becoming.

by Renaada Williams

  significance

  acknowledging

  message to you

  love never lived here

  matter over mind

  everything BLACK

  save yourself

  acknowledging

  you

  were the definition of

  what a man

  father

  and a friend

  should be.

  you

  always making something out of nothing possible

  you taught me to be in tune with my feelings

  but not to be overwhelmed.

  you

  taught me to be selfless

  and to refrain

  from treating people

  the way they treated me.

  you

  made sure my eyes were wide open

  and ensured my heart was always pure.

  There is no amount of thank-yous

  worthy enough

  to explain the honor i feel

  not only to have known you

  but to be a portion of everything you were.

  you

  are the reason i know happiness is not only possible

  but achievable.

  - i dedicate this to you

  Grandfather

  thank you.

  for believing in me.

  ode to the hearts

  in need of healing

  message to you

  dear beautiful soul

  i know this thing called life is really hard

  it’s

  interesting

  to say the least

  I want you to know that

  i believe in you

  i want you to know that

  you are amazing

  i know that you are beautiful

  i know a lot of times

  family

  friends

  and all of the relationships in between

  want you to stay strong

  i want you to know

  that it’s ok if you can’t be

  however

  i pray

  we

  can find a way to

  t o g e t h e r.

  from here on out.

  i knew that i could fly

  well

  at least i thought i could.

  that was until someone from the distance

  yelled for me to get down

  you’ll hurt yourself

  they said but i knew

  if i let go

  i would be alright

  i knew that if

  i took the first step

  i’d be soaring through the sky . . .

  did you hear me? i said get down!

  it’s as if i could feel them coming.

  i knew they were upset

  who was i to tell them to let go?

  be brave

  strong

  and confident

  who was i to tell them to believe?

  after all they’ve been here much longer than i have.

  they’ve experienced things

  that i’m still imagining.

  so i decided maybe they were right

  and got down.

  - dear adolescent

  you are wrong

  believing that you can fly

  is only the beginning.

  love never lived here

  some say

  if it doesn’t hurt

  it can’t be love

  but

  if it does

  you

  shouldn’t want it anyway

  you

  looked like everything

  i ever wanted

  beautiful brown eyes

  nice smile

  body soft

  like sheepskin

  i

  was mistaken

  when nighttime struck

  your eyes lit up under the moon

  and you

  howled through the night

  only then did i realize

  you

  had been pretending

  - wolf in sheep’s clothing

  it’s funny

  how easily the monster in my head

  can cuddle me

  so softly

  while lying in my bed.

  i realized

  i am nothing with you

  even though

  i

  still

  want to stay

  i am

  waiting

  at the end of the promise

  you

  forgot you made.

  do you know what it feels like?

  to constantly get pushed out

  while

  being asked to stay?

  only you

  telling me that i’m beautiful

  as if i’ve never heard it before

  only you

  giving me everything

  i’m looking for

  again.

  - new bae

  being with someone else

  doesn’t always feel like

  a new start.

  i prayed

  you

  would be my one and only

  and you were.

  however

  for her

  you were the same

  - the other woman

  the problem wasn’t

  me belonging to you

  it was that

  you

  never belonged to me.

  i stayed longer

  longer than i should have

  trying to teach you how to love me

  when i

  didn’t even know

  what that meant.

  i cried myself to sleep while

  you

  lay next to me

  unbothered

  unaware

  and

  uninterested.

  i tucked myself in again that night

  and told myself

  i didn’t need a goodnight kiss

  or empty i love yous

  because dreams will be had

  regardless of this nightmare.

  the more i listen to myself

  the closer

  i am

  to the truth.

  trust the voice your gut is pulling from

  - instinct

  you

  are the prettiest bouquet

  of dying flowers

  i

  have ever seen.

  i

  like a fool

  stayed

  waiting for the day

  you

  would do something different

  i

  was exhausted

  slowly beginning to realize

  we couldn’t be

  because

  i couldn’t find the balance

  of loving you

  while holding on

  to me.

  i

  loved myself first

  and even then

  they

  didn’t love me back

  we

  have been back at square one

  at least

  one hundred

  times a
lready.

  - starting over

  don’t stay feeling sorry for me

  i’ve been in so many pieces

  enough times

  to know how to put myself together again.

  - pity

  attempting to make something a whole

  of two halves

  isn’t impossible

  it just isn’t common

  with what we are doing

  - broken hearts

  i tried to forgive the lies you told

  but

  your smile

  makes me remember

  - trust issues

  i expected you to fix me

  failing to realize soon after

  you left

  i

  would still be broken.

  and

  the main reason i left

  was because you

  expected me to stay

  here i am

  loving something so deeply

  and desperately wanting it back

  although

  if i had it

  i wouldn’t have known what to do with it anyway

  you

  missing me more than you have ever loved me.

