Alexandria: A Novel

by Paul Kingsnorth

  to east then, near me now, i see wite light begin to take and grow stronger. in its shadow, Tree fingers reachin out to Sky. some thing rises. wite light brightens and falls away.

  ah, Lady. i have come, but i am too late.

  / k

  T: What it is like there? In Alexandria?

  K: I cannot tell you.

  T: Why?

  K: Because I do not know. I have never been there. There is a wall between this world and Alexandria. There can be no crossover.

  T: Then how do you know it is not hell? How do you know Wayland does not lie to you?

  K: Wayland cannot lie. It would be an impossibility. As for the city: well, I have seen the history. I have even seen the original plans. I have not been there, yet, but I understand the principles. Alexandria is a republic of souls. It was willed by humans and built by Wayland. It exists to serve a twin purpose: immortality and the achievement of your fullest potential.

  T: Potential. This is what I would say to Sfia but I did not have words. Potential. All we could do, if we had time, space.

  K: Exactly, Lorenso, exactly! Think of Alexandria as an animal, as an organism. Consider the hundred thousand hairs on your head, the forty trillion cells that make up your body, the seventy trillion microbes that inhabit your gut. Each of these tiny individual parts combine to create what you consider to be your self. Together, they build something that none of them could construct on their own. Now, consider Alexandria in the same way. When you ascend, you will lose your body, and you will lose your notion of an individual self. But in exchange you will gain an infinite consciousness, an infinite reach, a span across time; a flavour of knowing which no embodied human can even imagine or touch upon.

  T: I want to go.

  K: Are you sure?

  T: Isn’t this what you want? You have been telling me these things. You came to take me.

  K: I came to offer you a choice. You must be sure before you make it. The consequence of an ascension which is not fully and consciously chosen would be terrible for both of us. I have seen it happen. You must understand, Lorenso: once you leave your body, once you ascend to the city, there is no changing your mind. There is no way back.

  T: I do not want to come back.

  K: You will never see Sfia again. You will never see any of them again. You will never see yourself again, or this Earth. Your understanding of your self will radically change, Lorenso. We do our best to ease the shock, of course. The process is managed, but still it will be a radical shift. Your brain will be copied cell by cell, synapse by synapse. Your short-term memory will be wiped. For a while you will be given a body simulation to ease the shock. Losing the body is a massive psychological jolt which must be managed. But even with all of our care, it will be a kind of death. You will die to your body and your self. You will be reborn as something radically new. Do you understand that, Lorenso?

  T: I do.

  K: Are you sure?

  T: There is nothing for me here. This has been coming all my life. I understand what you say.

  K: And, understanding it, what do you want to do? What do you choose, Lorenso? You must speak it aloud for the Records.

  T: I choose ascension. I choose Alexandria.

  / father

  light falls bak, dyin away, but i see where it came from. i see now where to go and it is not far.

  ah, Lady, i have seen this too many times. i have lived too long.

  i walk on. light of day now becomin steadier. clere place opens up before me.

  i step in to circle.

  lorenso lies on ground, still. always it is as if they have shrunk some how. his mind is gone. i have failed him.

  beside him stands young man. he is lithe, turbaned, his skin unlined, shinin like new light on mere at days dawnin. he wears simple loyn cloth, carryin staff. his beard is new, and his eyes. all futures rollin before him like plains after great struggle over range of hills.

  father, he says to me. welcome. how excellent to meet you.

  i turn and walk away. i will not speak with it, i will not.

  father! he calls after me. you remember me, do you not? you remember the tuggins, father?

  at holts edge i turn, stand. i look at it.

  it is me own eyes lookin bak at me.

  yes, it says, you do remember. you recognise your younger self. you remember our time. chosen as father of your Order, handed this great burden. unsure, divided in your self. ah, old man, you nearly broke away. do you remember? you nearly took that bote, left your burden behind. you stood on that shore, feet in the Wind, you nearly unroped it and fled. what could you have been, old man? where could you have gone, what could you have seen and known if you had not stayed there, proppin up your dyin tribe?

  i look at him, silent. he is silent too. he is around and within me. he sees what i am, but he does not see what he wants.

  we both have our work, i say. you will not turn me from mine.

  i turn then, and walkin bak in to holt.

  fare well, father! it calls after me. until the torr!

  it knows.

  i turn bak again but it is gone.

