by Mj Fields
I wipe my face with the towel hanging over my shoulders then sit back. “No, Tessa, I’m not sick. I just can’t do this shit.” I can’t watch you make this your problem when all I want to do is make you smile.
She hands me the glass of water. “Rinse and spit.” Then she grabs my toothbrush and presses some paste on it before handing it to me. “Brush.”
I rinse and spit in the toilet as she kneels down beside me, wiping my face then sits beside me and holds my hand. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my one free arm around them, burying my face in them. Tessa then wraps her arms around me and holds me.
I hear Alex say, “Oh, sorry. Everything okay?”
“Sure is. Lucas and I will be out in a few minutes.”
A minute later, my phone rings.
“Shit,” I say on a sigh then answer. “This is Lucas.”
“You still living on that damn farm?”
I look at Tessa, who mouths, “Tell her you’re still stuck.”
I shake my head and instead tell her, “Yeah, the judge is still insisting I stay until my birthday.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Sadi yells.
“Nothing I can do about it but move to Jersey. Can you deal with that?”
“You better not be fucking her.”
“Christ, Sadi. I told you I wasn’t. How many weeks pregnant are you? Are you taking vitamins and folic acid?”
“Fourteen weeks, and not yet. Why?”
“It’s important for our child. I’ll pick up some stuff before school. See you tomorrow.”
Tessa smiles at me, as if she’s proud. That turns my stomach, too, as the mother of my kid sneers, “As if you care.”
“I think we both should care if our child is healthy.”
Sadi huffs. “Did you set up counseling or whatever that shit is we need to go to.”
I scrub a hand over my head, wishing I had my fucking hat on. Then I push my legs out straight. “Working on it. Will know more tomorrow. Did you make the doctor’s appointment?”
“I’ll let you know that as soon as I believe you’ll behave, or it’s a no-go.”
Behave? Bitch.
“Goodnight.” I hang up before I lose my shit.
“Do you want to be alone?” Tessa asks.
“No. Please stay.”
I move my leg behind her and pull her back, hugging her while resting my forehead on her shoulder. She reaches back and rubs her hand over my hair.
After a few minutes, I feel better. I kiss the back of her neck and whisper, “Thank you, baby.”
She looks back at me. “Anytime, bud. You feel better?”
I hate, bud.
“Yes, I do.”
“Ready to get up?” she asks, standing.
“I need a shower.”
“No, a bath.” She steps past me and turns on the water. Then she grabs a container that says “Bath Oats” on it and scoops some into the water. She just sits on the edge, putting oatmeal in it and mixing it up with her feet, and I watch her, wishing things were different, but at least I have this now.
She turns and dries her feet on the bathmat before holding her hand out. I take it, and she pulls me up.
“Time to get in.”
I lean forward and kiss the top of her head. “You’re the best, Tessa.”
She turns to leave, and I shed my shorts then take a step forward.
“Hey, Lucas.” Smiling, she turns around, and her eyes immediately fall south.
I should cover myself, but I don’t. “Yes, Tessa?”
“Wow, I’ve never seen it like that. It’s …” She blinks then shakes her head as she appears to be trying to remember what she was going to say. Then she grabs a washcloth from the counter and tosses it to me. “Here you go.”
As she’s walking out, I can’t help but ask, “It’s what, Tessa?”
“Beautiful,” she says as she walks out.
She’s on the couch when I come out with a towel wrapped around my waist. I wad up the washcloth I used and toss it at her. She laughs as I run up the stairs.
When I come back down in pajama pants and a tee-shirt, she asks, “Want to talk about it?”
“Not really, but thank you.” Then I ask, “Why did you do that?”
“What? Check out your junk?” She grins.
“No, I totally get why you’d want to sneak a peek.” I wink then look away. “The research, ordering the books, talking me through it, taking care of me, and—”
“Gee, I thought you were intelligent.” She nudges me. “Why, Lucas? Because I want to help my friends through difficult situations.”
Friends …
“All right then.”
Trying to hide her amusement, she asks, “Do you think Sadi will let me be there when your baby is born?”
“Someone better be. I’ll more than likely be on the floor.” I stand, then I kiss the top of her head and tell her, “Thanks again. I’m going to bed.”
Standing on the top of the stairs, I listen to Alex ask, “Tessa, what’s going on?”
“Reality just hit, I think. He’s going to need you and Tommy. He’s been alone for most of his life and taking care of his mom when it should have been the other way around. Lucas has a good heart. I love him, and I need him to be okay. I think the only way he will be is if he has people who love him and let him know his true worth. His shield, Alex, is the cocky, arrogant ass everyone sees … That’s not who he is, not even a little bit. It’s just who he has to be so he doesn’t fall apart.”
“Tessa, I think he’s a good guy, but … I’m worried about you.”
Me, too, Alex … me, too.
Her reply? “I have all of you. I’m strong. I may screw up, but I’ll always be okay.”
Chapter Two
For the next few weeks, I watch her in a different way. I watch her with mad respect as her resolve to be my friend and her inner strength both grow even stronger. From this, I gain strength to deal with Sadi in a way that will best benefit our child. But, with each day I’m living at the Ross family home, something else continues to grow.
