Fighting Greed

by Miller, Jennifer

  Smiling at her rushed words I can’t help but think she’s adorable. “What’s his name?”

  “Huh?”

  “What’s his name?”

  “His name?”

  “Yeah. I’m assuming he’s got one, correct?”

  “Oh course he does. His name is Ryan.”

  “Ryan. And how old is he?”

  “Four,” she says quietly.

  “And he’s amazing.” I state knowing that will make her smile and I feel satisfaction when she does so and it’s glorious. It lights up her whole face.

  “He’s everything.”

  “I’d like to meet him some time.”

  That startles her, “Wh-what?”

  “Look, cupcake, I’m just going to tell you like it is. I want you and if you think the fact you have a son is going to deter me then you don’t know me very well and I’ll make sure I change that. Besides, I like kids.”

  She simply stares at me and I swear her face pales a little. I smile to set her at ease.

  “I knew the second I saw you again that I wanted you. And it’s not just a quick romp between the sheets I want with you. Though make no mistake I’m all for that – but I also want more.”

  “You want more,” she repeats.

  “I asked you if you ever thought about me after rehab,” she nods. “Well it’s because I sure as hell thought about you. And when I saw you again I knew that this time, I’m not letting you simply walk away. You say you have no man, other than your son, and I’m not interested in just a one-night stand or something. And by the way, back then, you were more than that too.”

  “But, we’ve only just seen each other again. You can’t possibly want that. This is too fast. You don’t even know me.”

  “I know plenty about you. I know how soft your skin feels under my hands. I know that watching animals get killed on National Geographic makes you cry and I know you hate horror movies. I know that you like to write in colored ink and you have a small pinky toe that you hate. I know that you had a hard time of it as a teenager, though I don’t know all the details, and it’s left you with some emotional scarring. I know that when we hung out in rehab it was some of the best days of my life even given the circumstances. I know the way you make me feel and I know that I missed you and thought about you afterward and I sure as hell know that you having a child isn’t going to deter me one bit. Why would it?”

  “You remember all of those things?”

  “I remember every minute of every day we spent together. Like I said, it wasn’t just sex for me.”

  “Nor for me,” she practically whispers.

  “I’m sorry I was so stupid and left without getting your number or giving you mine. I tried to when we left if you recall.”

  “Yeah, I remember. Why didn’t you try harder? Not that I made it easy I guess.”

  “Hindsight and all that. Plus, I think I was scared. I had no idea what to expect after I left there. Things were pretty messed up before I went in.”

  “I still think you’re insane. I need to think about this.”

  I smile wolfishly, “They call me ‘Insane’ Zane for a reason, cupcake. Besides, I’m just telling it like it is. I intend to pursue you. So think about it all you want. You can think about it while I take you out.”

  “This is crazy.”

  “Maybe,” I shrug, “I don’t care. I’m not about to let another opportunity pass me by. I’m seeing you again for a reason and if you recall you’re the one that said if we saw each other again it would be fate. So, here we are. At least this time it’s under better circumstances.”

  She looks dazed and I worry I just said too much too fast, but that’s always been how I am. All in. That’s not always been the greatest thing for me in the past, but I’m taking a gamble here that it’s the right thing. The only gambling I’ve done in a long, long time. Five years and some change to be exact.

  “I’m not sure about this,” she shakes her head. But I wait. I mean, she came to the gym today, agreed to get smoothies together, it’s because she’s drawn to me too.

  “I am, so it’s okay. I’ve got no problem working to convince you.”

  She finally smiles, “You’re crazy. This is crazy.”

  “You said that already. How about this, I’ll text you and we can plan another time to meet back at the gym. Sound like a plan?”

  She swallows, “Um, okay. Sure.”

  “Good,” I stand and throw my empty cup away and watch as she does the same. Leading the way outside I walk back with her toward the gym, “Where are you parked?”

  “There,” she points at a small SUV and I walk her over.

  At the door to her vehicle I slide my fingers down her arm again and take her hand. Placing her wrist against my lips I feel her pulse beating there before I place a kiss there and then lean down and place one upon her cheek too. Her breath catches and I have to hide a smile as I pull away.

  “I’ll see you soon,” I tell her and pull the door open for her when she unlocks it.

  “Okay,” she says breathlessly.

  I begin to walk way and then pause for a second and turn back to find her watching me. I grin, “Sutton?”

  “Yeah?”

  “The Notebook.”

  “What?”

  “The movie Levi made me watch. The last time I cried. It was because of The Notebook.”

  I turn and walk away, her surprised laugh following me.

  For the last week all I can think about is the fact I told Zane about Ryan. I can’t believe I told him about Ryan. He even asked his age and didn’t put two and two together. It didn’t even dawn on him. I mean, why would it, we always used condoms, I’m sure he doesn’t even remember the one time we were too worked up to stop and take care of protection. That one time was all it took.

  Placing my head in my hands I ask myself for the hundredth time what I’m doing? Why did I go back to the gym that day? Why did I give him my number? This is going to end in disaster.

