“No, you are.” He chuckles. “Everybody knows.”
Yet, Sadie still just stole my date.
I’m feeling more pathetic every second that passes.
I look at Jeremy, thoughtfully. “Are you an actor too?”
“I’m a model.” He grins then shrugs. “Acting isn’t really my thing. I tried it and I sucked.” He laughs as if remembering something.
I just nod and look away as I take another sip of my drink. I suddenly want this party to be over now. I was having such a great time dancing with Derek. We should have kept dancing.
I find myself looking at them again. They’re talking like old friends. I hope that’s all it is, talking. I’m not one of those crazy, jealous girlfriends but I am not going to pretend that I don’t get jealous whenever my boyfriend or the guy I like is speaking to another girl. Jealousy usually creeps up on me like a headache; slowly, until it’s too painful to ignore. I’m usually really good at hiding it. The last thing I want is for people to think I’m crazy or jealous, especially when I know everyone’s waiting to see what I do. I don’t want to give them a reaction.
Thankfully, I’m good at keeping my feelings bottled up inside.
“They’ve been friends since forever,” Jeremy says next to me, watching them like I am.
I look down at my drink.
“They always do this, you know?” He continues before I can stop him. “They’re together until they get tired of each other and then time passes and they see each other again and before anyone knows it, they’re back together.”
I shift my weight on my right foot, uncomfortably.
“Sorry,” He says and he sounds genuine but that doesn't make me feel better.
“You’re saying that they’re going to get back together,” I say slowly, looking up at him.
He shrugs. “It’s what they do.”
It’s what they do, the words repeat in my head.
“But it might be different with you,” He says quickly. “You seem very down to earth. God knows Derek could use some of that.”
So what am I now? Therapy to Derek? Just a temporary girlfriend until he finds his way back to his ex?
I drink what’s left of my drink and set it on the bar then I smile at Jeremy. “It was nice to meet you. Excuse me.”
I walk away without waiting for a response.
He said more than I needed to hear.
25. someone else
I don’t really know where to go. I just know that I don’t want to be outside. I’m not in the mood to party anymore.
I look down at my feet as I make my way into the house and up the stairs. There is no one upstairs; I’m sure Derek has some rule about not coming up here. I’m glad because I don’t feel like being around people. I go into the guest room where I stayed the other night. I see my bag on the couch. I keep the light off and open the curtains then I lay on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. The moonlight comes in through the window, illuminating the room.
I can still hear the music and commotion going on downstairs but it’s not like I’m trying to sleep.
I think about the last time I encountered jealousy. It was when I was with Kevin. He had a friend at the gym he would occasionally mention in conversation, but it wasn’t until I saw him with her one night after their workout that I felt jealous. She was perfectly fit with toned arms and abs in her stomach. She was very attractive and I suddenly didn’t like that Kevin saw her almost every day of the week.
It’s so stupid how we get jealous of people that are prettier than us as if cheating on souls didn’t exist. Yes, cheating physically is horrible. I think it’s worse when someone cheats on you emotionally. When they talk to someone and tell them things they’ve never told you. When they grow a connection with someone that they can’t explain to you. To me, that is cheating too.
I wish I was one of those girls that don’t get jealous. Or do we all just pretend that we don’t?
I lay on my side and face the other side of the room. I wish I was sleepy but my eyes are wide awake. Sleep can’t relieve me right now.
I don’t know how much time passes before I hear the door behind me open. Light comes in through the crack and I panic for a moment, wondering who it can be, but I don’t move.
“Gin?”
I hear Derek close the door. I feel his presence. I consider pretending I’m asleep but I don’t want to. I won’t get any sleep without talking to him first.
“Are you asleep?” He asks, closer to the bed now.
“No,” I say without moving.
“I was looking everywhere for you,” He says as he walks around the bed. “I thought you had left.”
“I just got tired.” I lie.
He sits at the end of the bed, next to my legs. “Are you angry at me?” He asks softly after a moment.
I gulp then I sit up, facing him. The room is dark, except for the moonlight. It’s hitting the side of his face, his blue eyes look like they’re glowing. We look at each other for a moment. I don’t really know what to say. At the end of the day, there is just one thing I want to know.
“You’re not over her, are you?” I ask, looking into his eyes.
He reaches out and places his arm around my waist, then he pulls me closer to him until our faces are inches apart. “Gin, you’re my girlfriend. I’m with you. I may be a lot of things but I am not a cheater.”
“Who said anything about cheating?”
A frown appears on his forehead. “Well, isn’t that what you’re worried about?”
I speak without thinking. “I’m worried about falling for someone that is still in love with someone else.”