My love for her, and hers for me.
I need out so that she can move on.
Aside from Tommy, she’s become the only other person I have allowed this close to me in my entire life. And friends protect friends. I need to protect her from what’s to come. Hell, it’s already here. We’re both slowing dying inside. There are no more make-out sessions. We occasionally hold hands and hug, but those exchanges are within the friendship parameters that she set. She’s kissed me on the cheek and head when she knew I was struggling, and most of those times, she knew it before I did. As much as I want to be strong for her, it wasn’t happening while I was under the same roof as her.
I need her. I want her in my life, no matter what. But what trumps that is love. I love her, and I know I always will, so I have to figure out how to set her free of me.
On Saturday, I got my first deer. A big eight point buck. Tessa smiled when she found out, even congratulated me, which everyone knew was odd considering she wasn’t cool with killing deer. Well, I mean, she was but wasn’t. It’s confusing, but I get it.
On Sunday, I went to church with her family, which was part of the expectations for anyone in the Ross household. I didn’t mind. I got to witness her shine. Kind of evened out the day as a whole. Visiting Mom wasn’t easy.
My basketball practices and her play rehearsals gave us more distance, because of the timing, so we only saw each other outside of school for a couple hours. It was truly a double-edged sword- I needed to give her space, but still wanting to be around her constantly.
She went to her mother’s on Wednesdays, and Sadi and I went to counseling on Thursday nights. Counseling didn’t seem to be helping, but it was an excuse to be away from Tessa. I hoped that the distance would help what would inevitably become of us. On Fridays, I had preseason scrimmages, and she sat in the bleachers, cheering me and Alex on. Those nights, I didn’t come home until late. I hung out with A
lex and Tommy if they weren’t with their girls. If they were, I chilled with Becca’s adopted brother, Ryan.
Ryan’s cool. A few years back, he and Jade’s brother, Jasper, were best friends. He had been pretty messed up about the loss. I think our bond was that we both came from fucked-up beginnings, found people who became closer to what family ever was to us, and we both are fighting like hell not to get sucked back into a cycle, no matter how easy it would be to get pulled back in. It’s obvious neither of us want to end up back where we came from. For me, I need the break, for generations to come. We didn’t get into philosophical discussions like that. Hell, we barely even talked about anything other than where to eat, what we would eat, how much we could lift, or our goals at the gym. Still, it hung heavy over both of us.
On Saturday night, Tessa and I worked at the Spot. It was snowmobile season, and the place was busy all the time. Tessa sang less, and she was a little quieter and more guarded around the opposite sex.
Mom was getting better. She has been sober for two months now, which is a record for her. I visit her every Sunday, and she knows things must change, for her grandchild, and I can honestly tell she’s ready for a reboot. Katie 2.0, I called her, and she beamed.
Tessa set her alarm every night to wake up at two in the morning. She forced herself to get out of bed, drink warm milk, go to the bathroom, and wash her face. About once a week—sometimes more—I would sneak in and turn it off just so I could hold her and kiss her until she got through her nightmare. Those mornings, she seemed a little happier, and I was, as well.
Yeah, it’s fucked up. I’m aware and am doing whatever I can to figure out how to end this as soon as I can.
Before Thanksgiving, Tessa made a whole turkey dinner by herself so that I could eat with their family before I went to Jersey with mine. She said she wanted me to know I was family, and she couldn’t imagine spending a holiday without the people she loved. That kind gesture stung a bit, but it meant so much … to both of us.
Toby came home to visit, and he and Tessa hung out a lot. Can’t lie; I like him and often found myself watching his interaction with Tessa. He’s kind and gentle with her. He doesn’t push her into anything or take more than he can gave. I remember her once describing her future husband, and as much as it’s a gut-wrenching thought, deep down I see him fulfilling that role.
One night after an away game that she didn’t attend, due to rehearsal, I found them all snuggled up on the couch, Tessa asleep against Toby’s chest. Her mascara was smeared down her face, and Toby was looking at her with deep concern when I walked into the room.
“Hello.” I nodded as I passed by to hit the bathroom.
He nodded back.
When I came out, he asked, “How are you, Lucas?”
Let’s be straight here, I think he’s good for her, but I sure as fuck don’t want to marinate in them. But I answered the question, anyway.
“I’m all right. You?”
“I know what’s been going on here for the past few months. I know how she feels about you, and I know how you feel about her,” Toby stated.
Pissed, but trying to keep my cool, I asked, “What makes you think—”
“Lucas,” he interrupted me, “I’m not trying to make this hard on you or start an argument. I wanted you to know that I think what you’re doing is honorable. I also know that this living situation has got to be extremely hard on both of you. I know you wouldn’t choose this for her or yourself. She’s worried about you being alone. I agree with her. These people care about you. John wants you to stay, at least until your mom gets home.”
“This is uncomfortable.” Understatement of the fucking century.
He shook his head. “It’s not.”
