Alexandria: A Novel

by Paul Kingsnorth

  welcome Swaller home!

  then we waited.

  still, standin, circled round Pole, feet rooted. we wait, listnin for sounds from fenn.

  after some time we hear it. plashin from Waters, comes closer. soft sound, Waters open to let spirits through. we can not see what happens in fenn as fyr is before us blindin our eyes and night is down now. beyond fyr it is blak.

  then we see shapes. movin slow toward us.

  fannin across width of open place, nine of them, we see them move slow and unsteady like walkin Trees comin to us, movin slow and swayin, shimmrin, rustlin. not speakin, no sound from any mouth they may have, but like dead things come bak from other world to ours, they come now in to light of fyr.

  even knowin what we do, we draw breath in and steppin bak away from what has come to us this night. we know it is our men and yet it is not. they are become some thing greater than any thing they could be unmasked.

  figures stand before us, line of nine and as one they begin hummin. low sound at first, then buildin up, deeper and higher all as one, each of them swayin now and hummin different tone. spirits of those who fly, those gone, come bak from fenn to circle here on Swaller Day. beins of rush and cord, skins of bark sewn with vine. Notweed and leafs are their bodies and arms, woven Flax their legs, their eyes shell from fenn Mustles, great cones on their heads of Yam tendrel and Brambel. great biks of wood, hands and feet painted with Wode and Flax, swayin like bushes, like Trees, like beasts from below ground to tune of their own sound.

  then one by one spreadin out, hummin goes on, and they begin to walk around Pole and fyr. womyn form small circle, facin out, nekid with mother at our centre, great Lady speakin through her, flames flikkrin still and spirits now movin faster and then faster, still hummin, circlin Pole for all life is in shape of circle and faster now and faster and hummin growin higher and deeper. now they are runnin and now we womyn too are circlin and we sing now, sing song of Swaller and Altros and mother raises her hands to Sky and then She is here. She is come!

  She is come. great fearful beautiful presence i have felt before, felt at me woman becomin and always fearin and need.

  great Lady is come among us, and spirits move faster, runnin now, runnin in circle and womyn sing and spirits hummin and now we hear, faint in distance, Birds callin from Greenrok, far out in fenn, callin to their Lady who is around and among us now.

  Swaller is returned. Erth still lives.

  / el

  big dance was creepy i think. all these big Birds runnin round Pole and fyr and mam and mother and all womyn screamin and these big things all hummin. i didnt like it, but mother said Lady did so i just watched from Trees. i was waitin for feast, which came after dance. fyr built up and we all sat around it. we ate Yam and Pike and Taytoes and Notweed and Hoppers and all men and womyn were drinkin froth. womyn had clothes on now and men had Bird costumes off and all were happy.

  there hasnt been any happy here since that time, since Swaller Day last year. that was just before they all went away.

  after food they kept fyr goin, even though it was hot. i dont know why we had fyr, it is always so hot and fyr makes me stikky but mam said it was what we did and to ssh, so i sshd. after fyr we had stories. jame told us stories of giants and piskies, and tale of old shuk and isles haunted by merms and kweens and kings and great holts like ours and what was in them. i loved james stories and he loved tellin them to me and he would make me scream at horrid bits and then smilin with twinkly eyes. i miss him. i still dont know why he went away.

  after stories there was songs and more dancin, and drums comin out and thunder was runnin all through canopy of Trees all night, and Altros Pole dancin in red light of flames. i was eatin dried sugar cayn and dancin with jame and mam was dancin with dada and some times lorenso, and mother and father laughin like they do not laugh now and danced too.

  that was last best time i remember. i dont think any people here laughed since.

