by Mj Fields
“Two days, Tess.”
“Two days, Ben.”
As soon as I hang up, the phone rings again.
“Ben?” I laugh.
“Ben, as in, Ben Sawyer?” A voice I have known since birth asks.
“I’m sorry. Who is this?” I say to prove the point that, since she moved out, I haven’t heard much from her, except for on the holidays, and her time was shared between us and Cory’s family.
“You’re favorite sister,” she huffs.
“Kendall?” I joke.
She laughs. “Favorite older sister.”
“Oh, right,” I joke. “It’s been a minute since we’ve seen your face. Christmas and …” I stop.
“I was at Toby’s, too, Tessa,” she whispers.
It pains me to realize that I didn’t even see her there, my own sister.
She clears her throat. “That’s in the past, and grief never goes away; we just learn how to live with it. So, tell me, Tessa, how is it that Ben Sawyer fits in your future?”
After an hour-long conversation, where my favorite big siter, Molly, helps me sort my issue with college, by talking me into applying for a community college and making me promise to consider doing what she was—head straight from her Associate’s to getting her Master’s and then practitioner’s license—I feel so much better about my future. So good in fact that I have one of those moments I used to have before I got too outside myself. I grab my journal and write.
Always have future plans and a goal. That way, you’ll always have something to look forward to.
Staring down at the words and waiting for the ink to dry before tracing them with my finger, I smile, and it feels good to do that.
Then my phone rings again.
I make sure not to answer assuming it’s anyone in particular with a simple, “Hello?”
“Are we okay?”
It is Jade, and I answer with one hundred percent love and sincerity. “Of course.”
“I feel like I suck as your friend right now, and I guess I’m lashing out by making it …” She stops, and I hear her sniff. It breaks my heart. I haven’t heard Jade cry in years.
“Jade, please don’t—”
“I’m owning it. I am so sorry, Tessa. So sorry. And not owning up to it. I’m truly sorry.”
Not wanting her to feel bad and wanting her to know that my life isn’t the only one that’s change, and I’m not unaware, I give her more sincerity and love.
“I’m glad you’re in love, Jade. Tommy is amazing, and he obviously loves you very much. I haven’t been around much for that, to share your joy. For that, I’m sorry.”
“You’ve been through a lot. Tommy and I, well, he thinks maybe us girls should plan something together, like spring break getaway.”
“That sounds good, but you and he should do that. We’re getting older, Jade, and I—”
“I know you have the play. I know it’s a lot. We’ll talk about it after.”
“Then let’s talk about Tommy.”
She sighs, and I hear sheets ruffle, and I imagine she lopped—or hell, maybe even fell—into her bed because her head was spinning at the thought of Tommy.
“I have never been happier, Tessa. I can’t wait to be with him forever.”
“I can honestly say I believe you two will be together for the rest of your lives.”
“Well,” she says cautiously, “how about you? What’s Ben like?”
“He’s perfect, and I’m trying to be that for him, too. He wants to go slow, and I’m so happy he does.”
“Do you love him?”
“I think it’s very rare that people fall in love at first sight.” I think, and that’s because I was fooled by it myself.
“Like Tommy and I,” she sing-songs.
“Just like that.” I smile as I push my feet under my covers and lie back. “And obviously, I don’t think all love lasts a lifetime. Well, except people like you and Tommy,” I say so as to not burst her happy bubble. “Others have to work to keep love in their lives. And I think Ben is the type who would work to do that.”
“I’m glad.” She yawns, and then I do.
We both laugh.
“Good. Lunch tomorrow?” Jade asks.
“Yeah, maybe.”
Friday went by fast. Lucas came to school in the middle of lunch, and everyone at the table seemed uncomfortable, but no one more than Lucas. His knee bounced up and down, and he didn’t eat. I excused myself and left, using the play as an excuse.
After school, I went for a run in the park. It felt good. I promised myself to do that every day again.
On my run back to the school to get the Jeep, Lucas drove by and looked the other way.
