Prince of Secrets and Shadows

by C. S. Johnson

  My only comfort was knowing Amir was tending to Ben’s leg as best as he could while we were on the road.

  I helped everyone inside as we arrived. I let Harshad and Lady POW deal with the villains of our night. Her footmen were up and ready to take care of guarding them, and I was content to know I had a break from seeing either Cecilia or Lumiere, even if it was only for a short while.

  Once everyone was settled, including Ferdy, I made my way back to Ben’s room, where Amir had returned to set his broken leg.

  “You don’t have to be here, Eleanora,” Amir told me.

  His voice was quiet as he worked. I watched as he pulled out a bag that I had never seen before, one that was full of medical tools and other supplies. Amir reached inside and searched for something. A moment later, I saw he held up a syringe and a small bottle.

  “I know I don’t have to be here,” I whispered back, trying not to cringe as Amir filled up the needle with the bottle’s contents and injected it into Ben’s thigh. “I just ...”

  My voice trailed off, and I could not say whether it was because my reasoning was too embarrassing or because I knew Amir would not agree with me regardless.

  As if he sensed my thoughts, Amir shook his head. “I know why you came, and I can tell you, punishing yourself will not make Ben’s leg heal faster. And if you are here to see if he will forgive you, you might be waiting for some time. The drug I just gave him will numb it considerably. I am hoping I can set it without waking him. You might as well go and get some sleep.”

  My brother had fallen asleep during the ride over, and I doubted Amir wanted him to wake up any more than I did.

  “It might make him feel better, though,” I retorted, though I did not want Ben to wake up only to curse me out.

  “That won’t make him be better in the end, either.”

  The fire was bright in his room. Lady POW’s seamstresses apparently doubled as a small band of nurses, as they all bustled around his room while Amir worked.

  “What happened, Nora?” Marguerite asked, her pretty young face worried as she looked down at Ben.

  I shook my head and said nothing. I did not want to tell her that I had caused this. I might have saved him from a worse fate, but it was because of me he felt the pain of a broken leg, and it was possible he would face the life of an outcast once more.

  I did not dare ask Lady Penelope if Ben would have to quit the Order. I knew it would be too painful for him.

  Amir waved them away, quietly dismissing them. He did not seem eager to talk with me while they were there, and when they were gone, Amir put aside his medical tools to focus on me. “I finished sewing up Ferdy’s arm for you. He’s resting now in the room beside yours. He’s a good patient, despite the pain he was in. He was eager to talk with me in Arabic, if you can believe it.”

  “I can believe it.” I smiled ruefully. I wondered if most of those Arabic exchanges involved foul language or curses. “Thank you.”

  “He should be the one to thank you, for taking care of his wound as quickly as you did. It was good to get it wrapped up quickly. I didn’t see any infection or pus, but we will have to watch it to see if there’s any part of the bullet still in there.”

  I nodded. “I’m just glad he will be well.”

  “And you?”

  “I don’t have any injuries.”

  “Your heart is still tender from the many things we experienced,” Amir replied quietly. “You should go rest.”

  This time, I shook my head. “I don’t think I can. I feel so terrible about what happened. If I had done things differently, Ben’s leg wouldn’t be broken again.”

  “He will likely be angry with you for a while yet, but he still loves you. He told me about how it broke the first time. I know from my own experience that the heart will win out in the long run.”

  I wondered if he was thinking of Nassara, or if he was thinking about my mother.

  “Everything in your life will circle back around to what you love,” Amir said. “Even if you deny your heart, your heart does not go away. That is why everyone lies, everyone has secrets, and everyone has regrets.”

  “I certainly have regrets today.”

  A moment passed before Amir took my hand, holding my palm against his scar. “Listen to me, Eleanora. Your mother left me, and it broke me.”

  The spell of my own sadness was broken as Amir knelt before me. His eyes met mine.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m sorry she left you. Even if I am only here because she did.” I tightened my hands around his, wishing I could will away the scar on his hand and the deeper scars on his heart.

  Amir surprised me by shaking his head. “No,” he whispered. “I deserved it. She was right to leave me. I loved her, but I was not worthy of her. I did not stay by her side when she needed me the most—when she needed me to stand up to your grandmother.”

  “You don’t have to tell me this,” I said, unsure of how this related to anything at all.

  “I am telling you this because I know Naděžda wanted a different life for you and Ben. She wanted to quit the Order and have a family and a chance at a normal life.”

  “That is not what happened.”

  “No. Your grandmother strongly objected to our relationship. She was quite furious with me for a long time.” Amir looked away again. “We only reconciled after Naděžda was lost at sea and we could finally lay the past to rest and attempt for a separate peace between us.”

  “She still thinks you’re only here to betray her.” I thought of that night in the carriage, before Amir had disappeared after Ferdy’s traveling coach as it made its way to Silesia.