  / nzil

  it was not like it had been last year. last year was last true Swaller Day. this year was small and shrunken and that fukkin boy hangin over all. there was no person wanted to do it, but it is custom. miseri hung in air like mist, movin round me new Pole, movin round us all.

  i lit fyr, mother and sfia stood round Pole but there was only me and lorenso to come from fenn, only us to come in cnoo from Water to Land, to approach Pole. i am stuk with this fukkin boy and we must hum and dance, for one moment be not our human selves but vessels for spirits. ah, it was miseri.

  all spirits of those who were here and are gone now, they were around us all as we tried to live like things still worked. jame, donil, asher, susen, momet, jon, bali, lin, lila, all gone to Alexandria and now all standin unvisible round Swan Pole as we moved. so much sadness it is hard movin through. nothin works. no stories now, songs weak, food tastin like sand. i played with el and we laughed and this was bright light in all this grey. me Swan was may be best Pole i have made but none was here to see. even father is gone now, and yrvidian has Dreamed so strong that he lies breathin but not thinkin in Long Hall. he is not long with us now.

  then we will be only five, and with this boy and sfia and all this hell.

  and always we are watched.

  / sfia

  after what happened in Yam plain i knew i had to do this. if red stalker had not come then, at that moment, what would lorenso have said to nzil, or done? then what would happen and what of el? well, this is me makin and i am woman, not girl, and so i knew what to do.

  Swaller Day was so hard, so dark, but we did what was custom. then we sat round fyr and ate and there were songs but not for long for no body had hart for it. and all time in Long Hall yrvidian lay dyin from Dream that took him to some place and he could not come bak. mother will not tell us of this, but her hart is heavy like flood Water. i do not think Lady came in to her tonight. none of us could feel Her. is Lady gone also? has even She departed? are we alone?

  all i wanted was hart beatin near mine but this can not be without all fallin down.

  lorenso and i, when we could, we went in to holt. i told him then we could not be together any time now. i told him that for sake of Edg, for all of us, for all this fragile thing we are, that we could no longer be what our bodies would have. it was hard, and he was unhappy i knew. he said mother had told him same. i said it is right, for el and for nzil and for all of us, for we must hold together.

  i thought he would see. but he is so young, he is boy only. some times i have forgotten this. so taken by him i have been, like girl me self. but he is so young. if i had known what would come i would not have said one thing.

  / lorenso

  runnin, runnin, from holt past Poles, fukkin Poles and all shit around them, and down to fenn and then in. throwin me self in to Water and it does not matter to me if i drown, if i go down to where Atlantis is, to what was here before this rottin place, these fukkin people.

  all me shift is soked and heavy, drags me down but i swim, pullin hard i go out, out, i head towards Moon which is risin now over distant Trees, Moon which plants fingers of silver in blak Water, drags them towards me now, shimmrin round me, halo of night around me shame. Moon will save me. i swim, i pull, it is cold and wonder and i do not care if i go down. fuk her, i do not care.

  of course she would fuk me before she sent me away, of course she would have pleasure of me and then droppin me like some husk, that is who she is, i have always known, this is her and so i am more dumb even than she thinks.

  i am only meat to her.

  i swim, movin out, i will swim until i can not pull more and then i will sink down and be among sunk torrs and old misteries. it is curse bein born here, it is curse bein born. she can find me washed up, half ate by Fish, see how it is for her then.

  i will swim away.

  / el

  some times people will stay up all night on Swaller Day but people were tired this time. i wasnt sleepy but lorenso and mam went away for bit and i was with dada by fyr a
nd he was grumpy. i laid on his lap though and he stroked me hair and i must have gone to sleep. i had dream with big Bird with gold feet and it made lot of noise and when i woke up i was still on dadas lap and lorenso is runnin past shoutin and dada is lookin at him and i sat up and in light of fyr it looked like dada smiled. then he stroked me hair and he said it was time for me to go to bed. i wanted to see Bird again so i let him carry me. it was very noisy. i like bein sleepy.

  / sfia

  mother went after him but he had already gone in to Water and he did not listen if he heard her. she came bak after some time and she would not look at me, only walkin past in this great heat. i did not know he would do that, i told her later, i did not know, i only wanted to end it for sake of Edg. i told her that later when i found her. she was in Long Hall, sitting with yrvidian, who lies on bier now breathin slow. i could not look at him. i only went to speak to her, but she would not listen.

  end it! she said to me, not lookin in me eyes. it should not have begun! it is all fallin now, girl. get away!

