Shut Out

by Kody Keplinger

  Mary opened her mouth, paused, then closed it again. Slowly, she nodded and turned away, her shoulders slumped as she moved toward Ellen’s bed.

  Both Kelsey and Chloe were giving me the evil eye.

  “What?” I asked. “I’m right. This is just a trick. Another one of their games. The same thing happened in Lysistrata.”

  “In… what?” Kelsey asked.

  “It’s this Greek play about a group of women who decide to end the war by going on a sex strike,” I explained to the puzzled-looking group. “I’d never read it but, um, someone recommended it to me after the strike started. Anyway, the women take over the Acropolis and the men show up and try to lure them out. Just like this.”

  “And what happens?” Susan asked.

  “They stay strong,” I told her. “Their leader, Lysistrata, makes them stay inside—just like I’m doing. And they win. We have to win. That’s the point.”

  “I thought the point was ending the rivalry,” Kelsey said.

  “It was—I mean, it is. It still is. And we will. I was wrong before, when I said we should tease them. We’ll have to stop that, but if we just stay strong, keeping to the oath, they’ll give up.”

  I could feel the unsatisfied murmur that rippled around the room, but no one argued with me. Instead, they all just exchanged glances before going back to what they’d been doing before the boys had shown up.

  Chloe gave me one last glance—one full of recognizable frustration—before walking across the room and sitting next to Kelsey.

  Kelsey? Of all people?

  They began to talk in low voices. Like they were friends. Like it was normal for them to speak without screaming at each other. And I knew they were talking about me. It felt like a slap in the face.

  But I kept my mouth shut and turned back to the window. I could just make out the boys’ retreating backs as they skirted across Ellen’s backyard and out toward the gravel back roads of Hamilton. The moonlight framed their silhouettes, and for a moment, one paused. I could see him turning his head back, but he was too far off for me to recognize his face as he looked at the house. At the window. At me.

  Somehow, I knew it was Cash.

  chapter twenty-­nine

  The next morning, Ellen volunteered to drive me home. Logan had texted and asked me to be back by noon because he had something to tell Dad and me over lunch, so I accepted Ellen’s offer because, while Chloe would usually give me the lift, I got the vibe that she was still upset with me about last night. Though I wasn’t sure what I’d done to upset her so much.

  “So,” Ellen said slowly as we drove away from her house. The other girls had left only a few minutes before us, sneaking out as quietly as possible so as not to wake up Ellen’s mom, who really liked to sleep in on the weekends. “We need to talk about this whole strike thing.”

  “What about it?” I asked.

  “Lissa, I—Look, it was a good idea. Really, I’m glad we did it because… Well, honestly, I’ve learned a lot. About what people expect of me and what I expect from myself. And because it brought us back together.” She gave me a quick smile before focusing her attention on the road again. “But… I think it’s time to end it.”

  “What? Why? We haven’t won yet.”

  Ellen sighed and switched on the turn signal. “What are we winning, exactly?” she asked.

  “We… The rivalry has to end. That’s the point.”

  “Is it?” she asked, her voice very serious but not accusatory. “Think about this, Lissa. Is the rivalry really what the strike is about? Because I don’t know if you noticed, but the boys aren’t fighting anymore. The group at my house last night was made up of football and soccer players. They were working together.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  Didn’t know what to say.

  But I did know what Ellen was thinking. And then she confirmed my suspicions.

  “I think this is about Cash,” she said. “I think… Okay, don’t get mad at me for saying this, but I think you’re using this to get back at him for how he hurt you. It didn’t start that way, obviously, but now… Lissa, we all see the way you look at him. All of us. Even Kelsey mentioned it to Chloe and me.”

  “Wait, you guys talked about me? Behind my back?”

  “Not in a bad way,” Ellen said quickly. “But we’re worried. This strike was a great idea, but it’s going too far. They asked me to talk to you about it. They thought you’d listen to me.”