Fine by me, asshole, I thought. Mad is good. Yep, really good.
At rehearsal, Cassidy and a few of the cast members decided they wanted to go up and watch Ben’s band. I was excited. The plan was that I would ride up with them and back home with Ben.
Saturday morning, I called Jade, and we made plans to go get mani-pedis with Phoebe and Becca.
I cleaned and listened to the countdown. “The Sign” was number one … again.
This also made me smile.
After mani-pedis, we went to lunch at Lum’s, a chain restaurant who’s signature dish is hot dogs soaked in beer. Jade and I used to come here and get fried seafood, and so that’s what we order.
When the waitress walks past us, my stomach growls, alerting me and my friends that my appetite is back.
“If you’re that hungry, I bet I could take her,” Phoebe jokes, and we all watch as the waitress, who’s giving her a sideways glance, makes us all laugh.
We stop laughing when we look at the crescent-shaped booth and see green eyes, a white hat, and a glare. And he’s not alone.
Something happens. My stomach does the flip, the bad one, and I excuse myself, sliding out of our crescent-shaped corner booth and head to the bathroom.
Inside one of the stalls, my stomach lurches and I throw up.
I hate him.
I have no reason to. I have Ben.
When I open the stall and walk out, Phoebe, who I didn’t even hear come in, hands me a paper towel. “We can leave.”
I shake my head as I walk to the sink, rinse my mouth, wash my hands, and then I look at her. “I’m fine.”
“But—”
“Starving, actually—”
“Tessa, you—”
“I like Ben.” I nod firmly.
“Then I love Ben.” She takes my hand and pulls me out the door.
Once we sit, I notice Jade is not here, and then I hear, “Why don’t you go join the Doe camp crew and let me eat my fucking lunch,” as Lucas storms by.
“Good chat, Lucas,” Jade says as she slides into the booth and smiles with her mouth, but her eyes are pissed as she looks at me. “Friend of Sadi’s. We eating or are we eating?”
We eat—okay, I pick—even though I’m sure I’ll blow chunks as soon as we leave, but he won’t be seeing that.
Showered, shaved, teeth brushed and flossed, I stand in the closet, wrapped in my robe, trying to figure out what to wear.
“When in doubt, call Jade,” Kendall says, looking up from her latest’s Sweet Valley High novel.
I smile, and then she looks back at her book, flips the page, and continues to read.
Loose jeans, tight shirt, is Jade’s suggestion, and I do that, adding brown cowgirl boots, a brown belt, and a cropped jacket. I then blow out my hair, remembering Ben likes it. And I do Jade proud by adding a bit more eye makeup than I normally would.
I do a quick once-over then a turn and nod my approval … at myself.
Chapter Nineteen
I decline the bowl when Cassidy offers, and she nods then takes a few more hits before we pile out of the car and head into the club with butterflies, the good kind wreaking havoc on my belly, a reaction to the sound of Ben’s voice as we walk in.
It’s only been five days since I saw him, but it feels different.
> I smile when I see him over the crowd and through the smoke.
He’s in black jeans and a white tank under a buttoned-down gray shirt. He looks hot. His face, beautiful and boyish, big dimples, and he is right about his butt … It is perfect.
Through the crowd, I know the minute he sees me … he beams.
Cassidy and I make our way from the back of the crowd to the front as he continues to sing “Yellow Ledbetter” and we dance.
When his first set is over, he jumps off the stage, grabs my face and kisses—Ben Sawyer kisses—me, and it’s next level hot.
“You look hotter every time I see you, Tess.”
I step back, look him up and down, walk in a circle, pat his butt, and then I whisper in his ear from behind, “So do you.”
Laughing, he turns around, wraps an arm around me, pulls me into him, and kisses me. And this kiss … even better than the last, and that’s saying a lot.
Watching Ben on stage causes those butterflies to become heavier; therefore, making them not fly so high. As a matter of fact, they lower.
His eyes bore into me as he sings “All Over You” by Live, and my favorite part of the song is when he begins to bounce before the chorus.