  It’s simple – I’m just not being smart here. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last five years it’s that complete blissful happiness isn’t in my future. I think I’ve accepted it in part. Or maybe I just refuse to think about it often. Besides, I am happy in other ways. Like for instance, I love my job. It makes me feel like I’m not only meeting a need within myself by making a difference in the lives of the children I work with, but in some ways it feels like I’m leaving a mark on the world itself. I genuinely love the kids - so much so that I think of them as ‘my kids’ - and helping them realize their own worth and potential has to be a gift I’m not merely giving them, but ultimately giving the world. After all, they are our future.

  My son also makes me happy – happier than I ever thought possible given the darkness that can encompass my heart at times because of the choices I’ve made. Before him, I never gave being a mom a thought. It wasn’t something I ever thought about. But suddenly I found myself pregnant and before long this tiny screaming human burst into the world demanding my love and stealing my heart in an instant. The terrified feelings and uncertainty about being a good mother disappeared the moment I had him. I knew I would love and protect him until the day I died – that I would give him the best of myself. He deserves nothing less.

  While the circumstances I’ve found myself in aren’t what I’d prefer for our life, everything I’ve done since he was born has been with him in mind. I’ll always do whatever I have to in order to keep him safe and away from the dark side of my life.

  Keeping those things hidden from him at his current age is easy, although it’s clear he’s aware of more than I give him credit. As he gets older it’s going to become more and more difficult to hide Nico’s evilness and I dread it because at some point he’s going to want to know why we stay and I have no idea how I’ll explain to him that this is my fault. How do I explain to my child that I’m the one that invited evil into our lives?

  If I’m honest with myself, that’s why I
told Zane about Ryan. I thought it would frighten him off. That it would immediately change the trajectory of his thoughts. I think he would be better off without me. Neither of us needs what his presence in my life could create. Yes, Ryan and I have done fine just the two of us and it will break my heart to be separated from Zane yet again, but protecting both of the males in my life is far more important than my heart.

  When I found out I was pregnant I did attempt to find Zane. Well, sort of. Actually, I could have tried harder. I gave it a halfhearted attempt at looking him up and found nothing listed. I had nothing to go on other than a first name. But I probably could have dug deeper, hired someone to help me, but I was too afraid. It was hell when I found out I was pregnant and Nico knew it couldn’t have been his when he attended an appointment and became aware of how far along I was. I had tried to omit that information initially. Afraid of what Nico would do if Zane showed up demanding to see his son, it was easier to let it go. To let Zane go forever. Even though it was wrong. But, I had told Nico it was over with Zane, that I’d never see him again and didn’t even really know anything about him. Nico thought he was a simple fling I’d hand in anger at him for his part in sending me to rehab. Not wanting to complicate things anymore than they already were I forced thoughts of Zane aside and told myself it was the best thing for both of us. After things with Nico and I imploded, I thought about searching for him again, but Nico’s threats forced me to abandon the notion yet again. I hated myself for taking Zane’s choice away from him and I still do.

  It’s time he’s told. I should have told him as soon as I saw him again or when we were discussing Ryan. Which is why I’ve been avoiding seeing him this week in person.

  I’ve made excuses all week long for why I can’t meet him at the gym, or for smoothies, or dinner, or anything else he’s asked me to do. I’ve told him Ryan was sick and I couldn’t leave him and that work has been really busy. But it isn’t just the topic of Ryan I’m avoiding; it’s my feelings for him.

  Aside from the fact that I don’t deserve to fall for him or to get involved with him before telling him about Ryan, I’m struggling with the fact that my feelings for him were immediate - natural. Almost like no time has passed since the last time I saw him and now. I’m scared of the way I feel and I’m scared to even try to bring him into my life. It’s impossible.

  Even though I haven’t seen Zane in person this week, it hasn’t stopped us from texting and talking on the phone a couple times. He makes me smile constantly and then I feel guilty – like I don’t deserve it or that I shouldn’t allow myself to react. At first I was willing to do anything to see him even for a little bit, but that was before the guilt started weighing heavily on me. I came home the day we grabbed smoothies and looked at Ryan and even though my son looks so much like me -he’s practically my mini- after being around Zane just a short time I can pick up on little things that are just like his dad. Looks he gives me, gestures he makes. No one would notice but me, they’re so subtle, but they’re there.

  Zane has been talking to me about all kinds of things in our texts. He asks me questions about myself constantly – everything from my favorite actor, movie, song, singer, my religious and political views and even which side of the bed I sleep on. It’s been nice – having someone interested in getting to know me better. Someone wants to know me for me, not for what I could potentially do for him.

  A little part of me started to doubt that - to wonder if Zane really did have an ulterior motive. Something he’s going to drop on me when I least expect it. Something I’m blind to because I’m so caught up in how he makes me feel instead of noticing what’s right in front of my face. For the life of me I can’t determine what it would be. Then I wondered if I was purposefully trying to sabotage this because I know part of me believes I don’t deserve happiness. Not only that I don’t deserve it but that reaching it isn’t possible.

  But there’s nothing - nothing but raw attraction between the two of us and a desire to explore its potential. Thinking anything more than that is nothing but the insecurities Nico instilled into me by trying to manipulate my mind. Refusing to give them purchase in my life and heart, I push those insecurities aside and try to dive into things with Zane. I want to explore where this leads and enjoy the ride for however long it lasts.

