Sadie and Jeremy and everyone else was right after all—I was just a pastime. A game. A favor.
I wish he would just announce that he and Sadie are back together because at least I would know. It would hurt like hell, but at least I would have closure. I would start to move on. But I can’t do that right now. It feels like everything is on pause.
Work is the only reason I know what day of the week it is. It’s the only reason I know it’s been sixteen days since I last saw him, since I last spoke to him. Sixteen days of torture and wonder and pretending I’m okay when I know I’m not.
Sixteen days of waiting.
Sixteen days of silence.
It feels like I can’t do it anymore. I have to find a way to move on. I have to create my own closure. I can’t live like this. It’s torture.
I wish I had school to distract me but it’s summer break. There’s no school until fall. I just have work and sleep, if I can find any.
This is horrible. When I imagined falling in love, I imagined happiness and smiles and laughter and just pure bliss. Love isn’t supposed to be torture. It’s not supposed to make you cry. It’s not supposed to drain all the hope out of you. It’s supposed to be the exact opposite. I guess this is what happens when you love someone that doesn’t love you.
It’s really pathetic of me to still hope that Derek chooses me when I know he doesn’t love me.
I’m in deep deep.
And it hurts.
On Tuesday, the sixteenth day since I last saw Derek, I have the night off. No one was offering to give up their hours so I’m stuck with a day off. I slept for most of it. But now it’s ten at night and I’m wide awake, watching romantic movies while eating chocolate and feeling sorry for myself.
A knock on the door makes me freeze.
I always just ignore any knocking until they go away but I can’t do that tonight because I want to hope.
Hope it’s him.
I stand up and tip toe to the door just as there’s a second knock. I lean in and peek through the hole on the door. It’s dark, except for the light on the side of the door. My heart skips a beat when I realize that it is Derek.
I take a step back, suddenly not feeling ready for this conversation.
I scan the living room to make sure it’s presentable then I look down at what I’m wearing. Leggings with a long sleeve blouse. Not bad. It’s basically what I wear every day. I take a deep breath, then reach out and unlock the door.
Derek looks up when I open it and our eyes meet for the first time in sixteen days.
He looks tired. There are visible dark circles under his eyes that weren’t there the last time I saw him. He’s wearing jeans with a red hoodie and black running shoes. His blue eyes soften when they meet mine and then he half smiles but it looks sad. “Hi, Gin.”
I want to jump into his arms and shut the door and hide in my room at the same time. This could be the beginning of something or…the end of everything.
“Derek,” I say slowly. “Uh, come on in.” I open the door wider and step to the side.
“Thank you,” He says as he steps inside. He’s standing right in front of me now and we look at each other.
I can’t fight against it anymore. I reach out and put my arms around his waist. He wraps his arms around me tightly and embraces me close to him.
I look over his shoulder and stare at the wall. I feel nervous and scared.
Please be here to tell me you choose me.
Please.
We pull away and I close the front door.
“I thought you were in Miami,” I say slowly as I turn to face him.
“I was,” He says looking at me. “I actually have to catch a plane back in two hours.”
I try to hide my disappointment. He’s not staying.
“How’s filming going?”
“Great,” He says. “I barely get any sleep but it’s fun.”
“That’s good,” I say and try to smile.
My smile fades slowly as silence fills the room. The tension is so thick, it feels like I can’t breathe. I want to turn around and open the door but I don’t move. This silence isn’'t good. I know it in my gut, but I’m still trying to cling to that very thin thread of hope.
Derek takes a step forward, close to me. He raises his hand and touches my hair as it rests on my shoulders. I stop breathing when he brushes his fingers against my jawline.
I want him to kiss me.
Before he says anything else, I want to feel his lips against mine one more time.
“I want to kiss you” He says in a low voice. His eyes drop down to my lips. Then he begins to shake his head. “But I don’t—”
“Do it.” I interrupt. His eyes meet mine and I reach for his hand. “Kiss me, Derek.”
I know I’ve reached a whole new level of desperate but I really couldn’t care less. He knows how I feel about him. He’s…he’s the man that I love. The first and only man I’ve loved. Now that I know what it feels like to really love someone, I realize that I never loved Kevin. Not like this. This is real and raw and perfect and heartbreaking all at the same time. I feel things for Derek I didn’t even know I was capable to feeling.