  - irony

  go ahead

  talk about me in the worst way imaginable.

  just try to forgive yourself

  afterwards.

  i’m sorry

  sounds a lot like

  forgive me

  but

  it’s really meant to mean

  i’ll do it again.

  not only is it harder

  it’s almost

  impossible to forgive someone

  who expects to be forgiven

  again.

  i decided

  i didn’t want to be a pawn anymore

  but

  how else would i win

  if i didn’t sacrifice

  pieces of myself.

  - love in the name of chess

  because what did love feel like

  if it wasn’t abuse anyway

  when you left

  i didn’t cry because i was broken

  i cried

  because i survived

  you

  tried to leave pieces of me

  scattered in places i’d never think to check

  but i

  discovered them anyway

  beneath the tear-stained pillowcases

  we slept on

  the morning mugs

  you often placed your lips on

  in the shower

  as suds replaced your kisses

  and

  in my heart

  where most of them remained

  because scattered or not

  they didn’t belong to you

  and

  they would have found their way back to me

  anyway.

  believe me

  i will go on living

  just as i was

  before we met

  i

  will not allow this

  to make me feel

  as though i

  can’t

  there are

  pieces of me

  living within people who once held my heart

  pieces of me that i never want back

  not because i’d need them

  to feel whole

  but because i gave them away

  so someone else could.

  and when it was over

  i came up gasping for air

  as if i’d forgotten how to breathe

  - the breakup

  love

  changed me

  it made me feel like

  i should be second

  it made me forget

  i had needs

  it made me compromise myself

  and ultimately

  it broke my heart

  you told me to swallow my tongue

  not literally of course

  but you made it impossible

  to speak

  without being interrupted

  without sounding like i was not smart enough

  without ever feeling like

  you

  were listening

  and so

  i ate it.

  you let the perception of love

  abuse you

  after raising

  nurturing

  and most times

  stepping completely outside of your being

  simply handing yourself over

  all because

  you

  believed

  you

  found it

  so busy being

  everything

  to no one

  that mattered enough

  to tell me that

  i am

  everything.

  and just like that

  e v e r y t h i n g

  about you suddenly changed

  the way you looked

  the way you talked

  and even your actions

  because i

  no longer cared.

  me

  attracting people who need me

  but don’t know how to treat me

  simply because

  i

  haven’t stayed consistent

  and faithful

  to myself long enough

  to be found

  by someone who does.

  treating someone the way they treated you

  doesn’t prove how badly you were hurt

  instead, it’ll prove

  how long it takes for you to heal.

  you do not feel this bad on your own.

  learn to hold people accountable

  for how they make you feel.

  matter over mind

  everyone loves to talk about a sad woman

  as if she

  doesn’t have a journey

  a message

  as if she

  isn’t a walking testimony

  as if she

  will never be happy again.

  and

  if your heart says feel everything,

  that’s EXACTLY what you do.

  being broken is a matter of opinion

  you

  attracting people who need you

  but

  don’t know how to treat you

  simply because

  you

  haven’t stayed consistent and faithful

  to yourself

  long enough to be found

  by someone who does.

  i don’t want to remember the pain

  h o w e v e r

  i also can’t seem to forget

  never stop talking about your journey

  there will be people who don’t understand that

  it isn’t about wanting to stay hurt

  it’s always about trying to figure out

  how not to be.

  it was hard

  understanding that eventually

  it would stop

  eventually it wouldn’t be

  so cold

  i knew it would be beautiful

  but somehow it seemed like it would never end.

  - the coldest winter

  i am not allowed

  to call myself different

  when there’s a word

  for what i h
ave.

  - depression

  i kept going

  not because i wanted to

  trust me, all of me wanted to stop.

  i kept going

  because i deserved to know

  what not giving up on myself felt like.

  your love

  cut so deep

  pain sharp

  like a stencil against my body to trace over

  - infliction

  i felt like i died

  at least a million times over

  - modern-day feline

  i do the best i can

  helping everyone i know become better

  while they stick around

  watching me become worse

  it’s rarely a discussion

  we aren’t talking about it as much as we should

  however, when someone who suffers

  within

  mental illness dies

  you show up for their funeral

  and you can’t believe it actually happened

  now they’re floating around

  on the internet

  in pictures

  in videos

  in all of these memories

  . . .

  you care.

  right?

  and

  i’ve convinced myself

  that no one would want to be with

  someone so sad like me anyway

  - idle mind

  don’t try to get into my head