  Which brings me to another thought. There’s no way this can last long. Forget about Zane finding out about Ryan and dumping me, if that didn’t happen by some miracle, it wouldn’t matter because Nico would lose his mind if he found out I was dating anyone. It’s almost laughable. How would I even go about it? It’s not like Zane can pick me up or drop me off here. Not like he can stay the night or take me out. Nico comes over any time he likes. I wouldn’t put him past following me or having one of his goons follow me. There’s just no way this can happen. I’ve typed out texts to Zane multiple times telling him that I’m not interested. I made up a million excuses that would be believable but I couldn’t bring myself to send them.

  Now, sitting here with a glass of wine in one hand and my phone in the other, after having put Ryan to bed, all I can think about is my initial thought that set off all the others. I need to tell Zane about Ryan. I have to. Right now. I can’t keep avoiding this.

  Taking several deep breaths I fear I’m going to hyperventilate and lose my nerve. Then, with a deep breath, I press the button and lift the phone to my ear, tears already forming in my eyes while I listen to the phone ring internally hoping he doesn’t answer.

  He answers on the third ring,

  “Sutton? Hi, cupcake. This is a surprise.”

  I almost laugh at the insane thought of hanging up the phone. Pretending I never dialed him and he never answered. “Zane, hi,” I say breathlessly.

  “I was going to try to call you again in a bit. I tried to reach you earlier.”

  “Yes, I saw that. Sorry I missed your call. Was everything okay?”

  “Yes, fine. I enjoy texting with you of course but I uh-” he hesitates for a second and then chuckles, “I wanted to hear your voice.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh,” he chuckles. “When can I see you?”

  “That’s actually why I’m calling you.”

  “You going to ask me out on a date, cupcake? Here’s a spoiler, I’m going to say yes.” He sounds so sexy over the phone, so happy and carefree. I feel like I’m about to ruin all of that and I hate myself for it. It’s how I know I don’t deserve him.

  “Zane, there’s something I need to tell you.”

  “Okay, sounds serious.”

  “It is.”

  “Alright, I’m listening.”

  “I-” I pause and take a deep breath. I feel like I’m going to throw up. “God, sorry, this is hard. And honestly I should be doing this in person.”

  “It’s okay, take your time,” he says. He sounds concerned now. I take a deep breath and decide the best thing to do is just blurt it out. Blurt it out then hold my breath and wait for his reaction. Wait for his interest in me to turn into fiery hate.

  “After rehab-”

  I’m shocked into silence when my front door swings open and Nico stands there. I watch his eyes roam the room until they find and settle on me. His eyes are hard, there’s a frown on his face and fear races through my body in a sick wave making me feel nauseous.

  He turns and closes the door.

  “Sutton?” Zane asks.

  “I’m sorry. I have to call you back.”

  Without waiting for his reply I hang up the phone and stand.

  “What are you doing here?”“Is that any way to greet the man that helps support you? Helps you take care of the kid, put this roof over your head and provides your child care?”

  “You don’t do all of that anymore and you know it. I make my own money.”

  “Yes, but not nearly enough to give yourself this lifestyle. You couldn’t even afford this place.”

  “You are the one that won’t let me leave. You’ve threatened me – tol
d me I had to stay here. Look, I’d get a new place and pack and leave tomorrow..”

  “Who were you talking to on the phone?”His abrupt change in conversation takes me off guard.

  “W-what?”

  “That’s how you want to play this?”

  “Play this? What do you mean?”

  “I asked who you were talking to on the phone?”

  “No one.”

  “No one? Are you sure about that?”

  “A- a – friend.”

  He smiles but it lacks humor, “Give me your phone.”

  “What? No.” I hold it behind my back like a child hiding a cookie he stole from the cookie jar.

  “Give. Me. Your. Phone.”

  “I’m not giving you my phone, Nico.”

  He walks toward me slowly and it takes every ounce of control I have not to flinch at his approach. He holds out his hand and I ignore it shaking my head.

  “Tell you what, if you answer this question correctly, you don’t have to hand me your phone.”

  I say nothing knowing no matter what happens here I’m going to be the loser in this conversation.

  “Were you speaking to a man by the name of Zane Moreno?”

  I freeze. He knows exactly who Zane is to me – that he’s Ryan’s father, but that was so long ago I don’t know how he remembers his name. My mind flashes back to a week ago when I was at the gym with Zane and we went for smoothies. Nico was never there. I never saw one of his men or felt like anyone was following us.

  “Z-Zane?”

  It was the wrong thing to say.

  Like an attacking snake, his hand seizes hold of my arm and yanks it from behind my back. His hand is so tight it’s painful.

  “You’re hurting me.”

  “Give me the fucking phone.”

  I clearly have a death wish because I don’t release my grip.

  His hand moves to mine and he pulls and yanks on my fingers and hand so hard I’m surprised they don’t break. He takes the phone from my hand, and holds it in front of my face. “Put your password into the goddamn phone now.”