He takes another step closer and my back hits the door. His palms are pressed against my neck and his nose touches mine. I close my eyes and try to engrave this moment into my brain. I want to remember it forever.
He rubs his nose against mine again and our lips brush against each other this time. We’re barely doing anything and my heart feels like it wants to jump out of my chest.
He finally presses his lips against mine in a kiss. My whole body relaxes and it feels like I’ve been brought back to life again.
I place my hand on the back of his neck and run my fingers through his hair as we deepen the kiss. It’s an intimate kiss. Slow and desperate at the same time. We kiss long enough for my lips to get swollen. I don’t want the kiss to end. Eventually, though, we run out of breath and Derek leans his forehead against mine as we both try to control our breathing.
“I love you, Derek.” I whisper before I can stop myself.
He raises his head to look at me and shakes his head. “I don’t deserve your love, Gin.”
“Please don’t say that,” I say. “I love you and there’s nothing you can do to change that.”
“Fuck.” He murmurs taking a step back. He runs a hand through his hair looking frustrated. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”
I watch him with a frown on my face. I just told him I love him and this is his reaction? What does he mean fuck? Fuck, I don’t love you back? Fuck, I don’t know what to say?
And then I begin to realize it.
“Oh my god.” I whisper in disbelief. “You’re getting back together with her.” My voice is a whisper and I look at him and wait for him to shake his head and deny it…but he doesn’t. He looks at me with a dreadful look in his eyes. I bring my hand up to my mouth. I’m shocked. I’m heartbroken, completely shattered. “You choose her.”
He chooses her. He chooses Sadie.
He’s going to marry her.
My knees feel weak and my chest feels tight. The knot in my throat hurts and I walk past him, trying to hide the pain on my face. I stand there and cover my face with my hands as I let the tears fall silently.
“I don’t deserve you, Gin—”
“Shut up, shut up,” I say angrily. I clean the tears on my cheeks and face him. “Don’t call me that. Just—leave.”
He takes a step forward and I take on back. “Savannah,” He says my name slowly. It sounds foreign on his lips. “I’m not good enough for you. I don’t deserve you.”
I shake my head at him in disbelief. “None of that matters, Derek. Don’t you see? I love you.” My voice cracks at the end and I begin to cry. He reaches out and puts his arms around me.
I allow him to comfort me for a second and then I begin to feel angry again. I push him away. “Don’t touch me,” I say, gulping down the knot in my throat. “You made me
fall for you.” I accuse. “You made me love you. I told you I would fall for you and you kept pursuing me! And now—” I shake my head. “—now you’re leaving me for her.”
“I’m so sorry,” He says, looking desperate.
I hate that I see pity in his eyes. I hate it.
I cross my arms on my chest and turn around. “Just leave, Derek.”
“Savannah, please, let me—”
“No,” I say. “Please leave. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
That’s the biggest lie I’ve told him but I try my best to make it sound truthful because I shouldn’t want to see him again. Ever.
“All of it was real for me,” He says behind me. “You mean a lot to me, Savannah.”
“Then why are you breaking my heart?” I ask turning to look at him. I suddenly hope he sees the pain in my eyes. I want him to know how much he’s hurting me.
“Because you deserve someone better than me,” He says looking into my eyes. “I’m a piece of shit. I’m not worthy of you.”
I shake my head and smile sadly. “Oh, Derek, you really have no idea how much you mean to me.”
I don’t wait for a response. I turn around and go to my room. I shut the door so he knows I’m done with this conversation. He can show himself out the door.
I stand in my room and listen. After a few seconds, I finally hear the front door close. I rush back to the living room and lock it.
And then I fall to my knees and cry.
47. doesn’t feel right
DEREK
I place my fist on the door and clench my jaw when I hear her crying.
I fucking hate myself.
I want to knock on the door and beg her to forgive me—to take me back. This doesn’t feel right. It just doesn’t.
All this time, I thought I had life figured out. Everything has always been okay as long as my career was a success. That’s why I’ve always sacrificed everything for it. I sacrificed my teenage years and having a normal life. I sacrifice time with my family every holiday or birthday and every day that I choose to be on set rather than visit them. I do it because I’m good at it. I guess there’s a fear that modeling and acting might be the only things I’m good at.
And this is proof of that.
I’m a great actor and model but I’m a shitty person.