His eyes soften and he reaches out and puts a strand of hair behind my ear. “I know I can be a complete douche. I don’t always make the right decisions but I always know what I want and right now, you’re who I want to be with. You’re who I want, Gin.”
He runs his thumb across my jaw as he pauses. “I can’t promise you a fairytale but I can promise my loyalty to you.”
His words are obviously something every girl wants to hear but there’s something about them that don’t make me feel any more sure about this. I should walk away. I should stand up and grab my bag and catch a taxi to my apartment and forget all about Derek Collins.
The problem is that I know I could never go back to how it was before he came into my life. I know I won’t ever forget him and this makes me realize that, somehow, I’ve began to fall for him. This should make me want to leave even more but I don’t want to leave. I don’t want him out of my life. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and know what it’s like to live without him.
“Please stay with me, Gin,” He says softly when I don’t say anything. His eyes are full of desire and I allow myself to think that it’s for me. He runs his thumb across my lower lip and I press my lips against it.
It’s the only invitation he needs. He leans in and presses his lips against mine. At the same time, his arm around my waist tightens and he pulls me over to him. I end up on his lap, straddling him. Our kiss is slow and hot. Our tongues explore each other’s mouths in perfect unison. My hands caress the back of his neck and his strong shoulders. I can hardly believe that this man is kissing me and touching me with so much desire. I’ve never felt anything like this.
I place my hands on his chest and then we both pull his jacket off without opening our eyes, without losing the rhythm of our lips.
Without thinking, my fingers begin to unbutton his shirt and then he’s shirtless and we’re out of breath. I place my forehead on his chest as we try to catch our breath. I place my hands on his waist; his skin is warm and smooth under my palms. He’s so perfectly sculpted.
He leans in and presses his lips on the crook of my neck and then I feel his tongue and I straighten up and run my hands through his hair as he kisses his way down my collarbone. He reaches out and pulls the dress strap down my shoulder and he continues to kiss my bare skin.
I’ve forgotten where we a
re and why we’re here and everything that’s happened. All I care about is how good his tongue feels on my skin. I feel the urgency to feel it everywhere.
His hands travel to my back and his fingers find the zipper of my dress.
“Is this okay?” he asks, moving his head so he can look at me.
I nod then I place my hand on his arm and he stops and looks at me. “Just remember my body is not perfect.”
A crooked smile appears on his handsome face and he kisses my lips then touches my nose with his. “It is to me, Gin.”
“You haven’t seen it.” I point out making him chuckle.
He clenches his jaw as he looks at me. “I’ve undressed you many times in my head.” He admits in a low voice that makes me stop breathing.
He pulls the zipper of my dress down my back slowly and I feel the dress loosen around me as it spreads open. He reaches out and pulls it down my chest until it’s down my stomach, as far as it can go down. The only thing covering my chest is my strapless bra and I watch as Derek looks at me. I feel this need for him to like what he sees.
He crashes his lips against mine in response and this time, the kiss is more urgent. The room is filled with the sound of our kissing. And then it’s the sound of him kissing his way down my chest. I close my eyes and pull my head back when I feel his lips on the top part of my right breast. He places a wet kiss there and then on the other one.
His hand travels to my back again and he unhooks my bra expertly, freeing my breasts.
In a panic, my hands go on top of the bra before it falls off and Derek looks at me with a worried look on his face.
“Should I not have done that?” He asks worriedly.
No. Yes. Yes, I wanted him to do that. I’m just suddenly so insecure of my body. It’s a foreign feeling to me. I learned to love my curves and thighs and imperfect body back in high school, when I realized that this is my body so I better love it if I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being an insecure woman. But ever since I saw Derek shirtless that other day…seeing how perfect his body really is, it made me self-conscious of my body. He’s probably used to all of these perfect bodies. I mean, look at his ex-girlfriend for God’s sake.
All of these thoughts run through my head as he waits for me to answer. I don’t want to tell him all of this because I don’t want to ruin the mood. I don’t want him to stop what he’s doing. So I decide I need to summarize my feelings into a sentence.
“I just…” I purse my lips, nervously. “…I don’t want you to be disappointed.”
“You couldn’t possibly disappoint me, Gin,” He says softly. “But I don’t want you to be uncomfortable. Should I stop?”
I shake my head so fast, I blush in embarrassment. Thank God the room is dark.
He smiles then presses his lips against mine. “Can I ask you something personal?” He asks resting his forehead on mine.
I nod slowly.
He touches my cheek. “Are you a virgin, Gin?”
His question makes me smile and almost want to laugh. I don’t think I was this paranoid when I had sex for the first time. I’m officially embarrassed. “No, I’m not.” I tell him, looking into his eyes. “But I’ve only been with one man and his body wasn’t nearly as perfect as yours.”
