New Love: Blue Valley High — Senior Year (The Blue Valley Series Book 2)

by Mj Fields

  Chapter Eight

  Jade, Phoebe, and Becca all give me sympathy cards on my first day back to school, even though I begged them not to talk about it. I catch Lucas watching, see his confusion, and then, when he looks like he’s coming toward me, I get pissed, so pissed, and walk quickly away.

  When a hand, a big hand, grabs my elbow, I jerk it away.

  Feeling the burn, knowing I may cry, I see Sadi out of the corner of my eye, looking pissed until she sees it—sees the hurt in me—and smirks at my pain, thinking it has a fucking thing to do with him.

  “Tessa, what is wro—”

  “Don’t. It’s none of your business.” I sidestep him and quickly walk down the hall to class.

  Over the next few weeks, I avoid everyone at school by going to the library and skipping Alex’s baseball games. I hurt. I hurt so bad, and when it’s so bad that I can’t imagine hiding it any more, the phone rings. It’s Toby.

  Curled up in bed, Chewy beside me, I hear his voice as he says, “Hey, angel. I’m so sorry to hear about Ann, and more sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  I cry, he listens, Chewy licks my tears, and Toby makes me feel hope … hope in us. And he promises to keep my pain a secret as long as I trust him with them.

  Whenever I don’t talk with him for a while and things start getting bad again, I’d get a letter. And on paper and ink, hope returns.

  I love Toby Green. I do. And I finally figured out why it’s so hard to scream something so real from the treetops. It’s he who I admit why to.

  Aunt Ann, I think.

  “It feels like admitting how I feel lessens love. Because I thought I felt that for Lucas. I know I did, so it may make it sound like it’s not real with you, but I know it is, Toby. I feel it. I love you.”

  “Christ, angel,” he says gruffly. “Why am I not there, seeing you say those words now?”

  “Well, because—”

  “Wish I could see it in your eyes. Not just when you say I love you, but the moment you realized it was okay to love more than once.” He laughs. “Hell, in any case but yours, because now … now you’re mine.”

  “I’m yours.” I smile, even though he can’t see me.

  He chuckles. “In most cases, there can be three, or four, or twenty more loves in someone’s lives. But, in yours, it’s me and you until my last breath.”

  “Twenty?” I laugh.

  “Angel, with a heart like yours, that loves like you do, yeah, you deserve to love until you get it back the way you deserve. And Tessa Ann, I promise you, I deserve it.”

  “I love you.”

  “Then start driving the Jeep again. Stop hiding us. ’Cause I’m never gonna let you go.”

  Hugging my legs, I sigh out, “Don’t you dare.”

  On Valentine’s Day weekend, Toby comes home. He kisses me so hard, so deeply, that my knees wobble.

  Looking down at me, he smiles the way only Toby Green can smile—with so much sincerity that no one could ever doubt it.

  “Say it. I wanna see it in your baby blues,” he tells me.

  “I love y—”

  He kisses me again.

  We hang out every spare moment that I have for the short time he’s here. We talk, we kiss, we make plans for the future. I even tell him that, for a moment, I thought about going to school in Chatham. I tell him that I felt it in my gut. He tells me not to rule it out and that we can make anything work. He even bonds with Chewy.

  On Valentine’s Day, he takes me out to dinner in Ithaca. The way he looks at me is the polar opposite from the way he proceeds so cautiously with me after that first, and second, kiss. I understand why. With him, as always, there is no rush, because when you’re thinking and talking about forever, the wait kind of feels like foreplay.

  When I tell him that over dinner, he promptly excuses himself to use the bathroom and I sit back smugly, feeling desired. And yes—God yes—I love that feeling.

  Smiling, I look up and, as quickly as the smile came, it falls when I see Lucas walk in with his mother.

  Then her eyes meet mine, and she smiles.

  “Let’s go say hi.”

  I glance at Lucas, expecting him to stop her, but he looks almost like he’s been kicked in the stomach as Kate walks up to the table, Toby’s and my table, and says, “Hello, Tessa, how are you?”

