by Mj Fields
“Did you sleep with them?”
He steps to me, teeth clenched, and through them, he sneers, “No. They left right after you did.”
“Why did you make me come home the night of the wake and throw me into your car and talk to me like I was a piece of dirt? And call my mom yesterday?”
“Because you were sick and needed help. You don’t fucking listen to me, like now, when I’m telling you to go home, Tessa!”
“Answer a couple more questions, and then I will, Lucas!” I scream back.
“I will not! And, Tessa, you’re acting like one of the twelve right now, so get the fuck out of my house.”
I cover my belly and beg my lungs to breathe.
He points at my face, a look of disgust on his own. “Right there, Tessa. That look. I can’t stand it. Your disappointment and pity drives me right over the fucking edge.”
“I don’t pity you, Lucas!”
“Oh, that’s right; I’m an embarrassment. That’s what you told your friend Cassidy! Yeah, that was fucking sweet, one of my favorite memories of our time together.”
“At least you have a favorite!”
He grabs my arm, and when I wince, he practically jumps back.
“Get the fuck out.”
“I didn’t want people to know about Toby or about what you had gone through, Lucas. I didn’t want you, or I, to feel like we were being judged by people, you asshole. And don’t fucking grab me—it hurts.” Walking out of his room, I whisper, “I wish … I wish you didn’t hate me.”
Outside, I run to Cassidy’s car, fling open the door, and slide in.
“Tessa?”
“Cass, can you take me somewhere? My aunt’s bar?”
“Anywhere.”
When we walk in, Aunt Josie waves us over, and we sit at the bar.
“This place need a boost?” I nod toward the DJ running karaoke.
“Hey, Tessa, only if you eat something first. You’re a mess, girl.” Josie snorts.
Chapter Twenty Seven
Walking in, I see her laughing with Cassidy, a girl I’m not quite sure I like. Her eyes, blue by birth and red by emotion, meet mine as she and Cassidy share a pizza.
“I need to leave,” she whispers to Cassidy but, since she’s fucked up, she’s really not actually whispering. She stands and looks away as she attempts to skate past me, and I watch as Josie walks out with two plates piled with food. She gives me a wink. I give her a nod.
I put my arm out and stop her, but not grab her, not ever again.
“We’re going to take her home, Cassidy.”
“No, nope, not gonna happen.” Tessa pushes my arm away and walks out the door.
I look at Ryan.
“On it.”
Josie dumps the pizza in a box then hurries toward me. “Make my girl eat. And don’t you stick anything anywhere when she’s in that state of mind.” She smirks. “Not the first time, anyway.”
I shake my head. “Not my intention.”
“Good, ’cause I like you.” She throws her thumb over her shoulder. “Wouldn’t want your balls up there in a jar.”
I don’t tell her I know they’re all pickled eggs; it would spoil her fun.
“I’d prefer they stay where they are, as well.”
“Dammit,” she huffs. “If I were just a few years younger …” She turns me around, and I wait for it.
I look over my shoulder. “Go ahead. You know you want to.”
She smiles as she gives my ass a squeeze then pushes me with both hands. “Now go.”
Once outside, I hear Ryan say, “Tessa, come with us, please.” He steps back from hugging her and wipes her tears.
“Why, Ryan? He said enough tonight.”
“No, he hasn’t. Come on.” He opens the door, and she gets in the back.
“Thanks, Cassidy.”
“Fuck her up anymore, and I will cut off your dick,” she snarls.
“Jesus L. Christ,” I grumble.
“It’s H!” she calls behind me.
I look back. “The L is for Links.”
“I don’t even go to church, and I know how dicked-up that is. And quarterback, the L is for Loser, if you fuck her head up any more than you have.”
I slide in the passenger seat of my own vehicle, close the door, and buckle. Then I look back and see she’s hugging her knees, face buried in them, but I can still see that she’s buckled.
Back at my house, Ryan pulls in the driveway, hops out, and heads inside.
I unbuckle and turn around. “Can we finish our conversation?”
“We did,” she responds sarcastically.
“No, we didn’t.” I get out and walk around to open her door. “Give me ten minutes, and if you want to leave, Ryan can take you home.”
“For Ryan, I will.” She sticks her nose in the air, balls her little fists, and I’m too exhausted to take offense.
She follows me in, then upstairs, and stops just outside the door.
“I hate your room,” she says, plopping down on the floor just outside my room.
“I’m sorry. Do you want to go somewhere else?”
“Home.” She pulls her knees up. “I don’t feel all that well.”
I sit in front of her, just inside my door. “I’m sorry.”
She turns her head and rests her cheek on her knees.
“About all of it. Wasn’t right. Hate fucking Sadi and—”
“I’m sorry. Did you just say hate fucking?”
No sense in lying about it, so I don’t. “Yep. She told me she was going to get it elsewhere, made reference to someone’s dick touching my child, and I was fucked up.”
“That’s disgusting.”
“Well, she’s not … Well, as you know—”
“And you? What’s your excuse?”
“You want me to lie, Tessa, or be honest? Because I’m not big on the former.”
“Fine.”
“Baby, you wanna fight or talk?”