“Jesus, Tessa.” Cassidy fans herself.
“Yeah, totally.” I grin.
Ben catches this and wags his eyebrows at my response. I lift my shirt a bit and flash him quickly.
Ben stops singing mid-song, and I feel my eyes widen, I assume comically so, because he starts laughing as he holds his hand up, stopping the band.
Then … then he says into the mic, “Tess, come up here for a minute.”
I am way too … not buzzed for this and shake my head.
Ben squats down on the edge of the stage and reaches out. “You can either come up, or I’ll come get you.”
Cassidy gives me a shove, and I make a mental note to flip shit on her when he grabs my hand and pulls me up.
“Tess, did you just flash me?”
Smiling, I shake my head.
“Tess, the truth.”
I shrug and laugh.
He responds by dropping to his knees and slowly lifting my shirt. I smack at his hands, laughing.
“Did the girls miss me?”
My eyes do that whole bugging out thing, and he mouths, “Trust me?”
I nod once.
He leans forward and kisses my belly. Then, lips against my belly, he blows the biggest raspberry in the history of raspberries, and I can’t help but laugh, and not just because I’m a bit ticklish.
The crowd goes wild, laughing and cheering.
Ben pops up to stand and nods to them. “I think they like you almost as much as I do. Smile for them, Tess.”
I turn and wave. As I’m doing this, my eyes land on some familiar faces—Tommy, Jade, Ryan, and … Lucas standing in the crowd.
My eyes cut to Jade, who is smiling happily and sincerely; to Ryan and Tommy, who are looking down; and Lucas … well, he’s pissed.
“Stay up here with me while I finish this song, Tess. Then you’re going to sing with me.”
I look back at Ben, smile, and nod.
He pulls a stool up, and I sit and listen as they finish the song “Love and Affection” by Nelson.
When the song ends, he walks over and whispers, “Do you know ‘Close My Eyes Forever?’”
I shake my head. “I do, but I don’t want to screw up.”
“I have the song on my Walkman. We’ll do it next set?”
Again, I shake my head.
He grips my chin firmly yet gently and changes directions of my head, making me nod. “Until then, what are you feeling?” he asks and doesn’t wait for an answer before saying into the mic. “Tess has a surprise for you all. She’s going to sing us a song. And she could sing the Magic School Bus theme song, and it would be hot as fuck.”
“I’m gonna shank you,” I growl as I take the mic he’s handing me, stand up, and point to the stool. He sits.
I then ask one of the guys in the band if he knows a certain song. His response is a laughing yes.
The lead in is not long, but distinct, and when Ben catches on, he bites his lower lip and waves to the stage, telling me it’s all mine. Then he crosses his nice, muscular arms, and I begin singing “I Touch Myself.” I act out the lyrics as tastefully as one can to a song about masturbation, play the stage, the band, and avoid only one part of the crowd. The speaking part, I say directly to Ben, and when the part comes that mimics an orgasm, I hold the mic out to the crowd and hear close to three hundred people fake orgasms. When I finish, I hand the mic back to Ben.
As I’m bowing, he whispers into the mic as if just I can hear, “Awesome job, Tess. But, between you and I, you’ll never have to do that; I’ll take care of you.”
I laugh.
He motions to the stool, where I sit.
“All right, we have only worked on this for a few days, so bear with us.”
Ben begins picking at the strings to his guitar and the Zeppelin’s “Thank You” begins as he sings it to me.
I could definitely love, Ben Sawyer.
When the set is over, he drags me off the side of the stage, kisses me quickly, places headphones over my ears, and presses play on the Walkman.
I see Jade run up to me and hit stop right before she hugs me and gushes, “You did excellent! And, by the way, he is so damn cute and so into you.”
“Why is he here?” I whisper.
She whispers back, “He wanted to come. Tommy feels bad. He didn’t think before saying ‘sure.’ I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” And it is. I can’t imagine being in Tommy’s position, and I know, to my soul I know, that he will be family some day and that Lucas will always be part of his, so I need to get over this, and I will.