  I stared out the window, refusing to look at Ellen. I was more than pissed. I was hurt. Angry. Betrayed. I thought these girls were on my side. They’d been on my side from the start and now, suddenly, they were against me. Talking about me when I wasn’t around. Trying to think of ways to overthrow me.

  Ellen must have guessed what I was thinking because she quickly added, “We love you, Lissa. It’s not like we’re mad. But think about this, okay? The strike is tearing apart the guys and the girls. It’s becoming its own rivalry. Even you talk about ‘winning’ like it’s just a game to you. But didn’t you start this to end a rivalry? To make peace?”

  Yes, I thought, but I didn’t respond. I was pushing down all the hurt and anger, falling back into my safe place, the one where I was Little Miss Ice Queen.

  “If we let this keep going, it’ll turn into another long-lasting rivalry, and no one will know where or why it started,” Ellen continued. “I know you don’t want that. I know because I know you.” She took a breath and let it out slowly. “The end of Lysistrata?”

  “What?” I asked coldly. “What about it?”

  “The end. The women won, but how? Do you remember?”

  “Lysistrata talked to the guy representing the men,” I said. “He agreed on their behalf to end the war. You’ve read it?”

  Ellen shrugged. “My mom teaches Greek studies at the community college in Oak Hill. I’ve learned a lot.” She turned onto my street and continued talking. “But think about what you just said. She talked to the leader of the guy’s side. Have you thought… Have you tried seriously talking to Cash?”

  “Yes—No…. It’s complicated, okay?”

  “I know.” She sighed. “And I’m sorry. I’m sorry things are weird between you two, but you can’t let your relationship with Cash run this strike. You need to talk to him so that this can end. So that we can all move on.”

  I didn’t reply. As much as I hated to admit it, I knew she was right.

  Ellen’s car stopped in my driveway, and we sat listening to the engine idle for a moment before either of us broke the silence.

  “Just promise me you’ll think about it,” she said. “Please. Know that I’ll be on your side, no matter what. I’ll stand by your decision, but… but you owe me this.”

  “I know,” I said quietly. “I owe it to all the girls. They’ve stuck by me—all of them—through a lot. Through Randy…” I swallowed hard, unable to keep the emotions back the way I wanted. “I’ll talk to Cash. Not sure what I’ll say, but I’ll talk to him.”

  I wasn’t looking at her, but I felt Ellen’s hand slide over the console and squeeze mine. “Thank you,” she said. “And remember what I said the other day, okay? If he doesn’t see how special you are, he doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “I’m going to get going. I just need to think about all of this. I’ll call you tonight or something, okay?”

  “Okay.” She let go of my hand as I slid out of the car.

  I paused before slamming the car door shut and poked my head inside for a second. “Hey, Ellen?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks… for putting up with me.”

  She beamed at me. “No problem,” she said. “I’m happy to put up with you, even when you’re at your craziest. That won’t change.”

  I didn’t deserve her, I realized as I walked up to the front door and let myself into the house. Honestly, I didn’t deserve anyone. As much as it killed me to admit it, Ellen was right. I’d been using this strike as a way to fight
with Cash. If I hadn’t been so blinded, so obsessed with winning and beating him, I might have noticed the way the rivalry had gone dormant.

  I was trying to figure out what I’d say to Cash when I confronted him—how I’d start, what arguments I’d make, whether I should lie about how I felt—when I walked into the kitchen, where my family sat waiting for me at the table. Waiting so that Logan could give me the news. Waiting with one extra person.

  “Jenna,” I said, not as shocked as I would have liked to be. “What are you doing here?”

  But I could have guessed the answer.

  chapter thirty

  “Lissa,” Dad said, a laugh still on his lips. “Honey, come in and sit down. Logan has something to tell us.”

  I was frozen in the kitchen doorway, the bag I’d packed for the night at Ellen’s hanging loosely from my fingertips. I didn’t want Jenna in my house, in my kitchen, in my space. I didn’t want to see the way she smiled, like this was the happiest moment of her life. It wasn’t the happiest moment of mine.