She looks at me in confusion, and I realize I slipped up with the whole calling her baby.
“Nothing I can do about any of what’s happened, except to tell you I’m sorry and tell you truths, regardless of how much that may hurt.”
She buries her face again.
“Christ, Tessa, will you look at me?”
“No.”
“I’m sorry … about all of it,” I tell her. “All of it. Do you understand? I needed you to hate me so you could move on. Will you fucking look at me?”
“No.”
I grab her hips and pull her forward. She whips her head up, blue eyes shocked as she looks at me.
I pull her closer. “Knee to knee, Tessa, and look at me.” Since she’s still looking shocked, I continue, “I told him a million times I don’t deserves you, and he told me I was wrong.” She tries to look down, but I taker her head between my hands. “I’ll give you every answer to every question you ask me, and I’ll do it telling you the truth. But you’ll hear this first. Tessa, I love you. I’ve tried not to, but I need for all this shit to go away. I was escaping it all just fine and—”
“You love me?” she whispers.
“Never stopped. I wish none of this happened, and I wish I could turn back time and all that shit. I wish, Tessa … I wish I could meet you for the first time again, erase my memory from what has happened and—”
“What if you forgot me?”
I shake my head. “Then I would be chasing you all over again.”
Her lips quiver. “You haven’t acted like you love me, Lucas.”
“I never stopped. I wanted better for you. I needed you to hate me, Tessa. I wanted you to stay away,” I whisper.
“Do you want me to stay away now?”
I rub my thumb over her lips and shake my head.
“I don’t know what to do,” she whispers, and a tear slips down her face.
“Tell me how to fix this. Tell me how we move forward. Or don’t tell me, and we figure it out together. If you still
love me—”
“Lucas …” She blinks several times. “Positive?”
I nod, and she moves so we are knee to knee.
I move my hand to grip the side of her head. “I’m taking that as a yes.”
Lips crashing together, I taste a muted version of her, behind cinnamon and beer, but it’s still her.
She grips my hair, reminding me that I need a haircut as she yanks it back and pushes up on her knees so she’s at my height. When she releases a breath, I pull her lip between mine, and she pushes me back, her mouth coming down on mine. Tongues stroking tongues, breaths feeding each other’s, hearts … hearts.
“Baby, we are both fucked up.”
“So?” she whispers in my ear then nips—fucking nips—my ear.
“It’s been a very long time since I’ve touched you.”
“Please, Lucas, tell me you won’t hurt me and I’ll believe you.”
“I could never hurt you again. I love you.”
“You’re sure? I can’t do this again unless—”
“Forever,” I say as her hands do that whole tracing my abs that makes me so fucking … hard.
“Do you need to ask me anything?” She kisses across my face.
“Will you marry me?”
As soon as the words escape, I feel her smile against my lips as she says, “I think you’re skipping a few steps.”
It feels good, so good—her smile—especially knowing I caused it, even after that word vomit.
“How do I ask you to be mine when you always have been?”
“I love you.” She wraps her arms around me tightly, and this feels better than being inside her … I think.
In the past, I should be happy with those three words, but from her, I need more.
“You love me? That’s all I get?”
She looks down at me. “Huh?”
“Baby.” I smile. “You love me?”
She smiles. “Anyway.”
“Still holds true, even after anyway grew to—”
“I love you, anyway.” She kisses me. Then she stops.
I push her hair back. “You okay?”
She shakes her head.
“You feel sick?”
She sucks her lips in. “Mmhmm.” She pushes me back and climbs off me, nearly falling in her hurry to my bathroom. I follow.
I grab her hair and a hair tie, pulling it back as she throws up.
“Out,” she pants.
“No.”
“Lucas, I’m …” She throws up again.
Once she’s finished, I flush and help her up.
“Sorry.”
“It happens.”
She cups some water and rinses her mouth. After squirting toothpaste on a brush, I hand it to her then grab her a washcloth.
I watch as she looks at herself in the mirror, eyes filling up, and notice her shirt got messy.
I take the toothbrush, turn her around, and pull it off. She covers herself.
“Never understood the bra being something to hide. Covers the girls just like a swimsuit, baby.”
Her lip quivers. “I’m gross.”
“No, Tessa, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world.”
“Where did you get the hair tie?” A tear falls.
“Shit.”
“Did you …?” Scowling, she looks down. “Did you sleep with her again?”
“Not a chance.”
“And them?” she asks. “On your birthday?”
“Baby, I told you no. It hurt that you loved me, and I didn’t deserve—”
“So you made me hate you?” She looks confused.
I nod.
“You did deserve me,” she cries. “You did, and I—”
“Baby, please don’t. Please.”
“Can I please have a minute?”
I shake my head.
“Lucas—”
“I’m not leaving you.”
“Why?” she whispers.
“Because I walk out of here, and you come out hating me. I get what I—”
“Lucas, you have to trust what you said, what I believe.”
“I’ve said a lot, Tessa. Meant every word of it, too. All the truth. But you’re gonna have to remind me.”
“You said, how do I ask you to be mine when you always have been. I loved Toby.”