I smile at Tommy and Ryan. “Hi, guys.”
They say hello, and Lucas, well, he rolls his eyes and walks away, and I can’t help but watch his retreat. Then I see him walk up to a pretty dark-haired girl and whisper in her ear. She takes his hand, and they push through the crowd.
And that … that’s okay, I tell myself.
I turn to find Ben, who looks at me curiously before asking, “Does it bother you?”
“Just the part that he’s here.” I nod toward him and number thirteen. “And Ben, no joke, all I can think is anyone but Sadi.”
Chuckling, he holds me tighter, and I ask, “You okay?”
“Yeah.” He nods. “You’re here, so, yeah.” Then he leans down, and I think he’s going to kiss me. I wet my lips to prepare, and he … puts the earphones on me. “Practice.”
So, I practice.
On stage, Ben is a rock god. Well, maybe not god, but a rock saint. Way cool, way confident, way talented, and way … way hot.
After a couple songs, one that is a slow dance that Jade dances with me, Ben says into the mic, “Tess, come on up here.”
Everyone cheers as he pulls me up on stage.
He grabs the bottom of my shirt and winks. “They still missing me?”
I cover my face, and he laughs.
“You ready to sing with me? You ready to hear Tessa sing again?” He leans over and kisses me. Against my lips, he says, “Just look at me.”
Singing with Ben, I like it. Looking into each other’s eyes while doing so, I love it.
At the end, we stand face to face as we try to catch our breaths. Ben finally smiles and looks away.
“Let’s hear it for Tess, everyone!”
When I turn toward the crowd, my eyes land on Lucas in a heavy make-out session with the brunette.
Like a deer in headlights, I watch as he kisses her neck … as his hands move to her breast … as she tips her head back and her lips part … as he cups her breast and they both move deeper into the crowd. I see them now in a vacant corner, his hands around her wrists, pinned against the wall above her head. He’s kissing her, grinding on her, and—
“Tess,” Ben whispers, “you going to stay up he
re and sing with me again?”
I turn, swallowing back bile, and smile at him. Then I lean into the mic and say, “Anything you want, Ben, and I mean anything.”
And I do. I so fucking do.
The crowd cheers and goes wild, and I kiss him.
When we break apart, Ben smiles and says, “On the ride to your place, we’ll talk about it.”
“You can drive, Ben, and talk all you want. My mouth will be busy doing something else.” I pull him closer, by his waistband, and he kisses me.
When we break apart, Ben chuckles. “All right, everyone, thanks for coming and goodnight,” Ben starts to walk off stage then stops. “Oh snap. One more set.”
Back on the floor, my total focus is on Ben, because he’s not my past. He’s my now, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll be even more.
Dancing to the Blind Melon’s “No Rain,” I feel someone bump into me and look over my shoulder. It’s Lucas and number thirteen. I don’t react. I simply move and watch as Jade glares at him. He rolls his eyes and moves them even closer to me.
When the song ends, I’m basically rubbing asses with Thirteen.
Ben squats down and asks into the mic, “Hey, Tess, is that asshole bugging you?”
I shake my head.
“Come on up here, girl.” He reaches out for my hand and pulls me up … again.
“We’ve got another song for you, girl, and all you ladies out there who have encountered douchebag boys like Lucas.”
The band plays “Two Princes.”
Ben jumps around and sing. His moves … amazing and making me … hotter.
And although rude not to acknowledge the person singing a song to you, Lucas doesn’t even respond. He’s too busy to even come up for air. And I don’t care.
Fuck him.
The last song Ben and the band plays is “Come As You Are” by Nirvana.
Finally, off stage, Ben hugs me, asking, “Are we good?”
“Oh, way better than good, Ben. I’m happy to have you back in my life. Let’s help pack up, and then I want to go home.”
“You sure?” he asks skeptically.
“Positive.” I hug him.
“Good.” He hugs me back and whispers, “You deserve so fucking much more, and I’m telling you that I’m all that.”