  “So,” I said slowly. “You’re… You’ve been dating Jenna this whole time, right?”

  They exchanged a look before my brother focused his attention squarely on me. “Yes,” he said. “I have. I didn’t want to tell you because—Well, if things didn’t work out, I didn’t want it to be awkward for you at work.”

  “I actually asked him to keep it a secret,” Jenna interjected. “I mean, you’re distracted at work enough as it is. The library couldn’t afford having you lose focus because of another personal issue.”

  “I figured it out a while ago,” I said. “I just hoped you’d break up soon.”

  “Lissa,” Dad scolded. “Stop that.”

  “Sit down,” Logan said, his voice losing its cheery edge.

  I didn’t move, just looked back and forth between them for a minute. I had a sinking suspicion that dating wasn’t the reason for this family meeting. Jenna was here, in my kitchen, no longer keeping it secret—no longer letting me live in the land of sweet denial. That meant something must have changed.

  “Oh my God,” I gasped. “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”

  “What?” Logan asked, his eyebrows shooting up into his hairline.

  “No!” Jenna cried. I saw a hand fly to her stomach. “Why, do I look…?”

  Logan shook his head and squeezed her hand on top of the table.

  I thought I’d be sick.

  “Then why are you telling us this now?” I asked. “If you aren’t pregnant, why not continue to keep the whole dating thing a secret?”

  “Lissa, honey,” Dad said. “Logan has some news for us. Go ahead, Logan.”

  Logan glanced at Jenna again, and she gave him one forceful nod before he said, “I’m moving out.”

  I felt a rubber band begin to contract around my lungs. “What?”

  Jenna said, “He’s moving—”

  “I heard him!” I snapped at her, unable to keep my cool. “I… What? Where? When?”

  “At the beginning of next month,” Logan said. “Jenna and I are moving to an apartment in one of the suburbs outside of Chicago.”

  “I’m going to Northwestern,” Jenna explained, looking at my father, not me. “I’m going to finish my degree there, starting in January.”

  “What about the classes you’re taking right now at the community college?” Dad asked.

  “My professors are letting me finish online,” she said. “I want us to have time to settle in and learn the area before I jump right into school.”

  “And I’m going to apply for grad school,” Logan said. “Like I planned.”

  “You can’t leave,” I said, my voice coming out cracked and pathetic. I shook my head and tried again. “You can’t leave, Logan. You can’t… you can’t go that far away. And you two barely know each other! You’ve been dating, like… like, a month. That’s not enough time to move in together.”

  “I know,” Logan said. He smiled at Jenna, and the sparkle in his eyes—that cliché glimmer you read about in romance novels—I saw it. “We know it’s soon, but this just feels right.”

  And I could tell.

  I didn’t want to, but I could tell.

  Logan was in love with her.

  I felt a sense of panic boiling in my chest. I felt my lungs contracting with fear, frustration, and worry. More than ever, I truly hated Jenna. Before, she’d just annoyed me, angered me, made me insane. But now? Now I hated her. Because of her, my family was being broken, again. And she was taking Logan away. I’d worked so hard to keep my family close, to keep them safe, and she was going to destroy that.

  “Excuse me,” I said, turning away and running upstairs. I couldn’t be in the room with her anymore. Couldn’t look at her or at Logan. Couldn’t watch this happen.

  Couldn’t watch my family break apart again.

  An hour later, I heard Dad calling me from downstairs. I thought about ignoring him, knowing what he wanted to say to me—that it would be all right, that this was bound to happen, things I didn’t want to hear. I thought about putting the pillow over my head and pretending his voice hadn’t carried up the stairs.

  But I decided to be at least somewhat mature about this. I sighed and climbed off my bed, running my fingers through my hair before heading downstairs.

  Logan and Jenna were gone already, but Dad was waiting for me by the bottom step, his hand resting on the banister. “We should talk about this,” he said. “Come on. I’ll make you a sandwich.”

