Fiends and Familiars

by Dunbar, Debra

  “I’ve got more in the truck,” I told the dog-thing. “And I know you’ll like the rib bones as well. Why don’t you let me get you some water and more to eat?”

  I tossed the rest of the liver treats into the grass next to the porch, and while the creature ate them, I casually walked up the steps to my door as if this was absolutely an ordinary occurrence to find a strange dog beast on my porch.

  The noises the thing was making as it ate the liver treats were setting the hairs at the nape of my neck on end, but I kept my breathing steady and unlocked my door. As soon as I pushed it open, I felt the creature’s attention snap to me once more.

  There. I sense it. Master was right.

  I stood in the open doorway and faced the creature, not sure if I should slam the door shut and bolt it or not. It curled its lips back again, and I swear its teeth grew longer. The thing hunched down as if it were about to spring and I sucked in a breath, my hand gripping the door.

  A hissing noise and the flapping of giant wings rent the silence. Drake descended from the sky, landing on the porch between me and the dog-thing. I froze, unable to retreat inside and leave my vulture friend to fight this thing himself.

  I shouldn’t have worried. Drake extended his wings outward, opened his beak, and hissed. I don’t know if it was the sight of the huge bird, the threat of the knife-sharp beak, or the stench of long dead weasel on his breath, but something made the dog-thing take a step backward. He snarled at Drake, then snarled at me.

  “Get back,” I told Drake as I prepared to do something I hated—something I’d sworn I’d never do.

  Drake hopped aside, and I locked eyes with the dog-thing, but before I could unleash my spell, he vanished.

  “Stupid preternatural dog-thing,” I muttered as I scanned my yard to see if he’d just teleported across the street or something. Thankfully none of my neighbors seemed to have been disturbed by my standoff, because out here in the world away from Accident, supernatural beings and magic were supposed to be the stuff of fantasy. Not that I hadn’t been able to explain away all sorts of odd things in the month since I’d bought this house. It was amazing what people believed when the alternative was even more unbelievable.

  Deciding that I’d rather relax and eat ribs than go searching for the dog-thing, I went inside. My house wasn’t particularly big. In fact, it was fairly indistinguishable from the other cookie-cutter one-story homes in this neighborhood, but I liked it. It had been a difficult decision to move out of Accident, where my kind of weird was less weird, to out here in the “real” world, where I couldn’t hang with shifters, fae, vampires, and goblins at the local bars. Practicality won out, though. The majority of my clients were outside of Accident and it was a much shorter commute if I lived here.

  The real bummer of living here was how isolating the last month had felt. I hadn’t any friends outside of Accident, so I’d thrown myself into my work and was beginning to feel a bit depressed at my lack of a social life. I should go over to the bar where my youngest sister worked and maybe meet some people, but those darned squirrels had worn me out. Ribs, pajamas, and Ladyhawke it was. Tomorrow was Sunday and family dinner night. That would give me some much-needed interaction with non-feathered, two-legged beings.

  True to my word, I threw the rib bones out into the yard in case the dog-thing came back and set a bowl of clean water out for him. The whole time I was eating I kept hearing a scurrying noise in the attic. By the time I started streaming the movie, the scurrying noise was in my kitchen.

  Well, I had been complaining about how lonely I was. I didn’t expect the universe to send me four squirrels, though. I looked over at Drake and he shrugged. That’s when a furry little head peeked around the corner of my sofa at me.

  They were pretty darned cute, even if they refused to listen to me and had taken up residence in my house without even saying please. Three other heads looked around the sofa and I stared back at them. I had a choice—I could spend the evening chasing these guys down, putting them in a cage and shoving them into the garage, or I could give up and resign myself to the fact that I might have some roommates throughout the winter—in addition to Drake, that is. Just as I’d been too tired to go hunt down the dog-thing, I was too tired to repeat my earlier Keystone Cops performance of running around after squirrels, so I popped an extra bag of popcorn, set a few bowls on the floor, then grabbed the larger bowl for Drake and myself on the couch. It didn’t take my new roommates long to come out of hiding and dig into the popcorn. Once they realized I wasn’t going to snatch them up and stick them in a crate, they relaxed and actually sat down to watch the movie with us.

