Mindfulness for Prolonged Grief
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Do this task mindfully, timing the movement of the broom with each relaxed, unforced breath.
In a short time, you may find that you’re deeply relaxed. Again, think of the ground as a living being, overjoyed at and grateful for being cleaned. You may also think of each of your breaths as sweeping away any distressing or negative emotions from your mind and body, gathering all of your sorrow into a pile and leaving the ground clean. Your breath and the broom have something in common in this mindful task: both are purifying and cleansing the areas they touch.
Sweeping is one of my favorite tasks to do mindfully. Of course, it can take much longer than sweeping on autopilot. But notice how different it feels. Who knew sweeping could become such a profoundly moving ritual? You can also use this technique for mopping or raking leaves.
practice: Vacuuming and Decluttering Mindfully
Vacuuming, like sweeping, is probably also something you have to do regularly. You can apply a similar approach to this routine chore:
To vacuum mindfully, bring your vacuum cleaner to the area you need to clean. Plug it into the wall, but don’t turn it on just yet.
Stand behind the vacuum and take three mindful belly breaths, slowly and rhythmically. Notice your posture. Make sure your posture is erect and your back isn’t tight. You may need to relax your knees so you aren’t hunched over.
Notice the dirt and debris on the rug or carpet in front of you. If you notice that there’s a lot of dust and dirt on the rug, become mindful of how dusty your mind can feel at times, as well.
Turn on the vacuum cleaner.
As you exhale, push the vacuum cleaner away from you. Notice the pattern of clean carpet it leaves behind. As you inhale, move the vacuum cleaner back toward you and again notice the clean carpet left behind.
Repeat, exhaling as the vacuum cleaner moves away from you to clean the area next to the one you just did. Notice the pattern it makes, overlapping with what you have already cleaned.
Repeat until you’ve vacuumed the entire area.
Once you’ve finished the job, turn off the vacuum cleaner. Stand behind the vacuum and observe the room. Notice how much cleaner it is.
If you notice that there’s a lot of clutter in the area, become mindful of this. Is everything you have necessary? If not, pick up one thing that you know you don’t need or don’t want and either discard it or set it aside to donate, as appropriate.
You can do this every time you vacuum. Sometimes you may find that once you start looking at the clutter, you choose more things to sort through and donate or throw away.
After doing this practice, notice how you feel. How does it feel to have less clutter and fewer unnecessary things around?
Your Loved One’s Belongings
You can skip this section if you don’t have any of your loved one’s belongings or if you have only those belongings that you wish to keep.
For many people suffering from prolonged grief, one of the most difficult choices is what to do with a loved one’s belongings. Sometimes this dilemma is settled by forces beyond your control, such as someone else being in charge of your loved one’s possessions or having to immediately relocate after your loved one’s death.
If you lived with your loved one or have a lot of his or her things, I’d like you to be mindful of practicing belly breathing while you read this section. Contemplating your loved one’s belongings and what to do with them can trigger a lot of stress for a variety of reasons. No matter what the cause, stress usually feels the same. But it isn’t mandatory.
Practice at least a few belly breaths before you continue reading.
Like many people, you may have found that after the bureaucracy following your loved one’s death, you were simply too exhausted to sort out your loved one’s belongings. As time went by, the weight of grief may have grown heavier, robbing you of any emotional and physical energy you may have had to sort out stuff. Before you knew it, months or maybe even years passed. At this point, you may have gotten used to having all of your loved one’s stuff around. This stuff may have become not only symbolic of who your loved one was, but also of your prolonged grief.
People have different ideas about whether keeping many of a loved one’s belongings is healthy. Many people feel that there’s a certain period of time, be it weeks or months, in which it’s legitimate to hold on to items that may be insignificant. I don’t hurry my patients to get rid of things unless they feel it’s necessary or those belongings are interfering with their lives and other relationships. Of course, it’s a different issue if you have to move or if the sheer quantity of your loved one’s belongings is crowding your living space.
For many people, a loved one’s belongings were a part of their everyday surroundings and remain that way after the loved one dies. Perhaps you lost a spouse or a child, and his or her room, clothes, and bed remain in your home. The most personal items, like the pillow your loved one last used or dirty clothes that still carry his or her scent can trigger some of the most vivid memories and sharpest pain in your journey with grief.
Each object tells a story of how it was used and the person who used it, and each story churns up different feelings. It may feel pleasant to revisit these memories and stay connected to your loved one through these possessions. You may feel as though it is still your loved one’s home as long as his or her things are there. A widow I worked with years ago once told me she didn’t want to move or get rid of any of her husband’s belongings because she felt as though he could still find his way to her as long as his stuff was there. She thought he might not be able to recognize the house without all his stuff inside it.
