by Brown, Tara
“This old house reno, you have wanted to do this forever. Remember that piece of shit you almost bought in Dartmouth but Rod convinced you to buy the big house instead?” Liz laughs. “God, that house was gross.”
“Yeah.” I shake my head. “I am glad now that I think about it; I can’t imagine a reno with Rod.”
“Speaking of Rod, I have some tea,” Shawnee says. “I guess Anthony goes to the gym for three months in the winter normally. He trains with some Arthur guy.”
“Right, Arthur,” Liz and I say at the same time.
“So we were talking about this gym and he was telling me about how they had this yoga teacher who used to do classes there, and I guess she slept with a lot of the clients.”
“Yoga? No!” I gasp.
Liz nods with an evil grinchy look on her face.
“I guess Elaine is known for her shenanigans in the gym-rat circles. And she hooked up with Arthur a while back, and he didn’t know she was married. When he discovered it, he broke things off and she hasn’t been back to teach the classes. Anthony was telling me this story and I almost had a heart attack when I realized who he meant.” Shawnee is way too excited about this.
“You got an STD test, right?” Liz asks, wrinkling her nose.
“They call it an STI test now and yes, last January right before Mexico. He and I didn’t have sex, ever.” The thought of it makes me shiver.
“So here’s Rod, marrying this complete train wreck of a girl. She’s pregnant. And it might not even be his baby?” Liz has connected the dots faster than I have.
“Oh God.” Shawnee groans. “I didn’t think of that.”
“Yikes,” I say, taking another drink of wine.
“Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy,” Liz says and lifts her glass of sparkling water. She has six more months before she can have wine. The countdown is on.
My apartment door opens and Sam walks in, smiling wide as he pockets the key I gave him the other day. Romeo jumps down and hurries to him.
“I better go, girls. Sam just got here. I’ll chat with ya tomorrow.”
“Love you,” they shout and I log off.
“You didn’t have to get off for me,” he says as he scoops up the cat and kisses his nose. Romeo leans into it.
“That’s okay. You didn’t want to hear that conversation.”
“Now I do.” He laughs and takes off his shoes and mask and sanitizes.
“I guess Elaine, the girl Rod’s marrying, is known around your gym for being—frisky. She used to teach yoga there—”
“Oh, not that Elaine.” He stops. “Elaine the yoga instructor. Tiny little thing?” He pales.
“Oh God, you didn’t sleep with her?” I cover my mouth with my hand. Why does God hate me?
“Hell no. She and Arthur had a thing until he found out she was married. She’s a bit—”
“Emotionally unstable?” I ask, wanting to smile but I don’t. It’s not cool to mock someone’s mental health. Even Elaine’s.
“I was going to say manipulative.”
“Thank you.” I couldn’t agree more.
“Anyway, I’m glad you have all this teleconferencing figured out. I was hoping to do a Zoom with my friends over Christmas.”
“You have friends?” I’m only half kidding. He rarely speaks about much beyond work.
“I do.” He narrows his gaze. “And they want to meet you.”
“On Zoom?” My tone suggests I’m not into this. Which is because I’m not into this.
“Yeah, is that all right?” he asks as he walks closer, wrapping himself around me.
“It’s awesome.” I force a smile.
“You are the worst liar.” He kisses me softly. “But on to the important things, it’s my turn to make dinner. Any requests?”
A sly smile flashes across my lips.
“You want to skip dinner again?” he asks, visibly amused.
I take his hand in mine and walk him to my bedroom.
Chapter 46
December 24
Unknown location
Lights flash behind my eyes.
I don’t know where I am.
This is new.
“Lil,” voices call me from the darkness.
“Lil, wake up, please.”
“We love you. Please don’t leave us.”
“Lil, I’ve always loved you. Please come back to me.”
But I can’t open my eyes.
I’m still underwater.
Something touches my hand. I squeeze.
“Oh my God, they’re wrong. She’s going to live. She’s waking up! She moved,” my sister shouts.
“Lilly, can you hear us?” Dad asks. It must be bad, he never says my name.
I cling to whatever is touching my hand. Desperate to wake up. To find the light. I think I’ve been here for a long time, too long. My body feels like it doesn’t know me anymore. And it’s tired. It wants to go back to the water.
But I don’t give in. I explore every bit of the dark until I find my eyes. It takes several attempts before I come close to batting my lashes.
When I do, I surface and the light of the room comes in choppy like a kaleidoscope.
Is this the waiting room again?
“Hey,” my sister says softly. She squeezes my hand, making me realize it was her I was touching. I blink. My lashes are stuck together and my eyes are weak.
I want to talk but I can’t. My mouth has something in it. I move my tongue and realize that’s what it is. My tongue feels funny, thick and lazy.
Dry.
It’s dry and I’m parched.
Everything burns.
Where’s the water?
I blink again and my eyes try to focus.