  They were all four gray squirrels, but it was clear that the larger one was the leader of the bunch. The others looked to him frequently, following his lead. He was a little over twenty inches long and looked to be close to two pounds in weight. His bushy tail held more white than the others, and his ears had little black tufts of fur on them. Every now and then he shot me a wary glance, but I didn’t blame him given that we’d all gotten off to a rocky start.

  Once the movie was over, I hit pause and addressed my new roommates. “Okay guys, here’s the deal. You can stay and I’ll provide an assortment of nuts and other food for you, but you can’t go trashing my house or getting into the garbage.”

  They all chattered in excitement, once again looking toward the big guy for guidance. He turned to me and asked where they were to sleep.

  Heck if I knew. There was a spare bedroom, but I liked to keep that available in case one of my friends or family from Accident came to visit and decided to stay the night.

  “How about the attic?” I asked, knowing that’s where squirrels tended to make their home. “I can put some old towels up there for you all to nest in.”

  The others seemed on board with that, but Big Guy shook his head. It seemed the idea of sleeping in the attic made him nervous. He wanted to sleep in my bedroom.

  Great. Drake had already claimed the footboard of my bed as his. I’d tried to kick him out but gave up when I awoke every morning to see the giant vulture perched there. But four squirrels and a vulture?

  What the heck. It’s not like I had a sex life to speak of. “Okay, but no running around in the middle of the night. I need to get my sleep, and if you all wake me up, you’re out of the bedroom. Got it?”

  Big Guy nodded.

  “So…what do I call you?”

  The other three squirrels tilted their heads. I wasn’t surprised. Animals often didn’t understand our need to give them names. They seemed to communicate just fine without them, and in all honesty I could speak to them so they knew which one I was talking to. But I liked names. It showed that I respected these animals. And they were my roommates, after all.

  “Oak, Maple, and Pine.” I pointed to each of the squirrels in turn.

  Big Guy held up his little paws and chattered, saying he already had a name but that it could not be spoken.

  Huh. Poor guy to be saddled with some unpronounceable name. “So what should I call you? Sequoia?” He was the biggest, after all.

  He flicked his tail and squeaked indignantly, but didn’t offer up any further suggestions. Drake hissed that I should call him Pain-In-The-Ass. That seemed a bit long, so instead I decided to call him Hemorrhoid—Rhoid for short.

  The squirrel seemed pretty pissed off about that, but too bad. If he wasn’t going to offer up an alternative and didn’t like Sequoia, then Rhoid it was. It did seem to fit him. And if he’d spent his whole life with an unpronounceable name, then this couldn’t be much worse.

  Per Drake’s request we followed up Ladyhawke by watching The Birds—not exactly the best choice right before bedtime, but I hated to disappoint the vulture. The squirrels were quite alarmed by the plot and twenty minutes in, Oak, Maple, and Pine were all hidden behind me on the couch. Every time the birds would attack, the three made loud kuk-kuk noises as they would to warn each other of predators in the wild. Rhoid proved to be more stoic
, sitting by the empty popcorn bowls while the movie played—although at one point he did edge a little closer to me.

  When the credits had finished rolling, I turned off the TV and went around the house doing my usual check. Stove was off. Doors were locked. Wards were in place. I glanced outside and saw that the rib bones were gone. Either the dog-thing had come back to get them or some other neighborhood canine had discovered the treat. I didn’t sense anything particularly odd, so I finished my nighttime routine and went to bed.

  A huge monster came to me in the night, chasing me through the woods. He had long white fangs, glowing red eyes, and horns, and I could not persuade him to stop. Suddenly I was at my truck, and trying to trap the monster in a cage, but each time I thought I had him, he’d break free. I tried to get in the truck to drive away, but the doors were all locked, so I ran.