  “How are you?” I ask in return, not wanting to tell her how I am because, right now, I’m pissed and angry at myself for wanting him—Lucas—to not look like he does right now.

  “Much better now. Thank you for looking after my boy while I was getting help. Sweet girl, you’re an excellent cook.”

  I force a smile. “It wasn’t a problem.”

  She looks behind her and at him. “Lucas, where are your manners? Aren’t you going to say hello to Tessa?”

  “Hello, Tessa,” Lucas says, as if he’s in agony.

  I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up. “Toby, you remember Lucas, right?”

  “Hey, Lucas, how are you?” Toby extends his hand.

  “I’m fine, Toby.” Lucas gives him a tight smile as he shakes his hand. “This is my mother, Kate.”

  “Very nice to meet you.” Toby steps over and gives her a hug, and I watch as Lucas’s jaw twitches. “You’ve got quite an athlete here.”

  “He is. I’m very proud of him.”

  When there is an awkward silence, I stand. “Toby, are we ready to go?”

  “No dessert?” He winks.

  “No, thank you.”

  He pulls out his wallet then places some money on the table. “I wanted some, but I guess I can wait.”

  I say goodbye to Kate, with a quick hug, and then we leave.

  Once in the Jeep, I smile as I take Toby’s hand. I managed to say absolutely nothing to Lucas, and that makes me incredibly happy.

  Toby smiles at me, knowing what I’m thinking, and then he hugs me.

  “You did good, angel.”

  “How could I do anything bad when I’m with you?” I ask.

  Laughing, he turns on the Jeep, cranks up some country music, and then we drive home singing Tim McGraw.

  Toby, he’s my Fred. Except he’ll also be my first.

  Once we pull into the driveway, he kills the engine. “Hey, angel. I have something for you.” He opens the console that separates us then pulls out a box and hands it to me.

  When I open the box, I see a beautiful silver ring. It has two hands touching, making up the shape of a heart, and a crown sits on top of them.

  “Do you know what this is?”

  Staring at it, I shake my head. “But it’s stunning.”

  “It’s called a Claddagh ring. The hands that are touching signify friendship. They make a heart, which means love. The crown’s meaning is loyalty.”

  “It is beautiful, Toby. I don’t know what to say. All I got you was a stupid card.”

  “I didn’t even know I was coming home. I didn’t plan to give you this now. I just knew someday I would. Now seemed perfect. I expect that you wear this to remember that. Whenever you decide to accept it or not is up to you.”

  I feel my eyes widen and wonder what this means.

  “What are you thinking, angel?”

  “I don’t know,” I whisper.

  “You know that’s not an engagement ring, don’t you? It’s a promise from me to you. Nothing more. Do you feel better now?” Toby chuckles.

  “Not really.”

  Toby takes my hand. “Okay, angel, spill it.”

  After a long pause, I answer, “Well, I don’t know … What does that mean for us right now?”

  He looks at me in confusion.

  “Does this mean you want to date, sleep with, or see other—”

  Toby laughs loudly. “No, angel. Just you.”

  “So, you want to have sex with me?” I whisper.

  He closes his eyes and leans back. “Of course I do, but you’re eighteen, I’m twenty-one, and I’m not home a lot. If I opened that door, I wouldn’t be able t
o focus on what I need to, because I would want to be with you even more than I do now. It will screw up my focus. And then … there’s you. I have a feeling you’re going to be a lot to handle. I want to be the only one handling you. I’m going to wait for you and ask you to do the same for me.”

  “Okay.”

  He laughs. “Tessa Ross, it’s going to be a long couple years.”

  I snap my eyes to him. “Toby, I’ll want you as a graduation present.”

  He smiles, and passion fills his eyes. “I love you, angel.”

  The next morning, Toby goes to church with us. He sits, smiling with pride at me as I sing with my youth choir, and I feel … happy. So happy again.

  But right after church, he has to fly out.

  Standing at the terminal, he grips my shoulders and gives them a squeeze. “Okay, angel, I don’t know when I’ll see you again, but I can promise you, as soon as I get more than twenty- four hours off, I will be here with you. Take care of the Jeep. I love you, Tessa.” He kisses me like he did in my driveway. But this time, it steals my breath.