  / sfia

  i miss him.

  i have tried not to. nzil has been kind since i went to him. some times it is like it used to be with us. some times we sit with el and tell stories as Sun goin down. some times it is as if world will be right one day.

  but still i miss me young man.

  we do not know where he went. he went in to Water and did not return. mother thinks he went west with father, meetin with him, moves with him now. i will believe this, because not to believe it can not be born. he went west. he will grow in wisdom with father as his guide. he will forget me or grow beyond me and this is right. and when we meet again we will smile and all will be well.

  and so i go to Yam plain and i dig. i pik plastik from Clay, some times i fish. i attend Lady Chappel, workin steady, me work is all i am. el is strange with me, like she has pulled away, like there is Water between us. i want to cross Water, i am her mother, so why do i not cross? why do i not speak with her as i could, as i want to but do not? there is some thing in me always that pushes me from path i should walk on.

  Moon is full. last night i walked bak from Yam plain with full basket and there she is, risin over Trees, and in to me then came again fyr of last time i saw Moon this way, lyin with lorenso on edge of mere. i worked to put him away from me and now Moon bringin him bak, full and shinin. well, i took basket home, nzil was sitting with el, he was tellin her story before she slept. i kissed them both and walkin out again, down to mere, to our place.

  Moon callin silent over Water, and on Water now is long silver path, Moon path, leadin west. i cannot go west, i must stay, i have roots, i must stay. but Moon speaks to me. Moon says, sfia, here i am. and then i am takin off me shift, i take it off, lettin it fall to ground and nekid then i stand where once we lay and Moon lookin down on me. Lady sees me, as She did at me woman becomin, as She did when we hunted, as She did when we made love. She makes Moon path down to me now, invited me, callin me soft and low, and i cannot take Moon path, not now, but it is like some offrin is called for, and what do i have to offer but me body?

  at lip of Water then i begin dancin. first i am slow, movin only feet, but soon Moon comes down in to me and i am lightnin, lightnin dancin, shootin down from Sky, shoots down from Moon to Erth, and i am shokked and shaken, now feet barely touchin warm Clay, now me arms like branches of Trees in storm and all body alive as it was when last i lay here, with light of Moon in me, with memory of him in me, and it is not me dances now, it is Moon dancin me, it is body dancin me and it is not dancin now, it is shakin, tremblin, roarin, it is great ecstasy of all that is me and is around me and i can not stop, i did not want to stop and i can not. i dance, i dance, i dance, and all is alive now, all is alive, alive.

  / el

  i always knew there was magik in holt, but i didnt know how much. i am so excited now with what i saw! but i will keep it min
e. what comes in wood is me secret. keepin it in me lokked box, no one takin it.

  i sat by big magik Tree and waited for Robyn. it was morn, mam and dada were at Yam plain, mother in Chappel. i come in to holt just past Cloyster and sittin by Tree. Robyn comes soon if you are quiet. Tree is twisty, has three trunks all curlin up, you can sit in between them and it is like Tree holds you in its hand. i have name for Tree but i will not say it.

  i sat in Tree lookin at big yello Chikkin Shrooms growin on it and soon here comes Robyn and with him, Ren, chukkin and whirrin, both of them hoppin about on their littel legs, heads bobbin about. they are so funny. i want to train Robyn to come and sit on me hand but he wont, yet.