He grins, obviously pleased with what I just said. “That’s the best compliment anyone has ever given me.”
I roll my eyes at him. “I forgot your ego is at capacity.” I joke.
He chuckles then leans in to kiss me. We kiss for a moment before he pulls away. “I want to kiss you,” He says against my lips, his blue eyes burning with desire. “Is that okay with you?”
I want to tell him that it’s more than okay but I can’t find my voice, so I just nod.
He places his hands on my thighs. “Why don’t you get on your knees for me?”
I let the bra fall to the floor then place my hands on his shoulders as I kneel in front of him on the bed, my knees are on either side of him and I realize that he wanted me in this position because now he’s at eye-level with my chest.
Derek places his hands on my bare waist as he looks at my chest and then he leans in and puts my left nipple in his mouth.
I hate to think about Kevin right now but I can’t help but compare. In all the times that we had sex, it never felt nearly as good as feeling Derek’s mouth on my breast. It makes my insides explode and a moan escapes from my throat involuntarily. I can’t help but wonder what having sex with Derek would feel like if him kissing me alone is making me feel things I’m almost too ashamed to feel.
He sucks on my breast then kisses his way across to the other one. I shut my eyes and allow myself to feel the pleasure.
I’m so into it that I don’t see the bedroom door open until the light hits my eyes and I gasp. I feel Derek’s hands on my waist as he stands up and pulls me against his chest, shielding me with his body.
“Get the fuck out, now.” I hear him say angrily though gritted teeth.
“Fuck, sorry, man,” I hear a guy say and then the door closes shut. The room is dark again. I can feel my heart beating fast against my chest.
“I’m sorry, Gin,” Derek says reaching for his shirt on the bed. He turns around and places it on my shoulders. “I should have locked the door.”
I put my arms through the sleeves and Derek reaches out to button the shirt. I smile, feeling flushed and hot. “It’s okay. Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this with a full house.”
I had forgotten about the party which is still going on full force by the sound of it.
He smiles at me. “You’re right.” He places his hand around my waist and presses me closer to him. “What a shame. I was just getting started.” His eyes sparkle mischievously.
“Uh, wow, okay.” I laugh, nervously.
He chuckles then kisses me. “What should we do now?”
I look up at him. “Aren’t you going back to the party?”
“No,” He says, putting a strand of hair behind my ear. “I want to stay here with you.”
I smile. “Should we lay down?”
“Whatever you want,” He says against my lips.
He walks to the door and locks it while I pull my dress down to my ankles, leaving me in my underwear and Derek’s shirt. He unbuckles his belt and takes his pants off. Then we both get under the covers. We lay on our sides. I face the window and he lays behind me, his arm is firm around my waist.
He kisses my shoulder. “Goodnight, Gin.”
I smile. “Goodnight, Derek.”
I realize that this is the first goodnight that we don’t part ways. I hope it’s the first of many.
26. like magnets
SADIE
My story with Derek began with a look and a smile.
It sounds like something out of a movie. I’ve acted that scene myself a couple times in my acting career. It was eight years ago. We were both seventeen and dipping our toes in the modeling world. It was at a fashion show in Paris. He was one of the models and I was sitting in the front row of the left side of the runway.
Derek was a professional, even back then at the early phase of his career, so he kept his focus as he walked down the runway and looked straight ahead. I, on the other hand, got to enjoy the show.
It was at the after party when I was standing with a couple of my friends and he was with his friends, a few feet away. I think we both looked up at the same time and our eyes locked instantly. His lip quirked up in a smile and he raised his glass in the air for me. I smiled and looked away, but I could feel his eyes on me for the rest of the night.
A look and a smile.
That’s all it took for our story to begin.
We were dating within a week of that party. We kissed on our first date and we had sex on our three-month anniversary. We were inseparable after that…in a way, we still are.
We’ve been on and off for the past eight years. The last time that we got back together was three years ago. We were together for three years before we b
roke up a few months ago. Before that, it was over a year and I don’t really remember anything before that.
Derek and I are like magnets. We are always drawn to each other no matter what and no matter how much time passes.
It’s almost as if we have to break up in order for us to remember how good we are together.
We’re always on each other’s radars. He watches my Instagram stories, I watch his. He likes my pictures, I like his. I think about him, he thinks about me…
Last night, we clicked instantly as soon as we were able to talk alone, just like we do every time. We’ve sort of followed this routine. We get together. We break up. We see other people. We get back together and the cycle begins again. Some people may call it toxic, but it’s exciting us. Why else would we keep repeating it?
DEREK'S MATCH Page 18