and points. “This is ten times the house that one was. Way better neighborhood. Massive yard. And the houses around you have all been done. This is the last one that needs the reno.”
“Fine, whatever.” I turn to Sam. “But I’m not ready to buy a house. And certainly not a fixer-upper.”
We walk up and right away I notice how massive the wraparound porch is. It’s run-down and falling apart in a couple of places, but I can picture how it would be if it were fixed up with maybe rocking chairs and lanterns.
We take our shoes off and sanitize our hands before going in.
It’s empty and cold. No one lives here and there’s a vibe that suggests it hasn’t been loved in a long time. But whoever did build it, loved this house. The bones suggest that affection haunts the place.
As we walk in, none of us speaks, as if this were a mausoleum and we are treading on sacred ground.
The foyer is large enough you could put a massive table in the middle of it, with high ceilings and crown molding. The wainscoting is dented and beaten up. If this were my house, I would make this room stark white and hang a large wrought iron lantern-style chandelier over a sizeable round foyer table. I would replace the door and frame with something fancier and paint it black to make it stand out against all the white.
The arched doorways leaving this area are small. Sam hardly fits through them. On the right, the first room would make a nice office. It’s smaller and has a large window facing the street.
The left is a formal dining room. It’s closed off and the tray ceiling shows signs of water damage from upstairs.
We walk to the back end of the house where we find a small closed-off kitchen with ancient white wooden cupboards and a nice window into the huge backyard that’s filled with dead bushes and overgrown trees. It appears there was once a stunning garden but those days are long gone. And what’s left is a remnant.
The house fills me with longing and sadness.
Opposite the closet of a kitchen, is a large living room with a stunning but decrepit fireplace and mantel. I imagine how it was before, when someone cared for this house. There are rickety French doors to the backyard and a small patio that’s broken up.
Up the creaky stairs, we find three bedrooms and a single bathroom. It’s like something from a scary movie. Odd little cupboards and closets and short doors leading to storage in the walls.
The ceilings upstairs are quite high too. The windows are big and bright but the wood has long rotted like the rest of the house.
The old wooden floors have marks and stains and in one room they’re covered over by disgusting beige carpet.
The air doesn’t move and I taste the dust and despair in it as I walk from room to room.
We arrive back at the foyer, meeting up like a team of ghost hunters.
“Well?” James asks.
I gulp down the answer I want to say and mutter, “This would be a lot of work.”
“Yeah, it would be. But imagine it,” he says, his eyes lighting up. He can see it too.
Sam lifts his eyebrows, anticipating my answer.
“No.” I shake my head. Lying to us all. “It’s too much.” I turn on my heel and walk out, already crunching numbers on the way to the SUV.
I could put down twenty percent comfortably, restore the top floor with contractors who would update the plumbing and electrical and roof. Get it completely functional and safe, then move in and save myself the rent payment while I restore the main floor.
“No,” I say again, but to myself this time.
“Lil, think about it.” James smirks, surely aware I’m already working it out.
“Kiss my sister and the kids,” I shout and climb in, not saying anything else.
My mind whirls with possibilities.
“Good surprise or bad surprise?” Sam asks as he gets in and takes off his mask, sanitizing his hands and then mine.
“Good,” I answer, trying not to be preoccupied with the house. I turn and feel my expression lighten when our eyes meet. “The best surprise.”
His eyes sparkle with delight. “Then buy the house.”
“I need to go home and write it all down and see how much it will be,” I say offhand, not wanting to explain to him how this process works. When I want something, I cost out every penny of it down to the tiniest payment. It’s not something I let other people see. Except Liz and Shawnee who think it’s a superpower.
As we drive away, I slide my hand into his where he’s resting it. “Thank you,” I say. What I don’t say is thank you for thinking of me. For recognizing something I would love. For showing me that I am on your mind.
He doesn’t know how big this is.
But I do.
Chapter 42
November 23
Unknown location
I lie back and let the water envelope me.
I think I’ve been here for a while.
Though I don’t know where here is.
It’s nice.
Quiet.
I can think, though I don’t.
My thoughts are fuzzy and distant.
Chapter 43
November 23
The bank is quiet when I arrive for our appointment. Covid is out of control and everything in the city is restricted.
When I hurry into the large office, the banker, an old friend from college, is waiting.
“Hi, Harry.” I smile and wonder if he can tell with the mask.
“Lilly, how are you?” he asks and points at the chair.
“Great, how are you?”
“Good. Surprised by Rod’s news.” He raises his eyebrows.
“Surprised that we’re separated and he’s buying a new house and engaged and having a baby already?” I nod, hoping he hears the humor and not the bitterness. “Well, they’ve been dating for about fifteen years, so I guess they know each other well enough.” I wink and he stares, emotionless.