“Stay with me, Lil,” Liz says. “I’m here.”
I can’t remember anything.
How did I get here?
Desperate to wake and get answers, I blink again, struggling hard and separating my lashes.
She’s there.
Here.
Maybe she’s underwater with me.
Liz is a shape. A shadow.
It takes everything for my eyes to clear.
It’s exhausting and I can’t get my breath.
“Stay calm,” she says softly. Her words whisper across my cheeks.
I blink again and it clears. I see her. We’re not underwater at all.
“Hi,” she says, tears streaming her cheeks. It’s just her. I swear there were others. My dad. My mom. Shawnee. Sam, maybe.
But it’s just us.
The room is dark, barely lit at all.
Other sounds trickle in. Beeps and clicks and air coming from somewhere.
“You’re okay,” Liz whispers. “You’ve been asleep for a while.” She’s lying.
“How—long?” I whisper and it hurts. A lot.
“A while,” she says. “You had a stroke from the concussion. And your poor brain was already struggling with that cyst.” She’s speaking words but I don’t know what they mean. I can separate them and know them apart but together the sentence makes no sense.
Her words and my effort are too much.
I’m tired. I close my eyes and the lovely darkness calls me back to it.
“Stay with me, Lil,” Liz whispers.
But I can’t.
I know that now.
The water is better.
“She’s awake!” Liz is loud.
“Lil?” Sam’s voice echoes as I dunk below the surface again. “Lil?”
“She was awake. She asked how long and what happened.” Liz sounds funny. Desperate. “Why is she falling back to sleep? Should we wake her up?”
“Coma patients can take weeks to wake up. She’s likely been waking for a while now.” Sam touches my hand. But it’s weird., like he’s reached down into the water to find me “Lil, can you hear me?”
I can.
“Come back to me,” he whispers against my cheek.
But the water is nice. It’s calm and war
m and there’s a light. It doesn’t hurt my eyes. It refracts in the ripples of water and makes beams.
“Romeo is doing well. He’s been staying with me. We keep each other company. We miss you,” he mutters and his voice sounds funny now too.
It’s not desperate anymore.
It’s reconciled.
Chapter 47
December 24
“A bit further,” Sam says, walking me through the Grand Parade toward the cenotaph.
“We have the family Christmas Zoom in an hour. What are we doing out here?” I wrap my arms tightly around myself.
“I have to give you your present.” He walks on.
“It’s cold!”
“It’s three degrees, you’re fine,” he says.
We walk until we get to the church yard at St. Paul’s. He checks his watch and turns.
A smile crests his lips as he faces me.
Ding!
He drops to his knees.
Chapter 48
December 24
Unknown location
“I love you forever,” Sam whispers and the water rises.
It gets cold though.
The warmth is gone.
The light at the end is bright.
In the distance I hear something. I know this sound.
Ding!
The water above me ripples.
Chapter 49
December 24
Sam lifts a small turquoise box.
Ding!
My heart drops and my hands grip into fists.
“From the moment I met you, I knew.”
Ding!
“And we’ve wasted a lot of time already, so I don’t want to waste any more. Because I lo—I love you, Lilly.” His exhale is white and icy in the frigid temperature.
Ding!
Chapter 50
December 24
Unknown location
Ding!
“I’ll take care of Romeo,” Sam whispers.
I think he knows that the light is getting bigger.
Ding!
The bell tolls for me.
I close my eyes in the water and let the current take me to the light.
Ding!
In the light, I get a glimpse of something. I see us, me and Sam. We’re in a different time, a different place, a different us.
We’re better. We’re happy. We’re whole.
All our dreams are coming true.
Snow begins to fall. Fluttering so beautifully all around her.
I think only one of us can have this, this future.
It’s five pm on Christmas Eve and my two worlds become one.
I leave so she can live.
Chapter 51
December 24
It begins to snow, as if Sam made a deal with God.
I lean back, letting the flakes fall on me.
Ding!
The final bell for five o’clock rings on Christmas Eve.
The wind whispers over me, blowing something away. Something I don’t have the clarity to see. But I feel it. The end of whatever it was.
I look back down at Sam still kneeling.
My heart is racing with fear and hope and a bit more fear.
But he says exactly what I want to hear, not what I’m scared he’ll say.
“Renovate that house with me!” He hands me the blue box.
People are watching. I think someone is filming.
It takes a second for the words to flit about in my mind. Then a wide grin spreads across my face. I take the box and open it, finding a silver key.
He stands, staring down on me.
“You bought the house?” I ask, scared of the answer.
“I did.”
I think for a second before I speak, “Okay—yes,” I say, looking up at him. “I love you too, Sam. I think I always have.” I stand on my tiptoes and press my lips into his.
People are cheering all around us.
It’s the best feeling in the world.
The snow falls on us, making that whispering sound in the cool air.