“I get that. Accept it. Was happy you had a man like him when I fucked us up, but before another name flies out of your insanely sexy little mouth, you should know I’d rather you kick me in the nuts than say his name.”
She closes her eyes, shakes her head, and then opens them. “Ben—”
“I don’t think you get that I’m serious. Kick me in the fucking nuts. Hell, tear one off. But there is no fucking way—”
“Is my friend.”
I see it in her eyes, just like I saw it every time she was around him. “He was second string?”
“Lucas, give me a minute?”
“Say it.”
“Say what?”
“Say he was second string.”
“How about I say you, Lucas, were my first love, and I didn’t stop loving you the entire time, but I wanted to.”
I nod.
“And that, if you hurt me again, even in a way that isn’t your doing, I will—”
“Don’t.”
She smiles, and I decide it’s best to give her a minute.
I hear the shower and make quick work of finding her something to wear. The fuck is wrong with me?
I grab the SU sweatshirt that I bought for her, even when she wasn’t mine, and don’t even give a damn that she knows it.
I hear the shower turn off and decide to give her some of that now.
With that in mind, I head to the bathroom door and knock. “Tessa?”
“Still in here. Didn’t jump out the window, Lucas.”
I smile. “The hair tie, that’s yours. Well, was and is again. I took it out of your hair the night, well, when you fell asleep in my car.”
“Creepy,” she mumbles.
“Just wanted you to know.” And then I second-guess the whole SU hoodie.
I hurry back to the bed to grab it and shove it away for another time as the bathroom door opens. I look over to see she’s walking out, white towel tied around her waist and the blue lace bra covering her tits.
“So, hair tie, bra?” She brushes her hair with my brush, and I stand like a fucking idiot, nodding. “Do I have underwear here?”
I clear my throat and answer, “Pretty sure you left some here once.”
“Did I now?”
“Said pretty sure.”
She blushes. Standing in front of me in a bra and my towel, and she doesn’t even know I want to spread her legs, and she’s blushing, eyebrow arched, and game face on.
“Think I can have a pair?” she asks.
I nod. “Can I get them back?”
“What?” She barks out a laugh.
“It’s part of a set.”
“A set?” She palms her face, as if she should be embarrassed.
Walking over to my dresser, I open the drawer. “I have the panties that match that bra and a black set.”
“So, two sets actually?”
“I eventually washed them.” I pull the blue panties out and swing them around on my finger.
“I don’t even want to know.”
I walk over, and she snatches them. “You have issues.”
“And you haven’t even met half of them yet.”
“No?” she asks, shimmying them on and doing so with the towel staying put.
Disappointing.
“You’ve met the top half, dabbled a little lower, but Tessa, just putting it out there, once we make love, and I get you’ll want that, so I’ll give it to you once or twice a week. But, the other times, we’ll be fucking.”
“Cart in front of the horse, Lucas. We’re not even close to there yet.”
Uh huh, I think as I grab the sweatshirt. “I bought you this.”
She smiles. “I’m so proud of you.”
I put it over her head, and she shoves her arms in. “I bought it for you because every part of every day, no matter what was going on, good day or bad, I loved you. I haven’t done everything right.”
She smiles up at me. “Like stealing panties and bras?”
“No, that was not wrong. Only one person I wanted in my head when I’ve jerked off since.” I shake my head, not letting Sadi’s name fuck up this moment. “It’s been you Tessa. Just you.”
“Lucas?”
The way she’s looking at me, all dreamy-eyed, I am pretty sure I’m going to break my promise to Josie.
I push her damp hair behind her eye. “Yeah, baby?”
“I’m freaking hungry.”
“You mean food, right?” I ask, hoping that’s not the case.
Nodding, she asks, “Josie gave you pizza, right?”
When I come back in, pizza box in hand, she’s on my bed, curled up in a ball, dead center of the bed, sound asleep, wet, blonde hair on all four of my pillows.
I head downstairs and see Ryan on the couch, eyes closed. I know damn well he didn’t leave because he told Tessa he wouldn’t. And, if Tommy could truly like him, be his friend, knowing Ryan was extremely protective over Jade, and the fact that he’s been here through all of this—no judgment—being a friend to me, yet caring for Tessa the way he does, it doesn’t bother me a bit. In fact, I consider him my friend, and I’ve had only one true friend my entire life.
“You’re awake, aren’t you?”
“Yep,” he answers, not even hiding it. Another reason I genuinely like him.
“Tessa’s passed out on my bed. I’m going to call Alex and let him know.”
“Might be better coming from me and him knowing I’m here.”
“You staying?”
“Sure am,” he says, and I can’t help but smile.
“I’ll call Alex. Feel free if you want to. I’m putting a pizza in the fridge if you’re hungry.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Night, Ryan, and thank you.”
“Night, Links. That’s what friends do; no thanks needed.”
I make the call to Alex, and the conversation was what I imagine it was like for a wayward Catholic going to confession for the first time after twenty years, having gotten a shot of truth serum. He asked me to explain things that even Tessa hadn’t asked me, but I answered, and I did so with the honesty. I will give her the same if the questions arise. And luckily, Tessa was supposed to stay at camp with her friends, or unluckily, depending on who was staying.