  My legs moved like they were stuck in molasses. He was closing in on me, his breath hot against the back of my legs. When he tackled me I braced, expecting my body to hit hard against the ground. Instead I bounced on something soft and cool, and opened my eyes to see that I was on a bed.

  The monster rolled me over, pinning me on the mattress with his body. I should have been terrified, but I wasn’t. Heat shot through me and I arched against him, wanting this creature like I’d never wanted anyone before in my life. His red eyes raked down my naked body and I writhed, breathless and desperate to feel him inside me. He rocked his hips and I gasped as he slid across my wet folds. Now. Oh now. Why was he waiting? Why were those damned squirrels making so much noise?

  Squirrels. My eyes flew open and I scrambled to get out of bed. The sheet tangled around my legs and down I went onto the floor. Rhoid’s dark eyes stared at me from under the bed, his little paws clasped tightly together. Oak, Maple, and Pine were sounding their alarm, and Drake was joining in with a series of hisses and beak-clacking. I managed to get myself untangled from my bedsheet and ran to the window, calling my magic to me. I was very limited in what I could do, but an intruder would definitely be deterred by ants swarming all over him, or owls dive bombing him.

  There on the front lawn was the dog-thing. He was sniffing around the lawn, but as I looked at him, his head swiveled and his eyes met mine.

  They glowed an orange-red. But unlike the monster in my dream, I didn’t feel either scared or turned on. No, I felt annoyed. This guy had interrupted a really good dream—a dream in which I was about to get laid, a dream in which I’d been about to have some mind-blowing, epic sex. I hadn’t had the real thing in quite a while, and a dream like that was as good as it was going to get, even if I had been about to have sex with some horned, fanged monster.

  I yanked open the window and leaned out, not caring if I woke the neighbors or not.

  “Hey! Yeah, you. Asshole. I fed you liver treats. I fed you rib bones. Now get lost. Go on.”

  The dog-thing stared at me in amazement. I felt his confusion, felt him wishing there were more rib bones on the lawn. Then he vanished just as he’d done before.

  I slammed the window back down, still pissed off that my dream had been interrupted. Would it continue if I went back to sleep? Probably not. With my luck I’d have a dream about rolling in sticker bushes, or finding one of Drake’s roadkill dinners in my fridge. Glancing at the clock I realized it was three in the morning—far too early for me to get up, especially on my day off. Climbing back into bed, I bundled the sheets and blankets up around me. That’s when I realized something.

  I was naked. Why was I naked? I’d been wearing pajamas when I went to bed.

  Sitting up, I flicked on the light. My pajamas were crumpled and across the room on the floor. Chuckling, I got up and put them back on.

  “That must have really been an amazing dream if I stripped down while asleep,” I said to myself.

  Getting back into bed and turning off the light, I lay there for a while, trying to go to sleep. I’d been kind of nasty to that dog-thing. True, he’d woken me out of a really good dream, but it’s not like he’d known that. It hadn’t been his fault. And I had kind of encouraged him to come back by feeding him and putting the bones out for him. Sighing, I rolled over and resolved to be nice to the dog-thing if he returned. If he was here in the morning, I’d give him breakfast. Maybe I’d even invite him to stay. Might as well. I had a vulture and four squirrels in my house. One big dog-thing wouldn’t make much of a difference.

  Chapter 3

  Typhon

  Yeth stood before me on his rear legs, a long line of drool hanging from his jowls.

  “Master, I went to the address you gave me and picked up the scent. He was there. He definitely was there.”

  “Was?” Had I lost him again after searching for so long?

  “I searched the area and found nothing but a human woman. I traced his scent and discovered that he’d left in a conveyance, so I began to search the city, using the distinctive odor of the conveyance. It smelled of dead things, of creatures, of human and greasy take-out food.”

  I nodded, waiting for Yeth to continue. That bastard Faust wouldn’t escape me this time.

  “There was a dwelling…it smelled strongly of the conveyance, but not of the soul you seek, but as I was checking the house, the conveyance arrived—and I smelled him. I sensed him. He’s there. He’s hiding, but I felt the brush of his essence. He’s there.”