“Fifteen years? But you’ve been marr—” He pauses. “I see. How are you?” he asks again but this time he means it differently.
“Actually, really good. I’ve got a cat finally, Romeo. That was a dream-come-true moment. And work is amazing. Even with Covid. Everyone in the family is doing well. No one has gotten sick. Liz had a third baby, Lillian. She’s a delight. And you remember Sam Christianson from university—?”
“Dr. Sam?” He lifts his eyebrows again.
“Yeah, we just started seeing each other.” I’m not scared to say that aloud.
“I always thought you would end up together.” He smiles, making his eyes wrinkle above the mask. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you.” I sit back in the seat. “And you? You’re managing this plague all right?”
“I am. Very lucky to be working still and no one is sick.” Harry smiles, making his eyes squint so I know he is. “Are you okay to wait for Rod?” he asks, aware of who Rod is. Quite aware.
“Not really. I’m on my lunch break, so I need to be quick. Can I sign and go? Would that be okay?”
“Sure. We’re splitting everything evenly and I am reinvesting your portion?”
“Yes, please.” I try to sound calm a
nd indifferent but I’m annoyed. As usual, Rod is late, as if his time is more important than anyone else’s. And all of this was his bloody idea.
“Great.” He starts turning paperwork around and explaining what it all is. I sign multiple times. “Excellent. Well, it was nice seeing you, Lil. I’m happy things are good for you.”
“Yes, and I’ll be in soon to talk to the mortgage lady. I’m thinking about buying a house,” I say though I have yet to commit to it. I’ve gone back for a look twice, plotted the entire renovation, and have already spoken to the contractor who would take on the part I would need done by her.
“I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this but make certain you don’t use any of the money acquired during your marriage. Otherwise, there could be disputes when you divorce as to what the marital assets are.” He winks.
“Yes, I will be cautious.” I laugh and walk to the door. “Thank you, Harry. And I hope you have a great holiday.”
“You too. Stay safe.”
I wave and walk from the office, meeting Rod as I round the corner. He passes me, clearly not recognizing me in the mask. I continue to head for the main doors but he says my name, “Lil?” he sounds confused.
I turn. “Hey, I’ve signed so Harry is just waiting for you.”
“Oh my God, you look amazing. I didn’t recognize you.” He strolls back toward me. Even seeing his eyes makes me want to punch him in the face, but I maintain my cool. “How are you?”
“What?” I scoff. “I signed your papers, Rod. Goodbye.” I turn and walk out, making sure I add an extra something to my strut. In my mind I’m Beyoncé, walking a catwalk in my pencil skirt and heels.
It likely doesn’t resemble that in any way but fuck him and his “you look good.”
No!
I hurry back to work in the cold weather. Hating that the bleak winter months are coming.
Janice nods when she sees me come through the front doors. “Killing that pencil skirt, Lil.”
“Thanks, Janice,” I say with a blush.
“That running is paying off.” She gives me a thumbs up as I walk by.
When I reach my office, I sit at the desk and try to work. But my mind tiptoes back to the house. James says it hasn’t had a single showing. No one is looking for an old gut job at Christmas.
But I am and always have been.
I pull up the listing and imagine how it would be all fixed up.
It remains open as I move on, working and trying not to spend the day pining over the relic I would have to spend a small fortune on.
The day drags on, as Mondays always do, and finally it’s nearly dark outside. Which means it’s the end of the day. I jump up and pull on some sneakers to do the walk home. I sneak out the side door, as usual, and try to get to the apartment before the sun is completely gone.
I open the door to my place, ready for a glass of wine and a kitty snuggle. Before I can get inside, Sam’s door opens across the hall, making the fall wreath I made him swing back and forth. “Hey.”
“Hi.” I let him in, taking my shoes off and hurrying to the kitchen to wash my hands. Romeo is snuggling Sam. Something I plan on doing too.
“You feel heavier than the last time I saw you.” Sam lifts Romeo like he is weighing him and glances at me. “Have you been feeding him the light food? I told you he’s gaining.”
“Yeah, I did but he eats more of it,” I try to defend myself.
“You’re supposed to ration the amount you give him.”
“It makes him unhappy if there isn’t food.” I take Romeo and kiss his nose. He still hasn’t warmed to me doing it. “What do you want for dinner?” I ask Sam, realizing this is normal now. Me and him and the cat.
“Why don’t you choose while I get you something to drink.” He walks to the bar I put in the dining room.
“What about this stuffed gnocchi and sauce I got at Pete’s?” I hold up the Parmesan sauce. “I have some potato bread already made into garlic toast. I can reheat it. And a salad?”
“That sounds amazing.” He nods and starts mixing drinks. We’ve weirdly fallen into this comfortable routine. I expect it’s Covid and the inability to go out or be around other people. Shawnee and Anthony’s relationship happened the same way. It sort of fell into place.