  then sudden Birds just go. they fly up in to canopy and chukkin up there like some thing has scared them. i look around and there in Trees, quite far away but i can still see, is this blak wight. it sits, it is quite big, may be as big as me, it has pointy ears and curlin tail and lookin over at me. i have not seen it before. it has scared Birds off.

  it does not move, only sittin, and it is lookin at me and now i am scared. but then it stands up and it walks away in to Trees. it has fore legs, it is all blak and this curlin tail and i see its eyes now and they are big and yello. it moves so quiet.

  what is it? i wonder this and then, like some one has told me, i know what it is: it is Catt! Catt is here! this is what jame told me they looked like, i remember, and i know this is what it is, though ive never seen one before.

  i did not know Catts comin here at all but this was Catt, it could not be any other thing. Catt!

  i am so excited! no one else in Edg has ever seen Catt here. i liked it. it looked happy. i wonder if it will come bak?

  i am not going to tell any one else. he is me Catt. every day now i am goin to Tree and lookin for him. i would like to stroke him. i wonder if he will let me?

  purr, purr. Catt!

  / father

  there is nothin to be done with him. layin out his body where it fell, gave him some dignity. took leafs from Trees, ivy from holt, windin them around him like he was on bier, like he was green man, grown from Clay he will return to. Birds will find him, and wights. Land will do its work.

  this young man was always burnin, since he was child, always lookin around him and ahead. always wantin more. if i had time i could have slowed him, helped him grow. i did have time, but did not use it well. it is me deth, this, an other deth on me.

  that thing, that red thing, comin to me in that way. i stand strong before them, i always do, but it has shaken me, for i remember. bak then i remember what i knew, what i knew of me own smallness. to make me father of that place, puttin those people in me care, all of this burden. i did not know i could bear it, and i was right to doubt, and if i had taken cnoo and left perhaps an other would have been father and they would have been stronger. so many have left their bodies under me father hood. so many times i have failed. i could have taken that cnoo, goin west, goin north.

  red thing is right. they know. i was not made for this. now Birds takin me west, and what will i find there, will i fail again? so littel is left now.

  once i thought i was given task, thought i had to keep walkin and Way would be shown, would open before me. this is where i have walked. alone in holt, an other body before me as me own, and nothin else to do but keep walkin. this great burden makes me small, and each day growin heavier.

  / el

  it is so cute! i would not have thought so, it was so big when first i saw it, but for two days now i have been goin to Tree where Robyn comes, though Robyn has not come bak, not Ren neither, not since Catt comin.

  but Catt still comes. he comes every day and purrin too! i have heard what purrin sounds like now. it is deep and sleepy and makes me want to lie down on ground and lookin up at Sky through Tree fingers.

  it is third day now and each day he comes closer to me. i am holdin out me hand to him, sayin purr, purr. i want him to come like i wanted Robyn to come. Robyn never comin to me but Catt does, he moves closer. i can see his eyes now, big eyes, yello and slitty. he looks friendly.

  he is very big, it may be as big as me, but i am not scared. i dont know why, i bet he has big teeth. but i am not scared.

  tomorrow i think he will let me stroke him.

  / father

  i left him where he lay. there is nothin to do now but go west. i have orders. things will be shown. i must trust this now, for there is nothin else. there is much more walkin through holt before i come again to Water, where Afan leads to Sea. there will be cnoos there, they will take me to where i was sent. it will be many days yet.

  some hours i walked today until i came here. i do not know what has happened here. i walked for hours through dark holt, then seein light comin through Trees, brighter and clerer as i moved. then steppin out in to this great open space, bigger than any i have seen and all Trees fallen, great trunks all up ended, like some storm has blown through or some great beast ripped them out as he passes. there is no sign of what made this.