  The kiss is broken when his flight is called.

  He smiles as he leans back to see me. “Very nice.”

  “Yes, it was.” I smile back. “Love you, Toby.”

  He kisses my nose. “Love you, too, angel.”

  It’s still weird at school, but I did promise Toby that I would quit hiding, so I sit with the girls at lunch. Tommy joins us. Lucas doesn’t.

  But, as per the norm, Lucas is still there, even when he’s not.

  Through conversation between Jade and Tommy, I learn that Lucas’s weekends are spent with his mother and hanging out with Ryan, Tommy, and occasionally Alex. He goes to counseling once a week with Sadi. He finally feels somewhat happy about having this child. He insisted that Sadi have counseling once a week alone and is paying for it with the money he makes at The Spot, even though his father offered.

  Tommy feels that, by Lucas shutting Sadi down about dinner after counseling on Valentine’s Day, she’s beginning to understand more and more each day that they will be parents, but not together. I also know that, in three weeks, Tommy will find out if his godchild will be a boy or a girl.

  Pain threatens its way back in, but I kick it aside.

  When I return home from rehearsal, my phone rings. It’s Toby.

  “Hey, angel, just wanted to let you know I have survival training in Maine next week. It’s going to suck, but I think we’ll be getting a couple days off after that, so I hope to see you soon.”

  Excitement spills over, and I laugh. “Toby! I am so excited! I miss you already. By then, it’ll be insane. I can’t wait to hear all about it. That is, if you’re allowed to tell me.”

  “If I tell you, I may have to kill you.” He laughs through a yawn.

  “I know, top secret squirrel poop?”

  “Yes, angel.”

  “Tired?”

  “Extremely.”

  “Sweet dreams,” I whisper.

  “Always are. You star in all of them. Get some sleep. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Goodnight, Toby.”

  As soon as I hang up, the phone rings again.

  Laughing, I answer, “Do you miss me already?”

  “I’ve missed you for weeks.” It’s Phoebe, not Toby calling back.

  “Oh, hey, Phoebe.”

  “Ouch.” She laughs.

  “No, I just thought it was—”

  “Please tell me that big-headed bastard isn’t still calling you and—”

  “No.” I feel sick to my stomach. “God no, Phoebe. Never.”

  “Okay,” she says, her tone sad.

  “I swear it on Chewy.”

  Chapter Nine

  The remainder of the week drags in school, but I have something to look forward to. Saturday night, we are having a girls’ night for the first time since … well, since Lucas moved in then out, and then that will proceed a week off for winter break. I won’t have to run into Lucas again until—fingers crossed—Toby will be home for a couple days.

  Each minute with Toby erases a part of the remnants of hurt left by Lucas. After my weekend with Aunt Ann—the thought of my sweet aunt causes a lump to swell in my throat—I never thought you could love two people at once, but now I’m certain that it’s possible. I’m also one hundred percent certain that love should work the way mine and Toby’s does.

  Toby makes me happy. He is considerate, faithful, gentle, and patient with me and everything that has transpired. Even more so than I deserve, sometimes desire, but this convinces me even more that he is perfect for me, maybe even destined.

  Like Toby, Lucas is beautiful physically. Unlike Toby, he is damaged beyond what I can deal with, let alone survive, without being further damaged myself. That’s something Toby has brought out of me, which is what he seems to do a lot of—bringing me to the precipice of some major realization and not pushing me but allowing me to jump into the pool of my own realization. And that … that’s one of the reasons I know our love will last in the forever way.

  What I don’t share with Toby, or anyone—hell, I wish I could remove its truth with an eraser —no, Wite-Out—because that way that mistake isn’t gone completely, which would also erase all that I have learned from it—is that seeing him, even when I don’t see him and just know he’s there, makes me miss him. And the way I miss him is kind of like the way I miss Aunt Ann, like the way I miss my cousins—they all are a huge part of my life and heart. I don’t share that with Toby, because I’m still standing on the cliff, looking down and wondering if I should make the jump to forget them—well, not them. Lucas—or maybe just put anything I haven’t trashed or burned in a tiny little box for when I miss him, the good parts of him … or us … and need to remember that our love once was real and was not the biggest mistake that I have made in my eighteen years. That I do not share with Toby. I never will, because it will not now, nor ever, come between us.