A minute later, there’s a perfect old-fashioned sitting in front of me. Sam has one too and lifts it in the air. “Cheers.”
Taking it, I hoist it to his, tapping the lip of our glasses. “Cheers.”
I take a sip and moan. He added some of the cherry water instead of simple syrup. It’s stunning. “I signed today for the last of the investments. Rod and I now have nothing tying us together. Not a single thing.”
“What about your incomes? Will he be forced to pay alimony?”
“No. We make almost the same.”
He walks around the island and pulls me into his arms. “I didn’t get a kiss yet.” He lowers his face to mine, delicately brushing his lips against my cheek. “Did you decide I’m right and buy the house?” He kisses the other cheek, making my insides flutter.
“No.”
We kiss. I lean into it, needing his touch. There’s an odd experience within our embrace. It’s never happened to me before. But I take something from this. I glean from him like a succubus. He heals something when he holds me. He fills me up.
His tongue lazily finds its way into my mouth and I taste the bourbon we’ve both drank. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down to me, pressing our bodies against one another.
His hands cup my ass, grinding me into him.
The kiss deepens as he spins and walks us to my bedroom.
We skip dinner and go straight for dessert.
Chapter 44
December 11
Unknown location
“Lil,” a voice calls me.
But it’s so far away. I don’t think I can swim that far.
I roll over in the water and wait.
“Come back to me,” the voice says.
But the water rises, sinking me further.
It’s nice here.
Quiet.
Chapter 45
December 11
“Do you think James will like this?” Liz sends a picture into our group chat via text. I look away from the computer and the Friday night Zoom hangout with my sister and Shawnee to my phone.
“Virtual reality?” I wrinkle my nose when I see what she sent. “Yes, James would love it. But they aren’t something you can all play together. He’ll end up on there by himself, making you crazy as he acts out whatever he’s seeing. I think you should get him that Dance 2021 game. You already have the Switch for it, and he and the kids can play. And it’s active.”
“Oh totally. Lil’s right,” Shawnee agrees. “That will make you nuts.”
“You’re right,” Liz says after a second of contemplation. “The kids will want to play with it and everyone will be fighting over their turn.” She shudders and we laugh.
“What are you getting Anthony?” I ask Shawnee, pretty excited this has lasted. She is smitten and they’ve been discussing selling one of their places and moving in together. It’s huge for her.
“I got him an open ticket to Istanbul. We can book it whenever we want in the next two years, depending on how Covid is doing, obviously. But with the UK having the vaccine and already dispensing it, we could be good to go by next Christmas, maybe.”
“That’s amazing. I’ve always wanted to see Istanbul,” I gush. “Great gift, Shawnee.”
“I got a huge plague discount.” She winks.
“What do you think he got you?” I waggle my eyebrows.
“Do not say an engagement ring. It’s been like seven months. That’s not long enough to get engaged.” She waves her hand in front of the computer screen.
“James and I only dated for six months before getting engaged,” Liz adds.
“James is a unicorn.” Shawnee laughs.
“That’s fair.” I point out.
“I can’t believe we won’t be seeing the kids and you guys or any parents this whole holiday,” I change the subject before Liz gets sensitive.
“I can’t wait for this dumpster fire of a year to be over. Freaking plague and all the other bullshit can go away.” Liz pouts.
“Yeah, my parents have had their open house every single year for the last thirty. This is the first year without it. It’s crazy to think we’ll all be separated.” Shawnee furrows her brow. “It was a tough choice between quarantining for two weeks and staying with my parents or just staying with Anthony.”
“Your dad would never let you choose them.” I roll my eyes and take a sip of wine. “He is too hung up on Anthony.”
“True story,” Shawnee says with a sigh. “My mom already said if I blow things with him, there’s a chance he stays and I’m the one getting the boot.” She laughs.
Her mom would say that. She is one spicy lady when it comes to disrespect and Shawnee is the queen of sass.
“Whatever, you guys are lucky. Lil, you’re getting off scot-free. You get to spend the ten days off wrapped in Sam’s sexy arms while I entertain not only my kids but our parents who have been quarantining so they can spend Christmas with the kids.” Liz grimaces. “I’ll trade ya.”
“I’m good with my sexy doctor and cuddly cat Christmas, thanks!”
“And what about the house? Did you decide if you want to put an offer in yet?” Shawnee asks.
“No.” I sit back and relax in the chair. “I want to. But I’m trying to figure out how to purchase without using any of the equity we had from our old house. None of the money from our marriage can pay for the house. I could get Dad to give me the money and pay him back after the divorce is finalized. But I think it would make him nervous to pull that much from investments,” I say with a sigh. “Or I could stretch my possession date to after the divorce. James says the owners aren’t in a hurry.”