  / mother

  look at him. he lies near deth, this old man, he breathes but will not move. where is he? does he wait at gates of city? is he trapped in Dreamin? what will come? he has done this for us, to bring us what we need, to keep us alive and yet we tear our selves apart. he has given all for people who are too small to even see him.

  what will we be now?

  he spoke to me, yrvidian, before he fell bak in to this sleep, he spoke to me like he was in some place not here and not there. he fell and his eyes were closed and i held him and he spoke and then he was gone in Dream again, and now he lies still. but he spoke, in small voice.

  i have wings, he said, i fly.

  some thing happened to his face then, like he tried to break free but could not.

  it is true, he said, so low.

  what is true? i said to him, me lips close to his ear. what is true, dear man?

  he said then, faint:

  Alexandria is fallin.

  / father

  young lorenso lies wet on floor of cnoo, lookin up at me, breathin hard. he looks angry and some other thing.

  well, i said, rowin on, it might have been easier to call me from bank.

  he said nothin, still breathin hard.

  you are in luk that i had not gone far, i said. today was driftin, listnin to Birds, thinkin on me way west. there is Yam if you would like. night will soon dry you, lorenso.

  i am not goin bak, he says, i am never goin bak to that place, i will never look at her again. next time i will drown and you will not be there. may be i will drown her first.

  yes, i said, still rowin, well. that is for other dreams. for now, young man, we go west. eat. it is long trip.

  he sat up, slow, drippin, and he turns round and lookin bak at Edg, leavin us in night now. ahead of us, Moon risin through fingers of blak Trees. behind only dark bank and Swaller fyr flikkrin, grows smaller. i do not look. it pains me to see what i can never be again. all we had built and held. it pains me.

  but lorenso, he keeps lookin until fyr is swallowed by dark and only Moon remains. then he turns and looks ahead and his face gives me nothin, nothin to see.

  chew on stone, lorenso, i say. he looks at me, dark eyed. we move west.

  / el

  morn after Swaller Day i went to see mother. she does not move now from Long Hall. sittin by yrvidian, who lies on bier breathin but not movin. mam says he is ill.

  every one is sad here now but they try to keep it from me. they think i can not see feelins because i am small but i think i can see them better. all they see is in clouds. their heads are full of clouds and they never play.

  i do not want to be adult. holt does not sing to them. Birds are only messengers to them. colour of Sea does not dance in their eyes.

  mother says Wayland wants to take all people from Erth. i wonder why this is bad. she will not tell me. some times i think it sounds good. people make trouble with their words and clouds. always buildin and talkin and doin. some times i sit in me secret den in holt, beyond Cloyster, where i can not hear any people, only sounds of wights rustlin in leafs and Birds over. it is green over me and all around and still and i never want to come bak. it may be if Wayland took every one it would be like this always.

  i go in to Long Hall. mother looks up, seein me come in, waves her hand at me. i sit on her lap. she likes that.

  where did jame go, mother? i say. she looks surprised.

  jame? she says.

  last year, i said, after Swaller Day, jame and all others, asher and donil and momet and all. they all went. where did they go? why have they not come bak?

  she looks at yrvidian for bit. after while she says, Wayland took them.

  where did he take them?

  he took them to Alexandria.

  where is that?

  mother playin then with me hands as i sit on her.

  their thoughts go there, she says, but not their bodies.

  this is like one of james stories, i said. she smiles in strange way.

  yes, she says, yes it is. listen to this story then. i will tell it to you, el. listen now.