This may not sound logical. After all, wouldn’t his spirit or soul want to be closer to her spirit, rather than to his old muscle cars and tools? But the emotional reality of her theory is inescapable. You may have your own theories about your loved one’s belongings or afterlife. Or you may simply want to preserve your loved one’s life by preserving his or her things. You may even be telling yourself your loved one is about to come home any day now, even though deep down you know this won’t be happening. Material objects sometimes become symbolic connections to memories and relationships, extensions of a body that is no longer with us. This is completely natural and isn’t inherently problematic. Sometimes, though, it can become a problem.
practice: Exploring Your Relationship to Your Loved One’s Belongings
Like reading the preceding section, doing this practice may be a bit stressful. Please practice belly breathing as you answer the following questions:
What compels you to hold on to your loved one’s belongings?
___________
___________
___________
What do you fear would happen if you got rid of your loved one’s things?
___________
___________
___________
___________
Do you feel like you should have less of your loved one’s things around?
___________
Which single one of your loved one’s possessions is most important to you?
______
practice: Exploring Whether Keeping Your Loved One’s Things Is Problematic
In psychology, we often look at different thoughts and behaviors in terms of their potential outcomes. One of the most consistent criteria in trying to distinguish behavior that’s problematic from behavior that’s appropriate is to ask whether what you’re doing gets in the way of your life. Here are some questions to consider when deciding whether you should get rid of some of your loved one’s things:
Are your loved one’s belongings getting in the way of your ability to move around the house?
Are your loved one’s belongings getting in the way of your ability to do normal things, like working, cleaning, cooking, grooming, or bathing?
Do people you respect comment on how much of your loved one’s things you seem to have, excluding pictures?
Do you feel like you sho
uld have gotten rid of more stuff by now?
Are you embarrassed to have people over because of the number of things you have that belonged to your loved one?
Does having your loved one’s belongings around keep you from accomplishing your goals?
If you answered yes to at least three of these questions, you should probably find a way to reduce the amount of stuff you have in general, including your loved one’s belongings.
How Long to Hold On
A question that often comes up when I’m speaking with someone who’s grieving is how long it’s appropriate to hold on to a loved one’s belongings. I don’t think there’s a standard time frame that applies to everyone. Even as a mental health care professional, I often don’t feel like I can offer specific guidance here. How can I tell a family who lost a child that they should dismantle the child’s bedroom? If it doesn’t bother anyone or get in the way of everyday life, why is it a problem?
I think it’s much more helpful to think of whether holding on to your loved one’s things is healthy, rather than thinking about how long you’ve kept these things. Asking yourself what you think would be a healthy amount of time to hold on to your loved one’s things is just part of the equation. Every situation is unique, every relationship different, and the loss of a particular person presents its own challenges. Go by what works for you, not by what someone else thinks is right.
I do recommend, however, that you explore this question after sitting in mindfulness meditation for fifteen minutes. Whenever the issue of your loved one’s belongings comes up, you may get pretty stressed and therefore react—and sometimes overreact—automatically, without thinking through what your goals are for yourself. Grief takes over with its own priorities here, just as it does in other aspects of your life.
practice: Mindfully Considering Your Loved One’s Possessions
Pause here to practice a few belly breaths and then engage in mindfulness meditation for fifteen minutes. Then come back to the book and continue reading.
• • •
Now that you’ve calmed and centered yourself with a little formal mindfulness meditation, ask yourself these questions:
Do I need to keep everything I’m holding on to?
Now that I’m more relaxed, can I think of any belongings that I might get rid of?
How much time do I think is reasonable to hold on to my loved one’s things?
Does holding on to all this stuff help me heal?
What to Do with Your Loved One’s Things
Eventually, some people find that only a few things—a necktie or T-shirt, a book or Bible, a souvenir or a favorite piece of jewelry—are enough. Many people decide to pack one small, carry-on size suitcase of possessions and either sell, donate, or throw away the rest. It might seem quite strange, even absurd: your entire experience of another human being, someone who means so much to you, packaged in a small suitcase. But remember, the memories don’t belong to your loved one’s things. Memories are what you carry within you, always.
It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can keep a few tokens and get rid of the rest.
It might seem like it will feel bizarre—too strange—to be in your home without your loved one’s belongings. Most people tell me that it doesn’t feel as bad or as weird as they feared. Sometimes it actually feels liberating. Many people find it beneficial to have fewer physical triggers for grief’s painful emotions.
Again, though, if your loved one’s belongings aren’t taking up too much space, don’t get in the way of your everyday life, and don’t trigger the sharp pain of grief, maybe they aren’t a problem.
Practical Considerations
If you have a lot of things you want to get rid of, including big things like cars or a piano, I suggest you research services in your area that will haul them away and either donate or sell them. Some of these services will haul away whatever you ask them to. Various charities are often willing to come by and pick up items such as clothing or even furniture. Also consider contacting local churches or other places of worship to see if they take items to distribute to those in need.