  Tears prick my eyes as I lie in bed, snuggled up to Chewy, thinking of all the other things I can’t and won’t share. Like the fact that I feel him when he’s in the same hallway as me. I can smell him as he walks by, even if my back is to him. When he touched me that day, it was felt throughout my entire body and soul. It makes me sick to know he still has this effect on me when I love Toby Green—the real kind, the way love should be— after all he, Lucas, has put me through.

  After a good cry and snuggle with Chewy, I shove those feelings so far back in the corner of my heart to make sure to leave room for Toby, knowing that, someday, when the wound isn’t so fresh, my love for Lucas, the rot in that kind of love, never touches the beauty in my heart for Toby … my Fred.

  We all sit in the hot tub and listen to Jade talk about Tommy. Things are hot and heavy with them. Jade tells us that she and Tommy plan to get married. I know how crazy about him she is, and the fact he feels the same way makes me believe in it.

  We learn that Tommy’s parents are not completely over the moon about the idea but feel that there isn’t much they can do about it. Jade isn’t on the pill yet, but they use condoms.

  By the questions Phoebe asks about their sex life, which Jade shares in graphic, and somewhat disturbing, detail, it’s obvious that she and Alex aren’t there yet, which makes me love their love even more.

  “So, where’s Tommy tonight?” I ask, regretting it immediately, because wherever Tommy is, I bet Lucas is there, too, and I don’t want to know where Lucas is.

  She looks at me oddly then says, “It feels odd hanging out with Lucas and not you.”

  “Okay, really weird conversation twist,” Phoebe mumbles.

  “No, it’s fine,” I assure her, looking back at Jade, set on addressing this.

  “I don’t want to be around him, Jade. I will not be around him. He broke my heart, and I thank God that Toby has been here.”

  She crosses her arms and asks, “What was the final straw?”

  “Jade, do you really think she wants to talk abo
ut it?” Phoebe shoots at her.

  “Phoebe, it’s fine.”

  I turn back to Jade. “Let’s see … um, New Year’s Eve. Really bad night.” I roll my eyes.

  I only confided in three people about that night—Alex, Phoebe, and Toby. I normally would have told Jade but decided not to because of Tommy, not wanting to put my drama on them.

  “Were any of them?” Jade asks sarcastically.

  Her statement rubs me wrong. “Okay, Jade, what’s up? This is odd coming from you.”

  “I don’t know. I kind of like the guy. Just seems you two had crap luck. Now I hardly see you. I just wish it were different, that’s all,” Jade defends herself, unaware that she is hurting me.

  “Seriously, Jade, she has been here, busting her ass to get through this pretty much alone. Where have you been?” Phoebe snaps in my defense.

  “Phoebe, Jade, please don’t.” My chest tightens with worry. “I’m good now. I certainly don’t need drama on the home front. Not here. Not in the hot tub.”

  After a few minutes of silence, Jade nods and looks at me. “Tommy’s with Lucas. They went to get tattoos. But let’s not go there. Talk to me about you and Toby Green?”

  I nod, and she laughs.

  “Toby freaking-hot-as-hell Green!”

  I smile. “Yeah. I love him, Jade, and he loves me.”

  Then the dark cloud above us fades, and we dish about Toby. And God, it feels good.

  When we’re discussing getting out, because our hair is literally freezing, Dad pulls in the hay truck into the driveway.

  I laugh. “They’re early again. Thank God, we’re clothed.”

  “And sober.” Jade snorts.

  We all laugh, and we do it like we used to—from down deep.

  When Phoebe, who was seconds ago smiling, cocks her head and a look of concerns strikes her features, I turn and watch Alex coming down the shoveled path toward us, Dad behind him but not following. Then I look back at the girls and joke, even though my gut tells me this isn’t the time to joke, “You think they’re hoping to bust us?”