  “Is this my torture?” The soul next to me moaned. “To stand here while you both yammer on about vehicles smelling of greasy take-out food?”

  The damned, they were so impatient. Turning away from Yeth, I unscrewed the cap from a bottle of milk and sniffed it. Ugh. It was so horribly spoiled that there were chunks floating in it. Perfect.

  “Well, why is my lost soul not here?” I asked Yeth. “You sensed him. Why did you not bring him to me?”

  Yeth eyed the milk, sniffed it, then made a gagging noise. “I…I wasn’t able to retrieve him, Master. He is there, though. I am positive he is there.”

  I handed the milk jug to the human soul I was torturing. “Drink this, then get on the treadmill.” He knew better than to argue. The soul chugged down the chunky milk as quickly as he could then shuddered. “Hurry it up. No dawdling. Get on that treadmill.” The soul groaned, but did as I said. I turned the machine on, then cranked it up all the way. Once the soul started retching as he ran, I turned back to Yeth.

  “Then go back and get him. What’s the delay? I’ve waited for centuries. I don’t want to wait any longer.”

  “Ummm.” Yeth dropped down onto four legs. “There was a woman.”

  I frowned. “So? Remain invisible to the human eye, and go bring me my lost soul.”

  Yeth stared at the ground. “That woman…I don’t think she’s a regular human.”

  The soul on the treadmill made a heaving noise. “Don’t you puke. You puke and it’s another quart of spoiled milk.” I pointed a finger at Yeth. “What in the third circle are you talking about? What woman? And what do you mean she’s not a regular human?”

  “The one who owns the house where he is. I don’t think she’s totally human. And she’s got a really big pet bird. I mean seriously big. It’s got a sharp beak and it hissed at me.”

  I rolled my eyes. Yeth was terrified of birds. This pet was probably a parakeet and he’d peed himself at the first chirp. “Do I need to send in another hellhound?”

  Yeth stood up on his hind legs, holding his front paws up in front of him. “No! No, Master. I can…I can face down the bird. I’ll go back.”

  I had my doubts about Yeth, but I was a fair demon and I believed in second chances. Sometimes.

  The hellhound left and I turned my attention back to the politician on the treadmill. He was a writhing puking mess on the ground and I’d moved on to torturing one of those guys who ran the Nigerian prince scams when Yeth returned.

  “He’s definitely in the house, Master,” the hellhound announced.

  I spread my hands wide. “Did you not hear me before? Bring him to me.”r />
  Yeth squirmed. “The human woman has something around her house that prevents me from entering. Although she was kind enough to throw me some very tasty rib bones. They weren’t as good as the liver treats she gave me earlier, but I quite enjoyed them.”

  I couldn’t believe this. Yeth used to be a decent hellhound, fear of birds aside. What had happened to him? Why was he suddenly turning into a lap dog over liver treats and rib bones?

  “Go back and bring him to me. I don’t care if she gives you a T-bone steak, get in that house and bring him back. Understand?”

  “But Master, there is something around the house that—”

  I waved my hand, inadvertently smacking the scammer in the head with the whip I’d been holding. Oh well. He deserved it.

  “I. Don’t. Care. Go. And don’t come back without him.”

  Yeth took off with his tail between his legs, and I renewed my efforts to punish the scammer.

  “It’s impossible to get good help,” I complained to the man. “Maybe I should send Barghest instead. Or Cerberus.”

  The man moaned.

  “I know, I know. Still, I shouldn’t have to go myself to do such a thing.”

  I really shouldn’t, but perhaps I was trusting Yeth a bit more than I should. With his fear of birds and his apparent weakness of being bribed by meat products, I worried he might fail once more.

  “Here.” I handed the whip to the scammer. “Keep hitting yourself with this. I’ve got something I need to do.”

  Heading out into the mists, I made my way past the torture rings and into the residential areas of hell. I didn’t often use my home because work was so incredibly enjoyable. Why would I want to do something such as sleep or socialize when I lived for my job? There was no need for hobbies when my nine-to-five was my hobby. When you love what you do, then it’s not really work, is it?