  / father

  we rowed far enough to be away from Edg that night, movin in dark still Waters with silver of Moon rollin on them. lorenso said nothin, only lyin in cnoo, some times sittin up lookin round, some times lyin down again. he does not look at me, only lookin round. he has never left Edg, never been in cnoo this long, never goin west. he tries not to look thrylled but he is young and his face not yet mask. there is littel to see here, only holt and fenn and Moon. it is long way to travel yet.

  i am old, rowin is not as it was once. this will be slow trip. many time i ease bak, sittin with paddels in cnoo watchin Birds come and go, listen to plashin of Water on sides of cnoo. green drift of Water comes up and circles us. always i have loved Water.

  after some time we come to bank, pull cnoo on to ground, lay our bark mats to sleep. it does not take long with Ele nets to bring in food. Water here is rich with Ele as it once was dead of all things. life rises fast when humans bow to it.

  it is late but we are hungry. boy is in need of some thing in him to take him away from his thinkin. i gut and cook Eles on small fyr. lorenso and i sittin by Water eatin them on stiks, lookin over mere at Moon risin higher. he has not spoken all day.

  lorenso, i say. speak, boy, or swim home! he looks at me then and wants to smile but he will not.

  Ele is good, he says now.

  is this what you have to say to me? i ask him. i will poke him with stik like Ele until he is caught. he keeps eatin.

  in blood, he says, lookin out at Water, is life. in hart, in body, yes, father? in Ele is life, in me fingers is life? now tell me, what is this body we call out for, old father? what is in this body that we glory in? when i use it, when it leads me, i am killed, father, i am killed in me hart. let me tell you truly for now mother is not here to listen. when i follow me hart, follow me body, follow me blood, i break, father. i break in pieces. so tell me why i would not be better without this body? tell me why i would not be better in Alexandria, happier, truer, as all old ones are? i can live here, eat Eles on damp mud, sleepin on bark, grow old, die. this is what body will do for me. or i could live like all time, live above, never grow old, no body to eat me from within. so tell me, father, for no one has told me ever, no one has ever even let me speak. tell me why i should stay.

  / mother

  she lays her head on me lap. i stroke her hair. if we had ten others like her we would be saved.

  think of some people, i say gently. lots of people, in old times, Atlantean times. think of all these people, so many you could not count them. so many and all so hungry.

  she lies on me lap, breathin and listnin.

  well, i say, these people ate and ate but were never full. they were clever, these people, so clever. think of how clever they were, el. flyin in Sky like Birds with wings they made. speakin over oceans. all that they could think they cou
ld do. but they were always hungry.

  what did they eat? she says.

  all things, i say. Birds and wights, Trees and Clay, air and Water. ate and ate until littel remainin, and then made things of their own to eat. me girl, these were our fathers and mothers. these our ancestors.

  o, she said. she breathes, yrvidian breathes on his bier behind.

  long hunger, then, i say. long hunger and much makin. they made machines to help them with hunger. they made things to grow food faster, to help soil heal faster, but hunger always spread faster than machines could clean or make, hunger like stain on cloth, always spreadin once it is in weft of it. they began makin machines to think for them, think like them. if machines could think like them, machines could stop hunger. machines could fill them.

  did they eat machines? she asks. i laugh some and strokin her hair again.

  they made things like people, me littel girl. they made machines like people, kept tryin and tryin until they made machines that could speak and think. then they made greatest Machine, greatest of all, like great mind, greater than us. this Machine would keep them from hunger but also keep them from deth. this is what they thought. and they were right, girl. they were right.

  / father

  i throw Ele bones in to Water and they sink down in clere sight to bed. throwin Ele stik after it.

  we learn, i said to lorenso, still eatin here beside me, that great Cloyster was planted first. in all of Edg, this place we called home, it was planted of Yoo and Horn and Bow Tree so many eons ago that none knows when. tendin Cloyster has gone on all this time. do you know why?

  he looks at me, still eatin. he is not goin to join this.

  because Cloyster grows in shape of circle, i say. Cloyster shows us what life is. bodies born, bodies grow, bodies die, bodies born again. this is great circle, lorenso. you talk of leavin your body. this is what Wayland will promise you. that red thing in holt, that thing which walks, he seeks you, lorenso. he smells what you want. he will come to you in shape of your longin, for longin is trap we die in. he works for Wayland, he will promise you this eternity, and he will be lyin. there can be no mind without body.