  I followed him into the kitchen and sat down at the table while he rolled around the room, getting what he needed to make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, like he used to when I was little and upset.

  “He can’t do this,” I blurted out, knowing Dad was waiting for me to speak first. “He can’t leave us.”

  Dad didn’t respond. He pulled a knife from the silverware drawer and began spreading jelly across a piece of bread.

  “And not with her,” I continued. “She’s… she’s awful. So bossy and demanding and obnoxious.”

  “I found her charming,” Dad said. “Very smart, in control. A little obsessed with order, but that’s the kind of girl Logan needs in his life. She reminds me of you and your mother, actually.”

  “No,” I muttered, but I remembered Cash saying once that Jenna reminded him of me. As much as that made my stomach churn, I couldn’t argue with the majority. Not successfully, at least. “Besides,” I continued, picking up a napkin that had been left on the table and folding it into small, even sections. Fourths, eighths, sixteenths. “He’s so much older. It’s creepy. She’s, like, seven years younger than him. Can’t he date someone his own age?”

  Dad sighed and moved his chair back to the kitchen table, sliding the sandwich he’d just made across to me. “Honey, I know this is hard on you,” he said. “I know you’ve spent the last five years taking care of us—of Logan and me. But sweetheart, Logan is an adult now. He has to take care of himself eventually.”

  “I’m scared that if he gets too far away, we’ll lose him,” I whispered. “I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

  “Don’t look at it as losing him,” Dad said. “Look at it as adding to the family. We have Jenna now, too. Someone to help you keep him safe—because you know she’ll boss him around just as much as you do.”

  He was trying to make me laugh, but it didn’t work.

  I put down the napkin, now folded into a compact little cube, and picked up my sandwich. “Why her?” I asked. “Of all people, why her?”

  He shrugged. “Sometimes it’s hard to predict who will make a person happy. But in the end, that’s what matters. Remember what I told you when you and Randy broke up? I told you that I’d accept any boy you brought home, no matter who he was, as long as he made you happy. Honey, we owe Logan the same.”

  “I know.”

  “You can’t control everything,” Dad said. “Sometimes you just need to relax and have faith that things will work out. Let go a little and le
t life happen. You don’t want to miss out on the best parts of life just because you were afraid of getting hurt. Or, in this case, of Logan getting hurt.”

  But it wasn’t just about Logan.

  Dad didn’t know it, obviously, but he was also talking about Cash.

  I’d been pushing him away, keeping him at a distance, running every time he got too close, because I was afraid of getting hurt. Afraid of how I felt about him. But in reality, I should have just talked to him. Like Ellen now wanted me to do. I could have solved all of this if I’d just asked him why. But instead, I tried to control everything about our relationship, tried to keep myself safe. And that hadn’t worked at all.

  But it wasn’t too late.

  “I have to go,” I said, standing up, my sandwich only half-eaten.

  Dad looked startled. “Are you okay?” he asked. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, honey. I just—”

  “You didn’t,” I told him. “You’re right. I can’t control everything. Sometimes I need to let go and… not be afraid.” I took a breath. “I’ll work on it.”

  Dad nodded. “Okay. Good. I know it won’t be easy for you, but I think you’ll be happier in the long run.”

  “Maybe,” I said. “Now, um… Can I use the car? There’s someone I need to go see.”

  chapter thirty-­one

  There was a soccer game going on down at the high school that afternoon. I showed up just in time to watch the last twenty minutes. The bleachers were pretty empty, probably because so many people had left for their fall break mini-vacations, but there were still several loyal fans sitting around cheering. I could see Ellen on the second bleacher, cheering for Adam with all her heart.

  The way I used to cheer for Randy.

  I sat down in an empty row, pulling my feet up onto the narrow bench and resting my chin on my knees while I watched. It was the first time I’d ever really watched a soccer game. Usually, I’d just pass the field and catch glimpses of the action during practice or on my way to the football field. Sometimes, due to horrible scheduling, the games would happen at the same time.