He slips his hand in mine and squeezes it tightly. Déjà vu hits me and I am overwhelmed again with that feeling I can’t quite grasp. A sensation of loss and grief I can’t explain. It’s as if an old me, a version I no longer want to be or have within me, has died.
The girl I was and the girl I am have officially parted ways.
“I can’t believe you bought it,” I mutter as we stroll the Grand Parade back to the apartment.
“You can’t?” He spins me to face him again. “Really?”
“Well, I can. Because it’s something rich people like you do. But I also can’t because this is a crazy huge commitment.”
“Investment,” he says and kisses me. “This is an investment. And a great test for the relationship I was committed to the moment it started. Maybe even before. Maybe I’ve been committed to you since I met you.” He squeezes my hand and walks us toward home. “Because, if we can renovate a house together, we can do anything.”
“I think we already know we can do anything,” I say and kiss his cheek.
“Yeah, we can. Merry Christmas, Lil.”
“Merry Christmas, Sam.”
We snuggle into each other and I realize I got him some sweaters and a couple of cute tee shirts for Christmas, and he gave me a house.
“I want to pay for my half.” I stop us from walking and give him a serious look.
He smiles at me, almost as if he’s confused by the comment. “There’s no half, Lil. It’s yours. And it’s ours. And there’s no half. I’m not cutting things in half. I want you to jump with both your feet into this, not dip your toes. I’m not Rod. You don’t need to have your money kept safe somewhere in case you have to leave.”
He knows me too well.
“I like financial independence, Sam.”
“Well, I like the idea that you’re an accountant and you can take care of my money and yours and call it ours.” He laughs and kisses the side of my head. “Like the house and the cat.” He gives me a side-glance. “And the life. Ours.”
I want to torment him and say Romeo is all mine, but the reality is he likes Sam better than he does me. It’s a soul-crushing truth I will never admit aloud.
“Fine. Ours it is.” I snuggle into him, sucking in whatever it is that I find there. He fills me up.
It’s strange getting everything I want for Christmas. It’s my first year experiencing this. I got the guy, the cat, the house, and me. I love who I am right now. I feel strong and worthy and happy.
And the best part of all is, he thinks he’s the lucky one.
Epilogue
December 24, 2021
One year later
Halifax, NS
Sam comes into the house with a small box.
“There you are!” I gasp. “Everyone’s going to be here in like ten minutes.” I lay a tray of appetizers down on the stunning farm table we finally decided on.
He doesn’t say anything, but walks over and kisses me, holding the box. It moves and I jump back.
“What was that?”
“Part of your Christmas present. I know it’s crazy with the kids coming here tonight, but we can keep her safe.” He hands me the wiggling box.
“Her?” I place the box on the white marble counter in the kitchen and pull the lid off. A tiny white face peeks up at me. “Oh my God.” A kitten, maybe about three months old, mews.
Romeo comes running to the sound of it.
“You are so sweet.” I lift her out and cuddle her carefully against me. “What is this?” I gasp at Sam.
“Her name is Luna. She’s three and a half months old and already spayed.” Sam strokes her tiny nose. “She was adopted by an older couple but the husband had a massive stroke. The wife is spending all her time at the hospital. She told me she was devastated but had to give the kitten up.”
“She is precious.” I place her on the floor so Romeo can see. Instantly, he is unimpressed. His back hair r
ises and he fluffs out to twice the size.
The kitten mews and he hisses. She cowers.
“Hey, be nice,” I scold him.
He gives me the look. The one that suggests he’ll do what he wants.
We let them sniff and stare and figure each other out.
“Thank you.” I stand up and kiss Sam. “She’s perfect.”
“Even with the kids coming?”
“They’ll be gentle. They’re accustomed to pets.” I roll my eyes. My sister has wormed her way into three cats and two dogs. She’s gradually becoming an animal farm.
“You excited?” Sam’s eyes glisten with mischief. “First gathering at the house.”
“It’s weird. I’m nervous about everyone coming in. There will be almost twenty of us with Shawnee’s parents. And I know we’re all vaccinated and the quarantine is over, but I still get uncomfortable with crowds.”
“You should see the hospital.” He shakes his head. “We’re never going to recover from that plague. But I’m glad we’re doing Christmas Eve here this year. We’ve worked hard on this place.”
He spins me and we stare at the mantel over the fire that’s flickering. It’s gas now instead of wood but it’s gorgeous.
The house is loved once again.
It’s no longer waiting for someone to move in and care for it.
We’ve touched and healed every square inch of the place.
And I think in some ways we have done that to each other too.
I’ve never felt so complete in myself and a relationship before.
I bend and pick up Luna as Sam picks up Romeo. His ears remain back but he relaxes when Sam pets him. Luna snuggles into me. I kiss her on the tip of her nose, and she makes the same face Romeo does when I do it to him.