“Maybe not for you, but for me, it sure as hell is. And, most importantly, it is for her too. I see her walking on eggshells in her own house. I hear her cry when she’s in the shower. She cleans all the damn time to avoid sitting down for two minutes, and I know it’s because she’s dying a little more inside every damn day I’m here. I know this because I’m dying right along with her. Her family is amazing, but just like her, they’re putting me first.” I stopped when my throat grew thick, and I fucking refused to cry.
“That’s love.”
Okay, actually, that’s the understatement of the century.
“I get that. And I love her just as much. I’m not staying. She needs to heal, and I need to let her.” I turned to walk away, and he started in … a-fucking-gain.
“Okay, I get it. Either way, you are both going to hurt. This one right here will struggle through and be fine. She’s strong, Lucas, but she needs you to be, too. She needs you to be safe and happy. If not, she’s going to have a very hard go of this, and so will you. I love her, Lucas. If she chose you tomorrow, I would have no problem walking away knowing she would have what she wanted. I know you’re a good man, and not just because she says so, but because I see it in you. I’m team her, and you’re going to be part of her life, and an important part at that. Therefore, I just wanted you to know that you have an ally in me,” Toby said softly.
And the last church sermon kicked me in the balls when I realized I’m the sinner and he’s the saint, because I would stab him in the back if I could, but I can’t. So, I nodded and said, “Thank you.” Then I looked down at her one last time before heading to bed.
I knew that Christmastime would be wrapped around traditions and raining a confetti of excitement in the Ross home, yet I still underestimated it. When we decorated the tree, each person received a new ornament—all objects that reflected something personal—with their name on it. Tessa handed me an ornament with my name on a football inscribed with “State Championship MVP,” with a crown charm hanging off of it, signifying homecoming king. On the bottom, she used a paint pen and wrote “Christmas with the Ross family” on it. They had the Christmas pickle, the creepy-ass elf that was tucked in the tree, and a nativity scene displayed in their front yard. There was also an advent calendar that each person had a special day, or rather a rotation of days, that they got to switch the calendar and received a small treat or trinket for their day.
There were two trees and presents piled up high under each. They all had personalized stockings that they had since birth. I now had one, and so did Chewy. Lights and candles adorned every room inside and outside the farmhouse. On some level, it was wrong to want to incorporate them into my future, but I also think that’s exactly what she wanted. And my love continued to grow.
It was time for me to head to Jersey to spend Christmas with my family. With Audri and the girls now back home, I wasn’t dreading it as much.
Snow was falling down heavy around us. Her hair piled up on top of her head in a wavy mess of a bun, she has on boots, pajama shorts, and a green cable knit, oversized sweater as she helps me load up my vehicle. She’s a fashion conundrum but looks more beautiful than ever.
“Hold on. I forgot something,” she says before she turns and runs back to the house.
I laugh. “Tessa Ross, I have no more room.”
“Make room,” she yells back as she slips into the house.
She returns with a box pull of packages and thrusts it at me. “Presents for the girls. They don’t get them until Christmas morning.”
“Unnecessary, but thank you,” I say, finding a spot for it.
“Promise not until Christmas—”
“Give me a hug goodbye,” I turn around and cut her off, “or I won’t stay there until next Christmas.”
All her holiday excitement bubbles over as she jumps into my outstretched arms, wrapping her arms and legs around me as she laughs, looking down at me, and then she covers my face with a million obnoxious kisses.
When she’s covered every inch and Chewy is barking at her, she slides down. “Drive safe and text me when you get there. Have a Merry Christmas, Lucas.”
I lean down and steal a kiss from the corner of her mouth and linger a bit too long. When I pull away, her eyes are
closed. She blinks a few times then opens them.
“Merry Christmas, Tessa. I love you,” I say as I get into my vehicle then quickly pull out while watching her rub her lips.
“Dick move, Links,” I scold myself.
She continues to stand there, rubbing her lips gently, as I pull down the road and out of sight.
I spend the next five hours not dreading the trip, not building armor or trying to figure out a way to get money needed for rehab or some “needed” renovation to keep Mom happy and occupied. I think of that stolen kiss for five fucking hours.
Dad and Audri are putting gifts under the tree when I walk in. They look so damn happy to see me. Then I unload the vehicle with Dad’s help before going to bed to give them this moment alone, and because I want to call Tessa, hoping she’s still waiting up to talk to me.
When she answers, I tell her, “I made it safe and sound.”
“I’m so glad. Now you better get to sleep or Santa won’t come.” She says that like she means it.
“He’s a little freaky, you know, sneaking into your house at night after stalking you all year. I may stay up just to be sure his ass doesn’t come in the house.”
She laughs then says, “In the morning, you should look under the back seat. I think he left you a little something in your vehicle.”
“No kidding?”
“None.” She giggles.
“You should look in your, um, unmentionables drawer. I think he left you something, as well,” I say, flopping back on my bed.
“Have I mentioned I love Christmas?”
“Nope, not once. And, you know, come to think of it, I would have never known had you not just told me.”
She giggles. “I love you, Lucas. Have a beautiful Christmas with your family.”
“I love you, Tessa. Goodnight.”
The day turns out amazing. It’s the first Christmas I’ve had, that I remember, not being anxious or waiting for something to go wrong.
Now it’s late, and I’m itching to talk to Tessa.