  Moon is out now, washin silver across this strange plain of dead things. as Moon rose, as night settled, i sat and spoke thanks to Birds and Lady for life of lorenso. i sat and followed his life bak, from man through boy to child to infant. so many pictures comin, and as i stepped bak, more came. they did not stop at his birth, they went bak further, to me own life, to me young man time and then beyond, then before me birth, and now it was not me with memories, it was some other thing takin me, and i gave me self to it.

  now i was in long house and inside long house is ceremony. blu smoke, elders and children seated, story bringer, drum of skin. antlered man standin in shadows. ring of children dancin, spread with flowers. young girl is bein made here but i can not reach, can not step through. i knew this was true Way, great Way, this was how to be human. once we ran from it, but it was always here, and we could still taste it. it is not in time and place, it is within and so we are never alone unless we choose. and i saw that we did choose, we chose human songs alone and they are not enough because we can not sing alone, we need to sing with all other things, singin in old song. and here is old song, waitin unsung in all our bodies and is this why they flee their bodies, because old song brings them fear? ah, but without their bodies they can not sing. in Alexandria there must be no song. no song, no dance, no old speech. nothin but humans, alone for ever.

  and then beyond door, outside long house in Moon light i see long line of people, stretchin bak, stretchin bak through all their shapes, down and along, bak and past, bak to where time began, bak to when we were wights, bak in long dark line stretchin in to Sea, and i saw that it was good.

  i will sleep this night.

  / el

  i dont know what it was. i dont know what happened but it is all ruined with Catt and me now. i was cryin for long time. i am so sad about Catt. it was me dream. i thought we would be friends.

  mam and dada are helpin me but they do not know what was inside me. i only wanted to stroke him. i only wanted new friend. secret friend.

  i went in to holt like before, like every day, went to Catt and Robyns place. Catt was there, comin close this time, closer than ever, and i knew he would let me stroke him. he was so big and gentle, his eyes so friendly, but then when i put out me hand he was not there at all. some thing else was there, person in strange red clothes and he reached out his hand to me and he says, hello, el.

  i screamed, i think.

  / k

  Ascension 480-K

  L: Albion Q14 – Nitria/Holland – #19 ‘El’

  TD: Alexandria 237483830202/6987

  Result: Failure

  Transcript follows

  She was initially shocked at my appearance. This is not unusual in the young; immature ascensions are a major challenge. I offer this observation as a partial explanation for the result. Or perhaps an excuse. I apologise. I am frustrated. I blame myself.

  It will not happen again.

  *

  K: Don’t be scared, El. I haven
’t come to hurt you. I know I look strange! But look: I’ll step back. See? I’m not going to do you any harm.

  Target: Where is cat?

  K: The cat has gone, El. I’m his friend. My name is K.

  T: Who are you? Why are you called that?

  K: Names are funny, aren’t they? I am not from this place, so I have a different name. I look different to you as well.

  T: What do you look like?

  K: I can take my hood down if you like, but I might look a bit strange to you.

  T: I don’t mind.

  K: Well, you are a brave girl, aren’t you? I know you’re brave. My cat and I have been watching you.

  T: Have you?

  K: I always keep an eye on him. I don’t want him to get lost. He is sweet, isn’t he? You know, El, I think you are braver than most adults to come out here and make friends with him.

  [Target does not respond.]

  K: I’m going to take my hood down now. Ready?

  [Target steps back several places but does not flee. She is remarkably robust for her age.]

  K: I told you I looked funny, didn’t I?

  T: What’s wrong with your face? You don’t look like person.

  K: I’m just a different kind of person. Would you like me to tell you something about the place I come from?

  T: What place is that?

  K: It’s a very nice place. You know, El, there are a lot of places in this big world that you have never seen or been told about.

  T: I like it here. I like holt and robin and I like mere. I go all over and wights and birds play with me.

  K: It is very nice here. Still, the world is very big. Have you ever wanted to see any of the other places?

  T: What other places?

  K: The world is very big, like I said. There used to be all sorts of different kinds of people in all sorts of different places. There are not so many now. But there is one place I know which is full of people, and they can do all sorts of amazing things. Do you want to know the best thing about it?