  “Lady POW has trouble when it comes to her own heart. I don’t imagine that feeling of hers will ever go away. I’m telling you to go and tend to your heart now partially because of her. I think her heart has been broken quite a bit, and I do wonder sometimes if she prefers it that way.”

  He patted my hand. “I do not want to see that be your fate, Eleanora. And I know for certain your mother would not want that, either.”

  My mother apparently would not want me in the Order at all, from what I knew. I had chased her memory, only to find myself disappointing it.

  I was not the only one who had disappointed her, I thought, looking back at Amir. I did wonder why he had refused to leave the Order with her, especially given how much he clearly still loved her.

  “What is it?” Amir asked.

  I squeezed his hand back. “Máma would have been happy to meet Nassara.”

  Earlier, I had seen Amir fight and take down enemies, but when I said his daughter’s name, he crumpled. He buried his head in his hands for a long moment. When he looked up, he was mostly back to his usual self, aside from the swelling tears in his eyes.

  “Your mother wanted a different life for her children,” Amir said. “She did not want to be a part of the Order. Lady POW reminded her before she went off to Prague that death or defeat is the only true way to be free.”

  “But she found a way,” I said. “She quit.”

  “As I said, where your love is, your life will follow. She met your father and they married, and Ben came shortly after.” Amir’s light tone hid the majority of his bitterness.

  “I heard Lumiere tell me she stayed with my father because of Ben.”

  “It was likely the truth.” Amir grimaced. “She had already lost one child. She did not want to lose another. And, from what I know, she did love your father.”

  “She still missed you.” I thought of the miniature portrait of Amir I had found tucked away in my mother’s locket.

  “One day I will see her again. And when I do, I would be remiss if I did not help you find the life you are looking for. Naděžda would be most upset with me, and her temper is worse than your own.”

  Amir’s attempt at levity fell flat as I thought about Ferdy. The Order was nothing like I thought it would be, but if I was loyal only to the truth, then Amir was right. And the truth was, I love
d Ferdy. I had tried to forget about him, I had tried to lose him, and I had tried to protect him.

  “Everyone has secrets, everyone lies, and everyone has regrets.” Amir put his hand on my shoulder affectionately. “But there are some regrets you can live with, and others you can’t.

  He nodded toward the door. “Love is always a risk, but I don’t believe you should step back from embracing it. It is a regret you will never forgive yourself over. Now, please go and tend to your beloved. It will help heal the wounds in your own heart.”

  He was speaking from his own experience, and I knew that in offering me the lesson of my mother’s life, Amir was trying to protect me, too.

  “You’re right. I have to go,” I said. “Excuse me.”

  After one last look at Ben, watching him sleep so uncomfortably in his bed with his leg wrapped up. I hurried away, allowing Amir to resume his work in peace.

  He is a good doctor, I thought. A good doctor for the body as well as the soul.

  I headed across the manor with quiet steps, feeling the angst in my chest. It seemed to grow and then shrink, before it dissolved and only my resolve was left behind.

  The door to the room beside mine clicked gently as I opened and closed it. For a small moment, I stood there, with my back against the door as I looked at him on the bed.

  He was flipping through a book, sitting propped up with a stack of pillows. His injured arm, wrapped up in thick bandages, was resting off to the side, almost as an afterthought. At my arrival, he turned to face me, giving me the same old flippant grin. “Ella.”

  And then, all of a sudden, I was running to him.

  I nearly fell into his lap as I climbed up next to him. My lips found his as I carefully, desperately clung to him.

  Ferdy responded to me at once; he wrapped his good arm around me, keeping me close as I braced my hands on his chest. His body was warm beneath his shirt. As my fingers curled into the dirty, rumpled fabric, I thought I could hear his heart begin to pound.

  I felt him flinch as he moved his injured arm, but his mouth never left mine as we kissed, over and over and over again. For long moments, we stayed there, reveling in the certainty between us, marveling at the undeniable longing and irresistible response.

  “Ferdy.” His name escaped me between breaths as I pulled back from him. For a silent second I felt him still, and I could almost hear his mind wonder if I was going to pull away from him again, as I had so many times before.

  Instead, I leaned into him even further. I would not leave him. I would not be able to bear that regret, and I knew it. I could no longer lie to myself about that.

  “I love you,” I whispered.

  “I love you, too.”

  The wanting I had felt before, the ache I had for him, instantly transformed into need. I needed to feel the warmth of his skin, to taste the wonder of his kiss; my body shook with tension, forced between forbidden desire and moral constraints. As each second passed, I found myself drowning in flames, and more convinced I would enjoy such a fate.

  It was only when Ferdy cupped my cheek, and I felt the wetness of my tears between us, that he eased back from me.

  “Ella.” Ferdy’s voice was husky with passion as he whispered my name. “Everything is well now. We are safe. You saved us.”

  “No,” I choked. “No, you are the one who saved me.”

  “I don’t know if I would call getting kidnapped the same thing as saving you.”

  “No, that’s not it.” I lowered my eyes, letting my gaze fall to his bandages.