Personally, I feel that one of the best uses for a loved one’s possessions is to allow them to ease the lives of people who are struggling to meet their basic needs for survival. Donating your loved one’s belongings to such people can be tremendously beneficial and serve as a profound memorial to your loved one. Wouldn’t it feel good to know that your loved one is continuing to touch people’s lives by helping people in need? Compassion and charity are often the best and most virtuous ways to deal with a loved one’s belongings.
My experience has been that most charities, especially those that will haul away belongings for you, have specific guidelines on what they can accept. If you wind up with a lot of stuff you can’t get rid of, you may want to have a yard sale.
If you decide to have a yard sale, be committed to it. You’ll probably have second thoughts about getting rid of some items, or you may feel that you aren’t charging enough based on your emotional attachment to your loved one’s possessions. Committing to a yard sale means you’ll have to respect your own decision to get rid of things that are getting in the way of how you envision the rest of your life. Try to think of it this way: it’s not that you’re losing things; it’s that you’re gaining more space, both literally and metaphorically.
If, after reading and working through this section, you feel more comfortable about distributing or discarding your loved ones belongings, don’t hesitate. Take a deep belly breath, put the book down, and start working on solutions to decluttering your home.
Summary
Grief often challenges you to think outside of categories like right versus wrong. Instead, you may have to choose the most desirable out of what feel like only bad options. Over the years, I’ve found that most people experiencing prolonged grief struggle with the issue of what to do with their loved one’s belongings. Sorting through your loved ones’ things is a vivid reminder of this new equation you have to negotiate in life and with your grief. Remember, it’s not a question of what you’re supposed to be doing in your journey with grief. Rather, you’re finding a path forward that can help you free yourself from the confines of grief and help you live your life with as much wellness as you can.
Up to this point in the book, you’ve learned a lot of techniques that can help you manage the stress of grief and wrestle with some very difficult choices. In the next chapter, you’ll learn techniques to help you soothe some of the emotional pain of your loss. Just as dealing with your loved one’s belongings addresses physical aspects of your loss, learning to soothe yourself compassionately can help you deal with some of the emotional aspects of your suffering.
Chapter 8
Transforming Pain
In your work with this book, you’ve learned a lot of different skills and techniques built upon the practice of mindfulness meditation. You may have found mindfulness to be a centering, relaxing addition to your lifestyle. Hopefully you’ve also been able to alter your immediate surroundings and your eating, sleeping, and exercise patterns to create a life that’s more conducive to your overall health and well-being. Practicing all of these techniques can help you feel a lot better, or at least not feel as miserable. You may notice that your ability to savor and enjoy pleasurable moments is growing, or at least notice more moments when you aren’t in as much pain.
Mindfulness and Compassion
Let’s now turn toward the common theme underlying all of the practices you’ve learned up to this point and all of the changes that you’re working to implement in your life. Soothing your pain and alleviating your suffering are about compassion. Sitting with your mind and being present with the relaxing practice of belly breathing as you let any and every thought, feeling, and sensation rise and fall teaches you how to be open with yourself. This openness eventually begins to feel very welcoming. In the practice of mindfulness, you let go of judgment about what you’re thinking, feeling, or not
icing and are simply present with an attitude of acceptance.
Over time, you begin to identify more with your mindful self than all of your random thoughts—thoughts you may not even have realized you were having and that left you feeling more miserable. By welcoming everything without judgment, this mindful self feels centered and grounded. It feels a lot like a mind full of unconditional love—witnessing the experience of being yourself, and sharing that experience, without judgment, criticism, or distress. This awareness is like having the kind of parent we all wish we could have, or perhaps a parent we had when we needed them most, inside our minds.
Although each mindfulness meditation session may not have a specific goal aside from sitting practice, the practice of mindfulness is aimed at a specific intention. This intention is compassion. Sitting with unconditional acceptance as parts of the mind constantly race off in different directions and gently calling them back over and over again nurtures a part of the mind that soothes itself, like a patient parent works with a mischievous child. Mindfulness meditation teaches you to be patient with your mind, and this patience can ultimately lead to a transformative compassion for yourself and others.
Compassion starts with agreeing to sit down with yourself to try to figure out a way to heal through all of the hurt and suffering you’re experiencing. Learning how to soothe yourself and find a place to put the pain so it doesn’t burn you up or drive other people away is a compassionate intention. Mindfulness definitely can’t change the events of your life and what has happened to you, but it can give you choices—compassionate choices—about how to live out the rest of the life you have.
The Awakening Mind
Mindfulness practitioners have long recognized and strived to harness the healing power of compassion. In the Buddhist tradition, there’s a concept known as bodhichitta. It literally means “awakening mind”—the aspect of the mind that practices meditation and ultimately becomes completely enlightened. Bodhichitta is also often considered to be synonymous with compassionate mind.