I came here and thought that letting her go would be the right thing to do—I really don’t deserve her. I also knew that she was willing to give us a shot and I just destroyed any opportunity I had of being with her. I thought it was the right thing to do but fuck—it doesn't feel right. Why doesn’t it feel right?
This is what’s best or at least that’s what I’ve made myself believe. Gin—Savannah deserves someone that can offer her a normal life. Someone who isn’t in the spotlight and someone who isn’t skeptical about choosing her first. For the first time in my life, I’m doubting sacrificing my personal life for my career.
But it’s too late.
I fucked things up.
I’ll never forgive myself for making her cry. For that alone, I deserve the pain that I’m feeling right now. I deserve to suffer. I don’t deserve happiness. I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life.
Even now, as I force myself to walk away from the door, I know that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
48. this city
SAVANNAH
“Are you sure about this?”
I turn my head and look at Kim as she looks at me. “Yes. I can’t stay here anymore, Kim. It’s too much. Too painful.”
I go back to my suitcase and continue packing all my clothes.
It’s been three weeks since my conversation with Derek. Three weeks of crying. Three weeks of feeling nothing but sadness.
Sadie announced her engagement to Derek the day after Derek came to see me. They had obviously already talked. He came here that night knowing what he was going to do. Deep down, I think I knew what he was coming to tell me. I saw it in his eyes. Dread and regret. I still see it and it haunts me.
For the first few days, I almost convinced myself that I hated him even though I know I can never hate him. I love him. I love him so much it hurts. Literally.
After the news of the engagement broke, things only got worse. I couldn’t leave my apartment because there were paparazzi outside, waiting to get a good picture of my sad, miserable face. I quarantined myself in my apartment and did not go out for a whole week. It cost me my job but I no longer cared.
I think I knew I couldn’t stay in New York the moment Derek left my apartment that night.
I can’t go back to how my life was before him. I can’t go to work or go to the bar or even school because all of that just reminds me of him. This city is his. Everything here reminds me of him and what I lost. He’s everywhere. It makes me sad to be here.
That’s why I decided I’m going home.
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t cry myself to sleep and avoid going outdoors for another day. I want to go home. I want to go back to the inn and stare at the ocean. I’ll still be sad but at least I’ll be home.
I can’t stay here because I know what’s coming.
Their wedding.
I don’t know when or where it’s going to be and I shouldn’t care, but I know I don’t want to be in New York when it happens. I just can’t be in this city for another minute. I can’t. I already lost my job. I lost the love of my life. I know I can finish school in Newport. I never should’ve come here in the first place. This shouldn’t be happening.
“I’m going to miss you.”
I smile at Kim and it feels weird. How long has it been since I smiled? “I’m going to miss you too.” I hug her. “Come visit anytime. Room on me.”
She laughs then nods. “Well, in that case…”
I pull away with a small smile then continue packing. All my stuff fits in two suitcases. It’s not everything, of course, but it’s the things I care about. My clothes, shoes, pictures, books…
Everything else is replaceable.
I pack quickly, almost as if I’m afraid that I’m going to change my mind if I stay a minute longer here. Within two hours, I’m getting dropped off at the airport and I feel accomplished because no one saw me leave. I know the media will lose interest in me soon. I was just a passerby. I’ll be a nobody again and that’s when I’ll begin to heal.
Until that happens though, I want to be with my family. I want to be home.
The plane lands in Portland at seven the next morning. I make my way out feeling numb but at least I’m not crying.
That changes the moment I see my sister waiting for me. She’s alone and I’m so glad she is because I feel my face crumble up the moment we see each other. She runs to me and puts her arms around me.
“Oh, Sav,” She says softly. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”
But I’m not okay. I haven’t been and I know I won’t be for a long time.
Is there anything more painful than loving someone that doesn’t love you back?
I doubt it.
This is the most real and raw pain I’ve ever felt for someone.
Despite this heartbreak, I don’t regret anything.
I’m glad I went to the bar that night. I’ll always be Derek’s match and I probably should mind but I don’t. I’m glad I met him. I’m glad I got to kiss him and be with him even if it was for a short amount of time. He taught me the biggest lessons of life: love and heartbreak.
I wouldn’t have wanted to experience either of those things with another man. Despite everything, I’m glad it was him. I’m glad it was Derek.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to think back to everything that happened and smile, but for now, I know I’ll keep crying every time I replay his smile, his eyes, his face in my head.
At least the pain reminds me that it was all real.
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