  “What is it then?”

  “I thought, in joining the Order, I would do something worthy. It was something my mother did once. I wanted to be free, but if I couldn’t be free, fighting for her was something I could stand for.”

  Ferdy held on to me tightly as I continued to ramble, trying to put my muddled thoughts into a decipherable manner.

  “My mother resigned from the Order because of love. I joined the Order for her, to make her proud, and to protect others.”

  “Which you have done,” Ferdy said.

  “But ...” I sighed. “If I truly want to honor her, I should leave, as she did.”

  My eyes met Ferdy’s in the dim light. I leaned in and kissed him again, tasting the fun and freedom I had found before, even as it was buried underneath the memories of our evening and hints of lavender and mint.

  Ferdy’s lips grazed my neck as his hand slid down my body before resting on my hips. As the heat simmered between us, I knew why my mother left the Order. She had wanted her freedom, but she had wanted love more. My father was not her first love, or even the most passionate. But he was the one she chose. She wanted to be with him and start a family with him, even if that meant forsaking her mother—and her mother’s expectations.

  I pulled back from Ferdy again, panting as I struggled to catch my breath. “Now all I want is to be with you, Ferdy. I don’t want a life where I have to give you up.”

  “That’s not true.”

  I stilled at his comment. “What do you mean? Of course that’s true.”

  “Ella, chérie, please understand. I am flattered, but I know you want more than that. You honor your mother by choosing to follow your own heart. There is no need for you to live her life for her. But I know you want to protect others. I know you want to be there for your brother and your other friends.”

  “Not if it means losing you.”

  His fingers traced my lips tenderly. “You could not lose me if you tried. But you are not the only one that must make a sacrifice when it comes to love.”

  He kissed me deeply, letting his lips slide over mine once more. “Let me be with you. Let me make that sacrifice, and we can be together.”

  “What are you talking about?” I asked, inexplicably overwhelmed.

  “I love you, Ella. I can’t remember a time when I haven’t. I’ve wanted to be with you for the longest time. Let me stay with you and keep you as mine.”

  “I couldn’t leave you if I tried.” And that was true. I had tried, and I knew it was hopeless. The days of distancing myself from him, trying to forget him, were over, like a bad dream.

  Despite his injury, Ferdy bounced beneath me. “Excellent. I was legitimately worried I would have to fight Karl for the right to marry you.”

  “Marry me?” My mind was still full of passion’s fog as Ferdy arched up against me. I gasped at the sudden movement.

  “Of course I will,” Ferdy said. “As soon as possible.”

  I held onto him. “Are you sure you want to?”

  “I’m sure I want you.” He cupped my cheek again, wiping away another stray tear—a happy one this time. “I want you most of all. Why do you think I’ve been asking if I can keep you?”

  And then he kissed me again. I lost myself in it, and in him, as time slipped by in slower seconds. I barely recovered as Ben burst into the room. At the sight of my brother, barely recovered from our earlier battle, balancing on his new crutch while his leg hobbled behind him in a cast, I practically flew off of the bed.

  “They’re coming for her,” he said. “They’re coming for Lady POW.”

  Hurriedly, I smoothed down my hair and straightened out the wrinkles in my dress. “Who? Who’s coming for her? And why are you out of bed? Your leg—”

  “Amir said if I used the crutches I could walk. The medicine still prevents me from feeling a lot of pain,” Ben said. “And besides, this is an emergency, Ella.”

  My brother calling me “Ella” said everything to me about how he felt. He was upset with me again, and I was unable to do anything to rectify our relationship now. Before I could say anything else, Ben glared at Ferdy.

  “Your castle guards are here. The police came too, and now they want to take her to the king. She was fighting with them when Xiana came to get me.”

  Ferdy sat up with a sigh. “I guess I have to give the news of my surprising return and Karl’s disappearance to my parents anyway.”

  I nodded quickly,
hurrying to grab Ferdy’s coat and prepare myself. As we headed out, Ben grabbed Ferdy’s injured arm.

  “You can explain yourself on the way there,” Ben growled.

  Ferdy twitched in pain but gave my brother a smile. “Absolument, my good sir.”

  “Ben, let him go. That’s where he got hurt,” I said.

  “He knows,” Ferdy told me. “But it is better for me to forgive him. After all, we are going to be sharing a lot of adventures together from now on, mon frère.”

  Ferdy gave me that smile of his—reckless and risky, ever the irresistible man I loved. “Isn’t that right, Ella?”

  Ben rolled his eyes. “Just hurry up. I have to tell Harshad. You’ll meet Amir and Lady POW at the stables.”

  Ferdy waited until he was gone from the hallway before he chuckled. “Well, I knew that wouldn’t be easy. But I bet I’ll still have an easier time winning him over than your grandmother.”

  Despite everything, I laughed. The sound was still echoing in the halls as Ferdy leaned over and kissed me again, allowing me one last reprieve from reality before we set out to face the world’s trouble once more.

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